His breath against my lips gives me chills and I have to taste his mouth. I lean forward slowly and give him a soft kiss. He slowly slides his hand behind my neck and I kiss him again as I grow more eager. This time he kisses me back, but he doesn’t open his mouth and it’s driving me crazy. I take his top lip into my mouth and he pulls away before I can taste him.
“I love you, Claire. I want to be with you forever.”
Like a switch going off in my brain, I think of Chris and I want to crawl into a hole. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see Adam’s face. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m a disgusting person.
I have two choices: I can be honest with Adam about what happened with Chris and hope that he can still stomach me or I can leave now and go home to Chris.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Adam
I SEE HER MIND WORKING like crazy and I know she’s going to talk herself out of this if I don’t act quickly. Claire is notorious for overthinking every situation. She worked herself into a frenzy trying to figure out why I never visited her during the week when we were first dating. And, of course, she spent nearly a year in hiding from everyone she knew because she was afraid of being judged for keeping Abigail a secret. I need to do something before she convinces herself to walk away, but I also don’t want to rush this.
I look into her eyes and her eyebrows furrow. She’s worried about something.
Ah, fuck it.
I pull her face to mine and crush my lips against hers. Her lips taste exactly as I remember. I slide my tongue into her mouth and she moans, but then she pulls away.
“Wait.”
“I’m tired of waiting,” I say as I scoop her up in my arms.
She lets out a high-pitched yelp then laughs. “Hey!”
“Hay is for horses,” I say as I carry her up the stairs toward my apartment. “And I have a great horse joke.”
“Oh, no.”
I dig my finger into her side, where she’s ticklish, and she squirms in my arms. I nearly drop her, but I’m full of too much adrenaline from the anticipation.
“Open the door. It’s not locked.”
“No.”
“Claire.”
I give her the most serious look I can muster, but she just laughs.
“You don’t scare me.”
She musses up my hair and I turn my face to kiss the inside of her forearm. Her smile fades and she waits a moment before she reaches for the doorknob and pushes the door open.
I step over the threshold and kick the door closed behind me. “What did one horse say to the other horse when he fell down?”
“What?”
“Help. I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up.”
“That is terrible.”
“I thought you’d like that.” I sit her down on a barstool so our eyes are level. “I just want to make you happy.”
Her smile disappears again and she looks down at my chest. “You did make me happy. You made me happier than I thought I could ever be. Then you left.”
I brush her hair off her forehead and she looks up. “Claire, we both left. You left to school and I left to Hawaii. I’m surprised we both made it back here at all.” I plant a soft kiss on her lips. “If we break up forever, we’ll both probably move on. That’s just reality. But I’ll never be the same. You changed me and I know I’ve changed you. You’re not the same scared girl hiding in a meditation cave all day long. You’re mine, and a piece of you will always belong to me the same way a piece of me will always belong to you.”
I kiss her cheek to catch the tears as they fall. She clutches the front of my shirt, her chest heaving as she tries to decide what to do.
“Come and lay with me,” I say, and she looks at me suspiciously. I shake my head. “Not to have sex. That was a long drive. You need to rest. Then you can leave if that’s what you decide.”
I wrap my arms around her waist and she wraps her legs around my hips as I lift her off the barstool. She rests her head on my shoulder as I carry her to the bed and set her down gently.
I kiss her forehead and step back. “I’m gonna get you a bottle of water. Do you need anything else?”
She shakes her head as she lies down and curls her legs up. She’s so beautiful; it’s difficult to tear my eyes away from her. I grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and glance at the cupboard above the refrigerator where I hid Claire’s surprise gift. I wish she had come looking for it when I told her about it.
I make it back to the bedroom and hand her the bottle of water as I lie next to her. She props herself up on her elbow to drink half the bottle then she screws the cap back on and places it on the nightstand. She turns back to me and I beckon her to lay her head on my shoulder. She does and I kiss the top of her head as I wrap my arm around her.
“Do you remember the first time I walked you to work?”
She lays her hand on my chest and I resist the urge to bring it to my mouth to kiss it.
“Of course.”
“You never asked me how I got your boss to give you the day off so we could go on a date.”
“I figured you fed her a dirty lie and I didn’t want to know anything about it.”
“That doesn’t make sense. You should have asked me so we both had our stories straight.”
She traces her finger in light circles over my heart and I can’t resist anymore. I grab her hand and lay a quick kiss on her knuckles before I place her hand back on my chest. She giggles softly and I continue.
