CHAPTER XXXIV
Degenerate youth, and not of Tydeus' kind, Whose little body lodged a mighty mind. --ILIAD.
Left quiet at least, if not alone, for the first time after the eventsof this troubled and varied day, Julian threw himself on an old oakenseat, beside the embers of a sea-coal fire, and began to muse on themiserable situation of anxiety and danger in which he was placed;where, whether he contemplated the interests of his love, his familyaffections, or his friendships, all seemed such a prospect as that of asailor who looks upon breakers on every hand, from the deck of a vesselwhich no longer obeys the helm.
As Peveril sat sunk in despondency, his companion in misfortune drew achair to the opposite side of the chimney-corner, and began to gaze athim with a sort of solemn earnestness, which at length compelled him,though almost in spite of himself, to pay some attention to the singularfigure who seemed so much engrossed with contemplating him.
Geoffrey Hudson (we drop occasionally the title of knighthood, whichthe King had bestowed on him in a frolic, but which might introducesome confusion into our history), although a dwarf of the least possiblesize, had nothing positively ugly in his countenance, or actuallydistorted in his limbs. His head, hands, and feet were indeed large,and disproportioned to the height of his body, and his body itself muchthicker than was consistent with symmetry, but in a degree which wasrather ludicrous than disagreeable to look upon. His countenance, inparticular, had he been a little taller, would have been accounted, inyouth, handsome, and now, in age, striking and expressive; it was butthe uncommon disproportion betwixt the head and the trunk which made thefeatures seem whimsical and bizarre--an effect which was considerablyincreased by the dwarf's moustaches, which it was his pleasure to wearso large, that they almost twisted back amongst, and mingled with, hisgrizzled hair.
The dress of this singular wight announced that he was not entirely freefrom the unhappy taste which frequently induces those whom nature hasmarked by personal deformity, to distinguish, and at the same time torender themselves ridiculous, by the use of showy colours, and garmentsfantastically and extraordinarily fashioned. But poor Geoffrey Hudson'slaces, embroideries, and the rest of his finery, were sorely worn andtarnished by the time which he had spent in jail, under the vague andmalicious accusation that he was somehow or other an accomplice inthis all-involving, all-devouring whirlpool of a Popish conspiracy--animpeachment which, if pronounced by a mouth the foulest and mostmalicious, was at that time sufficiently predominant to sully thefairest reputation. It will presently appear, that in the poor man'smanner of thinking, and tone of conversation, there was somethinganalogous to his absurd fashion of apparel; for, as in the latter, goodstuff and valuable decorations were rendered ludicrous by the fantasticfashion in which they were made up; so, such glimmerings of good senseand honourable feeling as the little man often evinced, were maderidiculous by a restless desire to assume certain airs of importance,and a great jealousy of being despised, on account of the peculiarity ofhis outward form.
After the fellow-prisoners had looked at each other for some time insilence, the dwarf, conscious of his dignity as first owner of theirjoint apartment, thought it necessary to do the honours of it to thenew-comer. "Sir," he said, modifying the alternate harsh and squeakingtones of his voice into accents as harmonious as they could attain,"I understand you to be the son of my worthy namesake, and ancientacquaintance, the stout Sir Geoffrey Peveril of the Peak. I promise you,I have seen your father where blows have been going more plenty thangold pieces; and for a tall heavy man, who lacked, as we martialiststhought, some of the lightness and activity of our more slightly madeCavaliers, he performed his duty as a man might desire. I am happy tosee you, his son; and, though by a mistake, I am glad we are to sharethis comfortless cabin together."
Julian bowed, and thanked his courtesy; and Geoffrey Hudson, havingbroken the ice, preceded to question him without further ceremony. "Youare no courtier, I presume, young gentleman?"
Julian replied in the negative.
"I thought so," continued the dwarf; "for although I have now noofficial duty at Court, the region in which my early years were spent,and where I once held a considerable office, yet I still, when I had myliberty, visited the Presence from time to time, as in duty bound forformer service; and am wont, from old habit, to take some note of thecourtly gallants, those choice spirits of the age, among whom I wasonce enrolled. You are, not to compliment you, a marked figure, MasterPeveril--though something of the tallest, as was your father's case; Ithink, I could scarce have seen you anywhere without remembering you."
Peveril thought he might, with great justice, have returned thecompliment, but contented himself with saying, "he had scarce seen theBritish Court."
"Tis pity," said Hudson; "a gallant can hardly be formed withoutfrequenting it. But you have been perhaps in a rougher school; you haveserved, doubtless?"
"My Maker, I hope," said Julian.
"Fie on it, you mistake. I meant," said Hudson, "_a la Francois_,--youhave served in the army?"
"No. I have not yet had that honour," said Julian.
