Chapter VII
Scandalum magnatum clearly proved--I prove to the captain that Iconsider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and Iprove to the midshipmen that I am a gentleman myself--They prove theirgratitude by practising upon me, because practice makes perfect.
The captain came on board about twelve o'clock, and ordered thedischarge of Mr Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenanthad reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen onthe quarter-deck.
"Gentlemen," said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, "I feelvery much indebted to some of you for the character which you have beenpleased to give of me to Mr Simple. I must now request that you willanswer a few questions which I am about to put in his presence. Did Iever flog the whole starboard watch because the ship would only sailnine knots on a bowline?"
"No, sir, no!" replied they all, very much frightened.
"Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weeklyaccounts pipe-clayed; or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watchribbon?"
"No, sir," replied they all together.
"Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue?"
They again replied in the negative.
"Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thoughtproper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room; and further,which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel?"
They were all silent.
"Will you answer me, gentlemen?"
"With respect to the duel, sir," replied the midshipman who had foughtme, "I _heard_ say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. Itwas a joke."
"Well, sir, we'll allow that the duel was only a joke, (and I hope andtrust that your report is correct); is the reputation of your captainonly a joke, allow me to ask? I request to know who of you dared topropagate such injurious slander?" (Here there was a dead pause.) "Well,then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must refer tomy authority. Mr Simple, have the goodness to point out the person orpersons who gave you the information."
But I thought this would not be fair; and as they had all treated mevery kindly after the duel, I resolved not to tell; so I answered, "Ifyou please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence."
"Confidence, sir!" replied the captain; "who ever heard of confidencebetween a post-captain and a midshipman?"
"No, sir," replied I, "not between a post-captain and a midshipman, butbetween two gentlemen."
The first lieutenant, who stood by the captain, put his hand before hisface to hide a laugh. "He may be a fool, sir," observed he to thecaptain, aside; "but I can assure you he is a very straight, forwardone."
The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, "Youmay thank Mr Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter further.I do believe that you were not serious when you calumniated me; butrecollect, that what is said in joke is too often repeated in earnest. Itrust that Mr Simple's conduct will have its effect, and that you leaveoff practising upon him, who has saved you from a very severepunishment."
When the midshipmen went down below, they all shook hands with me, andsaid that I was a good fellow for not peaching; but, as for the adviceof the captain that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it,they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never leftoff until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer.
I had not been ten minutes in the berth, before they began their remarksupon me. One said that I looked like a hardy fellow, and asked mewhether I could not bear a great deal of sleep.
I replied that I could, I dare say, if it was necessary for the good ofthe service; at which they laughed, and I supposed that I had said agood thing.
"Why here's Tomkins," said the midshipman; "he'll show you how toperform that part of your duty. He inherits it from his father, who wasa marine officer. He can snore for fourteen hours on a stretch withoutonce turning round in his hammock, and finish his nap on the chestduring the whole of the day, except meal-times."
But Tomkins defended himself, by saying, that "some people were veryquick in doing things, and others were very slow; that he was one of theslow ones, and that he did not in reality obtain more refreshment fromhis long naps than other people did in short ones, because he slept muchslower than they did."
This ingenious argument was, however, overruled _nem. con._, as it wasproved that he ate pudding faster than any one in the mess.
The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into themidshipman's berth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I wasdisappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not,declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cutthem off with a shilling; and those who had letters, after they had readthem, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half-price. Icould not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them; but theydid do so; and one that was full of good advice was sold three times,from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of themorals of my companions. The lowest-priced letters sold, were thosewritten by sisters. I was offered one for a penny, but I declinedbuying, as I had plenty of sisters of my own. Directly I made thatobservation, they immediately inquired all their names and ages, andwhether they were pretty or not. When I had informed them, theyquarrelled to whom they should belong. One would have Lucy, and anothertook Mary; but there was a great dispute about Ellen, as I had said thatshe was the prettiest of the whole. At last they agreed to put her up toauction, and she was knocked down to a master's mate of the name ofO'Brien, who bid seventeen shillings and a bottle of rum. They requestedthat I would write home to give their love to my sisters, and tell themhow they had been disposed of, which I thought very strange; but I oughtto have been flattered at the price bid for Ellen, as I repeatedly havesince been witness to a very pretty sister being sold for a glass ofgrog.
