"You're giving people the hope they need to be impenetrable?"
"No," he says. "I'm giving them the power to believe."
"In the one person they view as the weakest really being the strongest?"
"Exactly." He smiles, and when I feel his hand squeeze mine, I realize that during our conversation I had reached out to him.
"CUT," KANE CALLS OUT, SNAPPING my attention from the scene I had been held captive watching. "That's a wrap," Kane continues letting everyone know we're breaking for lunch while the next scene is set up. I'm still so enamored at everything I just witnessed that I can't bear to take my eyes from the action around me.
After we had sat down earlier, he caught me up to speed on everything they had filmed so far. Allison, played by Alessandra Hall, was playing a senior in high school. She had been raised in foster care, didn't have many friends, and didn't date. That is until the very popular Mark had turned his eyes on her. They had already filmed the majority of the movie; the parts where she had struggled with believing his interest, the contention he had faced in making her believe he was genuine in his interest, and most importantly, how he didn't care what others thought about him. He was who he was, and he made no apologies for that.
At the beginning of their budding relationship, others around them--his friends and others in his crowd--did their best to ruin things. Allison had verbally and physically been attacked because of their relationship. The 'popular' crew was not too happy that their shining star was bringing someone they felt unworthy into their ranks.
The scene shot today was one when Allison finally realizes she is worthy of Mark and the love they share. She emerges from a physical battle against Mark's ex-girlfriend bruised and beaten on the outside, but finally fighting for herself and not against herself. She decides to make the change and take the higher road, past the forces that want nothing more than to knock her down. She becomes her own shield.
Kane explains to me, through my tears, that this scene is going to be toward the end of the movie. Everything they had shot before had led up to this moment. This mental break where she becomes impenetrable to the hate of others. The point Allison becomes free to soar and becomes stronger.
Alessandra is a brilliant young and up-and-coming actress, but shockingly, she nails the fears and insecurities flawlessly. Her acting is so convincing I'm moved to tears. It's like seeing my own life--well, not exactly what Allison has gone through--being played out before me. I watch the same emotions I've felt in the past choking me strangle her, and then as the scene breaks, I watch in awe as she finally makes the climb to become strong.
"That was beautiful," I whisper, not wanting to break the magic that is floating around the set after Alessandra walks off. We had been sitting here for so long that I actually felt like what I was watching was reality, even with all the cameras around us. It felt so real.
Kane doesn't speak, so I finally tear my eyes away from the monitor I had been watching in rapt fascination and meet his penetrating gaze. I don't say another word, but I can tell by how he's watching me that he sees right through me. It's as if he can see inside my mind and the bits of Allison that I carry around. Or did, until I was able to find the strength inside myself to reach my own breaking point.
His phone rings right when he opens his mouth to speak. Looking down at the display, he gives me a sigh. "I need to take this."
"Of course. What can I do?"
"Just wait here?"
I nod, and he climbs to his feet before walking away slightly. But not before I hear him address his caller.
"Hey, Mia," he says softly.
Mia. Mia Post. If rumors are to be believed, his pregnant girlfriend. I turn my eyes to where Kane is standing, his head bowed and free hand holding the back of his neck--he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I need to trust that if whatever this is we're doing has any--what did he say? Hope? Yeah, if exploring what's between us is going to have the hope for more, then I have to trust that he'll tell me what's going on when he's ready. Reluctantly, I stop watching Kane, giving him his privacy, and direct my attention toward the monitor that had just before played the most beautiful scene I had ever witnessed.
I want to believe him. He said he wouldn't lie to me. I think back to our exchange earlier about the movie and his words to me.
She has to be able to show others the hope they need is within themselves and that you are stronger than fear tries to trick you into believing.
If I allow my fears to continue to rule me, I would take the safe route and ignore all caution. I know there's more to his relationship with Mia Post than he's told me, but I want to believe he's right. A person can be stronger than fear tries to trick them into believing. My past makes me want to automatically take the safe, fear-free path--but I don't want to be ruled by that anymore. I'm ready, fear be darned, to trust the unknown.
I look back over at him and sigh. It's time to take that leap and be what he believes is something achievable. Finally shed the weakness old Willow wore as a cloak of protection and allow my determination to be stronger and to be all the armor I need to protect myself.
I'm choosing to take that seed of hope, the promise of something bigger, and grow with the knowledge that the future really is whatever I make of it.
Kane was pulled away the second his call with Mia ended. He looked at me with an apology clear in his expression before following one of the lighting techs toward the next filming location. They had been busy breaking down the equipment around me in order to move to another area within the school.
"How are you doing? Pretty exciting, huh?" Kirby asks, reaching down to fiddle with some of my hair. Her smile is cautious but animated enough that I know she's having the time of her life.
"Insane is more like it. God, Kirb, the makeup job you did on Alessandra really made it look like she had been in a fight."
I smile when Kirby actually blushes. "That was so much fun. It's been a while since I was able to really get creative with makeup. It's been the same stagnant palate for so long, I forgot how much I loved this." She points and waves her finger around. "I know it sounds corny as hell, but I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for fate. How stupid does that sound?"
