Me: So, essentially, it doesn’t even matter what kind of grade I end up getting in Geometry, since we’re all going to die anyway?
Michael: Well, not us, necessarily. But our grandkids, for sure.
Except, I was pretty sure Michael didn’t mean OUR grandkids, as in, the children of kids he and I might have if, you know, we Did It. I believe he was referring to grandkids in the general sense. Such as grandkids he might have with a corn princess he marries later, after he and I have grown apart and gone our separate ways.
Me: But I thought we were all going to die in ten years anyway when easily accessible petroleum runs out.
Michael: Oh, don’t worry about that. Doo Pak and I have decided to come up with a prototype for a hydrogen-powered car. Hopefully that ought to do the trick. If, you know, the auto industry doesn’t try to have us killed for it.
Me: Oh. Okay.
It’s nice to know that smart people like Michael are working on this whole petroleum-running-out thing. That leaves the more easily handled problems like, you know, killer algae and student council governance to people like me.
Michael: So, are we all set for Saturday?
Me: You mean my coming over to meet Doo Pak? I think so.
Michael: Actually, what I meant was—
This is when Lilly tried to wrestle the phone from me.
Lilly: Is that my brother? Let me talk to him.
Me: Lilly! Let go!
Lilly: Seriously. I need to talk to him. Mom changed her password again and I can’t get into her e-mail.
Me: You shouldn’t be reading your mother’s e-mail anyway!
Lilly: But how am I going to know what she’s telling people about me?
Here is where I finally managed to wrench the phone out of her hands.
Me: Uh, Michael. I’m going to have to call you back. After school. Okay?
Michael: Oh. Okay. Hang in there. Everything’s going to be fine.
Me: Yeah. Right.
It’s easy for HIM to say everything’s going to be all right. Everything IS going to be all right. For HIM. HE no longer has to be incarcerated in this hellhole for eight hours a day. He gets to take fun classes about how the polar ice cap is going to melt and we’re all going to die, while I get to walk down the hall with twenty million posters of Lana Weinberger beaming down at me, going, Loser! Loser! Princess of what? Oh yeah! Loserville!
As we left the cafeteria to go put on lip gloss before our next class, I saw Ramon Riveras, the handsome new exchange student, demonstrating Brazilian ball-handling technique to Lana and some fellow members of the AEHS varsity boys’ soccer team, all of whom were paying rapt attention (good thing, too, since last year they didn’t win one single game). Only instead of a ball, Ramon was using an orange, batting it back and forth between his feet. He was saying something, too, but I couldn’t understand a word, whatever it was. The other members of his team looked confused, too.
I saw Lana nodding like she understood, though. She probably did, too. Lana is very familiar with all things Brazilian. I know because I’ve seen her naked in the shower.
Wednesday, September 9, still G&T
Mia. Let’s make a list.
No! Lilly, leave me alone! I have too many problems right now to make a list.
What problems? You don’t have any problems. You’re a princess. You’re not flunking Algebra. You have a boyfriend.
That’s just it! I have a boyfriend, but apparently he expects me to—
To what?
Never mind. Let’s make a list.
LILLY AND MIA RATE THE REALITY SHOWS
Survivor: Lilly: A sickening attempt by the media to draw viewers by pandering to the lowest common denominator and appealing to the public’s enjoyment of watching others being exploited and humiliated. 0/10
Mia: Yeah. And who wants to watch people eat bugs? Ew!!!! 0/10
Fear Factor: Lilly: Ditto. 0/10
Mia: More bugs. Yuck. 0/10
American Idol: Lilly: This show is entertaining—if your idea of being entertained is watching young people being ridiculed for attempting to share their talents with the world. 5/10
Mia: Having had my own dreams crushed all too recently, I am not a fan of watching other people get theirs stomped on. 2/10
Newlyweds:
Nick and
Jessica: Lilly: If watching the pathetic ramblings of an uneducated chanteuse who doesn’t know the difference between chicken and tuna is your idea of a good time, please feel free to watch this show. I won’t try to stop you. 0/10
Mia: Jessica is not dumb, just inexperienced! She’s FUNNY. Also, Nick is hot. Best show EVA! 10/10
The Bachelor/ette: Lilly: Who cares about two stupid people getting together? All they’ll end up doing is having kids, and then there’ll be more stupid people on this planet. And we’re encouraging them by watching this show! Disgraceful. 0/10
Mia: Harsh! They’re looking for love! What could be wrong with that? 5/10
Trading Spaces: Lilly: I would so never let Hildi near my room. 10/10
Mia: Have to agree. What is wrong with her? But it would be cool to turn her loose on LANA’s room. 10/10
Real World: Lilly: Perfection—if your idea of perfection happens to be watching young people cavort in hot tubs without parental supervision or any apparent morality. Which mine is. 10/10
Mia: Why do they all have to be so mean to one another? Still, it IS kinda good. 9/10
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Lilly: Five homosexuals give makeovers to hetero men who can’t keep their rooms tidy and don’t know any better than to wear acid-washed jeans. Some proponents of equal rights for the same-sex-oriented fear this show will set their movement back decades. And yet…why WAS that guy wearing that hideous hairpiece for so long???? 10/10
Mia: Yeah, and I happen to know someone who could still use a little help from the Fab Five, who I’m sure frown on sweater-tucking-in. 10/10
The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie: Lilly: You’re joking, right? I’m supposed to be entertained by a human praying mantis and her drunk friend as they rudely mock the people who were kind enough to take them in? I don’t think so. 0/10
Mia: Um. I kind of have to agree here. Those girls need some MAJOR princess lessons. Maybe next time the Hilton sisters and little Nicole could spend a week with Grandmère! I bet SHE’D have something to say about their piercings. Now that’s a reality show I’d LOVE to see!!!!!!! 0/10
Wednesday, September 9, U.S. Government
THEORIES OF GOVERNMENT (con’t)
SOCIAL CONTRACT THEORY: Thomas Hobbes, 17th-century English philosopher, wrote Leviathan, stating that:
Humans originally existed in a “state of nature.”
