This wild boar was the size of a rhinoceros. His eyes were bloodred and blazed with fire. His steel-thick hide was covered with bristles as rigid as spear shafts, so even if he just brushed up against you he would shred you like brisket. His mouth shot lightning and sour clouds of acid, withering and burning anything in his path, and his massive razor-sharp tusks…well, if you got close enough to see the tusks, you were pretty much already toast.
He was, in short, the Death Pig.
Artemis unleashed him on the fields of Kalydonia, where he uprooted all the orchards, trampled the fields, and killed all the animals, farmers, and any soldiers stupid enough to try fighting him.
At this point, King Oineus was really wishing he’d given Artemis some apples. He turned to his son Meleager and said, “You’re the best hunter in the kingdom, my son! What should we do?”
“Hunt the boar!” said Meleager. “Artemis is the goddess of hunting, right? The only way she’ll forgive us is if we launch the biggest and most dangerous hunt in history. If we bring down the boar with bravery and skill, surely she will forgive us.”
King Oineus frowned. “Or she might get even angrier. Besides, you can’t possibly kill that monster yourself!”
“Not by myself,” Meleager agreed. “I’ll summon all the best hunters in Greece!”
The king spread the word and offered rewards. Pretty soon hunters from all over the world flocked to Kalydon. They put on the First Annual and Hopefully Last Annual Kalydonian Boar Hunt.
Artemis didn’t make it easy on them. One guy named Mopsos, who was the strongest spear-thrower in Greece, launched his spear at the boar with enough force to crack a bronze shield. Artemis caused the point of the spear to fall off in midflight. The spear shaft just bounced harmlessly off the monster.
Another hunter named Ankaios laughed at him. “That’s no way to fight the Death Pig! Watch and learn!” He hefted his double-bladed ax. “I’ll show you how a real man fights! This girlie goddess’s boar is no match for me.”
He charged in, raising his ax above his head, and the boar rammed his tusk straight into Ankaios’s crotch. Ankaios died, and he was remembered forever after as the Crotchless Wonder.
Finally Prince Meleager himself slew the boar with a lot of help from his friends. That was brave and all, but Artemis still wasn’t satisfied. She filled the other hunters with envy. Meleager skinned the boar and hung its hide in the palace as the grand prize of the hunt, but fighting broke out over who really deserved credit for the kill.
The argument turned into a full-scale civil war. Hundreds of people died, all because the king forgot to give Artemis some fruit. Seriously, it’s only twelve gods. Next time make a checklist, Oineus.
So, yeah. If you forgot to make sacrifices, Artemis might kill you. But if you really wanted to guarantee yourself a painful death, invade her personal space.
A hunter named Actaeon made that mistake. The weird thing was, he really respected Artemis. He always made his sacrifices to her on time. He dedicated his best kills to the goddess and tried to be a good hunter. He’d been raised and trained by Chiron himself, the famous centaur who taught all the best Greek heroes. (Cough, me, cough.) Actaeon kept a pack of fifty dogs. When he wasn’t at Chiron’s cave learning hero stuff, Actaeon was out with his dogs, tracking down dangerous creatures and bringing home the wild boar bacon.
One night he was in the mountains, exhausted from a hard day of hunting. He lay down to sleep on a rock overlooking a lake with a waterfall. His dogs curled up in the meadow behind him. He pulled his blanket over his head and went to sleep, only to wake in the morning to the sound of voices.
Actaeon rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He looked down at the lake and thought he was dreaming. A bunch of beautiful ladies were bathing in the waterfall, like, without clothes. The most beautiful one looked exactly like the statues of Artemis that Actaeon had seen in the temples. She was tall with dark hair and brilliant silver eyes. The sight of her bathing made the blood roar in Actaeon’s ears.
Now, if he’d just crept away right then, he might’ve been okay. Artemis didn’t realize he was there. Actaeon could have sneaked off and lived to a ripe old age with his secret and considered himself lucky. I mean…he wasn’t being a stalker yet. He hadn’t intended on spying.
But no. Of course not. Actaeon had to get greedy.
He kept watching. He fell in love with Artemis. He decided he had to marry her.