I nod, reaching over to wrap my arm around her shoulders. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean, Kirb."
"I hate everything you went through in order for this opportunity to literally fall into my lap, but I can't thank you enough, Willow."
Letting my arm drop, I turn to Kirby. "What do you mean? I didn't do anything." I laugh.
Kirby smiles, this one much different from the one she had before. This one is more sly ... as if she holds a secret I will never know. "Oh, Willow. You did it all, honey."
"You're being weird," I jest.
"Do you really think Kane would have offered me a job had he not wanted to ensure a certain someone who captured his attention was able to come along? As I said--fate. He just happened to be in the right place during a crappy situation, but everything that followed opened it up so that ... well, here we are."
I laugh, finding her theory hilarious. "Be serious, Kirb. He probably knew exactly who you were before he went to Logan last week. Getting me here was nothing more than him making sure you weren't overwhelmed."
Her brow raises, "Yeah? If that's the case, then why aren't you in there," she points in the direction of the trailers, "with me doing just that?"
My silence is enough for her. She knows I can't answer that. Sure, that was the reason I was told I was needed, but we both know--especially after everything that's happened since I got on set--she's most likely right.
"Okay. I'll admit, I think you're right about the motivation."
"Yeah, I know I am. The question is, what are you going to do about it?" Her voice is soft, questioning without being overbearing about it. She wants to know because she's worried about me, not because she wants to gossip.
"Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing here, Kirb. I
just know it's time to let go of my fears and take a chance. Kane's been very ... blunt with his feelings so far." Ha, blunt. That's one way of putting it.
We both stop talking when the intern--Zander--from earlier comes over to collect the chairs Kane and I had been sitting in. He mentions that everyone is still finishing lunch, but filming will be starting at the end of the hour.
"Willow?" Kirby asks when Zander walks away.
"Yeah?"
"Promise me something, okay?"
I nod.
"Be honest with him. Open up to him and let him know what's going on in your head. Don't close yourself off. I know you have your reasons for that, but you've come so far that I want you to know you're not alone. I'm here. Eddie is just a call away. And Kane, well, you won't know if you don't try, but he could be one of those people too."
My throat feels thick with emotion. I squeeze my hands together, balling both hands into a fist for a few moments before taking a cleansing breath. Kirby knows me better than most, so it shouldn't surprise me that she has just the right words when I need them the most.
"It scares the ever-loving crap out of me, Kirb, but I promise I'm not going to close myself off to this. It might not happen right away, but I can do baby steps."
She smiles, nodding her head in agreement. "Baby steps are good, but if what I witnessed yesterday is any indication, Kane might be ready to sprint and skip those little baby steps altogether. Damn, Willow, but those were some intense vibes you two had sparked all over the place. Just make sure, when you talk to him, that you let him know you need to learn to walk before you can run. You know what I mean?"
Just thinking about sprinting with Kane makes my heart pick up speed. Not in fear of him. Well, maybe a little of that. He makes me feel things I've never experienced before and only after a few days of really knowing each other. You add in those kisses, and I'm way beyond anything I've ever experienced.
The way he makes me feel ... I know that when things progress past a few steamy kisses, I might not be able to let him in all the way. Thinking about Kane--every sinfully flawless inch of Kane--seeing me--every flawed inch of me--intimately might be the hardest chip to knock off my shield of self-preservation.
Am I ready to be intimate with someone again? Brad was my first, and last, lover. Being intimate with him was never an enjoyable experience. It was always about him. Instead of giving me heated words meant for pleasure, his always meant to hurt.
Will I be able to be with Kane without letting those memories get the best of me?
"Jeez, Kirby, if I wasn't a ball of nerves already, you have successfully planted the thought in my mind that makes me turn into a supernova of anxieties."
She laughs. "Well, I have an easy cure for that."
Judging by her expression, I'm not sure why I ask, but I do. "That being?"
"Just think about how big his cock is. I mean, really Wills, have you seen his shoes?"
My mouth drops, and I turn to her in shock. She did not just say that. Here. Anyone could have overheard her. Kane could have heard her. Oh crap, here he comes.
"Hey, Kirby. Settling in just fine, I see. Alessandra looked flawless during her last takes. Even I had a hard time remembering she was just staged to look beaten."
Kirby responds, but me? My eyes are locked on Kane's leather clad feet.
Good. God.
"WILLOW?" KANE CALLS OUT ACROSS the parking lot that separates the school's main building from the makeshift camp of trailers set around the front parking area.
I had been making my way to Kirby's trailer to grab her small kit so she could touch up some of the shine on the actors behind the camera for the final shot of the day. She had run out of powder during the last take, and unfortunately, Grant left their backup kit behind.
"Yeah?" I ask, turning from the door of the makeup trailer. "Aren't you supposed to be directing, Mr. Masters?" I smart.
He jogs over and smiles down at me. Even standing two steps off the ground, he's still taller than I am. "That's the beauty of being in charge. I call the shots."
Hmm. His tone makes me think we aren't just talking about things on set. Going for broke, I ask, "Do you have an affliction for being in charge in all aspects?"
