“Love bug?” He knocked on the door to the bathroom. “Elena said you were in here.”
Ugh. Love bug? I wanted to puke, but I mustered up the pep to respond. “Yup! Be right out.” I looked in the mirror, but all I noticed was the blank, lost expression reflected in my eyes. I whispered, “Remember why you’re doing this, Cassidy. Remember your goals. Remember Michael. Remember prom.”
When I stepped outside into Jasper’s clutches, I didn’t feel any better. I had to cling to the hope that my plan was working. Outside the cafeteria, Jasper paused and whispered, “This is it, babe. Show time.”
We strolled into the cafeteria, Jasper acting like one-half of the super couple, me feeling like the second half of a losing football game. This was my Hail Mary, but something told me I’d already lost.
The social spotlights were on us and it felt like we were striding in slow motion. I should’ve been flipping my hair back and smiling, like this wasn’t just part of a plan. Instead, I focused on placing one foot in front of the other and not looking anyone in the eye. He led me right to his table with Jules, Carter, Ava, Elena, and…Michael. I peeked around for Zeke but couldn’t find him.
Michael nodded, a cool look on his face, but one I was getting used to. Gone were the days when I got even one real smile from him, but at least he acknowledged me.
I forced a smile. “Hi, everyone.”
Jasper squeezed my hand and after he sat, he patted the seat neat to him. I should have felt honored and proud for this spot, but instead I felt a little bit like a dog about to be fed a treat for good behavior. I hoped to make it through lunch without saying a word, the invisible person, who people talk around. No such luck.
“How did you get home from the party?” Elena asked, her voice pointed and sharp, no pretenses.
“I walked. It was a nice night out.” I flashed back to how Zeke’s hand on my arm felt and the concern on his face and in his words.
“It started blizzarding,” Ava said flatly. “We almost couldn’t leave the party.”
“Right. There was that.” My cheeks filled with heat and I launched into a typical speech, feeling the heat grow stronger with every word. “But ever since I was little I’ve loved the snow and the cold. There are lots of tricks to staying warm in a blizzard. I just think of the hottest, steamiest day of summer when the heat is so unbearable that you’d do anything for a nice cold snowfall.” I shrugged. “And that’s what gets me through. Of course, wearing a warm coat is of the most importance—”
Carter shot up from the table. “Hey, sis. I forgot that Mom wanted you to call her.” He put his hands on my shoulder and practically dragged me from the table. “We’ll see all of you later.”
We were walking out and the lunchroom faded into black behind us. He led us outside into the crisp air, fresh white snow on the ground. I leaned over, breathing hard. “Thank you!”
“You know what they’re all saying, don’t you?” he asked, showing absolutely no sympathy.
“I have an idea.”
“You’ve got to set them straight.” He pushed me up. “Enough with the fake panic attacks. Get over it.”
I gasped, choking at the cold air in my lungs. “I’m not faking it. That was horrible. How can you handle all that pressure?”
“Well, first, I don’t act like an idiot and say stupid things. I don’t hook up with the most popular guy and then walk around like his little toy all day.”
Okay, that hurt. First, because my own brother believed I’d even want to work my way up the popular pole. Second, he had no room to talk.
“No, you just play Taylor Swift music and upload your music videos to YouTube to get dates, instead of just being a nice guy.” I was on a role and there was no stopping me as the anger spiraled out of control. “You worked hard to get in with that group.” I ignored his shocked expression. “Yeah, that’s right. You can pretend all you want that it’s about being the fun, flirty guy who likes to date, but I can see how over the months you slowly wiggled your way into the group. So don’t you dare say anything about me.”
As I continued to yell at Carter, the door to the building opened and someone walked out, just as I was building to a crescendo.
“And I can do whatever I want with a guy!” I yelled. “Even if it is Jasper.”
Zeke stood a couple feet behind us, his sneakers buried in the snow, his face pale, but he recovered and wore a mask of indifference.
