"It's not a trick question," Derik says. "I mean, do you get excited about medicine stuff ... about playing doctor?" He smiles extra wide, making my cheeks heat up.
I give an enthusiastic nod, but it's nowhere near as enthusiastic as Derik's--the way he looked when he was talking about his film. "My parents and I have been planning this since forever," I say. "They bought me a real
135
first-aid kit when I was eight years old. They let me tape up their fingers and wrap up their knees as practice."
"So they're excited."
I nod.
"And how about you?"
I open my mouth to say something--to give him one of my stock answers, something I've scripted for guidance counselors or admissions reps--but instead I just keep silent.
"It's okay if you don't know," Derik says. "I mean, my parents have got it all planned out for me, too. Sometimes it's easier not to think about it, to just go with the flow and let somebody else decide."
I nod, gazing at his mouth--at the pale pink color and the freckle on his upper lip--wondering if all those rumors about him are true.
"I'm glad you're here," he says, moving even closer to me. He takes my hands and presses his thumbs into my palms. And makes my heart beat fast.
He stares at me for several moments, and I notice how his eyelashes turn upward, how his eyes look so serious-- like he needs to tell me something. And how his breath is warm against my chin. "I'm not sure what you've heard about me," he says finally, "but I think we have a lot in common."
"I'm glad I'm here, too," I say, knowing that we do have a lot in common and hoping to get to know him more.
136
DERIK
LIZA IS AMAZING. I mean, looks aside, the girl is sheer perfection: sweet, easy to talk to, likes to laugh. Not like one of those girls who just nods her head and agrees with everything I say, who says whatever she thinks I want to hear. Or needs me to tell her what to think. She's different.
It's like, when we're talking, she's really into it--she's really into what I'm saying, like she's trying to figure stuff out just as much as me. I mean, I never really saw myself with some brainy girl, but Liza seems to get me in a way that nobody else does.
I hold her hands, wondering if she notices how I can't stop smiling--and how our lips are just inches apart. I'm so into the moment that I don't even put up a stink when Chet tells me that he's taking Mimi to the bathroom. I don't even remind them that they need to stick together, that they shouldn't veer off anywhere alone, and that they
137
need to bring their walkie-talkies. Instead, I focus on Liza.
"Are you cold?" she asks, staring right at me.
I shake my head, wishing we were alone, that I could be with her someplace nice. I pull a blanket around her shoulders, catching a waft of her vanilla scent. "I'd really like to get to know you better," I say.
"I'd like that too," she says, and she's smiling when she says it, like this could really be something good.
I watch her mouth, the way she keeps biting at her bottom lip, and wonder what she's thinking right now-- if she's heard some of the stuff people say about me at school.
The truth is, I'm not like that anymore. Maybe I used to like the chase--to tag a girl and be done with her right after. But that's not me now. It hasn't been for the past six months, but it's like, once you have a rep like that, it's hard to shake it.
"So what do you say we hang out sometime?" I ask.
"Hey, don't we have a movie to make?" Greta barks, totally interrupting us. She untwists her legs from Tony's. The two have been squirreled up in the corner since we first sat down.
I pull away from Liza, a bit too quickly, maybe, wishing we had just a few more minutes alone.
"Hey, where did Mimi and Chet go?" Tony asks.
I feel my jaw lock, knowing that they should have been
138
back by now, that it's been a good twenty minutes since they left.
And that I never should have let them out of my sight in the first place.
139
CHET
IT'S MY IDEA TO SNEAK AWAY. While Derik is busy hitting on Liza--and Tony and Greta are busy hitting a homer-- I suggest to Mimi that we grab our bags, tell Derik we're heading off to the bathroom, and then sneak away for a little urban exploration. What's surprising to me is that she doesn't object. But even more surprising is how cool the girl is. I mean, take away all the black clothes--and wouldn't I love to--Mimi is completely down-to-earth.
Oddly enough, the hardest part of sneaking off is resisting the urge to burst out laughing. But we manage, first moving slowly down the hallway, and then booting our asses well past the bathroom, toward the cafeteria. At one point, I reach out to feel for Mimi's hand, sensing her close by my side. Without even having to say anything-- to tell her that my hand is extended out to her--she takes it, curling her fingers into my grip. And squeezing ever so slightly.
140
"Derik's going to have a fit," Mimi whispers, holding in her laugh.
"That's fine," I say. "Because I brought along my strait-jacket."
Still holding hands, we race across the cafeteria and open the door at the back of the kitchen. It leads to a back hallway, and straight ahead appears to be another tunnel.
"Let's go this way," I say, taking a left into a side room.
That's when things start to heat up.
Mimi closes the door so no one can hear us. Her back up against it, I'm standing there just facing her--one hand on the door panel, the other still cradled up in hers. And we're laughing like two little punks, like we just t-papered the principal's office or spread some computer virus through the school's administration records.