In other words, ANARCHY.
But anarchy is bad! With anarchy, people can just do whatever they want! With anarchy, for instance, a certain cheerleader, who shall remain nameless, could wear a pair of shorts that clearly belong to a member of the men’s soccer team under the skirt of her school uniform and make sure everyone notices that she’s wearing them by crossing and uncrossing her legs in a very athletic and flamboyant way during her U.S. Government class, as she might be doing RIGHT NOW in flagrant defiance of school regulations. And a certain other person, who shall remain nameless, might feel like telling on her, but will ultimately decide not to, because tattling is wrong unless someone’s life is at stake.
Hobbes maintained that the original contract between people and state was final, resulting in state’s absolutism.
Fortunately John Locke modified the theory to say that the contract could be renegotiated.
GO JOHN LOCKE!
GO JOHN LOCKE!
GO GO
GO JOHN LOCKE!
Wednesday, September 9, Earth Science
Kenny just leaned over to me to remind me that he has a new girlfriend, Heather, whom he met at science camp this summer. Apparently, Heather is superior to me in every way (straight A’s, does gymnastics, doesn’
t employ slapstick humor or popular culture references in her expositional essays, isn’t a princess, etc.), so despite what I might think, Kenny is completely over me, and that I can go around flashing my big baby blue eyes at him all I want, it won’t make any difference, he is NOT going to do my Earth Science homework for me this semester.
Whatever, Kenny. First of all, get your prescription checked: my eyes are gray, not blue. Second of all, I never asked you to do my Bio homework for me last year. You just started doing it on your own. I’ll admit it was wrong of me to LET you, seeing as how I knew I didn’t exactly like you in the same way you liked me. But rest assured that’s not going to happen again. Because I’m fully going to pay attention in class and do my OWN work. I won’t even NEED your help.
And I sincerely hope you and Heather will be happy together. Your children will probably be very very smart. In the event that you two end up Doing It, I mean. And forget to use birth control. Although that is highly unlikely in the case of two science whizzes.
Kenny is so weird.
No, you know what? Boys are weird. Seriously. Maybe that’s what I should write my makeup paper for Ms. Martinez on. Boys and how weird they are.
For instance, my current top five favorite movies include:
Dirty Dancing
Flashdance
Bring It On
The original Star Wars, and
Honey
all of which have a similar theme—girl must use her newly acquired talents (dancing) to save herself/relationship/team (well, okay, this is not the plot of Star Wars so much. Well, it is, but you have to substitute the word “girl” with “boy.” And dancing with the Force).
So, you can see why I like them so much.
But Michael’s top five movies—not including the original Star Wars, of course—are totally different from mine. There is no single underlying theme to them at all! They’re all over the place, theme wise! And most of them, I don’t even know WHY he likes them. There is not even any dancing in them.
Here is a glimpse into the Weird World of Boys and the Movies They Like:
TOP FIVE MOVIES MICHAEL LIKES
(NONE OF WHICH I HAVE SEEN,
OR EVER WILL):
The Godfather
Scarface
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Alien, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, etc.
The Exorcist
TOP FIVE MOVIES MICHAEL LIKES (THAT I HAVE SEEN, NOT INCLUDING THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS, OF COURSE):
Office Space
The Substitute
The Fifth Element
Starship Troopers
Super Troopers
I would just like to point out that none of the above movies have dance numbers in them. Not one. In fact, there is no common underlying theme in any of them, with the possible exception of the fact that the guys in them all have super-cute girlfriends.
Basically, men and women have entirely different expectations in their movie-viewing fare. Really, given all that, it is a wonder any of them get together to Do It at all.
On second thought, this is probably not a topic Ms. Martinez would care to read about. Although I find it educational, I doubt she will.
She probably never goes to the movies, because they are so pop culture-y. She probably only goes to films, like the ones they show at the Angelika. I bet she doesn’t even own a TV.
My God. No wonder she’s the way she is.
HOMEWORK
PE: n/a
Geometry: exercises, pages 20–22
English: don’t know, was too flipped out to write it down
French: écrivez une histoire
Also, figure out if Perin boy or girl!!!!!!