He knew she was an eternal maiden, sure. But she hadn’t met him yet!
Actaeon respected her. He’d always sacrificed to her. He loved hunting and animals….They had so much in common. Why hadn’t he thought about this before?
He sprang up from his sleeping spot and yelled, “Forgive me, my lady!”
The followers of Artemis screamed and scrambled to the shore to retrieve their clothes and their bows. Artemis narrowed her eyes. She made no attempt to cover herself. She walked toward Actaeon over the top of the water.
“Who are you?” she demanded.
“Actaeon, my lady. I am a great hunter, and I have always worshipped you.”
“Indeed?” Artemis didn’t sound impressed. “Yet you spy on me while I am bathing?”
“That—that was an accident.” Actaeon’s neck started to feel itchy, like it was covered in fleas. He wasn’t feeling so confident now, but it was too late to back out. “Your beauty…it has inspired me to speak. I must have you! Marry me!”
Artemis tilted her head. A silver aura glowed around her entire body.
“You must have me,” she said. “You think I am your prey?”
“N-no, my lady.”
“You think you are the hunter, and I am some prize to bring down with your pack of dogs?”
“Well, no. But—”
“Let me enlighten you, Actaeon,” said the goddess. “I am the hunter. I am always the hunter. You are the prey. No man who has seen me naked may live.”
Actaeon’s body writhed with pain. Just above his eyes, his forehead split open and sprouted two heavy antlers. His fingers fused together into cloven hooves. His back bent and stretched. His legs narrowed. His boots shrank and hardened into hooves.
Actaeon became a deer—a beautiful sixteen-point buck.
Artemis made a high-pitched whistling noise. Actaeon’s pack of fifty dogs stirred from their sleep. They didn’t smell their master anywhere, but wow, that huge deer smelled great! Actaeon tried to command his dogs to stay, but he had no voice. They didn’t recognize him. He bolted, as deer usually do, but the dogs were too fast.
They tore their old master into tiny pieces.
When the dogs were done, they looked around for Actaeon. They couldn’t find him anywhere. They bayed and whined and got very sad, but finally they made their way back home to Chiron’s cave. The centaur saw the pieces of Actaeon’s clothing stuck in their teeth and the blood on their fur, and he figured out what must have happened. He had warned that stupid kid not to mess with Artemis. To make the dogs feel better, he made a fake Actaeon dummy out of the hunter’s old clothes, like a scarecrow, so the dogs would think that their master was still around.
I guess that was nice of Chiron, for the dogs’ sake, but it kind of makes me wonder if he’s got a Percy Jackson scarecrow stuffed in a closet somewhere for emergencies. I’m not sure I want to know.
That wasn’t the only time a guy spotted Artemis bathing. The next time it was a boy named Sipriotes, who was just wandering along and wound up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When he saw the naked goddess, he yelped in surprise; but he was just a kid. He didn’t ask to marry her. He just fell to his knees and begged for mercy.
“Please, lady,” he whimpered. “I didn’t mean it. Don’t turn me into a deer and have me ripped apart by dogs!”
Artemis felt bad. She was the protector of young children, after all.
“Well, Sipriotes,” she said
, “here’s the problem. No male can gaze upon me naked and live.”
“But—but—”
“Since you’re male, I have to kill you. Unless, of course, you weren’t male….”
Sipriotes blinked. “You mean…wait. What?”
“Death or gender change. Your choice.”
It wasn’t much of a choice. Sipriotes didn’t want to die. So Shazam! Artemis turned him into a her, and the girl Sipriotes lived happily ever after with the hunters of Artemis.
Weird enough for you? Oh, it gets weirder!
Another time one of Artemis’s followers, a girl named Kallisto, caught the eye of Zeus. Now, Artemis’s followers were supposed to be off-limits, but this is Zeus we’re talking about. Also, Kallisto was a real knockout.
She was Artemis’s favorite follower at the time. They were so much alike—both swift and strong, totally not interested in guys. They became best friends as soon as Kallisto joined the Hunt. Like all followers of Artemis, Kallisto had sworn to stay a maiden forever, but Zeus had other ideas.
