"Thanks." I stuffed it into my bag, my mind racing. Grandma had told him I'd call? I thought her "Darling, call him," stuff was her trying to give advice. Why couldn't she just say, "He asked you to call him," like a normal person? "She didn't exactly give me all of your message."
"Well, I said I had your shoe and that you should call me."
"To what, discuss ransom?"
He laughed. "No. I thought--" We'd walked out into the hall now, and I could see people watching us. Hookup aftermath viewing was truly Jackson High's most popular sport.
I saw Will look around, watched him realize our conversation had gone public. Very public.
"I thought that test would be easier," he said, two spots of dull red appearing on his face, and tossed off a "Later," before walking off.
And so I ended up standing alone in the hallway, undoubtedly looking like I'd just been blown off by a guy I was sure rumor had me conceiving triplets with. The worst part was, there was nothing I could do about it--and I still had the rest of the day to get through.
Hell, I had the rest of the year to get through, not to mention the rest of high school.
Still, Will had blown me off, so at least that was over. We were over. I told myself the burning feeling in my throat and behind my eyes was worry over the test I'd just taken, and not anything else.
I managed to make it through second period by pretending I couldn't see everyone looking at me, but then I ran into Will again. He was in the hall outside class when it ended. He looked liked he'd combed his hair with a fork, and said he'd meant to say something else before.
"Oh?" I said, my stupid brain churning up fantasies of him sweeping me into his arms and kissing me while people threw flowers and someone handed me keys to a new car.
"Yeah," he said, and glanced around. Once again, plenty of people were watching. "So . .
. how do you think you did on the test?"
If only the world could have ended then. But it didn't, and so Will and I discussed the test again.
And then, after third period, I saw him once more. This time he looked like he'd combed his hair with a fork and had the wild-eyed look of someone who hadn't slept for three days. Topic of conversation? THE WEATHER. It was horrible.
The only good thing to come out of whatever was going on was that people weren't staring at us anymore. Instead everyone-- even the girls--was looking at Will like he'd gone a bit crazy. It would have made me feel better except that every time he said,
"Kate?" my heart started pounding and I started hoping for things I knew would never happen.
Hope was supposed to be a good thing, but it was starting to feel like every other four-letter word you're not supposed to say. I didn't see him before lunch, though, and afterward I was sure I wouldn't see him again.
I figured he was finally done doing whatever it was he was doing to me. Plus we'd exhausted every stupid conversation topic out there. I mean, what was left to talk about once you'd discussed the weather?
The fact that I had rice in my hair.
Yes, that's right. Apparently there wasn't enough humiliation in my life, because I did see Will as I left the cafeteria. In fact, I pretty much walked right into him.
"Hey," he said. "I--I was wondering if... do you know you have rice in your hair?"
"No," I said, hearing my voice crack and hating myself for it, for letting him get to me again. I headed for the girls' room, practically shoving him out of the way. He looked sad, but I knew I was seeing things. Will looked amused or adorable or sometimes bored, and I was the girl with rice in her hair.
I picked it out, a small sticky lump snagged in the ends of my hair, and tossed it in the trash, telling myself that when I had a real job and a real car and a real life, this would be funny. Or at least forgettable.
"Here," I heard, and saw Sarah standing behind me, holding up a small brush. "You want to borrow this?"
I'd actually rather have my eyes sewn shut, but you didn't turn down kindness from girls like Sarah. Well, some people would. People with actual self-esteem, for example. But I'd just lost all of mine and I'd have taken a nice gesture from anyone then.
"Thanks," I said, and took the brush. "Sure," Sarah said. "I heard what Will said back there. And I saw him talking to you after third period too. It's one thing to be all . . . whatever after you hook up, but he's acting really weird."
"Yeah," I said, and dragged the brush through my hair as fast as I could, not wanting to discuss what had happened Friday night with her or anyone else. "Thanks."
"No problem," she said. "I've been there, you know? This one time last year, I hooked up with a senior, and when I saw him on Monday he called me Sandy and asked if his brother could call me. And his brother? Kim."
"Kim? 'I worship ancient movies' Kim?"
"That Kim," she said, and made a face. "It was the worst moment of my entire life, and I swore I'd always get a last name before I hooked up after that."
I nodded, not trusting myself to comment on anything she'd just said without mocking or laughing. Or both.
"Anyway," she said, tossing her brush in her bag and checking her makeup, "I just wanted to say that guys suck sometimes, you know?"
"They do," I said, and when I left the bathroom I felt--well, not great, but better, and it was thanks to Sarah, of all people. I almost felt bad for the stuff I'd thought about her before. I knew a better person would actually feel sorry, but then a better person probably wouldn't have had to watch Sarah rub herself up against the guy I liked.
Wait, make that used to like. And definitely wasn't talking to again.
Except that when I left my last class, Will was there. I walked out into the hall and saw him. He looked like he was going to throw up and was clearly waiting for me because he said, "Kate," when I came out and then started walking toward me.
I can't tell you how terrible it felt to know I made him look like he was going to vomit.
Next thing you know, he'd see me and go into convulsions. I couldn't wait to get out of school and away from him, and turned around, walking away.