G&T: n/a
U.S. Government: What is basis of government acc. to social contract theory
Earth Science: ask Kenny
Wednesday, September 9, limo on the way home from the Plaza
Today when I got to Grandmère’s for my princess lesson she announced that we were taking a field trip.
I told her I really don’t even have time for a princess lesson today—that my English grade was at stake, and that I needed to get home and write a new paper right away.
But Grandmère was completely unimpressed—even when I told her that my future career as an authoress was riding on it. She said royals shouldn’t write books anyway—that people only want to read books ABOUT royals, not BY them.
Grandmère so doesn’t get it sometimes.
I thought for sure our field trip was going to see Paolo—my roots are totally starting to show—but instead Grandmère took me downstairs to one of the Plaza’s many conference rooms. About two hundreds chairs had been set up in this long room with just a podium in the front with a microphone and a pitcher of water on it.
Only the front row of chairs had people in them. And the people in them were Grandmère’s maid, her chauffeur, and various members of the Plaza hotel staff in their green and gold uniforms, looking very uncomfortable. Especially Grandmère’s maid, who was holding a trembling Rommel on her lap.
At first I thought I’d been set up and that it was a press conference about the snails or something. Except where were the reporters?
But Grandmère said no, it wasn’t a press conference. It was to practice.
For the debate.
For student council president.
“Uh, Grandmère,” I said. “There is no debate for student council president. Everybody just votes. On Monday.”
But Grandmère way didn’t believe me. She went, exhaling a long stream of cigarette smoke, even though there is a Smoking in Your Room Only policy at the Plaza, “Your little friend Lilly told me there’s a debate.”
“You talked to LILLY?” I could hardly believe it. Lilly and Grandmère HATE each other. With good reason, after the whole Jangbu Panasa incident.
And now Grandmère is telling me that she and my best friend are in CAHOOTS?
“WHEN DID LILLY TELL YOU THIS?” I demanded, since I didn’t believe a word of it.
“Earlier,” Grandmère said. “Just stand behind the podium and see how it feels.”
“I KNOW how standing behind a podium feels, Grandmère,” I said. “I’ve stood behind podiums before, remember? When I addressed the Genovian parliament on the parking meter issue.”
“Yes,” Grandmère said. “But that was before an audience of old men. Here I want you to pretend to be addressing an audience of your peers. Picture them sitting before you, in their ridiculous baggy jeans and backward baseball caps.”
“We wear uniforms to school, Grandmère,” I reminded her.
“Yes, well, you know what I mean. Picture them all sitting there dreaming of getting their own television show, like that horrible Ashton Kutcher. Then tell me how you would answer this question: What improvements would you implement to help make Albert Einstein High School a better learning facility, and why?”
Seriously, I don’t get her sometimes. It’s like she was dropped at birth. Only onto parquet, not onto a futon couch, like I dropped Rocky not too long ago. Except that that totally wasn’t my fault, on account of Michael walking in unexpectedly wearing a new pair of jeans.
“Grandmère,” I said. “What is the point of this? THERE IS NO DEBATE.”
“JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.”
God. She is impossible sometimes.
Okay, all the time.
So just to placate her I went behind the stupid podium and said into the microphone, “Improvements I would implement to help make Albert Einstein High School a better learning facility would include incorporating more meatless entrees into the lunch service for vegan and vegetarian students, and, uh, posting homework assignments on the school website every night, so that students who might, er, have forgotten to write them down would know exactly what they have due the next day.”
“Don’t hunch so over the podium, Amelia,” Grandmère said, critically, from where she was standing, blowing her smoke into a large potted rhododendron (
Grandmère is so lucky. Because in ten years, when all the petroleum runs out and the polar ice cap is completely melted, she’ll probably be dead already from lung cancer on account of all the cigarettes she smokes). “Stand up straight. Shoulders back. That’s it. You may proceed.”
I had totally forgotten what I was talking about.
“What about teachers?” called Grandmère’s chauffeur, trying to sound like a baggy-panted Ashton Kutcher wannabe. “Whaddya gonna do about them, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “Teachers. Isn’t it their jobs to encourage us in our dreams? But I’ve noticed that certain teachers seem to feel that part of their job description includes crushing our spirit and…and…stifling our creative impulses! Just because they might, you know, be more entertaining than educational. Are those really the kinds of people we want molding our young minds? Are they?”
“No,” cried one of the maids.
“Damn straight,” yelled Grandmère’s chauffeur.
“Oh,” I said, feeling more confident on account of their positive feedback. “And the, er, video surveillance cameras outside. I can see how, as a security measure, they are very worthwhile. But if they are being used as—”
“Amelia!” Grandmère screamed. “Elbows off the podium!”
I took my elbows off the podium.
“As a tool with which to monitor student behavior, I have to say, should the administration have the right to essentially spy on us?” I was kind of getting into this debate thing. “What happens to the tapes in the video cameras after they’re full? Are they rewound and taped over, or are they stored in some fashion, so that the contents might be used against us at some future date? For instance, if one of us gets appointed to the Supreme Court, could a tape of our spraying Joe the Lion with Silly String be made available to reporters, and used to bring us down?”