Demeter’s seemingly perfect camouflage in the herd turned out to be a perfect trap. The other horses made way for Poseidon, but they hemmed in Demeter and wouldn’t let her move. She got so panicky, afraid of getting trampled, that she couldn’t even change shape into something else. Poseidon sidled up to her and whinnied something like Hey, beautiful. Galloping my way?
Much to Demeter’s horror, Poseidon got a lot cuddlier than she wanted.
These days, Poseidon would be arrested for that kind of behavior. I mean…assuming he wasn’t in horse form. I don’t think you can arrest a horse. Anyway, back in those days, the world was a rougher, ruder place. Demeter couldn’t exactly report Poseidon to King Zeus, because Zeus was just as bad.
Months later, a very embarrassed and angry Demeter gave birth to twins. The weirdest thing? One of the babies was a goddess; the other one was a stallion. I’m not going to even try to figure that out. The baby girl was named Despoine, but you don’t hear much about her in the myths. When she grew up, her job was looking after Demeter’s temple, like the high priestess of corn magic or something. Her baby brother, the stallion, was named Arion. He grew up to be a super-fast immortal steed who helped out Hercules and some other heroes, too. He was a pretty awesome horse, though I’m not sure that Demeter was real proud of having a son who needed new horseshoes every few months and was constantly nuzzling her for apples.
At this point, you’d think Demeter would have sworn off those gross, disgusting men forever and joined Hestia in the Permanently Single Club.
Strangely, a couple of months later, she fell in love with a human prince named Iasion (pronounced EYE-son, I think). Just shows you how far humans had come since Prometheus gave them fire. Now they could speak and write. They could brush their teeth and comb their hair. They wore clothes and occasionally took baths. Some of them were even handsome enough to flirt with goddesses.
This dude Iasion (not Jason, that’s a different guy) was a hero of Crete. He was handsome and well mannered, and he always looked out for his local farmers, which was a sure way to Demeter’s heart. One day Iasion was out inspecting some newly plowed fields when Demeter happened by in the guise of a mortal maiden. They started talking: Oh, I love wheat. Me, too! Wheat is the best! Or something like that; and they fell in love.
They met in the fields several more times. For a few weeks, Demeter was head-over-heels in love. Of course, something had to go wrong. The next time Demeter visited the fields, Zeus happened to be watching from Mount Olympus. He saw Demeter getting cozy with this mortal guy—hugging and kissing and talking about wheat—and Zeus got insanely jealous.
Completely unfair, right? Zeus and Demeter weren’t even together. Still, when Zeus saw a mortal hero making time with “his” girl, he blew his top.
The nice thing about getting mad at mortals—they are mortal. Which means you can kill them.
Demeter was giving Iasion a big kiss when the sky rumbled. The clouds tore open, and lightning flashed. KER-ZAP! Suddenly Demeter was alone in the wheat field, her clothes smoldering. A pile of hero ashes lay at her feet.
She wailed and screamed curses at Zeus, but there was nothing she could do. She sulked off to her private apartment on Mount Olympus and stayed there for months. When she finally came out, she was holding the last child she would ever bear—a boy named Pluotos. (Not Pluto. That’s another different guy). You don’t hear much about Pluotos in the old myths either, but he became a minor god of agricultural wealth. He wandered around Greece, looking for successful farmers and rewarding them for their hard work with bags of cash—kind of like the Old MacDonald Prize Patrol.
At this point, Demeter decided enough was enough. She still had the occasional date, but she never got married, never had another kid, and her relationships with the male gods were always strained.
Her experiences also kind of soured that sweet personality of hers. You might not think a grain goddess could be scary, but dang. You should’ve seen what she did to this one dude, Erisikhthon.
I know. Stupidest name ever. I think it’s pronounced Err-ISS-ick-thon, but heck, I’m just guessing. Anyway, this guy was a local prince who thought he was the coolest thing since bronze. He wanted to build himself a huge mansion with lumber from the nearby forests.