"Hey," he said, following me, "I need to talk to you."
I ignored him. Or at least pretended to.
"Seriously, Kate."
I started to walk faster, but he'd caught up with me and fell into step beside me.
"Look, I've been trying to say something all day, and if you'd just let me--"
"Fine." I stopped in the middle of the hall, not caring if people saw. I'd had it. Screw trying to pretend my life wasn't a big ball of suck. Screw trying to act like I could somehow stop it from getting worse. "Say whatever it is you want to say already, because I can't take another fucking conversation about the weather with you."
His face got red again. "I wanted to see if you wanted to go out sometime. With me, I mean. And without--" He gestured around us, face still red but a smile springing to his face, dimples showing. "An audience."
Yes, my brain screamed. YES! But only part of my brain. The rest of it--the thinking part of it--remembered how people had looked at us after first period, and how their expressions had changed with every "conversation" we'd had. How they'd started to look at him, and how Sarah, of all people, had said something nice to me after lunch.
How she clearly didn't think as much of him as she'd used to.
Will had made himself look like an ass, and I knew he was smart enough to know it. And what better way to redeem himself than asking me out, especially since Will never asked anyone out. He didn't date. Everyone knew it. I knew it.
This was a big gesture. A big moment, and I could guess why he'd done it. And when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah, I knew it had worked because she wasn't shooting me glances of solidarity. She was watching Will like he'd done something incredible.
He'd fixed things for himself. All I had to do was play along, and I'd get the date I'd dreamed of.
"No," I said.
"No?" He looked startled, which confirmed what I already knew, tha
t him asking me out wasn't about me at all, but it still hurt. It hurt a lot.
"That's right," I said. "I don't want to go out with you. I don't want anything to do with you. You hook up with me, then humiliate me. I've had more than enough of you."
And so I did get to have a say, I got to end something before it could end on me.
It wasn't what I wanted. But then, what was in my life that I did want?
Chapter twenty-six
Work was weird. I didn't get to go home, not even to make something to eat for dinner, because Dad had to close the booth down to come get me and was anxious to get back.
Mall management didn't like it if stores were shut down during mall hours, and apparently Dad had already gotten in trouble for it.
When I asked him when he'd shut the store down, he muttered something about
"taking a break" to look at video games with Todd "a couple of times." Figured.
"How come you never take me to the movies or ask me to go somewhere with you at work?" I said, and looked out the window. The mall loomed in front of us, just waiting to suck me in. I couldn't believe I'd ever wanted to spend time here.
"Well, I--you're always doing homework or fixing things in our storage area," Dad said, and I cleared my throat, embarrassed that he thought I was working so hard when I'd mostly been making out with Will.
"Plus, whenever I ask you about coffee or getting something to eat, you always tell me to bring you something or say you aren't hungry or--" Now Dad cleared his throat.
"Look, the truth is, I know you don't like working with me, and I wouldn't--I don't want to embarrass you. But if you want to do something together, I'd really like that. Like tomorrow, I'm planning on visiting Todd at work in the morning, before the mall opens, to hand out some free samples. You should come. You'd miss a little bit of school, but I bet you wouldn't mind that, right?"
"You're going to try and sell Perfect You stuff at Todd's job while he's working? Won't that get him in trouble?"
Dad shook his head. "No, it's not like that. I'm just going to put some samples by the door and say hello to anyone who picks them up. I think it'll be a great way to start building a client base."
How was that different from what I'd said? And how could my father be so clueless?
"Todd wants you to do this?"
"I thought I'd surprise him," Dad said. "Thank him for pitching in. I know it's been hard on him, giving up his dream to take the first job that came along."
I laughed. I couldn't help it. I knew it was mean, but come on! Todd's "dream" had consisted of watching television, hogging the computer, bathroom, and phone, and going out.
"You think what your brother's done is funny?" Dad said. He didn't sound mad, just disappointed, the most negative emotion he seemed to let himself feel, and I sighed. I knew why Dad was
upset, that he saw all of Todd's so-called dreams as reflections of the one he had, and that was both sad and really worrying. I thought losing the house might make Dad less enamored with his "dream job."
I guess I was wrong.
"I don't think it's funny," I said carefully. "I think it's great Todd's working. But maybe--
maybe you should ask him if it's okay to bring all the Perfect You stuff with you before you visit."
"Oh." Now he sounded hurt and sad, but when I looked over at him he was smiling like always. Great. I wished he could get upset like a normal person. The way he always turned away from anger made me feel guilty for having any of my own.
"I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't care," I said, "but he's probably in some sort of training/new employee thing, and I bet that's keeping him really busy. He'd probably be too busy to even talk, you know?"
"I hadn't thought about that, but I guess you're right. Thanks, honey." He sounded cheerful, but as soon as we got to the booth he took off on an "errand" and I was left alone. I got out my homework and wondered why it sometimes felt like I was the parent and Dad was the kid.
I went to the food court on my dinner break, but even though I sat in the middle, visible to everyone, and lingered for an extra ten minutes, I didn't see Will.
