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Letting my sister choose her own path was hard, but I did it. And I didnt freak out. Knowing it was Shelleys choice made me feel so much better.
But now Im alone. Alex took a piece of my heart with him when he left. Im guarding what I have left with a vengeance. Ive come to the conclusion that the only life Im going to control is my own. Alex chose his path. It didnt include me.
I ignore Alexs friends at school, and they ignore me. We all pretend the beginning of senior year didnt actually happen. Except Isabel. We talk sometimes, but its painful. We have a silent understanding between us, and its helped make me feel like I have someone going through the same sort of pain Im dealing with.
Opening my locker before chemistry class in May, I notice a pair of hand warmers hanging on the hooks inside. The worst night of my life comes crashing back to me full force.
Has Alex been here? Did he place the hand warmers in the locker himself?
As much as I want to forget him, I cant. I read that goldfish have a memory of five seconds. I envy them. My memory of Alex, my love for him, will last my lifetime.
I clutch the soft hand warmers to my chest and kneel beside my locker, crying. Ugh. Im a shell of a person.
Sierra stands at my feet. "Brit, whats wrong?"
Im unable to move. Unable to pull myself together.
"Come on," Sierra says, pulling me up. "Everybodys watching. "
Darlene walks by us. "Seriously, isnt it time you got over your gang-banger boyfriend who dumped you? Youre starting to look pathetic," she says, making sure the crowd gathering around us hears her.
Colin appears beside Darlene. He scowls at me. "Alex deserved what he got," he hisses.
Whether its right or wrong, fight for what you believe in. My hands are already in fists when I swing at him. He dodges the punch, then grabs my wrist and twists it behind my back.
Doug steps forward. "Let her go, Colin. "
"Stay out of this, Thompson. "
"Dude, humiliating her because she dumped you for another guy is plain lame. "
Colin pushes me aside and pulls up his sleeves.
I cant allow Doug to fight my battle. "If you want to fight him, youll have to get past me first," I say.
To my surprise, Isabel steps in front of me. "And youll have to get past me to get to her. "
Sierra takes a place beside Isabel. "And me, too. "
A Mexican guy named Sam pushes Gary Frankel next to Isabel. "This guy can break your arm with one snap, asshole. Get out of my sight before I sic him on you," Sam says.
Gary, whos wearing a coral shirt and white pants, growls to look tough. It doesnt work.
Colin looks left and right for support but cant find any.
I blink in disbelief. Maybe the universe was in disarray before, but now its back in alignment.
"Come on, Colin," Darlene orders. "We dont need these pathetic lame-os anyway. " They walk off together. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
"Im so proud of you, Douggie," Sierra says, throwing herself on him. They start making out immediately, not caring whos watching or about Fairfields PDA policy.
"I love you," Doug says when they come up for air.
"I love you, too," Sierra coos in a baby voice.
"Get a room," another classmate calls out.
But they keep kissing until music plays from the loudspeakers. The crowd disperses. Im still clutching the hand warmers.
Isabel kneels next to me. "I never told Paco how I felt, you know. I never took the risk, and now its too late. "
"Im so sorry, Isa. I took the risk and lost Alex anyway, so maybe youre better off. "
She shrugs, and I know shes trying to keep it together so she doesnt break down at school. "I suppose Ill get over it one day. Its not likely, but I can hope, cant I?" She straightens her shoulders and stands, putting on a brave front. I watch as she walks to class, wondering if she talks about it with her other friends or if she confides only in me.
"Come on," Sierra says, unlocking herself from Dougs embrace and pulling me toward the school exit. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and sit on the curb beside Sierras car, not caring that Im ditching class. "Im fine, Sierra. Really. "
"No, youre not fine. Brit, Im your best friend. Ill be here before and after your boyfriends. So spill your guts. Im all ears. "
"I loved him. "
"No shit, Sherlock. Tell me something I dont know. "
"He used me. He had sex with me to win a bet. And I still love him. Sierra, I am pathetic. "
"You had sex and didnt tell me? I mean, I thought it was a rumor. You know, of the untrue kind. "
I lean my head in my hands in frustration.
"Im just kidding. I dont even want to know. Okay, I do, but only if you want to tell me," Sierra says. "Forget about that now. I saw the way Alex always looked at you, Brit. Thats why I laid off you for liking him. There was no way he was acting. I dont know who told you about a supposed bet--"
I look up. "He did. And his friends confirmed it. Why cant I let him go?"
Sierra shakes her head, as if erasing the words Ive said. "First things first. " She grabs my chin and forces me to look at her. Alex had feelings for you, whether he admitted it to you or not, whether there was a bet or not. You know that, Brit, or you wouldnt be clutching those hand warmers like that. Second of all, Alex is out of your life and you owe it to yourself, to his goofy friend Paco, and to me to keep plugging along even if its not easy. "
"I cant help but think he pushed me away on purpose. If I could only talk to him, I can get answers. "
"Maybe he doesnt have the answers. Thats why he left. If he wants to give up on life, to ignore whats right in front of him, so be it. But you show him that youre stronger than that. "
Sierra is right. For the first time I feel I can make it through the rest of senior year. Alex took a piece of my heart that night we made love, and hell forever hold it. But that doesnt mean my life has to be on hold indefinitely. I cant run after ghosts.
