Matt and I finally had a little bit of a break, I used my camera and got some amazingly close shots of young girls being taken into the office. We were both sure that wasn’t where things were going down. They weren’t there long enough. We lost them before we could get down the bank and to Matt’s car. He was pissed. His temper was almost as bad as my dad’s. Geesh.
The rest of the week dragged and enduring Matt’s attitude was worse than growing up in the same house as my dad. He was a bear with thorns in his ass. We didn’t get another chance the entire week. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t tell him to stake the place out on top of a hill. He’s supposed to be the professional. Not me.
Justine and I went shopping for new clothes for our upcoming trip. It was a lot of fun, the most I’d ever enjoyed shopping. I guess I just needed to get out, live a little, and stop believing what everyone else had conditioned me to believe. Like shopping. My dad hated it, so naturally he told me I hated it, too. Just like fish. I hated fish growing up because my dad hated it. Now I loved it. Kids believe what they’re taught to believe. Just like when my mother died. Wait. Scratch that. I’m not focusing on that anymore.
I was very hesitant about the bikini. It was pointless for me to buy a bikini. It would stay covered with the new cover up, anyway. The only reason I bought it was because it was the end of August. I only paid fifteen bucks for both pieces. I was the one to tell Justine I had to go. I was skyping with Cooper at eight, excited to show him the new shots I got of a real life rescue. The Coast Guard was there and everything. I got the perfect shot of a little girl being hoisted out of the water after their boat collided with a barge. I wasn’t sure of the details yet, but I did make a mental note to try and catch it on the news. Not that I would remember.
I don’t know why it mattered so much, but I liked gaining Cooper’s approval. He made me feel useful, although I knew the photos that I took were meaningless, I still liked hearing him tell me how fantastic they were.
Rushing Justine out of the last department store, she stopped again. Oh brother. Who cares about five dollar earrings? She had enough already.
“I’m going out. I’ll meet you out front,” I groaned, heading to the food court where we came in. Justine was a shopaholic. I should have known not to go there with her.
“Hey,” I heard the familiar voice.
Catching me off guard, I stammered my words. “Britney. Hey. How are you?”
“I’m okay. Becker’s birthday,” she said, holding up the bag.
I nodded, not know what else to say. I didn’t know it was his birthday. I mean, I knew it was August, but I didn’t remember the day. It wasn’t personal, I forgot my dad’s in June, too.
“How have you been?” I asked, willing myself to say something.
“Great,” she replied. Did I already ask that? Why were things suddenly awkward between us?
“How’s Alana and Christina?” I asked, skipping Becker. I didn’t want to know how he was.
“They’re okay. I hear you’ve been seeing someone. How’s that going?”
“Yes, Cooper. It’s going very well. We’re getting ready to go away for the weekend. That’s why I’m here. How did you know that?” I had no idea what I was saying. I was just rattling.
“Alana. She said she and Becker ran into you on her birthday.”
“Oh, yes. They were there,” I responded. What else could I say? Where the hell was Justine? “Planning a party tonight?” I asked.
“Not really. It’s just the two of us. Christina and Alana are off working. I’m going to make him a cake.”
“Oh, yeah, that will be nice. Tell him I said happy birthday. I better go, Justine is waiting for me,” I lied, needing to move on. Things were awkward between us for whatever reason and I was at a loss for words. Talking to Cooper about my newest photos wouldn’t take as much effort as this was. I didn’t understand it. Weird.
“I will. Take care.”
“Thanks, you, too. Tell Christina and Alana hey for me. Oh and Mason too.”
“I will. I’ll see you around.”
“Okay.”
Wow, that was strange. I stared after Britney, carrying Becker’s birthday present. I wondered what she got him. Should I text him a birthday wish?
“What are you staring at?”
“Nothing,” I said shaking it off. No. I shouldn’t text him. He might text back. I couldn’t handle that.