And then something really weird happens. Mimi looks at me for just a second--her violet eyes highlighted with these thick black rings. She tucks a strand of her kinky black hair behind her ear, and I notice how pretty she is-- how her cheeks are sort of angular and her lips are the color of fire. I'm tempted to touch her--to glide my fingers down the side of her face and gently stroke her bottom lip. But then the corners of her mouth turn downward, like she knows how intense the moment is--like she wants the moment to end.
"So let's look around," she says, dropping my hand, just leaving me hanging.
"Yeah," I say, trying to mentally shower myself down.
141
The room is huge. There's a chalkboard at the front, and benches and tables overturned on the floor. I take a step, feeling something hard beneath my feet. I squat down to look. It's a dried-up tube of paint. And there are brushes, crayons, and bottles of glue littered about the floor. "It looks like this was an art room," I say, noticing the mildew-stained sketch pads piled high in the corner of the room. There are also works in progress set up on easels, and finished pieces displayed along walls.
"So what are we looking for?" I ask, thinking about all the booty these art supplies could get me on eBay.
"Files," Mimi says.
"Don't you think you have enough files by now?"
"I'm looking for a particular file," Mimi says. "Whose?" I ask. But she doesn't answer.
"Hellooooo?" I sing, trying to get her attention.
"I'm busy," she says, at the back of the room now. She opens a closet door and discovers a couple of boxes, both filled with what appears to be old files.
"What are files doing in an art room?" I ask.
Mimi shrugs. "In case you haven't noticed, this place isn't exactly what you'd call organized."
"But at least this stuff can get us some booty."
"You and your freakin' booty."
"Like it?" I point my butt in her direction.
I think I catch a glimpse of a smile, but then she looks down at the files.
142
"Let me help you," I say, squatting beside her. "What's the girl's name?"
"What girl?"
"The one with the journal. Isn't that whose file you're looking for?"
; "Here," Mimi says. "Check it out for yourself." She pulls the journal from her bag and tosses it in my direction.
Instead of arguing, I flip it open and read one of the entries:
December 3, 1981
I got sent to packs yesterday. It was the first time, but Vicky tells me there will be plenty more. I'm tempted to tell on her. The other night she came to work drunk. She just sat at the nurses' station the entire time, slurring her words as she talked on the phone, calling all her old boyfriends and yelling at them for breaking up with her.
It made me laugh.
The thing is, she caught me laughing and ordered me to packs. It was beyond horrible. I wasn't allowed to eat in the morning-not that that's a huge sacrifice. They've been serving leftovers lately, just tossing the slop on tables, making us paw for it like animals. I think some of the cooks are screwed up as the patients. There's this one cook who used to be a
143
patient here. He likes to show us the scar on his head. He says it's from a lobotomy. They guy's about thirty at most, so I know he's lying. They stopped doing lobotomies here more than forty years ago-at least that's what Vicky tells us. She also tells us that it's too bad they stopped, that some of us could really use one.
Anyways, back to packs. They put me on a table, held me down, and wrapped me up in ice-cold sheets. I couldn't move. I was all bound up like a casket, and the smell-this strong soap-made me gag. The chill punctures right through my bones and made me want to die. I could hear patients screaming all the way down the hall, making me scream too. They normally only send really disturbed patient to packs, but they also do it as punishment.
I hate Vicky. I'm tempted to tell on her, but I'm scared no one will believe me. I'm also scared she'll make me sleep next to Martha again, that woman who murdered her husband. You have to count your blessings in this place.
Becky's a blessing. We've gotten to be like sisters. She lets me hold her doll, the one she named Christy, after me. I never thought I'd be playing dolls again, but sometimes it helps to pass the time. And sometimes it's kind of fun. I've named my doll Rebecca, after Becky.
The other day Becky's dad brought her a big box of chocolates, and she shared some with me. I think
144
Her dad wants her out of here soon, so I'm not sure how much longer she'll stay. I wish she'd stay as long as me.
But I just feel like I'm getting worse, like I might never leave.
I met with Doctor Naslar again, and he upped my medication.
More medication.
I didn't tell him, but yesterday I could hear my grandfather talking to me in my head. He was warning me not to trust Doctor Naslar, that Naslar is out to get me-even more than Vicky.
Tonight's another full moon. Everyone is wailing.
Including me.
More tomorrow.
"Freaky, huh?" Mimi says as soon as I close up the journal. It appears as that she's done picking through the boxes of files. She's just sitting there, back on her heels, watching me read--waiting for my response.
"Everything in this place is freaky," I say.
"Do you believe in ghosts?"
"I never used to, but who knows?"
"I know," she says. "And they do exist ... because this place is full of them."
"How do you know for sure?"
"It's hard to explain," she says, her eyes extra wide. "I mean, I've always just sort of believed in them. But now
145
it's different. It's more than just a belief. Something really weird happened after the whole hydrotherapy room thing. I mean, I don't know if it was the room itself. Maybe it's the more I get into Christine Belle's journal. But it's like, I can feel it ... I can feel them."
