Two days later, woman and dragon alike felt like purring with satisfaction when the library door opened sharp at 1.30 pm and Joshua strolled in, his casual pose contrasted by the hungry look glimmering in his eyes when he stared straight at her.
Don’t jump up. Don’t jump up. Don’t show him how happy you are, and don’t let him think you missed him.
She repeated the mantra inside her head until he had reached her desk, still wordless and still with that stare full of need.
Oh, to hell with it.
Before he could say a word, she was out of her chair and had thrown herself at him. Her lips found his in a searing kiss that went to the root of every single hair on her body, and caused a rush of heat which was matched by the cold emanating from him. The icy fingers of one hand pressed against the small of her back and drew her closer while his other hand clasped the back of her neck.
For a moment, nothing else mattered.
When they stepped back at the same time, short of breath, he chuckled. “I missed you too, even though the memories are vivid.”
It took her a second to recover from the impact of the kiss and the way his voice sent the flames into a near frenzy. Had he told her he had missed her? Wow!
Scanning the room for any unwelcome onlookers, Felicia tugged a lock back behind an ear, the rest of her curly mane tied up in a ponytail to match her conservative outfit of pressed cream-colored cotton trousers and a white lace top. A quick glance from under her lashes told her that once again, he had opted for black. At least the leather trousers—which she would have hated on any other man but which gave him a vampire-cum-rocker-cum-biker look that was way too sexy—were black. The T-shirt was a startling contrast of bottle green, hugging his lean, fit frame.
Focus, focus.
“Why do you always wear black?”
Great first sentence, and in no way connected to his statement that the dragon was still happily glowing about.
He had missed her!
With a grin, he perched on the edge of her desk, clearly unworried that her boss or a customer might find him like this and take offense. She gave herself a mental nudge and returned to her chair to shut down the computer for her lunch break.
“I’ve found it balances my ice best. If I wear white or the cool blue shades with a high content of white in them, it strengthens my powers and makes it more uncomfortable to reign them in. If I chose warm colors, on the other hand, I feel irritated because they clash with my cold side. Black is the ideal choice. It combines power and confidence with a sense of things locked up and a serious attitude.”
She frowned and digested the information. That did make sense. And it was probably why she loved red clothes but had always felt too hyped up by them without realizing it. She wondered what effect warm colors would have on her now that she was in control, and how annoying cold colors might feel. The words tumbling out of her mouth spoke of a different speculation, though.
“If warm colors are enough to irritate you, how come you can stand to be within an inch of me?”
His frown mirrored hers. He was thinking about this instead of spitting out whatever might have been on the tip of his tongue.
“That’s a valid question. I’ve been asking myself the same and can’t figure out an answer. There has always been an irresistible pull toward you since that night. And it’s getting stronger and stronger.”
They stared into each other’s eyes, the air around them filled with meaning. He pulled away first, rising and holding out a hand.
“Shall we have lunch?”
She pushed back her wanted feelings and unwanted thoughts, and wrapped her fingers around his, relishing the sizzle of current sparked by their touch.
Around 40 minutes later, they were walking back from a pizzeria, silent but content. Joshua was holding a water bottle in one hand that miraculously never lost its hazy film of miniscule water droplets speaking of its coldness, occasionally taking a swig out of it. His other hand was holding hers, and she felt disproportionately happy about it. Never before during her failed attempts at a relationship had she wished to hold hands, let alone tried it. At the moment, it was the right thing to do, and she never wanted to stop again.
Felicia had spent the better part of her lunch break talking, although she had wolfed down a spicy seafood pizza with extra pepperoni while he had indulged in an enormous bowl of salad and an extra helping of ice-cream. She had filled him in on her progress with the dragon and with controlling her fire power.
Ever the attentive listener, he had asked the right questions, not missing a single detail, but not making any comments. His coolness had wavered only once, when she had described rescuing the girl from the burning house and facing an interrogation by the police. Now, remembering the look that had crossed his face and lingered for a long time in his eyes, she automatically pressed his fingers tighter. Something about the unreadable expression didn’t sit well with her, but as usual, she was unable to define why. Not for a moment had she thought of asking him about his days, assuming his work was top-secret, and knowing she’d end up giving herself away with a jealous remark or inquisitive prying like a love-sick teenager.