The problem? The biggest and nicest trees—the only ones he thought were good enough for his mansion—were in a grove that was sacred to Demeter. These massive oaks and poplars soared over a hundred feet tall, and each one had a nature spirit, a dryad, watching over it. The dryads would dance around, singing songs about Demeter and making flower necklaces, or whatever dryads do in their spare time.
Everybody in the whole country knew the grove was sacred to Demeter, but Eric Whatever-his-name-was—he didn’t care. (You know, I think I’ll just call him Eric.) So Eric got like fifty of his biggest, strongest friends together. He gave them sharp bronze axes, and they headed off to the grove.
As soon as the dryads saw them coming, they shrieked in alarm and called on Demeter to protect them.
They must’ve had the goddess on speed dial, because she was there in a flash.
Demeter took the form of a human maiden and appeared in the road, right in front of Eric and his army of ax-wielding goons.
“Oh, my!” she said. “Such big strong men! Where are you going?”
“Out of the way, girl,” Eric grumbled. “We have some chopping to do.”
“But why are you attacking these poor defenseless trees?”
“I need the lumber!” Eric bellowed. “I’m going to make the greatest mansion in the world!”
His friends cheered and waved their axes menacingly.
“You should choose other trees,” Demeter said, trying to keep her cool. “This grove is sacred to Demeter.”
“Bah!” Eric said. “These are the tallest trees in the land. I need tall trees for my great hall. My friends and I intend to feast there every night. We will have such excellent feasts, I will be famous throughout Greece!”
His friends shouted, “Yum!” and made lip-smacking noises.
“But this is the home of many innocent dryads,” Demeter persisted.
“If the dryads try to stop me,” Eric said, “I will cut them down too!”
Demeter clenched her jaw. “And if Demeter tries to stop you?”
Eric laughed. “Let her try. I’m not afraid of a silly crop goddess. Now, stand aside, or I’ll chop you up as well, girl.”
He shouldered the goddess aside and marched toward the largest tree—a huge white poplar. As he swung his ax, a blast of hot wind knocked him on his butt.
Demeter grew to massive height—towering above the trees like Grainzilla in her green-and-black robes, her crown of corn leaves steaming in her golden hair, her scythe blade casting a shadow across the entire group of mortals.
“SO,” the giant Demeter boomed, “YOU ARE NOT AFRAID?”
Eric’s fifty goons dropped their axes and ran screaming like little girls.
Eric tried to rise, but his knees were jelly. “I, uh, I just…uh—”
“YOU WANTED TO BE FAMOUS FOR FEASTING!” Demeter roared. “AND YOU WILL FEAST, ERISIKHTHON—EVERY NIGHT, A GREAT FEAST AS YOU INTENDED! I AM THE GODDESS OF THE HARVEST, THE MISTRESS OF ALL NOURISHMENT. YOU WILL EAT AND EAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS, BUT YOUR HUNGER WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED!”
Demeter disappeared in a flash of emerald light.
Poor Eric ran away whimpering, and swearing to the gods that he would never ever touch that sacred grove. It didn’t matter. That night, when he had finished his dinner, he was just as hungry as when he started. He ate a second dinner, then a third; but he felt no better. He drank like, a gallon of water; but he couldn’t quench his thirst.
Within a few days, the hunger and thirst became unbearable. He only got relief when he slept. Even then, he dreamed about food. When he woke up, he was starving again.
Eric was a rich man, but within a few weeks he had sold most of his possessions just to buy food. He ate constantly, all day every day. Nothing helped. Eventually he lost everything he owned. His friends abandoned him. He got so desperate, he even tried to sell his own daughter into slavery to get money for food. Fortunately, Demeter wasn’t cruel enough to let that happen. The daughter pleaded for someone to rescue her, and Poseidon came to her aid. Maybe he figured he owed Demeter a favor for the horse-cuddling incident. Maybe he just didn’t mind helping out a pretty mortal girl. Anyway, he took the girl under his protection and made her a housekeeper in his underwater palace. As for Erisikhthon, he wasted away and died in agony. Happy ending.
Word got around. The mortals decided that maybe they should take Demeter seriously. Anybody who controls food can bless you—or they can curse you very, very badly.