I went out to the trash bins right before the mall closed, to throw out some expired vitamins that hadn't sold, but didn't see him there either. I told myself I wasn't going to check our storage space but I did, and stood there for a moment, alone. I guess Will really had heard what I'd told him earlier. That was good. It really was. If nothing else, it was about time someone listened to what I had to say. That I'd ended things before they ended on me.
But the thing was, even though I'd meant what I'd said to him before, I still wanted to kiss him. I wished I'd never gone to that stupid party. I wished I knew why he'd asked me if I was going. I wished he'd been in the food court or behind the mall or waiting for me by our storage space.
I wished that he really wanted me.
Todd was asleep when we got home, curled up on the sofa with a blanket pulled over his head. It pretty much discouraged conversation, and for once Grandma wasn't lying in wait. Even Mom hadn't waited up, though I could hear the television on in her and Dad's room.
I went to my room and thought about doing homework. I didn't feel like doing it, though. I wanted to talk to someone about what had happened. I wanted to talk about life with Grandma and Todd, about losing the house, about how I'd made a pyramid out of fourteen bottles of Garlic Gels at work and it was the only time Dad had truly smiled at me all night.
Weirdly, the first person that came to mind when I saw myself talking about all of it was Will. I guess what happened at school had gotten to me more than I realized. Maybe . . .
maybe he'd meant it when he asked me out. Maybe . . .
No, I wasn't going there. I'd seen everyone looking at us. I'd seen him see it too. I'd done the right thing. Plus Anna had said that me and Will together was insane. I was angry and hurt when she'd said it, but she was right, wasn't she? She'd known what I hadn't wanted to see. I should tell her that.
So I did.
I kicked off my shoes as I called her, curling up on my bed.
"Hello?"
"Hey," I said. "It's me. Kate, I mean."
"I know, silly. What's up?"
This was familiar. This was how we always talked. "I hate vitamins. Also, my feet hurt."
"You know what I mean," she said. "What's up with you and Will?"
"Nothing."
"Come on, Kate. He asked you out in front of half the school, and you destroyed him.
Sarah told me all about it."
Great. Remembering the way she'd been looking at Will the last time he spoke to me, I could just imagine what she'd said. "Did she tell you it was obvious he asked me out because half the school saw him talk to me about total crap and then run off all day?"
"She didn't say that, but I figured that's what happened. Because, okay, Will dating someone? Please. He's the king of hookups."
"So you knew it was a pity thing."
"I . . . Look, even if it was, so what? Will is okay but he's nothing special, you know? I mean, he totally blew Sarah off when she went out to the mall to talk to him this afternoon, and it's like, who does he think he is?"
"I--I don't know," I stammered, because I was too busy thinking about the fact that he'd blown Sarah off to be coherent. "Maybe he was too busy to talk."
"Please," Anna said. "You know what I mean by talk, and since when is Will too busy to hook up with someone?"
Wait a minute. Not only had Will not talked to Sarah, he hadn't hooked up with her?
My mind was reeling. "Has Sam said anything to you about it?"
"No. Will and Sam only hang out because . . . well, they used to be friends, but then Will's mom talked Sam's mom into starting this stupid business, and now Sam says Will's accused him and Sam's dad of trying to stop it, which is so stupid that-- hold on a second." I waited for Anna to click over to another call, but instead I heard her put the phone down and the faint sound of her mother's voice.
"Sorry
," she said, picking up the phone again. "Mom's having a bad day."
"You okay?"
She sort of laughed/sighed. "Sure. I have to be, don't I?"
"Anna--"
"No, it's okay. I don't want to turn into mopey girl. I've got Sam. I mean me, fat Anna Dray, is with Sam. I have the perfect life, you know? And I have the perfect boyfriend."
She didn't sound like she believed any of it, though. She just sounded like she wanted to, like she felt like she had to.
"That's . . . good."
"Good?" she said tightly, and then sighed. "You know me too well, Kate. Things aren't totally perfect. Sam . . . well, okay, first, his feet stink, which just.. it seems wrong to me. Plus he messed around with Tara over winter break."
"What?"
"Yeah." Anna's voice cracked a little. "I haven't--you're the only person who knows, okay? Tara told me a couple of weeks ago, all 'Yeah, Sam's great, and after we hooked up at Heather's over winter break he said he really loved you and I thought that was so sweet.' She was so upset when she realized I hadn't known about it that I felt bad for being mad."
"Anna!"
"You think she did it to be a bitch, right?"
"Yeah, I'd say casually mentioning she messed around with your boyfriend but hey, by the way, he totally loves you, qualifies as bitchy. What did Mr. Perfect have to say when you asked him about it?"
She mumbled something that sounded a lot like, "I don't know."
"You haven't said anything, have you?" I said. "Anna--"
"I can't say anything," she said. "He hates it when I get jealous. And it's Sam. Sam, Kate."
"I know it's Sam, but. . . okay, remember what you said last year when everyone knew that the senior Diane was messing around with was just using her to get back at his ex-girlfriend? You said it was stupid for Diane to pretend everything was okay just so she could be with some guy who didn't care about her or her feelings."
"Sam loves me, Kate," Anna's voice was clipped and cold. "And what happened to Diane was actually pretty terrible. She