"What! neither courtier nor soldier, Master Peveril?" said the importantlittle man: "your father is to blame. By cock and pie he is, MasterPeveril! How shall a man be known, or distinguished, unless by hisbearing in peace and war? I tell you, sir, that at Newberry, where Icharged with my troop abreast with Prince Rupert, and when, as you mayhave heard, we were both beaten off by those cuckoldly hinds the TrainedBands of London,--we did what men could; and I think it was a matter ofthree or four minutes after most of our gentlemen had been driven off,that his Highness and I continued to cut at their long pikes withour swords; and I think might have broken in, but that I had a tall,long-legged brute of a horse, and my sword was somewhat short,--in fine,at last we were obliged to make volte-face, and then, as I was going tosay, the fellows were so glad to get rid of us, that they set up a greatjubilee cry of 'There goes Prince Robin and Cock Robin!'--Ay, ay, everyscoundrel among them knew me well. But those days are over.--And wherewere you educated, young gentleman?"
Peveril named the household of the Countess of Derby.
"A most honourable lady, upon my word as a gentleman," said Hudson.--"Iknew the noble Countess well when I was about the person of my royalmistress, Henrietta Maria. She was then the very muster of all that wasnoble, loyal, and lovely. She was, indeed, one of the fifteen fair onesof the Court, whom I permitted to call me Piccoluomini--a foolish jeston my somewhat diminutive figure, which always distinguished me fromordinary beings, even when I was young--I have now lost much stature bystooping; but, always the ladies had their jest at me.--Perhaps, youngman, I had my own amends of some of them somewhere, and somehowor other--I _say_ nothing if I had or no; far less do I insinuatedisrespect to the noble Countess. She was daughter of the Duc de laTremouille, or, more correctly, des Thouars. But certainly to serve theladies, and condescend to their humours, even when somewhat too free, ortoo fantastic, is the true decorum of gentle blood."
Depressed as his spirits were, Peveril could scarce forbear smiling whenhe looked at the pigmy creature, who told these stories with infinitecomplacency, and appeared disposed to proclaim, as his own herald, thathe had been a very model of valour and gallantry, though love andarms seemed to be pursuits totally irreconcilable to his shrivelled,weather-beaten countenance, and wasted limbs. Julian was, however,so careful to avoid giving his companion pain, that he endeavouredto humour him, by saying, that, "unquestionably, one bred up likeSir Geoffrey Hudson, in court and camps, knew exactly when to sufferpersonal freedoms, and when to control them."
The little Knight, with great vivacity, though with some difficulty,began to drag his seat from the side of the fire opposite to that whereJulian was seated, and at length succeeded in bringing it near him, intoken of increasing cordiality.
"You say well, Master Peveril," said the dwarf; "and I have given proofsboth of bearing and fo
rbearing. Yes, sir, there was not that thing whichmy most royal mistress, Henrietta Maria, could have required of me, thatI would not have complied with, sir; I was her sworn servant, bothin war and in festival, in battle and pageant, sir. At her Majesty'sparticular request, I once condescended to become--ladies, you know,have strange fancies--to become the tenant, for a time, of the interiorof a pie."
"Of a pie?" said Julian, somewhat amazed.
"Yes, sir, of a pie. I hope you find nothing risible in mycomplaisance?" replied his companion, something jealously.
"Not I, sir," said Peveril; "I have other matters than laughter in myhead at present."
"So had I," said the dwarfish champion, "when I found myself imprisonedin a huge platter, of no ordinary dimensions you may be assured, since Icould lie at length in it, and when I was entombed, as it were, in wallsof standing crust, and a huge cover of pastry, the whole constitutinga sort of sarcophagus, of size enough to have recorded the epitaph ofa general officer or an archbishop on the lid. Sir, notwithstandingthe conveniences which were made to give me air, it was more like beingburied alive than aught else which I could think of."
"I conceive it, sir," said Julian.
"Moreover, sir," continued the dwarf, "there were few in the secret,which was contrived for the Queen's divertisement; for advancing ofwhich I would have crept into a filbert nut, had it been possible;and few, as I said, being private in the scheme, there was a risk ofaccidents. I doubted, while in my darksome abode, whether some awkwardattendant might not have let me fall, as I have seen happen to a venisonpasty; or whether some hungry guest might not anticipate the moment ofmy resurrection, by sticking his knife into my upper crust. And though Ihad my weapons about me, young man, as has been my custom in every caseof peril, yet, if such a rash person had plunged deep into the bowels ofthe supposed pasty, my sword and dagger could barely have served me toavenge, assuredly not to prevent, either of these catastrophes."
"Certainly I do so understand it," said Julian, who began, however, tofeel that the company of little Hudson, talkative as he showed himself,was likely rather to aggravate than to alleviate the inconveniences of aprison.