Walking side by side and imagining him and her on a hike, though, she was filled to the brim with things she wanted to ask. With a forced casual tone, she forayed ahead.
“The next time you go away, prepare yourself for a zillion SMS onslaughts because this time I’m not going to fake shyness and will ask you for your number.”
Her grin was lopsided because deep down she wasn’t as confident as she wished. Strange that although she was much surer of herself now, he still made her insecure. Hadn’t she read about it in some magazine or other, that women always valued themselves less because they tried so hard to fulfil their partner’s expectations?
His answer stopped her in her tracks. “That’s going to be difficult because I don’t have a mobile phone.”
“What?” She rounded on him, fully expecting a joke, but his face was serious and a tad sheepish.
“Well, I do, but it’s strictly for work and nobody knows my number apart from a handful of colleagues and my superior.”
She shook her head, eyes still wide.
“Are you living in the Middle Ages or are you a total technic fool, or why else have you decided against a mobile phone, or better yet, a useful smartphone?”
He made a dismissive sound as though thumbing his nose at the remark.
“The technical wonders of today are nothing when you know how to handle them.”
His aloofness was back, and she itched to break through it. Interest in his explanation made her keep quiet, though. Sure enough, it followed.
“I don’t need a mobile. There’s nobody I’d like to keep in touch with. No family. No friends. Nothing to follow on the internet and no games to get addicted to.”
He said it quietly, but did she sense some hurt lurking behind the statement? Or was that her own hurt shining through because her situation was exactly the same? No family and no friends who’d need a mobile number to stay in touch. She might carry around her phone and be proud of its fiery red case and many features, but truth be told, it wasn’t needed. Off and on, Cindy would send her an SMS. Her boss had her number, of course. So did her parents and her sister. Neither of them ever called. Her perpetually silent mobile was mocking her at times, and here she was looking down on somebody whose decision made much more sense.
Only then did it register that there was no way to contact him the many times when he’d vanish on a job task or the other. Why couldn’t they be psychic as well as gifted and exchange thoughts? However, having him be able to read her thoughts wasn’t desirable, as close to him as she wanted to get and as much as she believed she loved him. He valued his privacy. Hers was dear to her too, because she had been lonely for so long she preferred being on her own. Besides, she had her dragon now, didn’t she?
For an instant, an absurd idea shot through her head that she might send a message through her drago
n if she wanted to get through to him, but she almost laughed out aloud at the foolishness of it. Her companion was no carrier pigeon—and a bond like the one between her and Joshua didn’t need mobile phones, did it?
His voice shook her awake to reality, where the grip of his hand had tightened.
“What about you? You don’t strike me as a social butterfly or a compulsive gamer or someone who’s constantly glued to their phone.”
He knew her well. She was none of the three, of course, and that was just as well.
“Uh, I guess you could say my phone is an accessory, a need-have and want-have, but not a must-have.”
“At least it keeps you in touch with your family, doesn’t it?”
Her throat went dry, and the dragon inside her twitched its ears and snorted. Discomfort? Suspicion? Neither? Both?
“How would you know? Maybe they live around the corner, and I see them regularly?”
He snorted derisively, and his voice was icy when he replied.
“Don’t underestimate me. How many more times do I need to tell you that I’m an investigator, and that I excel at my job? I have done my homework regarding you.”
Her cheeks stung as if he had slapped her.
Why did it nettle her that he had researched her background? Or was she angry because he had kept silent about that so far? Then again, they hadn’t talked about these personal things before, had they?
Trying hard to keep the flames at bay and stick to rational thoughts instead of unbidden emotions which wouldn’t lead her anywhere, she said as calmly as she could, “Then your question wasn’t necessary or your research wasn’t thorough enough. Because I don’t use my phone to keep in touch with them, nor do I use any other methods.”