“You go for it then.” Carter flipped around and pushed Zeke back a few steps, leaving the two of us in awkward silence.
“Uh, that’s not what it sounded like.” I peeked at Zeke, who wouldn’t look at me. How would I even begin to explain the truth? I’d need more than a few minutes. “Just a sibling fight. You know….”
He held up his hands, palms out. “No need to explain anything. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Just wanted to let you know that Jules wants us to go shopping this afternoon for prom decorations because there’s a sale. And Ava’s coming too.” He turned and went inside.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to drop to my knees and beg Zeke to believe the truth, that Jasper just kissed me. That’s it. But my mouth wouldn’t move, and the words died in my throat. Zeke was my friend, and for some reason, I cared about what he thought.
***
As instructed, I met Zeke and Ava after school. We piled into Ava’s car and zipped over to the friendly mega store. I automatically took the back, especially after Ava glared at me and then sweetly invited Zeke to sit in the front seat. She was in all out peacock-mode. I know it’s the male bird that flaunts and struts, but there was no better word for what she was doing—it was kinda embarrassing.
She talked and giggled and tilted her head at all the right times and talked some more and flirted like she was in a marathon. Zeke took it all in, not gushing and not acting all stupid like I did around Jasper or Michael. With every cool response he gave, Ava’s instinct to show off her feminine wiles increased. I sat in the back and gagged with every sugary comment.
In the store, I split the list and wandered off by myself, gathering the items. Once I was done, I left the cart up at the front and trudged through the store to find them. The falsetto giggle couldn’t be missed, except instead of turning the corner and letting them know I was there, I stood behind the display of candy Valentine hearts and listened.
Ava was gushing. “Why I’d love to go to the Valentine Dance with you. I thought you’d never ask!”
“Um…”
I never heard Zeke’s response, because I wobbled and sank against the display. Why did that bother me so much? Did I like Zeke as more than a good friend? My sensibilities were overwhelmed, and apparently, so wasn’t the display, because it crashed to the ground, boxes scattering everywhere.
“Cassidy?” Ava said it like, of course, who else would knock over a candy display in a store.
Zeke didn’t even look at me.
Chapter 22
The rest of the week went pretty much the same. Jasper coddled me like I was a toddler, incapable of walking to class or making decisions for myself. Every day at lunch he patted the seat next to him. Any lingering floaty feelings for the guy had completely popped and faded into nothing, especially now that his perfect veneer had cracked and I knew him better.
Like, for example, his breath doesn’t smell so hot after lunch. Or the fact that, by the end of the day, his cologne has faded, leaving behind a normal guy smell, which isn’t always good. Or that when he’s exaggerating or telling a half-truth, he punctuates the end of the sentence with his classic smile as if to convince himself and others that everything is as perfect as it seems.
Each time I mentioned ending our deal to Jasper, because this whole popular thing was exhausting and I wasn’t even sure how well the plan was working, he convinced me to give it until the Valentine’s dance. In other words, he had a couple more papers he wanted me to write.
My gut feeling said to run, but what if he was right? What i
f all it took was for Michael to witness Jasper and I in each other’s arms? I couldn’t give up now.
Friday dawned and I’d never looked worse. I’m not even sure an injection of coffee straight into my veins would’ve helped. I was barely out of the shower when Jules stopped by to pick me up. I’d tried to forget about the whole dress-up-in-a-costume idea because I didn’t feel like a princess. I didn’t feel beautiful or worthy to wear a crown—even if it was made of plastic. And the jewels would probably fall off by third period.
On the drive back to her house, Jules chatted on about the plan for the day, completely peppy and enthusiastic…until she wasn’t. “We’ve run into a few complications, but there shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Like what?”
“Just a few costume glitches but nothing we can’t take care of.” She laughed and waved her hand. Totally fake.
“What else?” Because I could tell there was more.
“Well, after much consideration, Ava and I decided that with the splash you and Jasper have made on the social scene that it really should be Jasper dressed up as your prince today, not Zeke. I mean, it just makes sense, right?”
