But like I always say
I've never asked for much
Just anything nice, kind words, a smile
any good things to come back my way
would be great
would be a surprise
I've never known true kindness
I live by karma, I believe in karma
to give what I'd love to receive
But out of my two lonely decades
of living here on this hell planet
if living is what it’s called
I've received very little in return
from this world, or it's people
I give all I am until I turn blue
just to be like God
and I try to appreciate every given moment
and every little thing
I see and hear
all the things around me
and I give praise
For being able to breathe
But lately I haven't been able
to breathe here
instead feeling like I’m being drowned
Attempt To Disappear
February.16.2004
a black painted lie
smudged upon the wall
the awkwardness of it all
the truth
fighting the game
life wasn't the same
all was just over
from now on it's true
the attempt was made
final jump over that edge
some blood was spilled
some hidden
threatening eyes kept staring
there were no more words to speak
it was out there for all to see
everything was damaged
it couldn't have hurt more
more blood to be spilled
there was no more pain to feel
just numbness
a third degree burn
there were no more feelings left to hurt
no one understood a thing
until everything just disappeared
Because Of Him, Who I Hate
March.08.2004
because of his selfish request of her
which she did not deny
grows inside of her now
a life that will be denied
what I quietly keep to myself
are the gut wrenching painful tears
a huge mistake, to me this is a very big deal
she holds this life inside of her
and she just wants it gone
she tells me in confidence as she drinks and smokes
I already knew just looking into her eyes
I honestly don't know how she feels inside
the strength and sensation of life
but I think she needs to think it through
instead of pretending it just doesn't exist
I think she needs to just think about her
instead of following some man’s rule
Forever, Sweet Thing
Feb.24.2004
You can, bleed from me.
Let it all drain.
Take away, my life.
Take my blood, from me.
Kiss me.
Whisper sweet things.
Lie to me.
If it will cause me, pain.
Don't let, me sleep.
Keep me awake,
with you.
Hold me,
hold me in your arms.
Don't drop me, please.
When I am boring and limp.
Don't just toss me, away.
Like some other dead or dying thing.
Press me to your own cold body.
Hold me to your own dead heart.
Keep whispering to me.
Let your last words, to me be.
"I'll love you forever, my sweet thing".
So don't drop me.
Don't forget me.
Do not replace me.
Only try.
To bring me back.
Lay me down.
Sweet thing.
Keep me warm.
Kiss me.
Live, some life without me.
But don't replace me.
Because you said, you loved me.
Forever, I'll be.
Your damned, sweet thing.
Facing The Haunted
January.04.2010
my mind is literally black - darkness
there are so many thoughts - no colour
i sit and stare at the walls - lost
what have i done - what have i become
what am i doing - wrong
why is there no sense - no happiness
i am smart - beautiful - humorous
all those great qualities i admire - i desire
but i sit alone, sleep alone, live alone - haunted
Dripping Tips
September.30.2003
the tips of my fingers
are black from this sin
they have started to drip
deep red blood from within
i've tried to forgive them
but it's too hard to forget
so i've started to wish things
that i know have only let
the darkness consume
Can't
February.19.2004
can't think of anything
can't defend myself
to you
can't keep trying, to pretend
it's all okay
when in reality, my reality
can't keep acting, pretending
when all i am
just darkness
emptiness
loneliness
they all look
they stare
they pretend, they pretend to listen, pretend to care
but if i died
sometimes
i wish i died
they would not care
i know, i know
i can see it
in their eyes
there is no emotion
no connection
i mean nothing
they stare at me
put me down with words
they laugh at me
because i am not them
i am not perfect
can't keep trying
so hard trying
making it all right
making it all good
living for everyone
living for everyone else
can't keep being
something other than myself
Don't Touch Me
Sept.17.2011
so cold is your touch
so many words unspoken
sitting at the surface
in just one glance
please don't touch me
as your touch is like ice
it burns on my skin
leaving scars within
your love is empty
i can feel every lie you've told
what leaves your lips
scares me to the bone
i once called you home
now please leave this place
looking at you makes my skin crawl
please don't touch me as you leave
Can Be Only Mine
July.24.2011
a distant cry
only whispers i can hear
my thoughts, my pains, my flaws
can be only mine
nothing to share, i'm too preoccupied to care
can't get too close
fighting, struggling
uphill battles, that are plainly imaginary
another language plagues me
even i don't understand
but maybe i was meant to be
someone
in a different time and place
but who am i to question this
to only try to keep on going, living
struggling and hearing my voices
Box
January.12.2002
&
nbsp; Inside a box.
Trapped inside.
No way out.
Nowhere to hide.
It's hard to breathe.
Nowhere to move.
Can't say a word.
Such a cruel world.
Useless feelings.
Stupid broken body.
Trapped inside.
With no way out.
My eyes cry tears.
My mouth screams fears.
Hearing nothing.
Useless emotions.
Stupid people.
Cruel world.
Nowhere to hide.
Trapped inside.
Inside this tiny box.
Horrid Occurrence
December.21.2010
You can't even look me straight in the eyes.
You've said such horrible things about me behind my back.
I was wondering, what happened to this love you had for me.
You used me, spit me out, then blamed me for everything that went wrong.
You make my stomach hurt thinking of you, I want nothing to do with you.
If this is love, if this is friendship, then I want to forever be alone.
I'm glad to not be walking on broken glass any longer, worrying I'll do something wrong.
