Dedication
For Liz,
in memory of Tony
Contents
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Prologue
A teenage girl steps out of the bathroom, clutching her blouse tight at the collar where the buttons are missing, walks across the grimy carpet, and slips her feet into her flip-flops. The man sits on the end of the bed pulling on his shoes, snaps the clasp on his watchband, pushes back his thinning hair. The girl stands, staring at him.
The man doesn’t speak.
“Uh,” she says in a whisper. “Can you help me get back to my car?”
“Sorry, darlin’,” he says. “By the way, what’s your name? Who do I ask for?”
“I’m Star,” she says.
He smiles. “Star. Where’s your young friend, Star?”
She shrugs.
“I’d like to help,” he says, glancing around the room, “but I’ve, uh, gotta run.” He picks his sport jacket off the floor, shakes it, puts it on. With his hand on the door knob he turns. “That was nice,” he says. “I’m, uh, sure someone will take you to your car.”
The door closes behind him and the girl drops to her knees, face in hands, gasping for breath. When she’s under control she grabs her purse and steps outside, squinting into the sun high in the sky. A familiar car pulls to a stop in the street and she hurries to get in.
.1
Near midnight Paulie Bomb pulls his VW Beetle onto the shoulder of Ridgeview Drive and kills the engine. He’s just finished his shift at The Rocket Bakery and Coffee House, where Hannah kept him company for the last hour. He releases the seat back a couple of inches and breathes deep, staring over the blanket of city lights below.
“You’re bringing me here to park?” Hannah says, laughing. “This is a Beetle. I’m used to better accommodations.”
“I need . . .”
“What?”
“. . . to talk.”
“Right here,” she says, leaning over to kiss him. “World’s best listener.”
The kiss is long and hot and causes him to hesitate. “I gotta be sure we’re goin’ farther.”
Hannah smiles, slides her hand up his thigh. “Why wouldn’t we? Everything—”
“I cheated.” He closes his eyes tight.
Her hand comes off his leg. “You’d better be talking about the chem test.”
“I wish I was. Let me explain . . .”
Hannah presses her back against the passenger door. “Did you put your dick in someone who wasn’t me?”
“Hannah, Jesus, yes. But—”
“Then there’s nothing to say. Take me home.”
“Will you just—”
“Don’t say another word. Start the car and take me home, in fucking silence, or I’m walking.”
Paulie starts to say something but Hannah reaches behind her for the door handle. He starts the car. So much for the world’s best listener.
Paulie crests the knoll on the old highway leading to the landing dock on the city side of Diamond Lake. He cuts the engine and coasts to a stop, then sits, staring at the perfect upside-down early morning twin of Smalley’s Peak in the glass-still water. It’s late March—still cool in the Pacific Northwest—first outdoor workout of the year; the water will be cold, probably mid-fifties. If he doesn’t lose feeling in his fingers and toes, he’ll coax Logs out here this afternoon. Bruce Logsdon teaches science and social studies at Heller High, runs Period 8 at lunchtime, and swims open water with Paulie Bomb—Paul Baum. Logs requires Paulie to test the water temperature early each spring before immersing his own body.
Paulie pops the trunk lock and hauls out his triathlete’s wetsuit. At least his nuts will be warm. Like that will ever matter again. Oh, Hannah.
He hits the water, involuntarily sucking air as the cold leaks in. The colder the better. He deserves this. Even so, he pees in self-defense, his only means to counter the ice-watery fingers creeping around his ribcage and into his crotch. He swims away from shore for about a hundred yards as his body heat warms the water inside the suit. He turns parallel to the shore and strokes, finding a cadence he can hold over the next two hours. He knows how to play games to allay the monotony; fifty strokes hard, fifty strokes easy; a hundred strokes hard, fifty easy; a hundred-fifty hard, fifty easy, and on and on. An hour up and an hour back. He has taught himself to breathe on either side in order to keep the shore in sight and swim a relatively straight line. On this morning, working on zero sleep, he holds an even pace; no intervals. Just his sweet, sweet Hannah wedged in his frontal lobe. His gone Hannah.
Paulie Bomb could have any girl at Heller High, according to most of his buddies. He’s tall and built like an athletic machine. None of his features are classic, but his slightly crooked nose, shaggy brown hair, and dark watery eyes fetch him more between-class approaches than his friends can stand. He hears, “She wants to have your babies,” in his ear at least twice daily. Most often from Justin Chenier.
But then came Hannah.
Paulie raps lightly on the door to room 137, Homestead Studio Suites, an extended-stay hotel less than a mile from his house.
The door opens on a man in his early forties dressed in khakis, an open collared blue gingham shirt, and Birkenstocks. “Hey, Dad,” Paulie says. “We still on for breakfast?”
“Indeed we are,” Roger Baum says. “How much time you got?”
“Much as we want,” Paulie says. “My first two periods are free this morning.”
“I should have gone to your high school,” his dad says. “Let me get my jacket and in five minutes we’ll be knee-deep in pancakes.”
“How long before you’re back home?” Paulie asks as they slide into a booth at the IHOP across the street.