“Anyway, I told your boss that I was pretty sure I had just met the love of my life and that I had to take you on a nice, long date to make sure my instincts were correct.”
“You did not tell her that.”
“I did. And she knew I was serious.”
We’re both quiet for a minute before she speaks. “I really miss being here. I miss seeing you and Cora and I miss how easy everything was before I went back to school. I miss waking up next to you or in the apartment below you. I miss being close to you.”
“I can get an apartment in Chapel Hill and commute to Raleigh. It’s only a forty-minute drive.”
“Why would you do that?”
“To be closer to you.”
She pulls her head away from my shoulder to look up at me. “You would do that?”
“Of course. I’m very serious when I say I want to be with you forever. I’ve already tried living without you and it nearly destroyed me.”
She climbs on top of me and lays her head in the center of my chest as she wraps her arms around my waist.
“What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head. “Nothing. I just can’t believe I’m here with you. I can’t believe you’re real.”
I want to ask her if she’d like to take off her jacket and boots to get more comfortable, but I don’t want her to think I’m just trying to get her into bed so I can have my way with her. I really want to have my way with her, but I can wait until the time is right.
I run my fingers through her hair and I can feel her body relax on top of me. After a few minutes, her breathing has slowed so much I’m certain she’s fallen asleep.
“Claire?” I whisper as low as I can.
“What?”
“I thought you fell asleep. Were you meditating?”
“No, just thinking.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Not since this morning. But I don’t want any mac and cheese.”
“Look who’s a comedian now,” I say as I try not to think of the surprise I hid for her in the cupboard. “You want to go out to eat or do you want me to order a pizza?”
“Order a pizza and we can eat in bed.”
The pizza arrives forty minutes later; forty minutes we spend catching up on what’s happened in our lives over the past four weeks. I tell her about the conversation I had with my dad when I quit. Then I tell her about the competition, but I leave out the fact that I qualified for the competition in Australia. She tells me about a meeting she had with he
r professor. Then she gets really quiet when she tells me what happened when she and Chris were invited to go see Abigail in the hospital.
We finish our pizza in silence, both of us scarfing down three slices.
“I’ve never seen you eat like that,” I remark.
She tosses her crust into the pizza box on the bed, but when she looks up at me she’s serious again.
I have an awful feeling there’s something she’s not telling me, and my gut tells me it probably has to do with Chris. But I don’t want to jump to conclusions or accuse her of anything she hasn’t done.
“What’s bothering you? I can tell something’s bothering you.”
She looks up at me with the guiltiest look in her eyes. I don’t have to hear a word to know what she’s going to say.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Claire
I CAN TELL BY THE way Adam’s nostrils are flaring that he already knows what I’m going to confess.
“Oh, God,” I whisper as I attempt to gather the courage to say the words he both deserves and doesn’t deserve to hear.
He shakes his head slightly. “No fucking way.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No, don’t say that.” I reach for him and he instantly backs away then rises from the bed. “Please don’t fucking say that.”
“I am. I’m so fucking sorry. I was just so hurt. I thought it was over.”
He clutches chunks of his hair as he takes deep breaths in a vain attempt to calm himself. He’s about to explode and I know my heart is going to absorb the full impact of the blast.
“Please just sit down so we can talk.”
He keeps shaking his head. “I can’t fucking believe this. This is what happened in my worst fucking nightmare, but I never expected it to come true.”
I scramble off the bed and he steps away from me. “Adam, please just listen to me. You were gone. I… I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I thought I didn’t fit into your life and you were just tired of dealing with me.”
I grab the front of his shirt and he closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at me.
“Please look at me.”
He shakes his head and I can see the anguish in his face, even with his eyes closed. “I can’t.”
I take his face in my hands and he finally opens his eyes, but he looks at the ceiling. “Adam. I am begging you to look at me.”
He takes a deep breath through his nose before he finally looks me in the eye. “I asked you to wait for me.”
“That’s not what you said. You said you didn’t expect me to wait for you.”
He shakes his head again with sheer disappointment. “It was four weeks. Just four fucking weeks.”
My hands drop to my sides as the tears fall down my face. This is it. I can feel it. I squat down on the floor as I try to catch my breath.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
I have to get out of here. I know he doesn’t want me here anymore, but I feel like I might pass out again if I stand up.
“I thought I’d understand if this happened,” he says, and his voice is so thick with emotion it makes my entire body ache. “Maybe I just need to be alone for a while.”
“No,” I whisper as I place my hand on the edge of the mattress to try to pull myself up.
I’m overcome with a hot dizziness and I lean on the bed to steady myself as I try to draw in deep breaths.