***
I struggled a little, trying not to think about Becker and the girls. They were probably doing something fun this weekend for his birthday. The drive wasn’t bad, not quite three hours. By time we arrived, my animosity was practically nonexistent. Between Justine’s stupid games, and Cooper trying to sing songs he didn’t know the words to, our trip flew by. I was happy and laughing. Once again, removing Becker Cole from my mind.
Hunter’s family beach home was fantastic. Sitting on three full lots, we had plenty of room to spread our wings. We did, too. Cooper and Hunter made a beer run while Justine and I stayed behind to freshen up. Really we just checked the place out. Hunter came from money. That should make Justine very happy. The place was crazy. The second-floor bedrooms were side by side and shared one bathroom. We didn’t mind at all. The glass wall facing the ocean made everything okay.
The guys grilled out, and thank god for Justine, she made pasta and deep fried pickles. My new favorite food. I wasn’t drinking until after I had food in my belly. It still remembered the way I felt after the last time. The night I acted like a skank, getting it in on the sink of a restaurant. Aye yai, yai.
I guess I wasn’t in the mood to drink the way everyone else was. I was the only sober one out of the bunch, sitting there like the minority while the rest of them played drunk charades. It wasn’t as funny to me as it was them, and my second beer was warm again. I was more interested in being alone with Coop. I hadn’t had sex since the sink thing with Beck. I had been thinking about it all week. As nervous as I was, I was ready. I think.
The drunker he got, the less I wanted to be alone with him. I finally had to call Justine inside to tell her to take Hunter and get the hell out of there.
“You’re going to do it with, Cooper,” she taunted. I hated drunk Justine.
“Shut the hell up, you idiot.” Geesh. I didn’t want to broadcast it.
“Okay, okay. We’ll go.”
Wait. I was nervous again. UGH. I hated dating. I should have stuck to the cat lady plan. As soon as Justine and Hunter disappeared, Cooper kissed me. I didn’t like it, not much. He was sloppy about it, drunk sloppy. I thought he was going to eat my face. I finally pulled away, and he led me upstairs. Oh boy. Did I really want to do this?
What a nightmare. It wasn’t slow and sensual at all, not like when Becker touched me. First, we bumped heads, and then he bit my lip. It was awkward to say the least. After sliding on a condom, he got on top of me and did his thing. Wow. I sent Justine to bed for this? I could feel him moving in and out, but not like I could with Beck. He wasn’t doing anything to bring me to bliss the way Becker did. He just did it. In and out, in and out, until he grunted.
Five minutes later, I was trying to get him off of me. Feeling disgusted with myself, I told him I was going to shower. He didn’t care, he was out of it. I showered as much as Cooper away as I could. I never felt like I wanted to scour my skin with Becker. I shook beneath the water, shivering from the thought of what just happened. The four minutes of it.
Dressing in shorts and a tank-top, I grabbed my camera and left Cooper sleeping on his stomach, passed out rather. I shouldn’t feel this way about him. It wasn’t him. It was the alcohol. We should have waited.
On a good note, I took some amazing photos along the shore, a couple moon shots, but mostly things people wouldn’t think to shoot. Like a corroded soda can from the salt water. The way the oxidized letters glowed from the moon’s light was, hmm, how would I describe it? The blue trying to come from the rusted blemishes, the way the sand blanketed it, and the moonl
ight gleaming from the can made it mystic. I know it was just an old, washed up, soda can, but to me it was art. It was beautiful.
I even took some shots of a couple making out on the beach. They were breathtaking, too. I should have found them and at least sent them to their email. What made them so unique was the shapes of their bodies. They weren’t a couple of young hotties, they were older, and she was at least a size sixteen. I thought she was stunning in her white sheer cover. He was somewhat of a hippy with a braid clear down his back. I loved that photo.
It was almost four in the morning before I felt the exhaustion kick in. I wasn’t leaving yet, though. I could already see the light peering over the horizon. It wouldn’t be long now. Waiting for the sun to make its presence, I took a couple shots of a pair of pink kids’ sunglasses. It was my new favorite thing to do. The way the water carried them to the beach was captured in the still shot. I loved it.
