She grinned, but her eyes looked too bruised for me to find anything positive from what she’d just said.
Sinking into the chair next to her, I buried my face in my hands. “So, so there’s no way you’ll ever be able to walk now?”
“Brandt,” she said softly, shaking her head as sympathy filled her blue eyes. “You and I both know that was never going to happen, anyway.”
“Yeah, but you’d been working at it for years, and you were getting better. Now, even the dream of it is dead. I ruined—” My chest heaved and tears threatened. Damn it, I was going to lose it in front of her. I refused to lose it in front of her. “Jesus.” I ran my fingers up into my hair and clutched two handfuls hard by the roots.
I’d killed one of her dreams.
Shaking her head, Sarah whispered, “Oh my God.” Tears filled her eyes. “You’re never going to touch me again, are you?”
I glanced away as pain clawed at my heart. “Sarah...”
“No.” She reached for me, gripping my arm. “Don’t do this, Brandt. Please. Please.... You have to know this was just a horrible coincidence that it happened when it did.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “It wasn’t a coincidence.”
“It could’ve been.”
“No!” I surged to my feet, breathing hard. “I almost killed you, and that’s...that’s not acceptable. Oh my God.” I spun away to pace her room. “If I’d waited any longer to get you help, you...you might not be here right now.”
“So, see,” she reached for me again. “You saved me. You didn’t hurt me. You’d never hurt me. Brandt, please, I’m begging you. Don’t take the blame for this. Please don’t stop what we just started because you’re scared. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me.” I brought her knuckles to my mouth and kissed them. “You’ll always be my best friend. Nothing could change that.”
Closing her eyes, she cried even harder. “I don’t want to be just your friend any longer.”
“And I don’t want to kill you,” I whispered.
Tears ran down her cheeks. Each and every one of them slayed me, but I just stood there, refusing to tell her we would carry on as if nothing had happened. There was no way in hell I’d ever touch her sexually again, not as long as it put her life at risk.
“What about you and me being together permanently?” she asked, sniffing at her tears. “Being clingy, and possessive and jealous? You can’t make a promise like that to me and then just take it back.”
“I can if it puts you in danger. My first instinct toward you is protection, and I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes.”
Growling out a frustrated sound, she squeezed my hand harder. “God, you’re so stubborn. Why can’t your first stupid instinct be to love me? Just...love me.”
“I do,” I swore to her. “I love you with everything I have, and I always will. But I will not lose you. I can’t.” This time, the mere threat of tears was no more. They became real as they spilled down my cheeks, each one crying out for me to take her into my arms and just hold her.
Except that was what had started this.
Pulling my hand forcefully out of hers, I choked out, “If keeping my hands off you is the only way to keep you in my life, then that’s what I’ll do.”
She stared at me, all the pain and grief in her soul shimmering in her eyes. “Don’t do something stupid,” she said.
I had no idea what she meant, but I wiped the wetness from my cheeks. “I won’t.”
She didn’t seem to believe me. She reached out again. “Brandt, I’m serious. Don’t—”
Lifting my hands, I backed away some more. “I can’t do this,” I rasped. “I can’t...I’ll be back later. I swear, I love you, but I can’t...I’ll be back.”
Whirling away, I rushed from her hospital room. I felt like the biggest, most worthless coward on the planet, but I just couldn’t stay.
I’d failed my girl in every way possible.
BRANDT
I was going to do something stupid.
Drinking myself blind sounded like the plan of the century. And wasn’t it a lucky coincidence I worked in a bar?
As soon as they announced last call, kicked out the lingering few stragglers, and locked the front doors of Forbidden, I dug up an old bottle of the cheapest bourbon I could find in the back of the stash—something Pick wouldn’t notice missing—and cracked it open before pouring myself a liberal amount into a tumbler.
Shooting the whole thing straight, I hissed through the tongues of fire that lapped up the insides of my throat and ground my teeth as my eyes watered. God, that was some rough shit.
I poured myself another glass. Swallowing that one down, I vaguely realized I should probably care that I wasn’t helping the others with cleanup, but sadly, I was unable to give a single fuck.
“Well, that’s not a very original concoction,” a familiar voice said from behind me, making me jump.
I spun around and winced when I came face-to-face with Julianna. “What?”
She pulled back when she looked into my eyes. Then with a sad, disappointed kind of sigh, she grabbed my arm. “Come on,” she said, dragging me from behind the counter and into the hall toward the back.
Shit. This was going to be bad. I think I’d basically ignored her all night. I wasn’t sure. My head was a fucking mess these days. But she looked pissed.
Deciding this could only be about one thing, I said, “Look,” as she pulled me into the back break room and shut the door. I lifted my hands. “I know I never rescheduled our date, and I’m sorry. I—”
“Oh, honey,” she broke in, letting go of my arm so she could cross hers over her chest and cock her hip in that irritated female way. “Don’t even worry about that. That ship has long since sailed.”
I lifted my eyebrows, surprised. “It has?”
Thank God. We didn’t have to have the talk then.
“Yes. Now talk,” she commanded.
