“Ignore Gavin,” Cash said, following close behind me. “I do.”
Cash stuck next to me like glue, something he had been doing for days. Even though I could shoot like a man and hit what I was aiming at, these men would never let me out of their sight. It was irritating.
“Is that the first animal you’ve killed?” Cash asked in his quiet voice.
I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat, memories invading my mind. “No, that’s not the first living thing I’ve had to kill.”
And it wasn’t. Months ago, I killed a man. No, not a man - an animal. He had held me down and cut me, wanting to do things to me that were unspeakable. Because of him, my dad was dead and my mind would never forget the horror of that day. It would always live with me.
I would never escape it.
My hooded jacket protected me as a light mist began to fall. With the rain came a bitter cold that threatened to freeze everything in its path. The dead leaves and downed branches had quickly become slick and wet, forcing me to take my time and watch my step as we drudged through the dense woods.
Suddenly a snap came from our left, sounding like a booted foot breaking a branch in two. Cash grabbed my arm, stopping me from moving another inch. My eyes cut to the direction of the noise, trying to see through the trees. Cash stepped in front of me noiselessly, protecting me from whatever was out there.
I slowly switched the safety off of my gun. The click sounded ominous in the silence.
Cash raised his gun to his shoulder, his body rigid as he looked down the barrel. After a second, I saw his body relax. Whatever it was, he didn’t think it was a threat.
“Maybe it was an animal but keep your eyes open. It’s pretty thick woods around here. Perfect for hiding,” he said.
I nodded. “Let’s go. I’m soaking wet and it’s eerie out here.”
“Yeah. These woods give me the creeps,” Cash said. “I feel like we’re being watched but shit, I always feel like that.”
He chuckled but it held no humor. It was a rare sound coming from him - or any of us. We didn’t smile and we rarely laughed. There was nothing to be happy about. Ryder was gone and the world was crumbling. We were low on supplies and winter was setting in. Soon, I would have a baby without the one man I needed by my side. So no, there would never be another reason to smile again.
We left the woods behind and entered the open field. I could see Gavin far ahead, heading for Ryder’s home. My home.
Walking in silence for a few minutes, I stared off in the distance, wondering what lay beyond the woods. Only terror and death? Was that all this new world had to offer us? I thought about Ryder, wondering where he was or if he was even alive.
“I want to know what happened that day,” I blurted out.
Cash glanced over at me, squinting his eyes against the sun. He knew what I was referring to. There was only one day I cared about.
“Gavin told you the day we came back.”
I scoffed. “Gavin is overprotective. I know he didn’t tell me everything.” I forced the next words out. “I’ve got to know. Maybe it will help. I can’t go on like this, Cash. Living hurts.”
He glanced around, watching for trouble. “And dying is the easy way out, Maddie.” His voice lowered, sending a shiver of apprehension through me. “This war took something from each of us. I lost my family and so did you. Nothing will help us deal with that except time. The details of what happened won’t bring Ryder back.”
“I know. I just thought hearing the details might help me,” I said, keeping my eyes on the ground as we started walking again.
“Gavin say anything to you about our plans?” Cash asked, changing the subject.
“No. What plans?”
“Crap, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. I’ll let him tell you,” Cash answered, avoiding my eyes.
Before I could ask any more questions, he walked ahead of me, leaving me alone the last few yards to the house.
As I climbed the warped porch stairs, I avoided looking at the creek running alongside Ryder’s home. A blush colored my cheeks when I remembered being in that water with Ryder. He had held me next to him, his hands running over my body. That was the moment he told me that he loved me. The moment I would never forget.
I turned my back to the creek but I would never turn my back on the memories. They forced me to get up in the morning. They followed me to bed at night. They kept me company and were all I had left of Ryder. I held each memory close to my heart, refusing to let go.
Opening the door, my eyes took a minute to adjust to the dimness of the kitchen. I would never forget what it was like to walk into a room lit up with lights. Bright, sunny, and welcoming lights. With the rain outside, the house was dark and cold, not where I wanted to be right now.
I set my shotgun on the table and watched as Cash took off his hat and tossed it to a nearby chair. He looked as soaked and downcast as I felt.
“Y’all get anything?” Brody asked, walking into the room with a shortwave radio in his hand. Wearing layers of clothes, gloves with missing fingers, and a stocking hat, he looked nothing like the all-American athlete he once was. Now he looked like a refugee. A survivor of war.
“We got a few squirrels. Didn’t see much else,” Cash said, unloading bullets from his gun. He nodded toward the radio in Brody’s hand. “You fix that thing?”
Brody set the little metal box on the table and let out a frustrated sigh. “Yeah, it’s fixed. Little fucker gave me fits though. I’m not sure how much longer we’ll have it.”
