*****
Katelyn dropped her books off and ran over to get the kids from her grandma’s house. She gave them a snack and looked over her math study guide. No worries, she thought. She could pass this one. She tucked it back into her bag and checked the time. Tim should have been there by now. He only had to go to school in the afternoons and they weren’t forced to take finals at the alternative school, just finish their work.
She was excited to see him, though. After thinking about how accustomed she’d become to him being in her life, she felt happy about it. He was a new, welcome part of her life. She thought back to just a month ago and how she seemed like a different person—young, alone, her parents’ daughter. Now, she felt different, more in control, like more of her life belonged to her. Was that because of him? Yes, she thought. I’m becoming someone new with him.
She had flipped open her science packet, a 12-page manual more than a study guide. Katelyn sighed. Besides the directions, the first page contained words she couldn’t pronounce let alone define. She looked the first term up on the Internet. “Homogeneous: composed of parts of elements of the same kind.” She sighed and gave up on terminology. Who cares?
“Kate'n, let’s go to the park,” Kayla was behind her.
Katelyn looked back once, but turned back to the study guide. “Sorry, kiddo, I have to do homework.”
“I’ll help,” Kayla cheered and tried to come around to sit on her lap.
“No, Kayla, go watch your movie, alright,” and Katelyn gently pushed her back from her leg. Katelyn checked the time. Tim was officially late now.
Kayla had gone back to the cartoon movie without much trouble. Katelyn switched browser windows to check her Web page. Nothing from Tim. She sent a text on her phone and then checked his page. He had added a couple new song links since last night, but there was no reported activity today, except a wall post from someone named Christian. “In town for awhile—hook me up.”
She linked to Christian’s site, but it was limited access. She could see Christian had a lot of Des Moines friends and his profile picture was a crossbone. Tim never talked much about his former city. She never pushed it either, scared to have him close off or see her as snoopy. It didn’t matter, really. What mattered was who he is now, but she wanted more of him, wanted to expand the identity she already had of him.
Katelyn browsed through Tim’s friend's links. There were mostly girls. She couldn’t help feeling a little jealous. How many of them were friends and how many were girls who wanted more from him. She posted a note of her own on his wall. “Save me from studying!”
She kept clicking through Tim’s pages, his groups—mostly bands and nonsense clubs. She noted a “Legalize Cannabis” group he had joined earlier in the year, but so many boys seemed to be bandwagon followers. She had put up with enough Bob Marley for a lifetime when Emily dated a junior a couple months ago. They hung out in his basement, decked out with reggae posters, and listened to the same tracks shuffle from his docked mp3 player. They’d smoked a couple joints, but mostly he and his friends would drink cheap beer and complain that they couldn’t get any dope.
Jacob was crying. She went over to his jump up seat and picked him up. His diaper was heavy and the promise of a mess overwhelmed her nose. Resentment crawled at her conscience. Why am I the one to change his diapers instead of his own mom? She hadn’t talked to Jenny in two weeks, but her mom said Jenny was supposed to come over on Saturday for a visit. Katelyn had overheard a phone conversation her mom had with her dad about it. Her mom actually thought Jenny was cleaning up her act.
After Jacob was cleaned up, she realized the time. She had to feed him and get Kayla some dinner. She grabbed a couple baby food jars—peaches and green beans. He’d hate the green beans, but she’d alternate them to get him to eat. She went to mix a bottle of formula, but found the can empty. She looked in the cupboards, but there wasn’t any more. He could drink some juice now, but he’d need his bottle before bed.
“I want to go to the park.” Kayla was beside the high chair now. Her voice was a full whine.
“We can’t, KK,” Katelyn said with little patience.
“Why not?” she pouted.
“I’m feeding Jacob, right? I have to get you something to eat, right?” Katelyn followed up, “I can’t do everything.”
“I want to go to the park!” Kayla was on the brink of a tantrum, her fists by her side and bottom lip pushed out under her crumpled eyebrows.
Without another response, she automatically referred to one of her mom’s comebacks, “Sometimes you don’t get what you want.”
Kayla let loose. She started in a long, rising wail that sounded like an approaching siren. Her eyes squinted closed and she noisily sucked in more air. She put more power into the next cry, and the sound pierced through Katelyn’s head.
Katelyn closed her own eyes and lowered her head, trying to shut out the noise. Then Jacob started to cry, too.
Katelyn dropped the baby spoon and jar on the table, picked Kayla up. Holding her away from her as Kayla continued to wail, Katelyn walked her down the hall, into Brianna’s room, set her down in the center of the floor, and walked out. Kayla continued to wail. Katelyn turned just before she shut the door. “You can come out when you stop crying. If you come out still crying, there’s no movie tonight.”
Kayla just sucked in another breath and let it loose. Katelyn shut the door and leaned against it, but Jacob’s cry called from the kitchen table.