“Well, you do. Your mom called me super early this morning. I’m sorry I panicked and narced on you like that, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I wish you hadn’t been caught in the middle,” I said
She waved a hand dismissively. “She thought you were with Raoul. I had to tell her about Erik because she threatened to go to Raoul’s dad.”
“Oh, no,” I groaned.
“She didn’t believe me right away. She couldn’t wrap her head around you having a secret tutor and thought I was making it up.”
“Don’t worry about it. She was bound to find out sooner or later.”
“Yeah, but she called again this afternoon, practically wiggin’ out. She said you were threatening to leave school and move to Norway.”
I laughed derisively. “She’s worried because her little Tina Ballerina isn’t following the rules anymore.”
“That’s not the half of it,” Jenna said. “She thinks you’re hooking up with this guy. But I told her that’s not true, right?”
I dropped my gaze to the floor because I didn’t want to see her reaction.
“Oh. My. God. You slept with him. When? Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you said he was ugly.”
“Jenna!” I barked.
“Oh, yeah—no, I didn’t mean it that way. But you said his face was burned, and I…” Her voice trailed off and we sat there a moment, while I resisted a strong desire to cry.
Finally, I said, “I’m not sure how it happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I went to apologize—to grovel like you said. He’d arranged this beautiful picnic for us, right there in the theater. It was nice. We talked, and he said we should let it go.” I paused and took a breath. “We had this wine. Well, I did. He couldn’t drink any because of the mask.”
“The mask!” Jenna’s voice went up a notch. “What were you two doing?”
My bottom lip quivered, and I couldn’t speak as my eyes watered.
Jenna noticed my discomfort and scooted closer to me on the bed. “This is bad isn’t it,” she observed. “Something went down. Tell me everything.”
I spilled my guts. Going back to the beginning, I recounted our sessions together, his promising career and the choreographers he knew, and the fire that ruined everything for him. I even divulged how Mr. Sims found him and the fact that he was homeless and living in the Wakefield’s boiler room. Lastly, I told her about the mask he’d worn when we’d danced together.
“Wow, he wore a mask to come from behind the curtain,” she repeated, as if my saying it hadn’t convinced her, and she had to form the words for herself to believe them. “This is some weird crap,” she added. “Like something out of a movie.”
I nodded and continued, “He said he wanted to show me something. I started not to go, but I followed him downstairs to the room he’s been living in.”
When I hesitated, she pressed, “Then what happened?”
My hands clasped in my lap, I twisted my fingers into knots so tight that my knuckles paled. “I remember feeling weird on our way downstairs, kind of tired and woozy. Then he had these pictures of me.”
“He’s been taking pictures of you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “They were sketches, charcoals. And he’d made a video out of them and put it to music.”
“Whoa, seriously? That’s messed up stalker business.”
“Everything gets hazy after that. It’s blurry, but I remember feeling queasy and telling him I needed to go home before I got sick.”
“What do you mean? Were you drunk? Did you pass out?”
“No. I don’t think so. I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d drunk that much wine, but I can’t remember everything now.”
Jenna blinked several times and her jaw clenched. “Wait a minute. You said he didn’t drink the wine.”
I nodded.
“Son of a bitch. He drugged you.”
As she said this, I recalled Erik saying it was necessary.
“He didn’t drink any of it,” she said, “because he laced it with something.”
“But why would he do that? He’s helped me. He was helping me prepare for the second company auditions.” I denied the obvious, refusing to admit it out loud.
“No he wasn’t. He was helping himself. Think about, Chris.” Her hazel eyes bore meaningfully into mine. “You were raped. He drugged you and forced himself on you, and you have to call the police."
Chapter Sixty Three
Thankfully, there was a trashcan near my bed because Jenna’s words forced me to face the truth, and I barely had time to get to it before vomiting. Then I fell to the floor in a heap and bawled uncontrollably.