I no longer have to shield who I am, just to be with you, that is not really love.
You can't even look me straight in the eyes.
Somehow your reaction points out the truth, that it was not one person who broke this.
Can't Quiet The Chaos
May.07.2004
quietly sitting, in the corner of the room,
dressed in black, dressed to be unseen.
quietly motionless, reading, thinking,
the words are so loud, in my head.
there is a lot of man kind chaos all around,
all surrounding, so many human voices,
so much screaming pain, so much going on.
i cannot quiet the chaos, there is too much noise in my head.
the words in so many languages buzz around me,
i can feel them stick to my skin, i feel trapped and cannot escape.
so much noise, so many words, i cannot quiet the chaos.
Broken And Numb
July.18.2011
numb, to the touch
i keep trying
to push my skin to experience
any sensation
sensual, pleasure
but i truly feel numb
emotionally, physically
so much more than can be explained
in a conversation to a friend
i know there would be no understanding
something is broken inside of me
How Can Two Ever Be One
May 01.2012
I sit in silence, slightly shaking from the intensity,
I'm in awe of the show unfolding before my hands.
I blame everything on him, just like I always have before,
it is him who will not accept me, or love me no matter the disagreement.
But how can I not think this is yet again all my fault,
my choices, my views, my actions, my pain, my jealousy, my silences…
Holding things against him, against men in general.
But in this reality, what really is there to expect,
my too high a expectations only shatters things before they begin,
but not before I fooled myself into falling in love and seeing my dreams come true.
Two different worlds, for real not just figuratively.
I have no idea how two souls are ever supposed to coincide.
Nothing To Stop
February.14.2004
There is not enough time
On any clock
To just suddenly stop
Me from being with you
There is not enough space
On this wide earth
To bring us to a stop
Just because of someone else
There is not enough air to breathe
Or tears of mine to be shed alone
Whenever I think back on
You saying you choose him over me
There is not enough time
On any clock
To stop me from running
To stop me from talking
To stop me from being with you
I've Lost Time
May.27.2012
it is deafening
the noise, the silence
this place in my head
i sit... sitting... waiting...
watching the hands on the clock
i look away, then back
i've lost time, i've lost more of me
there is so much going on
all around me, people talking
against so much chaos inside me
i sit... sitting... watching... waiting... thinking
there has to be more than this
this tormenting confusion
it is deafening in my head
i waited for so long to be here
why are the little things bothering me so much
why am i losing myself in this time
My Open
November.05.2002
My star that holds the sky up
The moon that cries at night
I can hold myself all alone
But that won’t get me a new life
A shining light inside of me
Brightens up all of my words
People sometimes hear me speak
But I always just end up hiding
I see things outside of me
And what other people don't
I am different and cleaner
Most people just don't care
My light that shines upon the earth
To be seen by anyone who seeks me
Is sometimes blocked out by the darkness
That keeps fighting the light inside of me
My star that holds the sky up
The moon that cries at night
I can hold myself all alone
But that won’t get me a new life
Masochist
January.17.2011
My definition of a masochist...
My mind wandered, aimlessly, through thoughts in my head, of nothing really in particular.
As if I was sitting on the bus on my journey to work day in and day out, mindlessly numb.
Instead I had a tattoo needle shredding the tender skin on the inside of my left arm.
Carving, igniting life into my body where there was only numbness to the touch, now marked by ink.
From the outside in, I feel like it was trying to change me, to become part of me.
Digging into my skin, cutting, sharp dragging motions, I felt pressure course through my extremities.
I wasn't nervous any more like I was earlier, I was content with the happenings.
I wasn't scared, but my palms were sweating and I wanted to whimper.
I could feel this man’s cool breath on my warm skin, I could feel his deep concentration.
I tried to focus on something, anything, but was failing, as streams of pleasure washed over me.
Because of my no reply to his question of surprise why I was showing no signs of pain.
I just quietly smiled to myself, thinking, if you only knew.
If Ever I Found Out
August.17.2004
If I ever find out,
who had torn me apart
I'd let them all know,
and I'd turn the sun blue
With all the pain inside,
I'd finally let it all out
I'd let the world know,
who tore me apart
There will be noises,
and I will be very loud
I'll scream my lungs out,
to fight to the top of the world
No more secrets,
no more secrets to hide
Into Those Eyes Is The Beginning
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August.17.2010
looking into your eyes
face open, searching for grace
innocence
starting from scratch
all over again
i'm so frustrated, i'm so damaged
i don't think i can do this
is it okay, to speak again
with so many prying eyes
they don't care, they only wish to control me
subdue me, take me and break me
create me into a monster
i'm so close to cracking
but i hold onto what it was like
looking into your eyes
i just want to start all over
make this all work out
but in this world so separated
big dreams are just fantasies
all i need is you, all i want is you
help me become me, and I'll make my way
back to you
back to looking into your eyes
Is Now
May.21.2002
tomorrow is now
as the clocks tick away
the darkness is coming
and i am blank as to what to say
tomorrow is now
surprising as hell
the truth is gone away
and there is nothing to tell
tomorrow is now
and yesterday is gone
what have you learned
and what have you gained
tomorrow is now
who do you love
who would you die for
and who is your forever
tomorrow is now
who can you really trust
are your friends worth your time
is your time spent well worth
tomorrow is now
have you really lived
did you remember to breathe
and did you mean it when you said "i love you"
tomorrow is now
what have you learned in this life
have you helped anyone out
or have you written down your heart