After that, Demeter figured she’d gotten her anger out of her system. She decided to relax and enjoy life, and the thing that brought her the most happiness in the world was her eldest daughter, Persephone. Oh, sure, she loved her other kids; but Persephone was her favorite.
“I’m done with drama,” Demeter told herself. “I’m just going to kick back and enjoy spending time with my wonderful daughter!”
As you can probably guess, that didn’t work out so well.
PERSEPHONE MARRIES HER STALKER
(OR, DEMETER, THE SEQUEL)
I HAVE TO BE HONEST. I never understood what made Persephone such a big deal. I mean, for a girl who almost destroyed the universe, she seems kind of meh.
Sure, she was pretty. She had her mother’s long blond hair and Zeus’s sky blue eyes. She didn’t have a care in the world. She was sure the whole world had been invented just for her pleasure. I guess when your parents are both gods, you can come to believe that.
She loved the outdoors. She spent her days roaming the countryside with her nymph and goddess friends, wading in streams, picking flowers in sunlit meadows, eating fresh fruit right off the tree—heck, I’m just making this up, but I’m guessing that’s what a teenage goddess would have done before smartphones were invented.
The thing is, Persephone didn’t have much else going for her. She wasn’t all that bright. She wasn’t brave. She didn’t really have any goals or hobbies (other than the flower-picking thing). She was just kind of there, enjoying life and being a spoiled, sheltered, overprivileged kid. I guess it’s nice work if you can get it, but I didn’t grow up that way, so I don’t have much sympathy for her.
Still, Demeter lived for her daughter, and I can’t blame her for being over-protective. Demeter had had enough bad experiences with those sneaky male gods. After all, Persephone had come into the world because of a snake ambush. The kid was lucky she wasn’t hatched from an egg.
Of course, since Persephone was declared off-limits, all the male gods noticed her and thought she was incredibly hot. They all wanted to marry her, but they knew Demeter would never allow it. Anytime one of them got close, Demeter appeared out of nowhere with her dragon-drawn chariot and her wicked golden sword.
Most of the gods let it go. They decided to find some safer goddess to date.
But one god couldn’t get Persephone out of his mind—namely Hades, lord of the Underworld.
Perfect match, right? An old gloomy dude who lives in the world’s largest cave filled with the souls of the dead, and he falls in love with a pretty young girl who likes sunlight and flowers and the Great Outdoors. What could possibly go wrong?
Hades knew it was hopeless. Persephone was completely out of his league. Besides, Demeter wouldn’t let any god get close to her daughter. No way in Tartarus would she let Hades date her.
Hades tried to get over her. But he was lonely down there in the Underworld with no company except the dead. He kept putting on his helmet of invisibility and sneaking up to the mortal world so he could watch Persephone frolic around. In other words, he was the world’s first stalker.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had a crush on somebody that bad, but Hades became obsessed. He kept sketches of Persephone in his pocket. He carved her name on his obsidian dining table with a knife—which took a lot of work. He dreamed about her and had imaginary conversations with her where he admitted his love and she confessed that she had always had a thing for creepy older guys who lived in caves full of dead people.
Hades got so distracted, he couldn’t even concentrate on his work. His job was to sort out the souls of the dead once they got to the Underworld, but the ghosts started escaping back into the world, or wandering into the wrong spiritual neighborhoods. The traffic jams at the gates of the Underworld got ridiculous.
Finally Hades couldn’t stand it anymore. To his credit, he didn’t try to trick Persephone or take her by force—at least not at first. He thought: Well, Demeter will never listen to me. Maybe I should talk to Persephone’s dad.
It wasn’t easy for Hades to visit Mount Olympus. He knew he wasn’t welcome there. He certainly didn’t want to ask any favors of his annoying little brother Zeus, but he put on a brave face and marched into the Olympian throne room.