Waiting for the shots I so desperately wanted, I let my mind drift to the places I was trying not to go. There was no way I was going to be able to let it go. I had to know. My mother died six months after I thought she did. Why? Why didn’t I know that? And why did everyone try so hard to keep it from me? Of course, my mind also wandered to Becker. I hoped he had a good birthday. I hoped he was doing okay, and I wished to god Cooper felt as amazing as he did. I liked Cooper, a lot. Why couldn’t it just fall into place and feel like it did with Beck?
By the time I had gotten the shots I had stayed up the entire night for, I was exhausted, but I still didn’t have the desire to crawl into bed with Cooper.
Staying as far away from sleeping Cooper as I could, I lay on my back, staring out at the upcoming sun. Cooper moaned, and rolled over, not welcoming the bright light like I was. Rolling to my side, I stared at it in a complete trance, thinking about where I belonged, until I finally dozed off.
Justine was waking me at nine. They wanted to go eat and find something fun to do, maybe parasailing. No thank you. I declined, telling her I didn’t feel well and for them to go ahead. I wasn’t lying. I didn’t feel well. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, and my stomach hurt. I was staying right there for at least two more hours.
They were still gone when I finally emerged at one in the afternoon, feeling better, but hungry. There wasn’t much for food in the house. I heated a cup of coffee in the microwave and uploaded my new images, all two hundred and twelve of them. I didn’t understand why you had to go to school to do this. I thought my photos were as good, if not better, than Coopers. Once I was dressed, feeling famished, I took my new best friend and set out along the beach.
I sat at a picnic table and people watched while eating a beach burrito. That made me laugh. It didn’t taste like a beach burrito. It tasted like the ones from Gino’s.
“Hey! Hey! Somebody stop him! That’s mine. He took my camera!” I yelled after the punk on the ten speed bike. Nobody helped me. He just vanished, peddling as fast as he could down the blacktop path. One guy shrugged his shoulder apologetically, but nobody stopped him. He took my camera. I would never be able to afford another one, not until I finished paying for that one, anyway.
I hated the beach. I never wanted to go to the beach again. Thieves lived on the beach. I don’t know why, I guess because I was devastated, but I cried all the way back to the house. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried, but I did that day. I felt like I lost my best friend. Now what was I supposed to do?
“It’s just a camera, and I am amazed at these shots you got last night. You’re very, very good at this, Cass.” If that was Cooper’s way of consoling me, he sucked. I didn’t want him to care about the photos on my laptop. I wanted him to care about me. Becker would.
I tried my best to have a good time, join in on the laughter and have fun. I couldn’t. I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong. Maybe I made a harsh mistake. Maybe I should have given the girls more of a chance. I always had fun with them. And I decided that I wasn’t a beer drinker. I liked Britney’s mixed girly drinks a lot better. The beer made me sick, and I didn’t like the smell of it. Especially when Cooper kissed me.
Justine was happy, that was good. Hunter couldn’t keep his hand off her. They were like Becker and I was. Oh god. Stop thinking about Becker. Stop comparing Cooper to Becker. Cooper’s a good guy. He’s fun, and handsome, and he’s a good picture taker and a good exploring partner. I sat there, watching the fun and trying to convince myself how much I liked Cooper. I did like him, it wasn’t that.
Yeah, sex with drunk Cooper sucked. The same thing as the night before. I should have just said no, and I didn’t have my camera to run away with once he passed out. My thirteen hundred dollar camera. Nonetheless, I removed myself from beneath his body right after the grunt. Not an erotic moan the way Becker did it, staring into my eyes, just a grunt. Humph. Just like that.
“You’re not having a good time,” he said rolling over. I watched him slide the condom off. No wonder I didn’t enjoy it.
“I am. I’m just sad about my camera, that’s all.” I smiled, trying to convince myself more so than him. It wasn’t only that. We just didn’t mesh right. I wondered if we would have, had I not met Becker first. If I never knew what that felt like. Would it had been different?