Jenna swooped down and held me close, saying things meant to be reassuring, but overcome with shame and humiliation, it was all gibberish to me. After a while, only the tremors remained, and I was able to get a steady breath.
“You need to tell your mother,” Jenna said. “Call the police and bust this bastard.”
“No!” I yelped, and then lowered my voice. “I can’t tell my mother. She’d completely freak out. You see how she’s acting now. Can you imagine what she’d do if she learned what a fool I’ve been.”
Our backs against the bed, we sat silently on the floor for a while. Then Jenna pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees. “I get that you don’t want to tell your mom. But you’re not a fool, Chris, and you can’t blame yourself. Not even for a minute. You were duped. I think this guy knew exactly what he was doing, and he’s played you all along.”
“How could I have been so blind?”
“You could only see what he revealed. And the dude sounds totally twisted—Jekyll and Hyde-ish.”
I dropped my head back to stare up at the ceiling. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone about this. Swear.”
When she didn’t reply, I picked up my head and looked at her. “Jenna.”
“All, right. All, right.” She threw her hands up in surrender. “I want to go on record, though, as saying I think you should nail his ass to wall. But I get it. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thanks.” I let my head sag onto the bed again, and we sat quietly until she finally had to go home.
When she’d left, I sat on my bed gazing across the room at the blank monitor on my open laptop. Snippets of the night were still coming back to me, and the more they did the more revolted I felt. Eventually, I dragged myself out of bed and took a long shower.
On my way back from the bathroom, Mom called my name from the kitchen. She was at the stove, stirring something in a pot.
“I’m preparing soup for dinner.”
She was trying to make peace, probably even hoping to get me to talk, but I wasn’t ready for that. There was no way I was going to tell her what had happened, and even though my threat to live with Dad was just that, a threat, I didn’t have it in me to go another round with her right now.
“No thanks.” I kept walking. “I’m not hungry.”
In my room, I turned on some music and noticed the message light on my phone blinking. There were several texts from Raoul. The first one simply said the Diamondbacks had won their game last night. The next asked if I was awake. And the third one teasingly called me a sleepy head. Lowering myself into the desk chair, tears trickled quietly down my face, and my heart felt like it would implode. It hurt so intensely that I ached all over.
Phone in hand, I went to the bed to lie down, and morosely, I thumbed through the photos taken the night we’d gone to the Frozen Tundra. Then, when I couldn’t take the pain anymore, I buried my face in a pillow and cried, and screamed, and cried some more. How had I screwed things up so badly? If only there were some way I could go back to the night Erik had told me about his mother’s death. I’d wish him the best for his life and go on with mine.
It was too late for that, though, and I had to find a way to deal with Raoul now. I had to break up with him. I couldn’t bear for him to learn about Erik—
what had occurred between us.
Then, as if he knew I was thinking about him, I received a text from him.
Hey, babe, wanna hang out tonight? Thought I’d stay the weekend at Dad’s.
Every nerve ending in my body longed to say yes, come over. But through wet eyelashes, I reread the text, and the only thing I could think to do to prevent him from showing up at my door was to lie. So I told him the first thing that popped into my head.
Sorry. Grounded. Failed a couple of classes. Mom put the brakes on my social life.
I waited for his response.
No prob. Miss me. Cuz I’ll miss you.
Right when I believed it couldn’t hurt any more than it already did, he had to say something so utterly sweet. Yeah, I had to find a way to break it off. It was the honorable thing to do.
On Sunday, I kept to my room all day, not coming out until Mom called me for lunch. She sneaked glances my direction as we sat beside each other at the breakfast bar, and what conversation we had was stilted.
Finally, when I couldn’t eat the food on my plate and went to the sink to wash it down the disposal, she said, “I’ve tried to give you some space, hoping you’d come to me and we could discuss whatever it is that you’ve been doing. But since you haven’t, the issue has to be addressed. I don’t want you going around this Erik again. There’s obviously more to this than you’re telling me, and frankly, it scares the hell out of me. But I can’t force you to talk to me. Still, I want to know who he is. The school needs to be made aware that a former dancer is skulking around, hitting on some of the students.”