His eyes crinkle, and his smile widens. "Oh, Willow, I think you'll find that I can be flexible when needed, but if I remember correctly, you enjoy when I call the shots."
To anyone walking by, one would think we were just discussing the day's filming, but I know exactly to what he's eluding. I give him a small smile even though I can feel my cheeks heat as a blush warms my skin. "Perhaps."
He laughs, the low and gritty rumble vibrating from his chest. "We're almost done today," he states.
"That we are. It's been a long day. I'm sure you're tired."
He steps closer, up one step so our bodies almost touch. One hand comes up to whisper against my cheek. "Have dinner with me?"
"Dinner? It's almost nine o'clock at night, Kane."
"Okay. Look, I'll be honest here, the meal is an excuse, but I would love to show you around the rest of the filming locations we have set up for the week. I asked catering to have something light prepared for us, and I figured we could enjoy a glass of wine and some conversation before you head back to the house for the night."
"We have an early day tomorrow, Kane."
He leans in, smile widening. "I know--I believe I was the one who handed you tomorrow's call sheet requests to hand out."
"Wine and conversation?"
He nods. "I just want to get to know you better, Willow. Today was a heavy day of emotional filming, and I can tell it affected you. It will be nice to relax and have someone to talk about the film with who seems to get how important this is to me."
"All right, Mr. Director. You call the shots." I laugh. "Wine and conversation sounds good to me." It actually sounds terrifying considering my earlier promise to Kirby to let him in, but I can't deny the buzz of excitement I feel at the thought of spending some time with him one on one.
"It's a date," he utters, leaning down and placing a light caress against my lips with his own.
When he turns and walks back toward the building, my hand comes up to press against my lips. "A date," I whisper against my fingers. "Holy crap."
The rest of filming went by in a blur. I could hardly focus on the actors, Alessandra and Logan--Allison and Mark--as they filmed one of the final scenes of the whole movie. It was weird, seeing things filmed in weird orders, but Kane had told me earlier in the day that it was just the way things were done in order to best utilize the time they had. Because the school was only available to them for the week, they had to break things up and film all the scenes that would take place at the school location in one sweep of well-planned filming.
You would never know that what we were witnessing wasn't real life. Alessandra and Logan were brilliantly talented, their chemistry off the charts, but bottom line--their performances were breathtakingly beautiful.
Kirby left shortly after Kane had wrapped filming for the day. She gave me a wink across the room as her and Grant packed up their gear and headed to the trailer to clean up and prepare for the morning. I had told her when I returned from grabbing her stuff earlier that Kane would be taking me home later. She didn't ask questions, just gave me a smile and continued to powder the nose of one of the extras.
Now, I'm waiting in Kane's trailer for him to make sure the rest of the crew closes the set before heading off. I take a hearty gulp from the glass of wine Kane poured me before walking out the door ten minutes earlier with the promise of returning quickly.
Fortitude of strength in the form of liquid courage.
I reach out to the bottle of wine chilling on the table and refill my already empty glass. Looking around, I notice how homey it looks for being his temporary home away from home.
It's not large, but it's inviting. There's a small kitchen area; however, after peeking in the fridge, it's clear he's never used it. Behind the kitchen
is a doorway that leads into a bedroom. I looked, but quickly closed the door when I saw some of his shoes neatly lined in the corner. All of Kirby's earlier comments came rushing back. I slammed the door so hard that I startled myself when the noise rang out around me. The other side is a worn couch and television set up. And the middle of the room, where I've determined is the safest spot to be, holds a small four-person table and chairs.
Middle ground. Away from the bed ... and those shoes. Not on the couch where things would feel a little too intimate for me. Safe.
Ugh. There's that word again. I'm starting to hate that word.
I look over at the couch again. It would be safer than the bed, but not something I would have picked because it wasn't the stupid safe choice.
Screw it.
Grabbing the bucket holding the wine and ice in one hand and my glass in the other, I walk over to the couch and place the bucket on the coffee table. Then I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to find a position I can feel good about. When I relax and lean back, I feel like my pants are too tight and my gut has some sort of neon sign saying 'hey, look at me.' Scooting to the edge makes me look about as nervous as I feel.
Dang it.
Finally, after draining my second glass, I settle on the couch and make a mental note to keep my back straight so my pants don't get so tight around my middle.
I was just about to reach out and refill my glass--again--when the door clicks and Kane climbs in. His eyes roam from the kitchen to the table, and when he sees that I'm settled on the couch, his eyes go soft. Clearly, he thought I would have picked the table too.
"Get started without me?" he asks with a nod to the bottle in my hand.
"Hey, you're the one who poured the first glass," I tell him, a little too loudly, and then--to my horror-- I giggle.
Giggle.
I don't giggle.
He shakes his head, and his smile grows slightly.
"You make me feel so weird." Uh. Hello? Filter ... did you decide to just take a hike and leave me?
He laughs softly but doesn't move toward me.
"Like really weird."
"Good weird?" he questions, that darn smile not dimming at all.