"Sometimes I'm so angry at all of you I could scream."
"I know, honey," Paul said lovingly, but Marrell was beside herself. She grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands.
"No, you don't! I just can't believe, Paul. I can't. Something is missing, and it's driving me crazy. I know I sin, and I know I don't have all the answers, but I just feel that God is holding me at arm's length."
She sat back now in utter defeat, and Paul stared at her. They had been talking off and on for two weeks, and still Marrell's heart raged on with grief and disbelief. Paul had no idea how to help her. He wished for a moment that Allen Post were there but then realized wishing for such things would be no help. He began to pray. Where the words came from he knew not, but he began to speak, and Marrell listened.
"Mary, do I make you feel that unless you come to Christ I won't love you anymore?"
"No," she said. But her voice was sad. "I thought that at one time-before you came home-but now I know better."
"You've told me that you believe that Jesus Christ is God's Son. Is that right?"
She nodded her silky blond head.
"And you've also told me that you know you're a sinner who needs a Savior."
"Yes."
"But you're afraid."
"Not exactly, Paul. I guess I would just call it a lack of belief. I don't know how much fear enters into it anymore. I used to be afraid of what God would ask of me, but I don't care any longer. If He'll just let me find Him, I'll do anything He wants." The defeat in her voice frightened him, but Paul went on.
"Mary, have you ever asked God to help you believe in Him?"
Marrell stared at her husband.
"Have you ever prayed and asked God to give you the belief?"
"No." Her voice was whisper-soft. "I didn't know I could. I thought I had to believe first."
Paul shrugged, feeling helpless in the face of his wife's confusion and pain. "I don't know for sure, Mary, but the Bible says that the very faith with which we believe comes from God. Why
121
don't you ask God to help you believe, honey? It wouldn't hurt to try."
Marrell stared at Paul for a few more seconds before her head fell back, and she looked high on the stone mantel. She didn't focus in on the rocks but mentally knelt at the throne of grace and asked God, her heart wide open, to help her believe.
All this time I've tried to find You on my own, but I can't. Please help my sin-filled, unbelieving heart. Please help me to believe.
The truth was suddenly so clear to her that it took her breath away. With a gasp she looked at her husband, her eyes wide.
"Oh, Paul! It's all so clear to me now. He died forme.Not just for you and Shay, but for me. Jesus Christ died for me, formysin." Paul's arms came around her, and he openly sobbed against her hair. Marrell clung to him. The girls had wanted to sleep in the loft above the living room, and Paul had never been so glad that he had said no. They were sure to have been right beside them if they had heard their tears.
"I believe You, Lord Jesus," she prayed as Paul held her. "I believe You died for my sins. Please take hold of me and never allow me to let go of You."
The tears would not be stopped. Lowering Marrell back against the pillows they had stacked up, Paul held her and let her cry. He felt like a limp rag. It was only too easy to understand how she must feel.
"I have peace," she finally whispered from where her head lay on his chest. "I'm so tired that I can't move, but I have peace at last."
"I never dreamed that God would rescue you before I went back," Paul admitted. "It makes it so much more bearable, Marrell-I can't begin to tell you."
"So much makes sense now. I mean, I've been listening to Pastor Timm for weeks, but so often I was completely confused. Now I can't wait to hear more."
"You'll have to call Shay."
"Oh, Paul," Shay's name was enough to make her sit up. "What time is it? Can I call now?"
"It's late." He looked at his watch. "After twelve. We'd better wait until tomorrow."
122
"Okay." She looked down at him and smiled. "She's going to tell me how long she's prayed."
Paul chuckled. "I'm sure you're right."
Marrell's face brightened again. "Let's get blankets and sleep here tonight."
"You're on. You get the blankets, and I'll stoke the fire."
Marrell was back before Paul finished, and just before he joined her back on the pillows, he opened the curtains over the huge picture window that sat to the right of the fireplace. The lights were off inside, and they could see that it was snowing. Paul slipped beneath the blankets and snuggled close to his wife. They watched the snow in silence.
"God's blessings will be just like that snow, Mary. If we're obedient, His blessings will come down on us like snowflakes in a blizzard. The girls will come to Him, and we'll be fruitful and please Him all our days on the earth."
"And then eternity with Him," Marrell added. Paul looked at her. "The peace is beyond anything I've ever known. I can't begin to explain."
There was no need. Paul knew just what peace she spoke of, his own having increased in the last few minutes as he knew his precious Marrell had humbled herself before God.
It's going to be easy to be on an unrealistic high over this, Lord,he prayed as he remembered a warning from his CO.Don't let us do that. Help us to have joy in You that goes deep enough to reach out to others, especially the girls.Paul fell asleep asking God to help him remember his responsibility as father and husband, and to save Mackenzie and Delancey.
While Paul and the girls watched, Marrell called Shay and the two spent some emotional moments talking on the phone. The girls sat quietly at the kitchen table and watched their mother. In truth, they were very happy for her. They didn't understand this horrible emptiness that she talked about, but even that day on the slopes and while they'd eaten lunch at the lodge, they could see she felt better about everything. They sat patiently watching it all until Shay had news of her own.