"Nay," continued the little man, enlarging on his former topic, "I hadother subjects of apprehension; for it pleased my Lord of Buckingham,his Grace's father who now bears the title, in his plenitude of Courtfavour, to command the pasty to be carried down to the office, andcommitted anew to the oven, alleging preposterously that it was betterto be eaten warm than cold."
"And did this, sir, not disturb your equanimity?" said Julian.
"My young friend," said Geoffrey Hudson, "I cannot deny it.--Naturewill claim her rights from the best and boldest of us.--I thoughtof Nebuchadnezzar and his fiery furnace; and I waxed warm withapprehension.--But, I thank Heaven, I also thought of my sworn duty tomy royal mistress; and was thereby obliged and enabled to resist alltemptations to make myself prematurely known. Nevertheless, the Duke--ifof malice, may Heaven forgive him--followed down into the officehimself, and urged the master-cook very hard that the pasty should beheated, were it but for five minutes. But the master-cook, being privyto the very different intentions of my royal mistress, did most manfullyresist the order; and I was again reconveyed in safety to the royaltable."
"And in due time liberated from your confinement, I doubt not?" saidPeveril.
"Yes, sir; that happy, and I may say, glorious moment, at lengtharrived," continued the dwarf. "The upper crust was removed--I startedup to the sound of trumpet and clarion, like the soul of a warriorwhen the last summons shall sound--or rather (if that simile be overaudacious), like a spell-bound champion relieved from his enchantedstate. It was then that, with my buckler on my arm, and my trusty Bilboain my hand, I executed a sort of warlike dance, in which my skill andagility then rendered me pre-eminent, displaying, at the same timemy postures, both of defence and offence, in a manner so totallyinimitable, that I was almost deafened with the applause of all aroundme, and half-drowned by the scented waters with which the ladies of theCourt deluged me from their casting bottles. I had amends of his Graceof Buckingham also; for as I tripped a hasty morris hither and thitherupon the dining-table, now offering my blade, now recovering it, Imade a blow at his nose--a sort of estramacon--the dexterity of whichconsists in coming mighty near to the object you seem to aim at, yet notattaining it. You may have seen a barber make such a flourish with hisrazor. I promise you his Grace sprung back a half-yard at least. He waspleased to threaten to brain me with a chicken-bone, as he disdainfullyexpressed it; but the King said, 'George, you have but a Rowland foran Oliver.' And so I tripped on, showing a bold heedlessness ofhis displeasure, which few dared to have done at that time, albeitcountenanced to the utmost like me by the smiles of the brave andthe fair. But, well-a-day! sir, youth, its fashions, its follies, itsfrolics, and all its pomp and pride, are as idle and transitory as thecrackling of thorns under a pot."
"The flower that is cast into the oven were a better simile," thoughtPeveril. "Good God, that a man should live to regret not being youngenough to be still treated as baked meat, and served up in a pie!"
His companion, whose tongue had for many days been as closely imprisonedas his person, seemed resolved to indemnify his loquacity, by continuingto indulge it on the present occasion at his companion's expense. Heproceeded, therefore, in a solemn tone, to moralise on the adventurewhich he had narrated.
"Young men will no doubt think one to be envied," he said, "who wasthus enabled to be the darling and admiration of the Court"--(Julianinternally stood self-exculpated from the suspicion)--"and yet it isbetter to possess fewer means of distinction, and remain free from thebackbiting, the slander, and the odium, which are always the shareof Court favour. Men who had no other cause, cast reflections upon mebecause my size varied somewhat from the common proportion; and jestswere sometimes unthinkingly passed upon me by those I was bound to, whodid not in that case, peradventure, sufficiently consider that the wrenis made by the same hand which formed the bustard, and that the diamond,though small in size, out-values ten thousand-fold the rude granite.Nevertheless, they proceeded in the vein of humour; and as I could notin duty or gratitude retort upon nobles and princes, I was compelledto cast about in my mind how to vindicate my honour towards those,who, being in the same rank with myself, as servants and courtiers,nevertheless bore themselves towards me as if they were of a superiorclass in the rank of honour, as well as in the accidental circumstanceof stature. And as a lesson to my own pride, and that of others, itso happened, that the pageant which I have but just narrated--which Ijustly reckon the most honourable moment of my life, excepting perhapsmy distinguished share in the battle of Round-way-down--became the causeof a most tragic event, in which I acknowledge the greatest misfortuneof my existence."