I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz., becauseI wanted to buy my dirk and cocked hat; upon which they told me thatthere was no occasion for my spending my money, as, by the regulationsof the service, the purser's steward served them out to all the officerswho applied for them. As I knew where the purser's steward's room was,having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went downimmediately. "Mr Purser's Steward," said I, "let me have a cocked hatand a dirk immediately."
"Very good, sir," replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip ofpaper, which he handed to me. "There is the order for it, sir; but thecocked hats are kept in the chest up in the main-top; and as for thedirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge."
I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk;so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep-penwith the sheep, mending his trousers. In reply to my demand, he told methat he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge ofone of the corporals of marines.
I inquired who, and he said, "Cheeks [1] the marine."
I went everywhere about the ship, inquiring for Cheeks the marine, butcould not find him. Some said that they believed he was in the fore-top,standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change; others, that hewas in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their biscuitin the captain's dripping-pan. At last, I inquired of some of the womenwho were standing between the guns on the main-deck, and one of themanswered that it was no use looking for him among them, as they all hadhusbands, and Cheeks was a _widows man._[2]
As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for mycocked hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much like going up therigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell overboardI could not swim; but one of the midshipmen offered to accompany me,stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of sinking tothe bottom, as if I was giddy, my head, at all events, _would swim_; soI determined to venture. I climbed up very near to the main-top, but notwithout missing the little ropes very ofte
n, and grazing the skin of myshins. Then I came to large ropes stretched out from the mast, so thatyou must climb them with your head backwards. The midshipman told methese were called the cat-harpings, because they were so difficult toclimb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to go out by them. I wasafraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go throughlubber's hole, which he said had been made for people like me. I agreedto attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived, quite outof breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top.
The captain of the main-top was there with two other sailors. Themidshipman introduced me very politely:--"Mr Jenkins--Mr Simple,midshipman,--Mr Simple, Mr Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr Jenkins,Mr Simple has come up with an order for a cocked hat." The captain ofthe top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in store, butthe last had been served out to the captain's monkey. This was veryprovoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready with my_footing_.
I replied, "Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when comingup." He laughed and replied, that I should lose it altogether before Iwent down; and that I must _hand_ it out. "_Hand_ out my _footing_!"said I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman; "what does he mean?""He means that you must fork out a seven-shilling bit." I was just aswise as ever, and stared very much; when Mr Jenkins desired the othermen to get half a dozen _foxes_ and make a _spread eagle_ of me, unlesshe had his parkisite. I never should have found out what it all meant,had not the midshipman, who laughed till he cried, at last informed methat it was the custom to give the men something to drink the first timethat I came aloft, and that if I did not, they would tie me up to therigging.
Having no money in my pocket, I promised to pay them as soon as I wentbelow; but Mr Jenkins would not trust me. I then became very angry, andinquired of him "if he doubted my honour." He replied, "Not in theleast, but that he must have the seven shillings before I went below.""Why, sir," said I, "do you know whom you are speaking to? I am anofficer and a gentleman. Do you know who my grandfather is?"
"O yes," replied he, "very well."
"Then, who is he, sir?" replied I very angrily.
"Who is he! why he's the _Lord knows who_."
"No," replied I, "that's not his name; he is Lord Privilege." (I wasvery much surprised that he knew that my grandfather was a lord.) "Anddo you suppose," continued I, "that I would forfeit the honour of myfamily for a paltry seven shillings?"
This observation of mine, and a promise on the part of the midshipman,who said he would be bail for me, satisfied Mr Jenkins, and he allowedme to go down the rigging. I went to my chest, and paid the sevenshillings to one of the top-men who followed me, and then went up on themain-deck, to learn as much as I could of my profession. I asked a greatmany questions of the midshipmen relative to the guns, and they crowdedround me to answer them. One told me they were called the frigate's_teeth_, because they stopped the Frenchman's _jaw._ Another midshipmansaid that he had been so often in action, that he was called the_Fire-eater_. I asked him how it was that he escaped being killed. Hereplied that he always made it a rule, upon the first cannon-ball comingthrough the ship's side, to put his head into the hole which it hadmade; as, by a calculation made by Professor Innman, the odds were32,647, and some decimals to boot, that another ball would not come inat the same hole. That's what I never should have thought of.
FOOTNOTES:[1] This celebrated personage is the prototype of Mr Nobody on board ofa man-of-war.
[B] Widows' men are imaginary sailors, borne on the books, and receivingpay and prize-money, which is appropriated to Greenwich Hospital.