"Oliver proposed."
"Oh, Shay," was all Marrell could say.
123
"It was so romantic, Marrell," Shay went on, even though her voice wobbled. "It was Christmas Day at his folks'. Everyone had gone home, and he asked me to go for a walk. Since he'd already given me a gift, I never suspected a thing."
"Where were you?"
"In his folks' orchard. Oh, Marrell, I couldn't believe it. The moon was shining, and he put a diamond ring on my hand."
Marrell gasped in an effort to control her tears.
"Oliver proposed," she told the room's occupants, "and gave Shay a diamond."
This got the attention of the girls as nothing else could. They left the table and begged their mom to let them talk with Shay.
"Just a few minutes," Marrell warned as she handed the phone off.
Questions about the wedding date, her colors, and the ring, took several minutes. Paul, who would never have thought to ask such things, was rather stupefied. How did his 11- and 12year-olddaughters know about such things? He didn't know if they had ever even attended a wedding. He said as much to Marrell, who only laughed and called him a man.
Marrell eventually took the phone back and spent a few more minutes with her friend. Paul had to leave again for Germany on Friday of that week-just five days. It had been Marrell and Shay's plan not to see each other until after he left, but the changes in their lives were too special. Before she hung up, Marrell set a date to meet Shay for a brief breakfast on Wednesday morning, the last day of 1980. It was sure to be a time they would never forget.
124
Ten
Heidelberg
I can't believe how much there is to learn,Paul
wrote to Marrell at the end of March.Allen Postis unendingly patient with me. I wish I were as
patient. I ache to be home with you and the girls. I wait like
a schoolboy for each and every letter and then pore over your
words
a dozen times.
I've had several letters from Grandma. You can tell she's elated over our decisions for Christ, but she tells me she's been tired lately. Has she admitted that to you? She's got amazing fortitude for a woman her age, but since she's fallen twice in the last few months, I sometimes wonder how long she'll be in that house. It might help if she didn'thave all those little rugs everywhere. If you feel a need to see her, go. We'll manage it. Maybe you can make some suggestions about her taking it easy. See how she reacts to that on the phone. Let me know what you want to do.
The ladies' Bible study sounds great, and I'm so glad you have Shay at the office for fellowship. Has she had any offers on the business? Part of me wonders if she shouldn't hold off a bit. If it sells right before she and Oliver get married, that's a lot of change at one time. Ah well, God knows best, and I know Oliver will advise her. He wrote to me recently. The letter was very welcome, as the longer I'm here, the farther I feel from home.
Have the girls shown any interest in spiritual things? I know I ask this in every letter and during every phone call, but at times I feel so out of touch. Talking on the phone doesn'ttell
125
me what their faces are doing. You reported that their attitudes have improved about church attendance, and I am thankful. I've been praying about that for all three of you since I left.
The space between us-the miles, and even the hours on the clock-are still strong on my mind. Nothing has ever made me consider leaving the Army more than the thought of having to be gone from you again. I've never seriously considered it before, but how can a man lead his family from across an ocean? He can't. I don't know if I'll reenlist for '83 or not.
Paul sat back, thinking about what he'd just written. After being in the Army for 21 years, he'd been almost afraid to write those words, but now that he had said them, he realized how true they were. This might be the time to call it quits, and having admitted it, he hadn't found it as frightening to think about as he once suspected.
What would I do?was Paul's very next thought. No answers followed, but he knew that didn't mean he shouldn't consider the possibility. Before he could start to worry, he went back to the letter.
I'm thankful that I'll be back at the Presidio. It's an excellent posting, and if God does want me to retire, at least I could finish out in an area that's become familiar and comfortable for all of us. Are you looking forward to being back on base, Mary, or are you dreading another move? Don't overdo before I get there. We'll put it all together as we always have. And at their ages, the girls will be more help than ever.
I have leave coming, almost a month of days. I thought it might be fun to go to Tahoe in the summer. Don't tell the girls yet. I want to surprise them. Maybe we could go up for the Fourth of July and watch the fireworks on the lake. Let me know what you think.
It's late here, so I'll close now. Tell Micki to run hard in track and she'll make the team; tell D.J. that I failed a lot of math tests in my day too. It's now one of my better subjects, and she just needs to keep trying. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again, Marrell. The thought alone makes me dream about you.
Love to you and the girls,Paul
126
With those long legs of yours, Mackenzie, you should be running hurdles.It had been such an innocent remark on her mother's part, probably made six months earlier, but Mackenzie had not been able to get it out of her head. That must have been the reason she was standing with the 60 other seventh graders, looking for all the world as though she could drop through the earth with embarrassment and waiting for the track coach to call her name or give some sort of instruction. At least the coach was Miss Kane. She was Mackenzie's English teacher, and they already got on very well.
"Okay, everyone, come around me now until you can hear." The coach waited until they were gathered a little closer. "At this level, we ask that you each try a little of everything to see where you might best fit in. Even if you want to throw the discus, I want to see your running form. If you're out here because your grandfather says you've got a great running stride, I still want to see you try the long jump. You get the picture, I'm sure.
