Staring unseeingly at the computer screen in front of her, Felicia remembered the revelations thrown at her a few hours ago. She wanted to concentrate on the many personalities Joshua had taken on while giving his first practical lesson and letting her in on his past, which may well have been the first theoretical lesson. Half of her mind was busy wrapping itself around all the new information and trying to draw parallels to her life, while the other half was lingering on their last kiss. Her tongue flicked out to moisten her lips in a vain attempt to find an aftertaste of cool peppermint that would remind her of him.
“Are you hungry or are you by chance thinking of me?”
Her head shot up and she jerked so hard that she nearly pushed the mouse off the desk with her right hand, while the flames inside her soared high in alarm.
“For heck’s sake, will you finally stop doing that?”
Joshua was standing in front of the desk, looking handsome as the devil and holding onto a duffel bag slung over one shoulder.
The intense gaze with which he devoured her matched the timbre of his voice a moment ago, full of sensual innuendo shooting straight to the fire core inside her belly.
“I don’t think I will,” he teased. “I like sneaking up on you.”
She crossed her arms and arched one eyebrow.
“Oh yeah? Do you also like being burned alive? Because I swear if you don’t stop, I will turn you into cinder soon.”
It drained the humor right out of his face. He scowled at her and stepped closer.
“Very funny. I’m not stopping precisely because of that reason. I can afford to startle you until you learn to be alert. You’re not going to turn me into a human torch, but you might do it to some unsuspecting mortal if I don’t keep at it.”
She sobered up too.
Great, did that mean she was in for some more patronizing lecturing? How much more efficient and interesting were the lessons where he gave of himself instead of merely giving advice.
“Why are you here?”
He tilted his head, and the grin was back.
“Why? Don’t you like it when I visit you?”
She gave it a moment’s thought and wasn’t surprised when the answer found its way out.
“I do. But that isn’t your reason, is it?”
His expression grew unreadable again. After opening his bag, he piled several books on her desk.
“Like the obedient citizen I am, I came to return the books I borrowed.”
Disappointment knotted in her stomach, but she ignored the feeling. He was playing cool and hard to catch again. Well, she was hot enough for both of them, wasn’t she?
“Perfect. And like the professional librarian I am, I can’t let you go without new reading material. We had some wonderful books brought in that I am sure you’d enjoy. Would you let me show them to you?”
She was totally unpracticed at flirting, but tried to make her voice sound enticing and promising. The fire inside her knew what to do. It crept into her eyes, spread to the tips of her hair, and made her red finger nails glow. Today was the first time she had given in to her desire and painted her nails in a fiery color, not caring one bit that it didn’t match her demure librarian’s uniform. His body tensed, and despite her own heat, she felt and saw the cold shivering in the air around his body, like a mirage shimmering over an asphalt road on a sweltering hot summer day.
“I’m not a man who keeps a woman from her duty,” he replied, his tone as flirtatious as hers, his eyes sparkling between the impossible turquoise blue of a Canadian lake and the grey of polished silver jewelry.
When she got up and walked through the row of rooms toward the final, smallest one where they had once discovered each other, every nerve in her body was tingling with anticipation. She could feel his gaze on her like cool fingers brushing over her sensitive skin. The dragon inside her extended and withdrew its claws like a cat kneading its owner when it received blissful attention. The tip of its tail twitched in anticipation, and the temperature inside her climbed up the ladder in record speed.
She wanted him.
It was as simple and as complicated as that.
She might not love him yet, but it was useless to fight against the desire she felt for this fascinating man, the only one who could ever be right for her.
At the back of the room, surrounded by book shelves on three sides, she stopped without turning around. Her pulse was racing and her breathing had sped up. When she concentrated and exercised pressure, the fire inside her crawled up and swept over her skin until she was aglow amidst the books, like a human-sized firefly filled to the brim with energy and want. Turning around slowly, she hoped her eyes were glowing the way she wanted them to.
The hungry and appreciative look she received from him fuelled the flames until she was afraid they could never be stoked. She wanted to walk up to him and sate her physical need for him, but he held up a hand as white as snow. By now, she was so filled with fire and longing she felt close to bursting, vibrating, humming, with it. He took a deep breath, his eyes not straying an inch from her face. The white, cold mist swarmed over his body much in the way the barely visible flames clung to her silhouette. When he shrugged his shoulders, it slithered off him. A big hand formed. Frowning with concentration, he made it split into two hands. On a whisper from him, they sailed through the air toward her.
She stood rigid, desire coiling inside her like a snake waiting to pounce and feast. The hands of icy mist, not too cold when they collided with her heat, stroked over her hair. The feather-light touch barely unsettled her curls, but sparks zinged through her body. One misty hand laid itself against her throat, pressing first softly and then harder, much as if she were tying a silk scarf around her neck too tightly. For a second, she was acutely aware of the possibility that he could exert more pressure and strangle her.