“What’s wrong?” he asks as he reaches for my arm to help me.
“I’m fine,” I say, pushing his hand away. “I’ll let you be alone.
I push myself off the bed and take another deep breath. He doesn’t look at me as I move around him to leave the bedroom.
Right when I reach the bedroom door, he speaks. “You didn’t come here while I was gone.”
I stop in the doorway as I try to figure out what he means by this. “What are you talking about?”
I turn around and I want to die when I see the look on his face. He finally looks more hurt than angry.
“I told you I left something for you in my apartment, but you never came.”
“I was hurt.” I can barely speak the words as the knot in my throat swells.
He nods and I take this as my signal to leave, but I don’t want to go. We stand in silence for a moment before he comes to me. He stops right in front of me and I draw in a long, stuttered breath. He reaches up and I close my eyes as he wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his fingers.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I open my eyes and his eyes roam over every feature of my face. “You can stay here. I’m going for a drive.”
“Please don’t go.”
“I have to.”
He squeezes past me and I resist the urge to grab onto him in desperation. I don’t watch as he leaves, but I can hear the front door as it closes.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chris
TRISTAN KICKS MY FOOT TO get my attention and I look up from my guitar. “What?”
Tristan is the classic brooding musician, which is why girls can’t resist him. He’s the one who always sits in the corner at parties with a beer in his hand and a scowl on his face. He’s only ever shared one song he wrote with me. He’s secretive as hell; even more than Claire. But this is one of Tristan’s best qualities. He’s extremely loyal. He’ll never blab my secrets to anyone, which is why I still can’t figure out why I haven’t told him about what’s going on between Claire and me. It probably has to do with the fact that I’ve always felt like Tristan had a thing for Claire before we broke up.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you strung out on Claire again?”
I shake my head as I try to also shake the feeling that Claire is being pulled further away from me by the second. It doesn’t feel like there’s just physical distance between us right now.
I thought I knew Claire until two months ago when I realized she was in love with a guy she had known less than a month. It took me nearly a year to break down her walls. Before we broke up, I wouldn’t think anything of it if she told me she was going to spend the night next door to her ex-boyfriend’s apartment. But Claire is not the same person she was before we broke up.
“Don’t talk about Claire like she’s any other fucking girl.”
Tristan raises an eyebrow at me. He’s not used to Claire and me being back together so I’ll let this slide, though I’m feeling unreasonably angry right now.
He sighs before he leans back on the sofa. “I don’t know what the deal is, but the answer is always call her. Girls love that shit. Whenever something is fucked up or uncertain, all it takes is a fucking phone call to fix it.”
I don’t want to hear him compare Claire to the chicks he fucks so I grab one of my crutches and head for the garage with my guitar. He doesn’t ask where I’m going because he probably assumes I’m taking his advice, and he’s right.
I flip the light switch inside the garage and feel a pang of longing when I see the empty space where my bike used to be parked. It seems like everything in my life has gone to shit the past couple of months. Only the past week have things finally begun to turn around—and now this.
I sit on the concrete steps that lead down from the house into the garage, lay my guitar in my lap, and call Claire. She said she would call me when she went to sleep. It’s not even eight yet, but I don’t want to wait anymore.
“Hello.”
Her voice is thick and raspy, like she’s been crying.
“Claire, babe, where are you?”
She lets out a soft whimper and I know I’m too late.
“Chris.”
“Babe, just come home and we can talk about it.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. I promise whatever happened we can work it out.” Her sobs come suddenly and like fucking shotgun blasts to my heart. “Claire, we’ve been through worse. I don’t want to fucking lose you again. Just come home.”
I had planned to tell her about the fact that Abby
’s parents have decided they don’t want to proceed with the open adoption when I saw her this weekend. I couldn’t bear to break this news to her over the phone. I was actually a little relieved when she said she wasn’t coming over because I was dreading breaking her heart. I should be angry enough to try to hurt her with this news right now, but I can’t. Claire and I have been through enough heartache this past year to ever deliberately hurt each other.
“I know you’re feeling confused right now, but that’s okay,” I begin. I take a deep breath before I continue with the one thing I hope can bring her back. “I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you and this will always be your home. No matter what happens between us, please don’t forget my mom.”
She’s sobbing harder now and I let out a deep sigh as I prepare myself for what will probably be the most painful three minutes of my life.
“This is the song I wrote for you and Abby.” I place the call on speakerphone, lay the phone on the concrete step next to me, and try to ignore the soft sounds of sobs in the background as I play the first notes.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Claire