“No!” I cried, circling around to face her as a myriad of scenarios flashed through my mind, pictures of Deirdre and the other girls whispering behind my back, Ms. Zaborov giving me pitying glances, and I didn’t even want to think about the disapproval I’d receive from Mrs. Hahn. Not to mention if I told her who he was, could I get in trouble for knowing he was living in the boiler room and not reporting him?
“I’m not going to see him again, so just drop it. Please, Mom.”
“Chris…”
“I messed up, but I won’t do it again. Can’t you keep it between us?”
She placed her fork on her plate to perch her elbows on the table. Lowering her face into her hands a moment, she exhaled. “Tell me—have you been sleeping with this man?”
“No. I was seeing him for ballet. That’s all. So see, there’s no reason for you to go to anyone at the school. I promise I will not see him again—ever.”
She wavered. “If you promise.”
I tipped my head in agreement.
Chapter Sixty Four
The next morning, I told Mom I had a headache and stayed home from school. Recalling Jenna’s advice, I considered telling Mom what Erik had done, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I was too ashamed at the thought of her knowing my part in it.
By midmorning, I wished I’d gone to class. Being alone in the apartment was unsettling. I tried watching television, reading, catching up homework, but my mind inevitably ended up on Erik. Every detail of that night was clear in my memory now. I tried to understand how it could have happened. Had I somehow led him on? All I’d done was dance for him. I’d never hinted at wanting anything more than to be his friend.
When my phone rang at five-fifteen that evening, it was Jenna, and I’d made a decision.
“I need you to break up with Raoul for me,” I told her. “It’s cowardly, but it’s better than doing it in a text.”
“Oh, no, are you sure you want to do that? He’s a great guy. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about, I’ve dated enough losers, and I’m telling you you’re making a mistake.”
“How can I not? There’s no way in hell, I’m telling him about Erik. And I couldn’t pull off that level of deception—to go on like nothing has changed. My conscience would eat me alive. Plus, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to go about telling him. I can’t do it.” I choked back a sob.
“This really blows,” Jenna sighed. “Seriously blows.”
“Will you help me or not?”
“Yeah, but are you sure you don’t want to talk to him first.”
“No, I can’t. Please, just do this for me.”
“If that’s what you want.”
“It’s what has to be done.”
Tuesday morning I went to Ms. Zaborov to ask her to let me out of working with the Diamondbacks. Seeing Raoul at class after Jenna had given him the news would be agonizing. When Ms. Z. asked for an explanation, I told her it interfered with my own practice. She was understanding and promised to find another dancer to take my place.
That afternoon, when it was time for the Diamondbacks to arrive, I stayed behind with Mrs. Hahn to work with the rest of the class. Then, to keep from bumping into Raoul when the day was over, I hurried to the car where Mom waited.
There was no way to determine what might come next, but at least Raoul would never discover the truth, and I’d squashed the possibility of him thinking I was a tramp. But I deeply underestimated Raoul.
Later that night, the doorbell rang and when Mom answered it, I heard his voice. “Hi Mrs. Dadey. Is Christine home?”
“Uh,” Mom stammered as I came up behind her. She glanced at me, unsure what to do. Obviously, she hadn’t expected Raoul to be in the picture anymore.
“It’s okay. Let him in.” When he came through the doorway, I said, “Let’s go to my room.”
He followed me there, and nervously, he stood in the middle of the floor, shifting his weight until I motioned for him to sit down. He took a place on the bed and I settled in the chair at my desk, being so close to him was unnerving. For several strained seconds, neither of us spoke or made eye contact, and he picked up a throw pillow from the bed and plucked at its fringe before flipping it over and eventually tossing it back onto the bed.