“Shouldn’t be long,” his father says. “Your mother and I have been talking. We had dinner last night.”
“She seems pretty determined this time.”
“You must have talked to her before we had dinner,” his father says. “She’s coming around.”
The waitress brings the “bottomless” pot of coffee and takes their orders: a sausage and cheese omelet with hash browns, wheat toast, and juice for Paulie, pigs-in-a-blanket for his dad.
“Man, Dad, don’t you get tired of it?” Paulie asks, as she leaves to put in the order.
Roger Baum closes his eyes, shakes his head slowly. “I do get tired. Things just . . . you know way too much. You shouldn’t be dealing with this.”
“Right,” Paulie says, “but I do, like, every time.”
“Your mom should keep this between me and her.”
“Come on, Dad, what’s she supposed to say when you’re home one night and packing your stuff the next? It’s not like she complains to me. When things are shitty it’s obvious.”
“I guess,” his dad says. “I just don’t like you having to deal with it.”
Only way that’s going to happen is if you stop doing it. Paulie sits back. This conversation ends the same every time. “I have personal reasons for asking, Dad. Why do you do it?”
His dad sighs. “I don’t need the judgment, Paulie. I’ll talk, but you don’t bring the guilt.”
If you’re feeling guilty, it’s not ’cause I’m bringing it. “Fair enough.”
They spare the waitress as she places their breakfasts in front of them.
“Part of it is the job,” his father says when she walks away. “The stress of it, the high, and then the boredom. The call comes and you’re in the truck, lights flashing and siren wailing, weaving in and out of traffic, then you’re scrambling to save somebody’s life or get them to emergency where somebody else can. You do all you can and then bam! It’s over. You either did it or not.
“Then you go for a couple of beers, which turns into a half rack, feeling like a hero, or at least a near-hero.” He looks away. “Sometimes inventing glory that never was, and if your partner is female, things get . . . well. You get to thinking you’re the only ones who understand. Next thing you know . . .”
Paulie says, “Wait.”
“You promised not to judge.”
Paulie throws up his hands. “No judgment, but that was this time. Time before it was that lady at the fitness place and unless I missed the newsflash, it wasn’t on fire. . . .”
Paulie’s dad leans forward, elbows on the table. “You’re right. Bullshit excuse. It’s . . . character for lack of a better word. Sometimes it feels like it’s in my DNA.”
“This is the part I want to know.”
“I was twenty-three when your mother and I got married,” Paulie’s dad says. “You know the story. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to get your mother interested. We broke up for a short while when we were seniors and I swore if I ever got her back, I’d never chance losing her again.”
“Why’d you break up that first time?” Paulie asks.
His dad’s eyes close.
“That’s what I thought. How’d it happen?”
“I was the cool jock and this girl your mom hated—her name was Charlotte Weaver—was moving in on me. Your mom was out of town and Charlotte stopped over to see if I wanted to do something.”
“And the something was her,” Paulie said.
“The something was her. I felt bad afterward—scared—but I thought I got away with it. I mean, back of a car, no witnesses.”
“You tell on yourself?” Paulie asks. DNA couldn’t be that strong.
His dad frowns. “Hell no, I didn’t tell on myself. Charlotte went public. Sneaky. Told one of her friends she knew couldn’t keep her mouth shut. That was the whole point of snagging me. I was just a dumb jock who didn’t see it coming. Sex gives girls power sometimes. You have to watch out for that.”
“Sex gives boys power sometimes too, Dad.” Paulie takes a big bite of his omelet. “So after that Mom didn’t see the writing on the wall? How’d you guys get back together?”
“Man, I begged. I crawled. It was the last time it would ever happen. If she’d give me one more chance I’d make it up to her. Now I knew what I had to lose.”
“How’d that go?”
“Pretty well, actually. We were married ten years before it happened again.”
“Then the stress and boredom?” A hint of sarcasm. “Okay, okay, no judgment.”
Paulie’s dad pours them each a refill. “Naw, Paulie, you’re right, stress and boredom is bullshit. Like I said, I was twenty-three and I made a promise in front of a preacher and your grandparents and a whole bunch of our friends that I had no idea I couldn’t keep. In my defense, I shouldn’t have had to make that promise; nobody should. Nobody tells you when you’re your age that you’ll likely be a different guy when you’re thirty and a different guy from that when you’re forty-five. I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking worldview. I’m talking experience.”
“One thing I wish,” Paulie says.
“What’s that?”
“That next time you’ll just go.”
“And stay gone?”
“There wouldn’t be any ‘child of divorce’ BS or anything close. I love both you guys. But I hate you when you come back and I hate her for letting you back, just because I don’t want to relive it the next time. Maybe it’s selfish, but you guys just end up looking weak, and I gotta tell you, I’d a lot rather have divorced parents than weak parents.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“’Cause I’ve been too chicken to tell you,” Paulie says. “Did you know last year when I was running for student body president, Arney used your and Mom’s relationship against me?”
“What?”