One day he looked down from Olympus and saw Kallisto alone in a clearing, relaxing and enjoying the sunshine.
“This is my chance!” he told himself. “I just have to figure out a way to get close to her so she doesn’t run off. That girl is fast. Hmm…”
Zeus changed form so he looked exactly like Artemis.
I know—a total creep move, right? But like I said, the guy had no shame when it came to catching women. He would even pretend to be his own daughter.
Fake Artemis came sauntering into the clearing. “Hey, Kallisto. Whatcha doing?”
“My lady!” Kallisto leaped to her feet. “I was just resting.”
“Can I join you?” asked Fake Artemis.
Kallisto noticed something strange about the look in the goddess’s eyes, but she said, “Um, sure.”
Fake Artemis came closer. She took Kallisto’s hand. “You’re very beautiful, you know.”
Fake Artemis kissed her, and I’m not talking about a friendly peck on the cheek. Kallisto struggled and tried to pull back, but Zeus held her tight, and he was stronger.
“My lady!” Kallisto shrieked. “What are you doing?”
Zeus changed into his true self, and Kallisto shrieked even louder.
“Now, now,” the sky god said. “Artemis doesn’t need to know, my dear. It’ll be our little secret!”
So Zeus once again proved himself a godly slimeball. Yeah, sure, he might hear me and get mad. It won’t be the first time I’ve taken a chance with Mr. Thunder. But, hey, I call ’em like I see ’em.
If the real Artemis had been within earshot, she would’ve come running to help Kallisto. Unfortunately, Kallisto was all by herself. Zeus got his way.
Afterward, Kallisto was too ashamed to say anything. She was afraid it was somehow her fault. Pro tip: If you’re attacked by a creep, it’s never your fault. Tell somebody.
But Kallisto kept her secret as long as she could. She tried to pretend nothing had happened. Sadly, she was pregnant. She couldn’t hide that forever. A few months later, after a hot day chasing down monsters, Artemis and the gang wanted to go swimming. They all jumped in the lake except Kallisto.
“What’s wrong?” Artemis called. “Come on!”
Kallisto blushed. She put her hand on her belly, which was starting to swell. She didn’t dare take off her clothes, or Artemis would notice.
Artemis sensed the problem anyway. Suddenly she realized why Kallisto had been so distant and sad recently.
The goddess’s heart sank.
“You, Kallisto?” she asked. “Of all my followers, you broke your vow?”
“I—I didn’t mean to!” Kallisto said. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“Who was it?” Artemis demanded. “A handsome warrior? A smooth-talking hero? My brother, Apollo? Oh, no…please tell me it wasn’t him.”
“It—it was you!” Kallisto wailed.
Artemis stared at her. “Run that by me again.”
Kallisto told the story of how Zeus had appeared to her in Artemis’s form.
The goddess burned with rage. She wanted to throttle her father Zeus, but there’s only so much you can do when your dad is the king of the universe. She looked at Kallisto and shook her head in pity.
“You were my favorite,” Artemis said. “If you had come to me immediately, I could have helped you. I would have found you a rich, handsome husband and let you settle into a new life in the city of your choice. I would have allowed you to retire from the Hunt with honor. You could have gone in peace. Zeus’s assault was not your fault.”
Kallisto sobbed. “But I didn’t want to lose you! I wanted to stay!”
Artemis felt like her heart was breaking, but she couldn’t show it. She had rules about her followers. She couldn’t allow those rules to be broken, not even by her best friend. “Kallisto, your crime was keeping the secret from me. You dishonored me, and your sisters of the Hunt, by not being honest. You defiled our company of maidens when you were not a maiden yourself. That I cannot forgive.”
“But…but, Artemis—”
“No more talk!” Artemis pointed at Kallisto, and the young lady began to change. She grew in size. Her limbs became shorter and thicker. Her clothes, which had helped her hide her condition, became a suffocating thick coat of brown fur. Kallisto turned into a brown bear. When she tried to talk, she could only roar.
“Go, now,” Artemis said, trying not to cry. “Your new shape will remind you that you can never be in my sight. If I see you again, I must kill you. LEAVE!”