“Right.” But the word barely made it out because I’d been looking forward to the break from Jasper.
“You two are going to the dance together, you’re a couple now. We have to give the crowds what they want.”
I had a feeling Ava had more to do with this decision than Jules. Zeke had popped up on her radar and for some reason, she didn’t want anyone else near him. What I couldn’t figure out was what had changed. Maybe she noticed that he’s a caring, loyal friend who is always there. Maybe she noticed the way he’s not uber hot-looking like Jasper but cute in his own way especially when he smiles. Maybe she noticed his lip ring and crooked teeth and found it just as cute and endearing as I did. Maybe.
Maybe I should’ve noticed all that sooner.
***
Jasper waltzed out of the bathroom, dressed in clothes, not in the costume. “I don’t think so.”
He flashed his typical lazy smile, which I’ve since learned is the smile he gives in every situation, even if he’s not happy at all. Like now. His muscles were all flexed and tense and his hair was a little mussed for this early in the morning.
“Come on, Jasper. We need you. This is perfect.” She nudged me and whispered, “Go work your magic. He’s your boyfriend.” She shoved me forward.
She probably wanted me to slather on the charm and use words like honey pie or sweetums. Not happening. I swayed forward but probably looked more off balance than sexy. “Aren’t we going to be prince and princess today?”
His smile faded and he twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. “You know I’d do just about anything for you, Pumpkin.” He leaned forward, letting his lips graze my cheek, whispering. “Especially since you write such fantastic papers,”—he spoke louder—“but there’s no way I’m wearing that. Sorry.”
He kissed me on the cheek. “See you at school.” Then he left.
Jules crumpled. “I’m sorry about the costume. I really am. It’s just that our fundraising didn’t make enough to cover the costs of what we wanted. This was the best I could do and now the whole day will be shot because all our plans revolved around you two in costumes. Everyone’s looking forward to it.”
It’s funny how the life-changing moments come without any warning, like a bolt of lightning flashing across the hot summer sky. Last year or last month I’d never do what I was about to do, but I’d changed.
I was still changing. This week had taught me something about the popular crowd. I used to think it was about the looks and the clothes but it’s more than that. It’s about perception. Creating the mirage that someone has what others want, whether it’s a car, a fancy house, nice clothes or the hot guy…or confidence.
For this past week, I’d jumped the social totem pole because of Jasper and my supposed sleep patterns with him. But the view from the top was no brilliant, mountaintop sunset. If anything, looking down, I could see the muddy tracks and destruction I’d left behind. The huge garbage pile underneath me, the horrid smell wafting up into the air. I didn’t like the view or the smell from the top.
“I’ll do it anyway. And I’ll speak alone at lunchtime too.”
Jules perked up. Her face went from surprise to something deeper. If I was changing and learning, so was my cousin. “Why would you do that? Especially…after last summer?” Her last three words came out as a whisper.
I shrugged, fighting back the tears. I knew Jules was sorry. Eventually, we’d talk about it. Until then, I forgave her. I just wanted my cousin and best friend back. “Because I said I would.”
***
I stood outside the school, hesitant and doubting. There are many perks to wearing a giant, puffy red heart costume that made me three sizes larger than I was and crinkled whenever I moved.
One, everyone would have to clear out of the way in hall, so no being late to class. Two, I’d have fun accidentally knocking papers off desks. Three, the material was really soft and velvety, very comforting. Four, I’d have fun memories to share with grandkids someday. Five, well, I’d be the envy of every girl in school—obviously.
Of course, just being my luck, the first person I bumped into at school was Michael. He laughed, then controlled it, finally speaking in a normal voice. “Cassidy?”
I stopped, wishing to God I was wearing something else. I felt like he hadn’t talked to me in days, other than brief hellos in the hall and nods in the cafeteria.
“Why are you doing this?” He focused on me as if trying to solve some kind of computer program, and that if he thought about it long enough, he’d find the answer.