"To make this easier we'll just do it alphabetically. Last names beginning withAthroughN,come to my right;OthroughZto my left." She waited until kids were somewhat separated and then went on."AthroughN's go with me to the track.Othrough Zs go with Mrs. Fenton to the long jump pit."
Mackenzie noticed right away that Mrs. Fenton was accompanied by one of the aides. Her math teacher, Mr. Frank, was with Miss Kane. She followed along with the rest of the kids, and only after they had started to walk did she see her friend Stacy.
"Mackenzie, I didn't know you were going out."
"I thought I told you, and you said you had changed your mind."
Stacy pulled a face. "My father changed it right back. Are you being forced too?"
"No, I wanted to give it a try. I don't know if I'll make the team though."
"There's no cut."
"There isn't?"
"No. Everyone who comes out for track can participate."
Mackenzie thought this was good news, but she wasn't sure she was good enough to do this. Coming out and making a fool of herself was not her idea of fun. Cut or no, if she couldn't do
127
a good job for the team, she would be too embarrassed to keep showing up.
In the middle of all this speculation, she almost ran into the back of the boy in front of her. His name was Dan, and he was pretty cool, but at the moment Mackenzie wanted to avoid all attention. Just moments later girls and boys were separated and taken to opposite sides of the track. Miss Kane then explained how the girls would run.
They did some stretching-Miss Kane was very firm on how it was to be done-and then almost before she knew what was happening, Mackenzie found herself in the first group. She lined up with seven other girls and listened while the group was told that the race would end a quarter of the way down the track.
Miss Kane clapped twice, their cue to run. Mackenzie shot down the track, her legs pumping hard in long strides, not really aware of anyone near her. As she'd been instructed, she ran past the finish line and stopped to catch her breath several yards away.
Her shorts had crept up, and she was trying surreptitiously to pull them down when she realized that Miss Kane, along with several other kids, were shouting, "Good job, Mackenzie." To her utter surprise she had won, and if the times Miss Kane was shouting could be counted on, by more than a little.
"Nice run," Miss Kane complimented, having come up close.
"Thank you," Mackenzie breathed, still slightly winded.
"Be sure and give the low hurdles a try, Mackenzie. I think you would do well."
"All right."
The older woman moved away to work with the next group, and Mackenzie found herself glad for a few moments alone. Her solitude wasn't to last. She hadn't been aware of anyone else, but suddenly the other girls came over to congratulate her. Mackenzie was still visiting with them when a group of eighth-grade boys walked by.
"Nice run, Mackenzie," Brett Cooper spoke up, and a few of the other guys nodded in agreement.
"Thank you," she said kindly and smiled, but she could feel her already flushed face heating again.
"I think he likes you," Marie said.
"I do too," added someone else. "I've seen him watching you."
128
"Brett?" Mackenzie asked in surprise.
The other girl was nodding, a big smile on her face, when they heard Miss Kane clapping. It was a relief to turn and cheerthe other girls on.
"Come on, Stacy!" Mackenzie yelled and watched her friend come in second. Mackenzie went right to her, and from there the time sped by. More races followed. Some she ran in, and some she cheered for. As Miss Kane had predicted, she did do well in the hurdles. Before she knew it, her coach was telling them to be on time the next day and dismissing them. Mackenzie spotted her mother's car just a few minutes later and climbed
into the backseat. Delancey had the front.
"How'd it go?"
"Great. No one is cut from the team, so I'm on. I even won two of the races I was in."
"That's great," Marrell said.
"Who's that guy who just waved at you?" Delancey wanted to know, her eyes on the tall blond boy.
Mackenzie finished smiling and waving back before she answered.
"Brett Cooper. Isn't he cute?"
"Yes. Does he like you?"
"According to Marie Overton, he does."
"He looks older." This was Marrell's only comment on the boy.
"He's in eighth grade."
Delancey turned to smile at her sister, who shook her head in playful exasperation. Delancey's boy craziness was getting to be something of a joke between them. That her mother didn't find it so funny was a fact both girls tended to ignore.
Ineed so much wisdom, Lord. They still have no interest in You, yet they obey me, and most of the time we get along very well. What can I expect?Marrell wondered if perhaps she didn't expect enough.Please bring Paul home safely to us,she finished.We need him.
"What's for dinner, Mom?"
"Omelets. I haven't shopped yet, so it's not going to be very exciting."
Until their mother went to work part-time, both girls had been guilty of taking her work around the house and in the
129
kitchen for granted. They didn't always have the clean clothes they wanted now, and about once a month they had to settle for whatever was in the cupboard.
Remembering what her father had said about thankfulness, Mackenzie bit her tongue against complaining and asked, "How was your day at the office, Mom?"
"It was fine." Marrell was pleased to be asked. "Things have picked up for spring, but the busyness makes the day go faster."
"Do you have to work on our Easter break?"
"No. I already told Shay I would need it off. It's going to make things more hectic both before and after, but it'll be worth it to be home."
"I wish Dad could be here."
"Me too," Marrell said with a sigh. "I sat outside on my lunch hour today and counted the days."