“Yeah. You know, could people trust me. All that bullshit about how far the apple falls from the tree.”
“That son of a bitch,” his dad says. “Why didn’t you kick his ass?”
“I mentioned that possibility to him. He claimed one of his ‘strategists’ made the signs without telling him.”
“God, Paulie, I’m sorry . . .”
“Actually,” Paulie says, “it’s about the only time it worked in my favor. Last thing in the world I needed was to be student body president. I was just showing off.”
“I never liked that kid. He’s such a—”
“He’s just Arney,” Paulie says. “Wants to grow up to be a politician. He was doing what the big boys do. C’mon, let’s get out of here. Gotta at least make an appearance at school.”
His father grabs the tab. “You do know,” he says, “that you look like shit.”
“What are you doing here?” Logs stands in his classroom doorway and pinches the back of Paulie’s neck.
“Bathroom break.”
“Does my classroom look like the can?”
Paulie frowns and smiles. “Don’t make it so easy, man.”
Logs glances at his watch. “Ten minutes to Period 8. What class are you scamming?”
“Calc.”
“Unless you drop your pants and squat, or otherwise prove you think my classroom is the crapper, you’re gonna get me in trouble standing here in the hall.”
“No trouble,” Paulie says. “Jus and I know that stuff better than Mr. Ridge. When I asked to go to the can I thought he was going to send Justin with me.” He nods toward the door. “We can go in if it makes you feel better.”
Logs laughs. “You’re right,” he says, “no trouble. My last year. They threaten to fire me, I take the rest of it in sick time. I’ve got more than three years’ worth stacked up.”
Paulie stares down the deserted hall. “Man, why aren’t you taking it?”
“And miss the opportunity to harass you and your posse right up to the last day? I think not.” Logs motions him inside the classroom. “Hey, you don’t know anything about Mary Wells, do you? She hasn’t been in P-8 for nearly a week.”
Paulie looks out the window, focuses on a tree squirrel. “She hasn’t been in government either,” he says.
“Perfect attendance for four years,” Logs says. “It’s unusual. I’ll check with the office.” He straightens papers on his desk. “So, how was the water this morning? How long ’til it’s warm enough for my wrinkled butt?”
Paulie smiles. “It came seepin’ into my suit, my testes headed for my heart. I don’t expect them back until maybe the Fourth.”
“I remember the days when I could tolerate that.” Logs laughs. “Back when I needed ’em anyway.”
“You are dangerously close to TMI,” Paulie says, and hesitates. “Actually, I might be in that boat myself, for a different reason.” He shakes his head slowly, hoisting himself onto a desktop. “Man, Mr. Logs, I messed up big time.”
Logs watches Paulie’s eyes cloud over. “Spill it, young ’un. The doctor is in.”
“How’d she find out?” Logs asks after hearing Paulie’s story.
“I told her.”
“Did the girl—and I appreciate your not revealing her identity, speaking of Too Much Information—did she threaten to tell?”
“God no,” Paulie says. “She begged me not to.”
“Did somebody catch you?”
“No.”
“Then why . . . how can I put this? It’s not exactly stan
dard operating procedure for a young buck such as yourself to cheat, get away clean, then rat yourself out. I mean, don’t get me wrong . . . Jesus, I’m glad this is my last year.”
“You think I should have kept quiet?”
“Advice of this particular nature is way above my pay grade,” Logs says. “I’m just saying that in my experience working with kids . . . hell, in my experience being a kid . . . well, like I started to say, a jury of your peers might deem you short on survival skills.”
“That’s who I want passing judgment on me,” Paulie says back. “My peers.”
“I’m just saying. . . .”
“I know. Tell me something, Mr. Logs—if I had come to you before I told her, what woulda been your advice?”
Logs leans back in his chair, hands knitted behind his head. “I would have done any and everything in my power not to give it.”
“How come?”
Logs shrugs. “To avoid hypocrisy, I guess.”
Paulie frowns.
“You know, buddy, there’s this unspoken teacher’s code thing where I’m supposed to give you ‘moral’ advice.” He glances at his watch. “But it’s too close to P-8 and too close to my retirement for that. Look, I don’t know the circumstances under which you committed this heinous act, and I’ll thank you to keep it that way, but I’m rushing headlong into the age of mandatory Medicare. I went on my first date at age nine, took Amy Velar to the Shrine Circus. I knew more about male-female interaction then.”
“You’re gonna have to do better than that if you want to be my guru,” Paulie says.
“If I were your guru, I’d have to share responsibility for the crazy shit you do. I have enough crazy shit of my own, thank you.”
Paulie runs his hands through his hair, his gaze drifting to the ceiling.
“Kidding aside,” Logs says. “There’s not a good reason to lie to people we care about. And we should honor our commitments. In a perfect world, right? I’m assuming you and Hannah were exclusive.”
Paulie nods.
“So if you had come to me beforehand I probably should have told you to tell her, but I probably would have asked if you thought it might happen again or if you believed you could reign in those impulses from now on.” He grimaces. “It’s likely I would have told you to give yourself another chance. Most guys would.”