Talk? My brow knit as I blinked. What the hell was I supposed to talk about if we were no longer an issue?
Juli let out that disappointed sigh again. She dropped her arms, which exposed her chest, showing off how tight and short her shirt was. For some reason, I focused on the dark slip of skin flashing at the bottom where her top didn’t quite meet up with her jeans, and panic lit my bones.
It made me think of Sarah.
Visiting my girl every day was killing me in slow, agonizing mini-deaths with every breath I took. The urge to kiss her, touch her arm, smell her hair was present each second.
So far, I’d resisted, being the good and honorable friend I was determined to be. But then she’d been discharged from the hospital earlier today, and the moment I’d stepped foot in her bedroom when we brought her home, I’d been bombarded with memories of being inside her, tasting her, watching her come.
And then seeing her spasm out of control.
Cold sweat stole up the back of my neck.
Sarah was still weak and recovering, so it wasn’t like I would’ve jumped her bones even if I hadn’t made a pact with myself to never fuck her again. But knowing I couldn’t—ever—was getting to me. And the more it got to me, the guiltier I felt for even wanting it.
I needed something to prove to myself that I could return to the way things had been before, back when I was sixteen and crushing on Sarah from afar while having brief, meaningless flings with women who didn’t matter.
I would return to being nothing but her friend. I would! And if the only way to convince myself I could get that done was going to other women, then so be it.
Except Julianna was standing right in front of me, beautiful and available, and I just wanted to run.
“What’s going on with you, Brandt?” She stepped closer and touched my elbow. “You’ve been off all night. All week, really.” Her fingers were light and warm. Compassionate. And she smelled good. It’d be so easy to dip my face and ease closer, bury my nose in her neck and let her comfort
me.
I shied back, swallowing hard.
“I’m fine,” I murmured, backing away toward the couch. “I just...it’s been a shitty week for me, is all.” I slumped down onto the cushions and rested my elbows on my knees.
This was bad. If I couldn’t even summon the willpower to seduce Julianna, then how the hell was I going to prove to myself I could stay away from Sarah?
“Fuck,” I muttered, scrubbing my face. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Aww, baby.” Juli sat next to me. “You are so far from fine it’s ridiculous.” She smoothed her fingers over my hair. It felt nice and yet wrong. I closed my eyes, fighting the urge not to recoil. “Now, talk to me.”
I shook my head, declining her offer. But then I blurted out, “I can’t have sex with you.”
Worst case of unexpected word vomit ever.
I hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t realized I was going to until it was already out there. I hadn’t even meant it as a brush-off. It’d been more of an admittance of failure, because physically, I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with Juli, with anyone really but Sarah, and I definitely wasn’t going to have sex with her.
Shocked by my own mouth, I glanced at her, hoping I hadn’t offended her too badly.
But she only laughed. “Trust me, I wasn’t offering.” When I just watched her, she wrinkled her nose and shrugged. “What? Would you sleep with someone when it’s obvious he’s in love with another woman? Because I know you’re hung up on your friend Sarah, and don’t you be trying to convince me otherwise.”
“I...” Deflated, I gripped my head in my hands and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t lie and tell her she was wrong. I was tired of lying, trying to convince myself I could settle for just being Sarah’s friend.
“So, what am I supposed to do,” I muttered, “when I can’t have her?”
Groaning out a sigh, Julianna looked at me as if I were hopeless. Which I was.
She set her hand on my back. “Have you actually tried telling her how you feel about her?”
The laugh I gave her was hard and almost ended in tears. “Oh, we’ve been there, trust me. Not only have I told her, but we’ve even had sex together...which ended in her having a stroke and pretty much paralyzing her entire left side.”
Hell, I couldn’t believe I’d just told her all that. But honestly, it felt good to get this shit out of my system. Everyone else I knew was already friends with Sarah, so they knew all the details. It was nice to talk to someone a little more impartial about what was going on. And I’d gotten to know Julianna enough I felt I could confide in her.
She gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. “God, Brandt. I am so sorry.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, numb to all the sympathy. “So you can imagine why I’d die before I ever touched her again.” My shoulders wilted in around me. “I almost fucking killed her.”
“Are you sure—”
“Yes!” I yelled. “I’m sure. The seizure started before we even put our clothes back on. God.” Hugging myself, I rocked back and forth. The only thing I could see when I closed my eyes was her writhing out of control. “We’re going to have to go back to just being friends,” I chanted to myself, “because I can’t do this. I can’t put her life at risk this way. I have to keep my hands off her.”
Julianna was silent as she rubbed my back.
I focused on breathing through my nose so I didn’t lose my cool more than I already was. I’d been on the verge of breaking down all week. I could hold it together. I had to hold it together.
“I even thought I could convince myself I could...you know, move past her if I...if I...with other women. But—”
“You can’t,” Juli stated baldly, shattering all the hope I’d ever fostered of her saving me from my Sarah dilemma. “I can see it on your face; you don’t want to move past her.”
“Okay, fine,” I growled, gripping my hair. “I don’t. But that solves nothing. What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
With a sad smile, Juli asked, “How much do you love her?”