“What?”
“Nothing. What do you mean what?”
“You just shook your head, like you were trying to shake something off. You even sighed when you did it. What were you just thinking about?”
“I don’t know. My camera,” I lied again.
Cooper pulled me to the bed and wrapped his arm around me, spooning me from the back. I held his hand and five minutes later felt the tear cross the bridge of my nose. What the hell? I didn’t care if he was sleeping. I wanted him sleeping. I didn’t want to talk to him. Why the hell was I so emotional? Oh yeah, because I just let thirteen hundred dollars that I didn’t have wash out to sea. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Chapter 27
Justine was mad at me. She texted me the entire way home, accusing me of raining on the parade and sitting there like a bump on a log while the rest of them had fun. I didn’t think I was that bad, but she did. She even called me a prude when I was finally dropped off at my door. I didn’t want to do that again anytime soon.
I was never so happy in my life to be home. An entire weekend with Cooper was a lot to take in, at least this soon in our relationship. He was a little overbearing, or maybe it was just the booze. I needed to take baby steps next time, maybe a night here and there. What would I call him about now? I didn’t have a camera to send him shots.
Snowball was happy to see me, or maybe he was just hungry. He probably ate all three cans of food I left for him at one time. I liked being alone. I liked being the cat lady. I wasn’t sure I would ever want to be with a man fulltime. Snowball and I had it made, right there in our cozy little house without drunk men with little— oh lord, Cass. Now you’re going to compare that, too?
I felt grateful for what I had, my private little life alone. As much as I loved Justine, she, too, could be haughty at times. She meant well. I just think maybe she tried a little too hard sometimes. And then again, it could have just been me. I didn’t know.
Curled up, rubbing Snowball’s neck on my own sofa, I promised myself I wouldn’t be taking any more trips. I should stay close to home. My dad always warned me about what was out there, although I tended to always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, believing that they all had a good side. I still believed that to a point. Given the chance, the majority of people would do the right thing. I wondered how much the one who chose not to do the right thing got for my camera.
Lying in my own bed, thankful to be sleeping with Snowball and not Cooper, I felt bad. He really liked me. I could tell he did, and I liked him, too, it wasn’t that. We had a lot of fun together. Had I gotten drunk with the rest of them, maybe I would have had more fun, too. If I would have gotten intoxicated, I could have possibly been more into the sex, too. Nah, probably not. Would I ever
in my life find another Becker? Someone that not only took charge in bed, but also made me do it, tell him what I wanted?
Maybe I needed to go see a hypnotist. I watched an episode on 20/20 once where Diane Sawyer interviewed a hypnotist believed to make you forget anything, including horrific war scenes. One girl completely faced her fear of public speaking, just by being told she loved it while in a deep sleep. Maybe I could do that, too, forget Becker ever existed. Anything was better than this. I couldn’t keep comparing Cooper to him, not if I planned on him being around long. I should really try with him. I think my dad would even approve of him.
Taking a deep breath, I dreaded the jazzy ringtone. I didn’t want to answer. Ugh. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Hey, Coop.”
“Hey, just wanted say goodnight. Back to the books tomorrow.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
“You working on anything good?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll be bored out of my mind. I’ll be with Matt all day. He’ll control the reins.”
“Too bad you don’t have your camera. That really sucks. I’m sorry that happened, Cass.”
“Yeah, me, too, but it was my own fault. I left it right there on the end of the table. I should have had it hooked to me. I’ll get another one someday.”
“At least you saved them to your computer first, right?”
“Yeah, but that’s not the fun part,” I whined. Why did he have to go and mention my camera? I was already feeling like a pile of poo. I didn’t need to be reminded of that.
“I had a really good time this weekend.”
“I did, too, sorry I wasn’t up to partying. I don’t know what was up with me. I just wasn’t feeling it, and then my camera got ripped off.”
“Ahh, it’s okay. I drank enough for the both of us.”