Kallisto bounded away through the woods. She gave birth to a human son named Arkas, who returned to the world of mortals and eventually became a king. But soon after, poor Kallisto was killed by hunters.
Zeus felt some remorse. He turned Kallisto into a constellation, Ursa Major, or the Big Bear—as if that could make up for ruining her life.
Kind of strange: after the incident with Kallisto, Artemis’s next two best friends were both guys. I’m not sure why. Maybe she figured they couldn’t hurt her any worse than Kallisto had, or if they did, at least she wouldn’t be surprised, since guys were naturally jerks. Or maybe she was trying to prove to herself that she would never go back on her own vow of maidenhood, even with the most interesting guy she could find.
Her first male friend was Orion, who had a shady past. For one thing, he was a giant. But he was short for a giant, maybe seven feet tall, and he looked humanoid enough that he could almost pass for a mortal. For a long time he worked for the king of Chios as the royal hunter. Then Orion got in a little trouble with the king’s daughter. When the king found out, he had Orion blinded with a searing hot iron. Then he kicked him out of the kingdom.
Orion stumbled around Greece until he happened to run into the blacksmith god Hephaestus. Orion told him his tragic story. The giant sounded genuinely sorry, so Hephaestus—who knew a lot about tragedy and second chances—designed mechanical eyes that allowed Orion to see again.
Orion retired to Delos, where he met Artemis. She thought he was a nice-enough guy. He didn’t try to hide his past crimes. He also had incredible hunting skills. His years of blindness had sharpened his other senses, and his mechanical eyes gave him all sorts of cool night vision/targeting abilities. He became the first male ever to join the Hunters of Artemis.
I’m not sure how the other followers felt about that. The Hunters had never been co-ed before. But Orion didn’t try anything funny. He kept his distance from the girls when they were bathing. He helped out with the chores just like everybody else. Pretty soon he became fast friends with Artemis.
The only problem: Orion was a little too good at hunting. One day he was out by himself, and he got carried away. He shot sixteen bears, twelve lions, and several monsters that he couldn’t even name. Then he started shooting harmless stuff: deer, rabbits,
squirrels, birds, wombats. Maybe he just snapped. Maybe Apollo drove him crazy, because Apollo didn’t like how much time this dude was spending with his sister.
Anyway, Orion soon had a mound of dead wombat carcasses piled up around him. He painted his face with squirrel blood and put leaves in his hair and started screaming, “I will kill all the animals in the world! All of them! Die, stupid furry critters!”
This didn’t really fit with the Hunters’ nature-friendly mission statement. It also didn’t please Gaea the Earth Mother. Orion was screaming so loudly that he got her attention, even while she was sleeping, and Gaea muttered to herself: “You want to kill something, punk? Try this.”
Just behind Orion, a massive scorpion emerged from a fissure in the ground. The giant turned and got a poisonous stinger right in the chest.
That was the end of Orion. Artemis went searching for him, and when she found his cold, lifeless body, surrounded (for some bizarre reason) by thousands of dead furry critters, her heart was broken again. This time Artemis made a constellation. She put Orion in the sky, with a scorpion nearby, so his story would live forever.
I guess the moral is: don’t try to massacre bunnies, squirrels, and wombats. They didn’t do anything to you, and you might find that they have a very big scorpion friend.
Artemis’s last best friend was a prince named Hippolytos. The guy was handsome and charming and had no interest in romance at all. He just wanted to spend all his time hunting. In other words, he was Artemis’s perfect man. She accepted him into the Hunt, which must have been a challenge for some of her female followers. The guy was a little too attractive for his own good.
Still, Hippolytos was a model follower. He kept his vows and never gave the ladies a second look.
Not everybody liked this, though. Up on Olympus, Aphrodite the goddess of love was outraged.
“Are you kidding me?” she wailed. “A hot guy like that, hanging out with eighty beautiful women, and he’s not interested? This is an insult! This is not okay!”
The next time Hippolytos went home to visit his dad, King Theseus (who is a whole other story, that dude), they got into this huge argument. Dad wanted Hippolytos to get married so he could have kids and carry on the family name when he became king, blah, blah, blah.