The dwarf here paused, fetched a sigh, big at once with regret, and withthe importance becoming the subject of a tragic history; then proceededas follows:--
"You would have thought in your simplicity, young gentleman, thatthe pretty pageant I have mentioned could only have been quoted to myadvantage, as a rare masking frolic, prettily devised, and not lessdeftly executed; and yet the malice of the courtiers, who maligned andenvied me, made them strain their wit, and exhaust their ingenuity, inputting false and ridiculous constructions upon it. In short, my earswere so much offended with allusions to pies, puff-paste, ovens, andthe like, that I was compelled to prohibit such subject of mirth, underpenalty of my instant and severe displeasure. But it happ'd there wasthen a gallant about the Court, a man of good quality, son to a knightbaronet, and in high esteem with the best in that sphere, also afamiliar friend of mine own, from whom, therefore, I had no reason toexpect any of that species of gibing which I had intimated my purposeto treat as offensive. Howbeit, it pleased the Honourable Mr. Crofts,so was this youth called and designed, one night, at the Groom Porter'sbeing full of wine and waggery, to introduce this threadbare subject,and to say something concerning a goose-pie, which I could not butconsider as levelled
at me. Nevertheless, I did but calmly and solidlypray him to choose a different subject; failing which, I let him know Ishould be sudden in my resentment. Notwithstanding, he continued in thesame tone, and even aggravated the offence, by speaking of a tomtit, andother unnecessary and obnoxious comparisons; whereupon I was compelledto send him a cartel, and we met accordingly. Now, as I really loved theyouth, it was my intention only to correct him by a flesh wound ortwo; and I would willingly that he had named the sword for his weapon.Nevertheless, he made pistols his election; and being on horseback, heproduced by way of his own weapon, a foolish engine, which children arewont, in their roguery, to use for spouting water; a--a--in short, Iforget the name."
"A squirt, doubtless," said Peveril, who began to recollect having heardsomething of this adventure.
"You are right," said the dwarf; "you have indeed the name of thelittle engine, of which I have had experience in passing the yards atWestminster.--Well, sir, this token of slight regard compelled me togive the gentleman such language, as soon rendered it necessary for himto make more serious arms. We fought on horseback--breaking ground, andadvancing by signal; and, as I never miss aim, I had the misadventure tokill the Honourable Master Crofts at the first shot. I would not wish myworst foe the pain which I felt, when I saw him reel on his saddle, andso fall down to the earth!--and, when I perceived that the life-bloodwas pouring fast, I could not but wish to Heaven that it had been my owninstead of his. Thus fell youth, hopes, and bravery, a sacrifice to asilly and thoughtless jest; yet, alas! wherein had I choice, seeing thathonour is, as it were, the very breath in our nostrils; and that in nosense can we be said to live, if we permit ourselves to be deprived ofit?"
The tone of feeling in which the dwarfish hero concluded his story, gaveJulian a better opinion of his heart, and even of his understanding,than he had been able to form of one who gloried in having, upon agrand occasion, formed the contents of a pasty. He was indeed enabled toconjecture that the little champion was seduced into such exhibitions,by the necessity attached to his condition, by his own vanity, and bythe flattery bestowed on him by those who sought pleasure in practicaljokes. The fate of the unlucky Master Crofts, however, as well asvarious exploits of this diminutive person during the Civil Wars, inwhich he actually, and with great gallantry, commanded a troop of horse,rendered most men cautious of openly rallying him; which was indeed theless necessary, as, when left alone, he seldom failed voluntarily toshow himself on the ludicrous side.
At one hour after noon, the turnkey, true to his word, supplied theprisoners with a very tolerable dinner and a flask of well-flavouredthough light claret; which the old man, who was something of abon-vivant, regretted to observe, was nearly as diminutive as himself.The evening also passed away, but not without continued symptoms ofgarrulity on the part of Geoffrey Hudson.
It is true these were of a graver character than he had hithertoexhibited, for when the flask was empty, he repeated a long Latinprayer. But the religious act in which he had been engaged, only gavehis discourse a more serious turn than belonged to his former themes, ofwar, lady's love, and courtly splendour.
The little Knight harangued, at first on polemical points of divinity,and diverged from this thorny path, into the neighbouring and twilightwalk of mysticism. He talked of secret warnings--of the predictionsof sad-eyed prophets--of the visits of monitory spirits, and theRosicrucian secrets of the Cabala; all which topics he treated ofwith such apparent conviction, nay, with so many appeals to personalexperience, that one would have supposed him a member of the fraternityof gnomes, or fairies, whom he resembled so much in point of size.
In short, he persevered for a stricken hour in such a torrent ofunnecessary tattle, as determined Peveril, at all events, to endeavourto procure a separate lodging. Having repeated his evening prayers inLatin, as formerly (for the old gentleman was a Catholic, which was thesole cause of his falling under suspicion), he set off on a new score,as they were undressing, and continued to prattle until he had fairlytalked both himself and his companion to sleep.