He happened to catch Zeus in a good mood. The lord of the skies had just finished all his godly work for the week—scheduling the clouds, organizing the winds, and doing whatever else a sky god has to do. Now he was sitting back, drinking some nectar, and enjoying the gorgeous day. He was daydreaming about another beautiful lady he was intent on marrying, namely Hera; so when Hades came to see him, Zeus had a faraway smile on his face.
“Lord Zeus.” Hades bowed.
“Hades!” Zeus cried. “What’s up, man? Long time no see!”
Hades was tempted to remind Zeus that it was “long time, no see” because Zeus had told him he wasn’t welcome on Mount Olympus; but he decided he’d better not mention that.
“Uh, actually…” Hades tugged nervously at his black robes. “I need some advice. About a woman.”
Zeus grinned. “You’ve come to the right place. The ladies love me!”
“Okay…” Hades started to wonder if this was a good idea. “It’s about one particular lady—your daughter, Persephone.”
Zeus’s smile wavered. “Say what, now?”
Hades had been holding in his feelings for so long, he just broke down. He confessed everything, even the stalkerish stuff. He promised he would make Persephone an excellent husband. He would be devoted and give her everything she wanted, if only Zeus would give him permission to marry her.
Zeus stroked his beard. Most days, he would have gotten angry at such a ridiculous request. He would’ve brought out his lightning bolts and sent Hades back to the Underworld with his robes on fire and his hair all spiky and smoking. But today Zeus was in a good mood. He was actually sort of touched that Hades had come to him with this problem and been so honest. He felt sorry for his creepy stalker brother, and he definitely understood how a guy could get obsessed with a woman.
Sure, Persephone was his daughter; but Zeus had lots of daughters by lots of different ladies. It wasn’t like Persephone was his special favorite, or anything. He was inclined to be generous and give her away.
He drummed his fingers on the arm of his throne. “The problem is Demeter. Uh…that is Demeter’s daughter, right? I forget.”
“Yes, my lord,” Hades said.
“Her favorite daughter,” Zeus remembered. “The light of her life, whom she never lets out of her sight, et cetera.”
“Yes, my lord.” Hades started to feel uncomfortable. “Should I talk to Demeter? Perhaps if you broke the ice and made her promise to listen. Or maybe I should declare my love to Persephone?”
“What?” Zeus looked appalled. “Be honest with women? That never works, bro. You’ve got to be strong. Take what you want.”
“Uh…really?”
“Always works for me,” Zeus said. “I suggest kidnapping. When nobody is looking,
capture Persephone and take her back to your crib. Demeter won’t know what happened. By the time she figures it out…too late! Persephone will be yours. You’ll have plenty of time to convince the young lady to stay with you in the Underworld.”
Hades was starting to have doubts about Zeus’s wisdom. “Um, you’re sure this is a good idea?”
“Totally!” Zeus said.
Hades chewed his lip. The whole kidnapping thing seemed a little risky. He wasn’t sure if Persephone would actually like being abducted, but he didn’t know much about women. Maybe Zeus was right.
(For the record: NO, HE WASN’T.)
“There’s one problem, my lord,” Hades said. “Persephone is never alone. She’s either with Demeter or with some nymph or goddess chaperones. How can I abduct her in secret? Even if I use my invisibility helmet, I can’t turn her invisible or stop her from screaming.”
Zeus’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “Leave that to me. Go get your chariot ready.”
Zeus waited until Demeter was busy doing some agricultural stuff on the far side of the world—like ripening the barley in Libya, or something. I’m not sure what.
Anyway, Persephone was left in the care of her nymph chaperones. Usually that worked out fine, but the nymphs weren’t really cut out to be bodyguards. They could be easily distracted, and so could Persephone.
As usual, the girls went out into the meadows. They spent the morning exploring the hills and having splash-fights in the river. After a nice lazy lunch, letting their dresses dry in the sunlight, Persephone decided to go pick some flowers.
“Don’t wander too far!” one of the nymphs called.
“I won’t,” Persephone promised.
She wasn’t worried. The world was her playground! Everyone loved her, and besides, what could possibly go wrong while she was picking flowers in a meadow?
The nymphs were sleepy and warm and full from lunch, and so they lay down for a nap.