"Sounds kinky."
"I'm serious," she bites.
"I know," I whisper, suddenly feeling as though there's somebody else in the room, listening in. "So did you have any luck?" I gesture to the files.
Mimi shakes her head and lets out a sigh. "The file I'm looking for isn't here."
"Whose is it?" I ask again.
"My grandmother's," she says finally. "She was a patient here."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously." She nods. "She wasn't crazy or anything like that. She was an alcoholic, and my mother and uncle couldn't take it anymore. Apparently my grandmother would get the shakes all the time. She couldn't hold a job, couldn't take care of herself. She could barely get out of bed sober. I guess it totally took over her life."
I nod, thinking about my dad, about how he shakes a lot, too.
"I mean, I'm not making excuses for them," Mimi continues. "They never should have left her here. Or, since they did, they never should have forgotten about her."
"Did she get better, at least?"
146
"I don't know," Mimi says. "Because she died here. That's why I was hoping I could find her file. I thought that maybe I could get to know her a little since she died before I was born. I was thinking that maybe I could find her grave marker number--the one they used to bury her ... since they didn't use names."
"And what if you don't find this stuff?"
"Honestly?" Mimi shrugs. "I don't know. I went to Town Hall and got a copy of her death certificate. But all it said was that she died and was buried here. It didn't say where, exactly. And the lady at the desk told me the hospital didn't keep good records of where people were buried."
"Does your family know you've been doing all this?"
Mimi shrugs. "I've made hints. But it's like they don't want to talk about it too much, not even my older sister, Micki."
"Wow," I say, just taking it in. "What?"
I suck in my lips, half tempted to tell her about my dad, about how he's an alcoholic, too. I want to tell her that he's the one who gave me my black eye, but instead I grab a folder, suddenly eager for something to laugh about.
"What are you doing?" Mimi asks.
A grin wiggles up my face, just imagining what might be inside--tales of some guy who ingested checkers or something. I open up the folder, and a necklace drops
147
out--this big gold-plated medallion on a chain. "Was Elvis here?" I ask, checking the thing out. The medallion is light in weight, with a pyramid engraved on one side and a monkey on the other, almost like a fake gold coin.
"What's a necklace doing in a folder?" Mimi asks.
I shake my head and slip it on around my neck. "Thank you. Thank you very much," I say, doing my best Elvis impersonation, lip snarl and all.
"Why do you do that?" she asks. "Why do you always have to make everything funny?"
"What do you mean?" I say, holding myself back from playing the air guitar.
"I mean, we should probably get back to the others."
I nod, wishing I could take the moment back. But it's definitely too late. Mimi mutters something about not feeling too well and then gets up and heads for the door.
"Wait." I stand up too.
She lets out a sigh and turns back to face me. "What?"
"I know something that can make you feel a whole lot better."
"I doubt it."
"Actually," I continue, "I know something that can make us both feel pretty good."
At first I think she's going to sock me one--give a shiner to my other eye--but then the corners of her lips turn slightly upward, like she wants to know more.
"Come on," I say, holding out my hand. "What have you got to lose?"
148
DERIK
"THEY WERE ONLY SUPPOSED to be gone a couple minutes," I say, standing up from the circle of candles. I look toward where Mimi and Chet were sitting, noticing that their bags are gone.
Tony gets up as well, chalking something onto his director's clapper, muttering about how we need to get more footage.
I ignore him and pull the walkie-talkie from my bag, resisting the urge to lose my temper completely-- especially since Liza's here. "Where are you guys?" I say, pressing the talk button down.
/> It takes a few seconds, but then I hear Chet's voice spit out through the receiver: "Hello, Derik," he says, the words all distorted with static.
"Where are you?" I demand in the nicest tone I can muster. "We've got more shooting to do."
"Hello, Derik," he repeats. His voice has a screwed-up
149
calmness to it, like he's trying to freak me out.
"Don't screw with me, man," I say. "Where are you guys?"
"Stay away," he whispers.
"Excuse me?"
"Stay away."
I feel my face scrunch up, wondering what the hell is going on.
"Is Mimi with you?" Greta asks into her walkie-talkie.
"Mimi's on the floor," Chet answers.
"Put her on!" I demand.
"She's on the floor," he repeats.
"You better not be joking," I say. "Is she all right?"
But he doesn't answer.
"Chet?" I shout.
"Stay away," his voice whispers again.
"Tell me where you are," I demand.
Meanwhile, Liza is pacing back and forth, chewing at her thumbnail, totally wigging herself out.
A moment later, a whining sound plays through the walkie-talkie, making me almost drop the thing.
"Chet?" I ask.
"We're in the cafeteria," he whispers. "And Mimi's on the floor."
"Oh my God." Liza covers over her mouth. "Come on," I say, taking Liza's hand. "Let's go."
We move down the center hallway and into the cafeteria.