Finally, he cleared his throat. “You weren’t at practice today. Some guy took your place, and Ms. Zaborov said you wouldn’t be back.”
“No, I quit. It’s interfering with my own practice.”
“Jenna stopped me after class was over.”
My heart squeezed. This was it. This was where he’d tell me I was a coward and the least I could do was break up in person. But when he lifted his gaze to focus on me, I wasn’t prepared for what he said.
“She told me everything.”
I opened my mouth, but a beat passed before I could say, “She told you I wanted to break up, right?”
“Yeah, and she also told me why.”
Suddenly I felt dirty. My skin crawled and my mouth went bitterly dry. I was sure Erik’s handprints lingered on my body and Raoul could see them. I glanced at him certain there would be revulsion on his face.
He scooted to the foot of the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Crushing my bottom lip between my teeth, I willed it to stop quivering. To avoid his gaze, I adjusted my head and stared through the lace window curtains at the high-rises outside. How could I tell him that I couldn’t bear for him to know I no longer shined?
“Talk to me,” he pleaded. “Do you want to be with this guy? Because if you do…”
“What exactly did Jenna tell you?” I butted in.
He hesitated, ruffling his hair in the way that I loved so much. “She said you were a…that you had an instructor who…well, you know. You could have told me, Chris. I wouldn’t have—I don’t—blame you. Jenna says he laced your drink, knocked you out. What a dirtbag—I could kill him, but it wasn’t your fault.”
The compassion in his voice released the aching in my chest, and I sank my face into my hands and burst into tears. In a flash, he was up, coaxing me from the chair and drawing me over to sit beside him. Tenderly, he took my hand, and said, “I’m sorry this happened to you. But you can trust me. I’m not going anywhere.”
The tears fell even harder then, and for the first time in days, I felt clean. “I didn’t know what else to do,” I explained to him. “I didn’t have the cou
rage to tell you, so I asked Jenna to break up for me.”
He reached for a tissue from the box on the bedside table, and handed it to me.
I blew my nose. “You still want to be with me? You’d go out with again, knowing I was…knowing what he did?”
“My sister’s swim coach tried to put his hands on her. He was a freaking college teacher—damn perv. No one blasted her for it, though.”
A bond seemed to develop between us then. It was unspoken, but it was there. And if Raoul didn’t condemn me maybe I didn’t need to condemn myself.
He squeezed my hand and easily moved on. “Have you told your mother? What did she say?”
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t told her. She would completely lose it.”
“Are you going to report him to the police?”
“Did your sister?”
“Nuh-uh. But look, you have to do what’s right for you. If you don’t want to tell anyone you don’t have to.” He paused then said, “I could kick his ass for you. Me and a few of the Diamondbacks could meet him in a dark alley somewhere.”
I couldn’t help myself. In the middle of the debris of what was left of my life, he made me smile. “No. All I want is to put it behind me and move on.”
“You’re gonna get through this,” he assured me. “We’ll get through it together.”
Chapter Sixty Five
Raoul stayed for about an hour. I ended up telling him how I’d met Erik in the first place, and I even told him about the fire that scarred Erik’s face. Eventually the conversation moved on as we kicked back on my bed, backs against the wall and our feet hanging over the side. It felt more like the night at Discovery Green when we’d danced with Magdalena and her friends. That night seemed so long ago now, but it was as if Raoul and I were there again and our relationship was unfolding now as it had then, gently and naturally. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I was convinced I could put Erik’s betrayal behind me.
Later, when he’d gone, I went to the kitchen, where Mom readied dinner.
“Leftovers,” she said, popping a bowl into the microwave. Then she sat on one of the stools at the island and patted the seat of the other for me to join her.
“I was surprised to see Raoul. I thought you weren’t dating him anymore.”
Tracing a vein in the granite countertop, I hedged a moment. “We worked it out.” A beat passed, and I said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made those threats. I’m not quitting ballet and moving in with Dad.”