Poems From My Life
By Macy Grace
Copyright 2014 Macy Grace
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Table of Contents
Dreams
Feelings
Exist
Model Thin
Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Mollie
Friends Don’t Always Last (Carlos’ Poem)
Suicide
Drawings
Collage
Can You Hear It?
Dreams
I was six when I danced amongst the stars
Leaping, turning and jumping,
From star to star,
From planet to planet.
I was seven when I became a doctor.
Helping those in need,
Grieving for the families,
And honouring those who had been taken away.
I was eight when I became a chef.
Working at an expensive restaurant,
Learning from the greatest, Gordon Ramsey, and Rachel Ray.
I was nine when I saved my country.
Joining the Marines,
And protecting the land that had given me freedom.
I was ten when I became a fighter.
Boxing had given me strength to face my fears,
It allowed me to win.
I was twelve when I became a mechanic.
Taking on a “mans” job,
Proving women can do it too
Breaking all stereotypes.
I was thirteen when I became a writer.
Gathering my thoughts
And feelings down for all to read,
To give me the chance to heal.
But all that changed,
When my life had gotten all strange.
Nothing was the same anymore,
Especially when my mom walked out the door
I was fourteen when I learned that everything I had become,
Everything that had been the foundation of who I am,
Was unachievable.
I was fourteen when I woke up.
I stopped believing,
Stopped reaching,
Stopped dreaming.
After all that happened,
I was taught by those who cared,
To love,
To live,
And to dream.
I was fifteen when I started believing.
I went back to allowing myself to be who I am,
To be whatever I want,
To think of the future.
I was sixteen when I went back to sleep,
Back to dreaming.
Feelings
Laughing
Crying
Smiling
Frowning
Happy
Sad
Safe
Scared
Whole
Broken
I don’t remember the days when I was happy. Happiness comes and then it’s washed out with sadness or anger or fear. Then the days I’m laughing will end with me crying alone in the dark. The wholeness I feel is turned into feeling broken. I have given up trying to make my ends met. Tired of trying to feel like I belong in a world where I feel so out of place and lost. I’m alone and no one can understand how to help me. If only there was a way.
Home
Lost
Apart
Ostracized
Normal
Weird
Popular
Alone
Alive
Dead
Exist
For those who are alive in the world, you don't realize the struggles real people have. You can laugh and joke around. They can't. You don't have that everlasting thought in your head; "will I be here tomorrow? Will I have drowned in my own sorrows or demons? Will I still exist?" You live in this constant fear of waking up dead the next day. That fear slowly but surely starts to engulf you. It starts to eat you from the inside out, devouring every little piece of your sanity. Soon you have no feelings, and you feel like you’re going to go crazy. You push everyone away. You want to be safe. You want to be alone in your mind, dealing with it your own way. But you can't. You can't deal with it in your own way. You start to cut and you pour your anger out from your arm or your leg. Soon you give up. Decide that everything will be better without you; so you leave. You wake up dead the next day. Dead and numb to everything and everyone. If you’re lucky. Some actually do wake up dead. And that’s when you realize, "I've never existed." So those that are alive... Do you exist? Are you alive?
Model Thin
100 calories hit my mouth.
Chew
Chew
Chew
Chew
Chew
Swallow
How can they eat this?
12 o'clock
3 o'clock
6 o'clock
9 o'clock
10 bites of this
5 bites of that.
500 total calories in this meal
"I'm done."
They ignore me
20 steps to the bathroom
Faucets on
400 calories enter the toilet
Flush
Rinse
Air Freshener
Up the stairs
On the treadmill
Run
Run
Run
I'll be model thin soon
Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Shush dear child
You can’t speak a word
Even if you could
You wouldn’t be heard
The Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Fills the dark, silent room
Whispers in your ears
And speaks of a horrible doom
Sadness has filled your heart
Kept you awake in the dead of night
You fear all that walks in the dark
You’re tired of putting up a fight
You always sit and stare
Out the window on a cold day
And think about what it’s like
To be a bird and fly away
The Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Fills the dark, silent room
Whispers in your ears
And speaks of a horrible doom
Listen to the sounds of
The Mocking Birds in the morning
The way they scream
Gives you a warning
Run for cover
Hide from the pain
Keep silent
Don’t you dare cry in the rain
The Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Fills the dark, silent room
Whispers in your ears
And speaks of a horrible doom
A glass of whiskey in hand
He stands outside your door
You wonder if he knows you’re there
Pray beloved child, that you will be ignored
Don’t make a sound
Don’t be heard
If you can’t be silent
You will be interred
Oh precious child, please be silent
Turn your voice off
Those blankets will not protect you
They can be doffed
Poor cherished child
You couldn’t keep still
&nb
sp; He’s coming to find you
Did you hear the Mocking Birds shrill?
The Sweet Sweet Lullaby
Fills the dark, silent room
Whispers in your ears
And now you have met your doom
Mollie
Fear creeps into my throat
Panic fills my heart.
I run down the alley,
The sounds of my footsteps echo down the empty path.
I slip behind the dumpster.
Press myself flat against it,
My chest heaving,
Gulping for a breath,
The cold air burning my throat.
I hear a loud thud,
A booming scratchy voice
Mollie, we know you're here
Mollie, don’t hide
My blood freezes,
And dread sweeps through my body.
I don’t dare to move
To peak out from behind my safety spot
I swallow my fear,
Crouch closer to the dumpster.
I hear the voices from behind me,
Whispering,
Plotting,
Scheming,
Calling my name,
Mollie, come out
Come talk to us.
We can help you.
We miss you.
I freeze,
Not allowing myself to move,
To blink,
To breathe.