She hadn’t realized it, but they had arrived at the library and were standing in front of its big, ornately carved double door, loitering as if she didn’t have to return to work inside the historical building in a few minutes.
A familiar bitterness filled her. Thinking of her family, so much better than her and so much better off without her, dampened her spirits. This time, however, the feeling was slightly muted. A bitter aftertaste in her mouth, as if the pill had long been swallowed and should have been forgotten by now. Was she less upset about her lack of familial bonds because the man standing beside her and the dragon living inside her made her aware she did belong to someone and had some sort of kin? Could it be that for the first time in her life, she didn’t pretend she was all right with being alienated from her family, but actually felt okay with it?
His thumb was drawing slow circles on her wrist against the hammering pulse.
“You aren’t close to them.”
“No.”
She sounded…not as sad or frustrated as she could have been.
“They are not like me, and I am not like them. I’ve never had a sense of belonging,” she added.
For a second, the hypnotizing movement of his thumb stopped before it began its tight, cold circles again, swirls of tiny flames throbbing in response underneath her skin.
“Do you look like your parents?”
This made her think, which in turn made her forget after an instant that his voice sounded strange somehow.
“Funny you should ask. I don’t. Not at all, in fact. My sister looks like our father, but she has our mother’s voice and smile. I remember how everyone went on and on about my red hair because even generations back, neither side had ever been blessed—or cursed—with a redhead. There’s my unusual eye color, of course, which is only logical to me, as I know about my inner fire.”
Somewhere deep down, a chain reaction had been set in motion by his innocent question. As if a domino had been tipped over and was now in turn making the pieces after it fall down one by one toward an inevitable, invisible end.
The stroking had stopped. She felt his fingers tightening their hold on her hand again, and when she looked up into his face, her breath hitched. There was something about it that set her on edge.
“Felicia… Has it ever occurred to you that you might be adopted?”
The breath she had held escaped in a rush. Inside her, the fire dragon was as alert as a guard dog after a suspicious sound.
With his remark, the last domino piece fell with a hollow thunk.
Of course. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? No physical resemblance, no instinctive connection, and no real effort on her parents’ side to win back the daughter lost to them. Her sister always being preferred. Her own unwillingness to become a part of the family. It added up to exactly what he was hinting at, didn’t it?
She swallowed and looked away from his piercing gaze, staring unseeingly into the distance while a movie of scenes from her past flickered past her inner eye. It was entirely plausible. But why had she never been told?
There was so much to say, so much to think about, but what slipped out of her mouth was curiously the most important thing.
“So, you mean you and me are both orphans?”
This time, her gaze was searching his, and he was looking away.
“Yes,” he said, and in the one word lived a whole world of possibilities.
She had to make an effort not to sound too enthusiastic.
“Do you think… do you think it is a key to our secret talents? That we are some special species’ offspring given away to live among normal mortals?”
Her remark had his gaze shoot right back to her face, a mix of expressions flittering across his taut, pale, handsome face.
He raised his eyebrows.
“Steady, steady, where are those horses cantering off to? I was saying it might be possible, and here you are, stumbling over your own thoughts to jump to some kind of mysterious conclusion.”
He chuckled, which infuriated her so much she pulled her hand away, instantly regretting the loss of spark-loaded connection.
“Haha, funny. And why the hell shouldn’t I? You keep sitting on your high horse, to use your metaphor, and try to teach me, but I’m still waiting for you to come up with any kind of explanation. Do you never feel the need to find out whether there are more of our kind? Where we come from? Where we can go? Why we are special? What our destiny is?”
She was quivering with her passion for the subject, the one thing that drove her so hard toward finding out more about herself and toward mastering her power.
“What if we’re meant to have a fate like those mutants in X-Men? Shouldn’t we try to develop and use our gifts to the benefit of others, or associate with those who are similar and form a family of our own? Heck, maybe if people like us exist, there are parallel worlds and magical realms and what-not to be discovered while we keep ourselves meek prisoners in a boring life just for the sake of fitting in?”