Im stronger now. At least, I hope I am.
Two weeks later Im the last one in the locker room to change for gym. The click of heels makes me look up. Its Carmen Sanchez. I dont freak out. Instead, I stand and look right at her.
"He was back in Fairfield, you know," she tells me.
"I know," I say, remembering the hand warmers in my locker. But he left. Like a whisper, he was there and then disappeared.
She looks almost nervous, vulnerable. "You know those giant stuffed-animal prizes at the carnival? The kind practically nobody wins, except the lucky few? Ive never won one. "
"Yeah. Ive never won one, either. "
"Alex was my giant prize. I hated you for taking him away," she admits.
I shrug. "Yeah, well, stop hating me. I dont have him, either. "
"I dont hate you anymore," she says. "Ive moved on. "
I swallow and then say, "Me, too. "
Carmen chuckles. Then, just as she walks out of the room, I hear her mumble, "Alex sure as hell hasnt. "
Whats that supposed to mean?
Brittany Five Months Later
The smell of August in Colorado is definitely different from the smell in Illinois. I shake out my new, short hairstyle, not even bothering to smooth the frizzies down as I attempt to unpack boxes in my dorm room at the university.
My roommate, Lexie, is from Arkansas. Shes like a little pixie, short and sweet; she could definitely pass for one of Tinkerbells descendents. I swear Ive never seen her frown. Sierra, at the University of Illinois, wasnt so lucky with her roommate, Dara. The girl has divided the closet and room into separate quarters and gets up at 5:30 a. m. every day (even weekends) to work out in their dorm room. Sierra is miserable, but shes spending most of her time in Dougs dorm room so its not too bad.
"Ya sure you dont want tgo with us?" Lexie asks me, her Southern drawl flowing from each word. Shes going with a bunch of other freshman girls to the qua
d, where theres some kind of welcome party.
"Ive got to finish unpacking, then Im going to see my sister. I promised her Id visit as soon as I unpacked. "
"Okay," Lexie says, pulling out and trying on clothes to get the "perfect look" for tonight. When she finds an outfit, she fixes her hair and touches up her makeup. It makes me think of the old me, the one who tried so hard to meet everyones expectations.
When Lexie leaves a half hour later, I sit on my bed and pull out my cell phone. Flipping it open, I stare at the picture of Alex and me. I hate myself for having the urge to look at it. So many times Ive tried to force myself to delete the pictures, erase the past. But I cant.
I reach into my desk drawer and pull out Alexs bandanna, fresh and clean and folded up neatly into a square. I touch the smooth material, remembering when Alex gave it to me. To me, it doesnt represent the Latino Blood. It represents Alex.
My cell rings, bringing me back to the present. Its someone from Sunny Acres. When I answer it, a womans voice is on the other end of the line.
"Is this Brittany Ellis?"
"Yes. "
"This is Georgia Jackson, from Sunny Acres. Everything is just fine with Shelley, but she wanted to know if youd be here before or after dinner. "
I look at my watch. Its four thirty. "Tell her Ill be there in fifteen minutes. Im leaving now. "
After I hang up, I place the bandanna back in my desk drawer and shove the phone into my purse.
Taking the bus to the other side of town doesnt take long, and before I know it Im walking toward the lounge at Sunny Acres where the receptionist said my sister was.
I spot Georgia Jackson first. Shes been the link between Shelley and me when I call to ask about her every few days. Her friendly and warm welcome greets me.
"Wheres Shelley?" I ask, scanning the room.
"Playing checkers, as usual," Georgia says, pointing to the corner. Shelley isnt facing me, but I recognize the back of her head and her wheelchair.
Shes squealing, a hint that she won the game.
As I get closer to her, I catch a glimpse of whos playing against her. The dark hair should have been a clue that my life is about to be turned upside down, but it doesnt fully register. I freeze.
It cant be. My imagination must be going berserk.
But when he turns around and those familiar dark eyes pierce mine, reality zings up my spine like a lightning bolt.
Alex is here. Ten steps away from me. Oh, God, every feeling Ive ever had for him comes rushing back like a tidal wave. I dont know what to do or say. I turn back to Georgia, wondering if she knew Alex was here. One look at her hopeful face tells me she did.
"Brittanys here," I hear him tell Shelley before he stands and carefully turns her wheelchair around so she can face me.
Like a robot, I walk toward my sister and wrap her in a hug. When I release her, Alex is standing in front of me, wearing khaki chinos and a blue-checkered button-down shirt. I can only stare at him, my stomach doing weird flip-flops, making me queasy. The world recedes at the edges, and all I can see is him.
I finally find my voice. "A-Alex . . . ? W-what are you doing here?" I ask, all tongue-tied.
He shrugs. "I promised Shelley a rematch, didnt I?"