The dragon inside, growing with each shaky breath she took, grinned and twitched its tail harder, the thorny ridges on it gleaming like tiny knives. The other hand of mist wandered lower and brushed over one breast, receiving an instant reward when its sensitive tip reacted to the magical touch through the fabric of bra and blouse.
Both of them moaned in unison.
It broke the spell.
In three long strides, she was in front of him, gripping the lapels of his black leather jacket and lifting herself to her toes to press her lips against his.
For God knew how long, they were locked into bliss, neither daring to let their hands stray to explore, knowing it would take them too far along a road better not taken then and there.
When the fire dragon inside her flapped its wings so fast and hard that she feared it might fly right out of her body, she withdrew. It was painful to break the contact with his lips. She had never understood the crazy desire that some protagonists in books felt for each other, and that made them behave totally out of character, but now she knew how close to the truth even the most incredible stories were.
Lowering her head, she shielded herself behind the veil of her hair, still faintly glimmering like embers reluctant to turn to ashes. He stepped back, one, two, three reluctant paces. There was no sound coming from him. No skidding heartbeat, no ragged breathing. Three steps away and yet at the other end of the world, he was as rigid and silent as a statue while collecting himself, whereas inside her it was all sizzling and growling and twitching disappointment. If kissing unsettled her balance—and pleased her dragon—so much, would they ever be able to progress? One more reason to listen to his constant advice and take control of the whole thing. Wasn’t she otherwise standing in the way of her own happiness?
As soon as she thought she had calmed down enough, she asked, “Honestly, why are you here?”
When she looked up at him, he was rubbing his temples in a tight circular movement as if battling a sudden onset of headache.
“I want another lesson. A practical one.”
“Here? Now?”
She raised her eyebrows skeptically. Surely h
e couldn’t mean it? He nodded, walked over to a corner bookshelf and had the cheek to sit down cross-legged right there on the carpet, leaning against the shelf.
“I want you to tame your little dragon. Last night’s escapade shouldn’t be repeated.”
How could he sound so calm while talking such nonsense? She was near to freaking out now.
“Are you mad? Here, in the middle of all the books, at my workplace? Where any minute, somebody could walk in and discover us?”
The hint of a grin tugged at one corner of his mouth.
“A moment ago, you weren’t all that panicky at the thought of being discovered, even though you did something forbidden.”
She had to fight not to scream.
“That was totally different.”
“No, it wasn’t. Both is about control. Everything is about control.”
The rising panic made her flop down next to him, also crossing her legs, her eyes darting around as if she expected her boss or a customer to jump out at any moment.
“You are mad. What if a mistake like last night happens? What if I burn the bloody library down?”
As usual, his veneer of calm was unperturbed. He leaned forward, his voice a precise half-whisper which made her realize that with all her shouting, she was contra productive to her wish of not being discovered.
“Maybe I am mad. But I can’t think of any better way to handle this. Apparently, you aren’t prepared to accept how serious this all is and how right I am to drill you on control. So, we’re doing this the hard way. Keep in mind: You could be discovered, you could cause the books to burn, and you could lose your job. That should be enough to have a firm grip on yourself and reign your fire in. With so much at stake, I hope you won’t let the fascination and yearning take over again. If this isn’t enough motivation to keep the upper hand, I don’t know what is.”
She swallowed. Damn the man and his irrefutable, twisted logic! He was correct, of course. There was nothing better to make her stay alert and focused than the fear she was feeling.
“What do you want me to do, Master?” she bit out, seething inwardly, although her mind recognized the genius of the idea.
She earned a chuckle.
“Good girl.”
He took a deep breath, put both his palms flat on his thighs and looked right into her eyes.
“You don’t know your dragon well enough yet. Go inside yourself and familiarize yourself with it. The more you know about it, the better you’ll be able to control it.”
Miraculously, her mind wanted to concentrate on the task at hand, eager to experiment despite the lingering fear dangling over her head like the Sword of Damocles.
“What do you mean? How I am supposed to do that?”
He frowned.
“I don’t know. Have you tried silently talking to it?”
A nervous giggle escaped.
“Are you asking me to talk to myself? Am I not crazy enough as it is?”
He grinned, reached out unexpectedly and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Crazy as a coot.”
This easing of tension felt fantastic. And yet, she wanted to go ahead. Once again, the talking and theory bored her much too fast.
“Yes, I guess I am indeed asking you to talk to the other side of yourself, to your alter ego. Find out who it is, what it wants, what it likes, how it responds to what.”
She bit her lip, once more realizing how much sense he made if she were honest.