At least he wasn’t laughing at her anymore. She wasn’t sure she liked the stern, worried look on his face any better than the mocking, though. Spilling her heart to him hadn’t been the plan. Truth be told, she hadn’t known she felt about this so strongly until she had let it out.
With a frown on his face, he placed both hands firmly on her shoulders, and spoke with a hurtful precision and conviction.
“I can see how important this is to you, but let me tell you one thing. I don’t have the answers to this, and I’m not looking for them either. I don’t believe in an army of mutants or a clan of mythical, half-human creatures or a second reality. I know who and what I am, and it’s enough for me. I’m no superhero. I don’t want to be one. And if you ask me, I don’t think you should either. Why do you need that knowledge? What would you do with it? Would it help you if there was some master plan or some powerful origin?”
She trembled from the force of his words which clashed with the force of her burning desires. Goddamn his logical approach and his eternal coolness! With a couple of calming breaths, she fought for control.
“I don’t know,” she answered at last. “I want to know. And I want a different life from the one I’m leading.”
Pain slashed acros
s his features. Lightning-fast, his lips pressed down on hers in a hard, needy kiss before he stepped back, his hands lingering on her shoulders with their cold, reassuring pressure.
“You and I are together now. Isn’t that special enough? In the end, it doesn’t matter whether these two people are your parents or not, whether there are a hundred others as different as us or whether we could influence the way of life. Concentrate on yourself, on your happiness. Concentrate on your life and not the others. None of the superheroes in the comics and movies are ever happy. They’re weirdoes who are always in danger of being caught and hauled off for experiments, risking their life for I don’t know whose sake. I don’t want that.”
Clearly, he was baring his soul as much as she had bared her own. And it didn’t matter that they thought and felt differently. What mattered was that he spoke of them and their happy life together. Wasn’t he right?
Licking the lips carrying his minty taste, and wanting more, she forced down the retorts crowded up in her throat. Quick to light up and burn, she ran out of air to fuel the flames equally fast.
Her mind was whirring with his words, and she had no idea what she wanted at the moment. She only knew she needed him, needed to be together with him.
“If you don’t want that, what do you want?” she asked, her voice shaky.
His eyes were a bright, deep, sparkling whitish blue, like a glacier lake with hidden depth and coolness which could pull you under.
“I want you. Is that not enough? Am I not enough for you?”
Her heart sang, her dragon wanted to soar high, and yet somewhere at the back, the flames were ever hungry for more.
“What about me? Am I enough for you?” she wanted to know, dreading his answer.
Looking her straight in the eyes, he nodded. Once. Twice.
She’d settle for that as a declaration of love.
A satisfied smile formed on her lips, cut off by her bridging the short distance and kissing him with as much force as he had kissed her moments ago.
“I guess I’ll have to settle for being your heroine, won’t I?”
She wondered at the flirty tone of her voice and the way she craved to have more than this kiss. How could he hold such power over her when she should be busy latching onto the half-hatched plans and unfulfilled wishes inside her instead? Was this was love meant, to make compromises, and to know what was enough and to be content with it?
He mirrored her grin and pulled her tightly against him before letting her go abruptly and falling back into his mask of distant, cool behavior. With a hint of humor in his silky voice and a glint in his eyes that were turning a shade of grey with blue highlights, he said, “And you’ll get a chance soon, I bet. Expect me at your house tomorrow morning, dragon mistress.”
He turned and strode away briskly, hands in his pockets, back ramrod straight, taking a piece of her with him. She shook her head and grinned ruefully, biting down on her lips before she could call after him. What on earth had he planned for tomorrow? Simmering with steady-burning curiosity was what she’d need to carry her through the rest of the working day and keep her from focusing on the deeper matters that were better off in a corner of her mind where they wouldn’t disturb her.
Wasn’t it tell-tale that it had taken a man like him to look forward to waking up the next day when she had never done so for more than two decades? And wasn’t it lamentable that despite her special fire magic, she needed a man like him to feel whole?
Chapter 15