I sighed. “For Jules. I wasn’t supposed to do it alone…but…oh, never mind. Long story.”
My locker wasn’t far away and the clock was ticking, so I made my down the hall. Michael followed. I grabbed my binder and a couple books.
He leaned against my locker and pushed his glasses up farther on his nose. “I don’t get it. Why?”
“You know Jules when she gets an idea in her head. The tiny hearts on my cheeks were a last minute flash of brilliance and the tiara was the princess touch, because really I was supposed to be a princess and Jasper was supposed to be my—”
“That’s really nice of you.” He coughed and his cheeks turned a little pink. He stumbled over his words and restarted a couple times before finally spitting it out. “Last summer, I really wanted this scholarship to go to a science camp. I mean I wanted it so bad I was obsessed. I went to extremes. I more embarrassed myself than anything…”
Was he about to admit he liked me? That Elena was the science camp he really wanted and how he realized a little late that the extremes he had to go to weren’t worth it in the long run. No way. I waited for my heart to soar and my stomach to flip-flop, but nothing happened. “Don’t worry about it. I know this is extreme, but she’s my cousin.”
“She’s lucky to have you for a friend.” He flashed me a warm smile, one I hadn’t seen since last summer.
I leaned against my locker, absorbing our conversation. Wow. That was totally unexpected. In a good way.
For the next couple hours, I delivered all the carnations. I just took one and put my name on it. Jules doesn’t need more than ten and I figured she owed me.
Jasper was supposed to be with me but I sucked it up and floated from class to class on the knowledge that Michael was finally starting to steer in my direction. Maybe my whole jealousy plan had worked. I could tell him later that I never did anything with Jasper and that I was saving myself for true love.
A bit tired, feet hurting, I arrived at English class a couple minutes past the bell but all I had to do was wiggle my hips to cause a little crinkle action and the teacher nodded me on to my desk.
“Excuse me. Pardon me.” I pushed my way down the narrow alley between the rows of desks until I reached an empty desk in the back.
Zeke raised an eyebrow, and I shrugged. He pointed to Jasper and raised his hands in question. I shrugged again. It’s really hard to sign or mouth the words: my fake boyfriend is so vain he didn’t want to dress up in a big fat puffy heart costume even if he could wear a crown.
Mr. Troller stood at the front of the room, fidgeting by straightening his bow tie several times. Finally, when my crinkles stopped, he cleared his throat.
“I don’t need to tell you that it’s your senior year. You’re about to leave the nest and fly into the world. You’ll have to find jobs and complete work or you won’t have a job for long. Consider your homework assignments as practice for the real world.” He paused, searching the faces of his students.
Some students groaned and hid their faces in their hands. Others looked pretty nonchalant as if they could drop off to sleep any moment. Then there were the top students, confident of their work and their ability to follow directions. Today, Jasper fell into that category.
Hot needle pricks of panic spread all over. The puffy costume didn’t help as the temperature in the room skyrocketed. I flashed back to the night after the party, when I was hurt and so low that nothing mattered. I whipped off his assignment, not thinking about the consequences.
Mr. Troller continued his little speech as he passed out the papers. I watched as Jasper’s floated and landed. Was that a big, fat F? Of course it was. I slumped low in my seat, keeping an eye on him.
He looked at the paper and once the grade had registered, he folded it once and slipped it into his backpack. Kind of like this morning, when he was more than angry that we suggested he wear such a ridiculous costume. He was boiling and bubbling on the inside, but to everyone else he was cool and in control with that lazy smile of his that said everything was okay in the world.
Mr. Troller lectured on theme and symbolism and I hung my head in shame. Zeke excused himself part way through, and I almost begged him to take me with him, anything to escape what could be my ultimate doom.
Finally, the bell rang, and for a stuffed heart, I moved pretty fast out of the room and into the safety of the hall. But it was impossible to hide. Minutes later, Jasper was right next to me, his arm draped on my shoulder, walking with me, step for step, and not saying a word.