“And what are you going to do?”
With an undefinable emotion sparkling in his icy eyes, he replied, “I’ll sit here and watch you. It’s my favorite pastime.” As an afterthought, he added, “And I’ll be double alert. Remember that no matter how intriguing and empowering it will feel to delve deeper into the fire core inside you, you cannot let it out of your grasp.”
Now it was her turn to take a deep breath and lay her palms on her legs. She was so not ready for this… but she wanted this.
Closing her eyes, she turned her attention onto the dragon inside her. Its tiny ears were pointing up as though it had been listening with interest. For the first time, she wondered whether it was like a sentient, intelligent…being...that could hear and understand. She knew it had feelings and enjoyed and wanted certain things, maybe not unlike an embryo connected intimately to its mother but locked inside the womb which prevented it from belonging to reality. It looked bigger than last night, more like a dragon, more beautiful. With its nearly solid body shimmering in yellow and orange and red like a mass of flames coalesced into a predestined shape, it was in fact the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
Now how the hell was she supposed to talk to it? It had no name. It couldn’t speak, could it? How were they supposed to communicate?
Out of the blue, a thought formed inside her head as if somebody had reached in and planted it there.
I am here. Always.
A gasp escaped her when she understood and looked at the fire dragon in a new light. It was wrong to treat it like a thing or a mere animal. This was a female dragon, like she was a woman. It could convey a message and exist not only with her but also apart from her.
As soon as she was conscious of the thought, the fire dragon glower brighter. It rose to its feet and stretched its limbs languidly, looking as gangly and yet as confident as a teenage girl. Gone was the naïve baby from the night. This was a beauty in the making, an ugly duckling preparing to transform itself into a stunning swan.
Had it placed the thought into her head, tired of being a mere "it"?
So, that meant she didn’t have to speak. It was enough to think, and have it answer silently inside her mind.
What do you want?
She let the question resonate inside her, half frightened at what the answer would be.
The dragon flapped its wings and craned its neck and stretched on its toes, straining upward, toward her—or toward escaping her body. There was an image flickering through her head of last night when the fire had flown free.
“No!”
She hadn’t been aware of speaking out loud, but she must have, because a cold hand rested on top of her trembling fingers.
“Felicia?”
Blinking, she stared at Joshua with wide eyes, the pulse in her throat hammering.
“It wants out.”
She felt his body tense the way it always did when he was on his guard or experiencing a negative emotion.
“Let it out. But first make as sure as you can that the dragon knows it can’t give in to its fiery nature. Let it feel your fear, and use it to keep it on a sort of leash. I had my power under close to perfect control when I was so afraid after the…incident…with the boy.”
He spoke urgently, as if this were a matter of life and death she had to understand. And perhaps it was.
But wasn’t this wrong, to let her fear shine through? Shouldn’t she instead take a powerful stance to be in control? God, it was confusing. And she was scared.
After another deep gulp of air, she closed her eyes again and focused on the dragon. Its flames were dancing around its body in anticipation. Oh yes, it sure wanted out. Instinctively, she sought to use images and emotions to get her message across. She imagined being caught by her boss and losing her job and not finding another one to be able to support her living. There was no hint that the dragon understood her. Its wing flapping merely grew more impatient and stoked the flames dancing inside her.
She imagined a customer entering the room and seeing a small dragon formed of fire fluttering around. She pictured the shocked reaction, the screaming and the automatic fear and hatred of the red-haired, mad woman or witch who was causing the forbidden spectacle. The dragon shifted its weight, blowing some smoke tendrils out through its nostrils. Was it becoming wary?
As a last straw, she focused on what caused the most fear inside her, which strangely wasn’t how people would react to her, but causing an actual fire. She shivered when she imagined the innumerable boo
ks catch fire, sensing that part of the irrational fear was the secret knowledge she would enjoy feasting on the fire, but at the same time feel guilty for destroying something valuable. Interesting, wasn’t it, that people’s opinion or being jobless and penniless didn’t instil as much fear inside her as the thought of getting a taste of her own power? How warped.
The dragon’s enthusiastic flapping of wings and readying of claws had subsided somewhat. Clearly, it did feel her fear and was unsettled by it. Silently, putting force behind it, she thought to herself: I will let you out, but you have to listen to me. We cannot let these things happen. There’s so much to be afraid of.
Before she was sure whether her message had been delivered, the dragon shook itself and leapt. There was a moment of near unconsciousness, before her eyes were wide open and staring at the fiery shape that had wound its way out of her body.
After a gasp, she followed the dragon with her gaze when it propelled itself high up until it barely touched the ceiling. From there, it stared down at them, stationary in the air like a grotesque hummingbird glowing with flames whose heat radiated.