With my eyes closed shut,
I silently pray over and over
Suddenly it gets quiet;
I slowly open my eyes,
I creep from behind the dumpster
Look left,
Look right.
The coast is clear.
There is the end of the alley,
100 feet from where I am.
I can make it.
If I run I can make it.
I take a few deep breaths,
Trying to calm my nerves.
Before I have another chance to think,
To decide against it,
I take off toward the end.
The sounds of my feet seem to be like an earthquake,
Echoing and pounding through the alley.
Half way there and I was going strong.
I'm going to make it,
I'm going to be free.
Ear- piercing cries fill my ears.
Terror quickly enters my body.
I push faster.
Heavy feet pound down the path,
THUD,
THUD,
THUD,
They call to one another,
And to me
Mollie, you can't escape
Come back Mollie,
Come back.
Their growls vibrate through the ground.
Mollie,
We see you, Mollie.
You’re almost there Mollie.
I’m almost there.
I can almost smell the fresh air,
Almost touch the people.
A smile starts to build on my face.
Then in a swift motion,
The smile slides off as I hit the ground.
I feel their clammy hands around my ankles.
The exit starts to slip away.
No!
I kick at them,
Scream at them,
Let me go!
Let me go!
Let me go!
I look back at the exit.
I see all the people walking by,
Help me!
Help me!
Please help me!
No one stopped
No one heard
I keep resisting,
Keep fighting,
Keep kicking.
I won't let you take me!
I feel their hot breath on my back;
Their cold hands on my arms
The leader spoke,
We have you now Mollie.
We won’t let you go.
We will bring you back.
Her minions circle around me,
Getting closer and closer.
Their hands rise towards me,
Weapons glistening in their palms.
No!
My eyes shut.
Open your eyes Mollie,
Open your eyes.
Watch us help you.
Take this Mollie,
You can stay with us forever.
You can always come back.
My eyes betray me and open.
Faces form in the bright lights.
Pieces of cloth cover all but their eyes.
They hover over me,
Eyes staring down with…
Anger?
Pride?
Chains and ropes occupy their hands.
I open my mouth to scream.
My eyes snap open,
WOOP!
WOOP!
WOOP!
WOOP!
The alarms are going off.
No!
Let go of me!
Let me up!
Stop!
Stop!
Mollie, calm down.
Mollie, stop.
Hold her down.
She bit me!
Mollie, come back
Wake up Mollie.
Please, don’t hurt her
She’s my baby!
Mollie?
Strap her down.
Inject it into her now.
She’s a danger to others, Doctor.
She’s a bigger danger to herself. Give her a week in a padded cell.
Mom?
Mommy?
Mollie, can you hear me?
Mollie, are you there?
Mollie, wake up!
Mollie...
Mol...
M...
Friends Don’t Always Last (Carlos’ Poem)
Her eyes looked upon him
Fear set into her heart
Please don't leave
She whispered
Gripping his hands tighter
You can't leave me
We cannot part
He stared at her
With sadness in his eyes
He pulled his hands away in a blur
And walked away
She cried out
How dare you?
After everything,
How dare you?
He paused- one foot out the door,
One foot still in her heart
You promised you would never leave
Were all those promises fake?
Did you never care like you said you did?
You’re the only one that understands
You are the only one I have
He looked at her
Sadness in his eyes
And guilt on his face
He didn't want to tell her the truth
He knew she wouldn't be able to handle it
He knew her so well
It’s time for me to go
We’re over
Our friendship has died,
It died when you died
You don’t want to be alone,
You say you don’t,
But you push others away
You make yourself alone
All you know how to be is alone
Tears streamed down her face
He took her into a hug
Whispering into her ear
Sweet things
Kind things
Things to make her understand
We were friends for three years
You're an amazing friend
Very brave
Very strong
But it’s time for me to go
I have college to go to
Even if I don’t want to,
I’ll replace you
It’s ove
r
Its life
Maybe when you stop trying to be alone,
This will be fixed
She shoves him away,
Anger flashes in her face
Her heart beating fast
Thoughts running through her mind
I don’t want to be alone
I try to not be alone
You were there for me
When everyone else had left
You taught me how to be strong
You taught me how to be brave
You taught me how to carry on
You taught me how to be a better person
She rolled up her sleeves
Showed him each scar on her arm
This is when my mother moved
This is when my dad beat me
And this one is
And this one is
And this one is
She lifted her shirt
Pointing out scars on her stomach
This is when my mother called me fat
This is when my dance teacher called me thick
This is when I wanted to cut off my fat
To make myself skinny
She lowered her shirt
Raised her arm
And ran her finger down it
Drawing a new line
With each sentence
This one isn't here because you told me I wasn't alone
This one isn't here because you said my dad’s a douche
This one isn't here because you told me I was special
This one isn't here because you told me I was better than that
She lowered her arms
Captured his eyes with hers
I don’t have some scars because you taught me not to cut
I don’t have some scars because you cared
Because you said I was worth the effort of saving
She walked to him
With a smile on her face
She grabbed his face in her hands
You said I’m worth it
That I’m your best friend
That we’re family
And you don’t want to lose me
He shook his head
Pulling back,
Watching the smile drop from her face
What happened?
Some people are worth the effort and some aren't
After all I have done,
The will to help you died
Just like our friendship
Just like you
I couldn't help you
So I stopped caring
You aren't worth the effort anymore
You aren't worth the worry
His words hit her in the chest
She felt her lip quiver
Her eyes water
And felt her heart break into a million pieces
As he walked out the door
Walked out of her life
With one final glance at him
She whispered their secret message
A message just for them
Some people are worth melting for
Suicide
There goes the scissors
Right across my arm
The skin breaks and blood begins to flow
The blood shows the truth
Everyone can die