My laugh was dry and unamused as I admitted, “She’s my entire life.”
She nodded as if she suspected as much. “Then, honey, you already know what you have to do.”
Shit.
I did.
I couldn’t stop loving Sarah. Once we’d become a couple, that was it. I was in that relationship for life. And I’d just proven I couldn’t bring myself to go to other women for sex. I couldn’t stomach being with anyone but Sarah.
Which only left...
“Oh, Jesus,” I breathed, feeling doomed. “I’m never having sex again in my life, am I?”
Panic consumed me as I met Juli’s sympathetic gaze. “If you think she’s worth it,” she murmured softly.
“Fuck, yes, she’s worth it, but...damn.”
My poor cock. I whimpered and set my hands against my lap, cradling the part of my body that was about to become sorely neglected for the rest of my doomed life. I really hoped the theory that jacking off too many times could make a man go blind was a myth, because I was about to test it out.
But like I’d said, it was worth it.
Sarah was worth a lifetime of abstinence.
Blowing out a breath with new resolve, I glanced at Juli and said, “I can do this.”
And I would.
For Sarah.
SARAH
Life post-stroke was...different.
The sensation of touch had declined significantly in my left hand. I could no longer grip with it, and my left leg was pretty much worthless. It felt funny to pee now, too, because my left butt cheek went numb a lot.
Swallowing had also become a little more difficult. The first time I spit up my food after a meal, I hid it from Reese and Mason so they wouldn’t know. Everyone hated how much I’d suffered, so I kept as much as I could under tabs so as not to distress them. I just...chewed a lot more before swallowing, and I had more shakes and smoothies.
I got more headaches and grew tired easier, but at least it hadn’t impaired my thinking. The one thing I’d always been most grateful for was the continued ability to reason.
I considered myself lucky.
But all the physical side effects seemed minor compared to how it changed my relationship with...everyone. Mason used to be the only family member who worried overmuch about me, and Reese would usually talk him down and relax him into letting me do something that might be even remotely dangerous. But now...Reese was just as bad as he was. They scolded the twins any time Issa or Gray tried to climb into my lap.
Brandt’s behavior was the worst, though. About a day after I came home from the hospital, he came to visit me, apologizing and telling me he was sorry for pushing me away. He told me he couldn’t just be my friend any longer and wanted to remain my boyfriend.
It had sounded good at first, too good to be true. He’d finally come around, and life could return to normal, right?
Not even close.
I swear he touched me less now than he had when he was fifteen.
He continued to tell me he loved me, and he kept me company and catered to me, giving me everything he thought I needed. But I knew...there would never be anything sexual between us again. I’d even tried giving him a hand job. The idiot had only squeezed my fingers before kissing them and telling me not to worry about it.
But how could I not worry? He was a twenty-two-year-old, virile man who’d been sexually active since he was sixteen years old. He couldn’t just go cold turkey until he died. I didn’t want that for him. How could he want it for himself?
I could tell he was already feeling the tension too. The man needed sex...eventually. He wasn’t a monk, and he couldn’t kiss around and hug on me much longer without needing a release somehow. If he kept denying himself, he was only going to grow to resent me, and maybe even cheat on me.
Okay, I doubted he’d get to that point. He’d leave before—
But I didn’t want him to leave me, either. I
wanted a happy, well-adjusted boyfriend. He’d stayed with me through my condition, through my stroke, through all my self-doubts and fears. I wanted to give something back.
I just didn’t know what yet.
Sighing, I glanced at the clock on the wall before turning to my brother. “How long have we been waiting already?”
He scrubbed his face and groaned. “Almost an hour. You doing okay? Do you need anything?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Thanks. I just...I’m ready to get this appointment over with.” I was tired of doctors and doctors’ offices in general.
This was my two-week post-stroke appointment. And aside from the little minor problems that might all go away over time, I felt fine. I didn’t want to get poked and prodded and do a bunch of tests to tell me what I already knew.
“You and me both, kiddo.” Mason patted my knee just as a nurse stepped into the waiting room to call my name.
Breathing out my relief, I let Mason roll my chair into the office the nurse directed us to. It took both of them helping me to my feet to get me weighed. Then came my blood pressure, temperature, blood sample. I sat stoically as she did her thing and answered in one-word sentences when she asked her list of questions.
Then she smiled at us and told us the doctor would be right with us before she left the room.
Mason tapped my knee as soon as she was gone. “Hey? You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah,” I started to say, only to scowl when he kept watching me with those worried blue eyes. So I changed my mind and went honest. “I’m sad, okay. I’m sad and mad that everyone is treating me like a freaking delicate flower. I hate it, and I wish everything could go back to the way it was before. But yes, physically I’m fine.”
Then I groaned and closed my eyes when I realized just how bitchy I’d been to him. “Sorry, I just—”
“No, you’re right,” Mason murmured. “We’re...we’ve all been walking around on pins and needles. That’s true. But you scared the crap out of us, kiddo. The idea of losing you rattled every single one of us. I’m sorry if it’s driving you crazy, but with some time, we’ll eventually bounce back into shape. We won’t be like this forever. I swear.”