I saw the stress lining his face and the exhaustion he couldn’t hide. I wondered if I looked the same.
“We’re in a shitload of trouble without that thing,” Cash said, motioning to the radio as if it were a thing of disgust.
We had a love/hate relationship with the shortwave. It brought nothing but bad news. But without it, we had no knowledge of what was happening in the outside world. We wouldn’t have known how strong the enemy had become. We wouldn’t have heard about the number of people left homeless or the urging for citizens to ration food and water. The news about Washington falling wouldn’t have reached us nor the names of political figures killed. No, we hated the radio but it was our link to the world, reminding us of how terrible a place the United States had become.
But one thing I had learned over the last few months was to tackle one problem at a time, and forget what I couldn’t change. Right now, there was one concern on my mind that I could face.
“How is she, Brody?” I asked him, pushing the wet hood off of my head.
“Today’s a bad day.”
I looked away from the pain I saw in his eyes. Brody loved Eva with all of his heart but even love wasn’t enough sometimes. Eva had come back from the terrorists’ makeshift prison camp a different person. She had suffered only minor injuries but most of her wounds were internal, something we would never see and couldn’t help heal.
“I’ll go talk to her,” I said, heading out of the kitchen.
“She hasn’t said a word to me today,” Brody said sadly.
His words stopped me, piercing my heart. Eva had been a carefree girl with a smart-ass attitude, never afraid to speak her mind. Now, she hardly spoke and was just a shell of what she once was.
“She’ll talk,” I said with more conviction than I felt. I needed my closest friend. Ryder was gone. Gavin wasn’t the same. I was desperate to have Eva back.
“Maybe we should just leave her alone,” Brody said, looking as if the words hurt him to say.
“No. This has gone on long enough,” I retorted.
Before he could argue, I hurried down the hallway, anger quickening my stride. I was angry with Brody. Angry at Ryder for getting shot and not returning to me. Angry with Eva for not being the same girl I once knew.
I found her in the spare bedroom, huddled in a chair and staring out the rain-splattered window.
“Eva, Brody said you’re not talking. What’s wrong?” I asked, stridi
ng into the room and stopping in front of her.
Eva took a deep breath and let it out with resignation. Wrapping her arms around her slender middle, she continued to stare outside, ignoring me.
The Eva I knew wouldn’t sit around and stare into space like this. She would’ve laughed at what happened to her and say, ‘screw you, assholes!’ I had to pull her out of this before I lost it and went crazy myself. That’s how desperate I was to have her back.
“Eva,” I whispered, leaning over to catch her eye. “You’ve got to snap out of this. Now.”
Nothing. Not a flicker of her eyes. Not even a turn of her head in my direction.
I sighed and stared out the window. I could feel the chill from outside, fogging the windowpane and making goose bumps race across my skin. Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I rested my head against the wall.
I closed my eyes and found Ryder. Smiling at me. Touching me. But pain wrapped around my heart like it always did when I thought of him. It squeezed, tore, and broke my heart in two. I bit the inside of my lip, refusing to cry. I can’t. I’ve cried so much. I have nothing left in me.
Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and found Eva watching me. Her eyes held sorrow but I saw something else in them. For a tiny second, the rebel in her flared to life, threatening to rip me a new one for being so weak. I held my breath, bracing myself for the snide remark I actually wanted to hear. But she turned away, staring out the window again.
I have to keep trying. Maybe push her a little further.
“So I shot a squirrel today. Can you believe that? Never thought I would say those words,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “You wanna know what else I never thought I would say?”
I’m having Ryder’s baby.
But I didn’t say the words. Instead, I walked over to the desk set against the wall. The same desk I had sat at when I checked the dates and discovered I was pregnant.
Papers were haphazardly tossed on top, some with drawings and others with numbers and letters. My back stiffened when I saw Gavin’s long, elegant handwriting. He had been using Ryder’s desk again, making notes and drawing plans for future projects around the ranch. A handmade plumbing system. A pickup that no longer ran converted into a wagon. A supply list.
I know it was irrational but the thought of Gavin taking over Ryder’s desk bothered me. Since returning home, Gavin had slowly consumed everything of Ryder’s. He slept in Ryder’s house. Ate at Ryder’s table. He wore some of Ryder’s clothes and even smelled like Ryder. I hated him for it because it seemed wrong, as if Gavin had given up on him. As if we all had given up on him.
I squashed down the anger and focused on Eva again.
“I miss him, Eva. I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t know what to do.”
When only silence answered me, tears filled my eyes and my chin began to quiver. Eva always knew what to do and say. I needed that now. For weeks, I thought I could pull her out of this haze she was lost in. Everyone had tried but she just stared at us with a forlorn expression. No one knew what had happened to her in the prison camp. It was driving Brody mad, not knowing how to help her. For me, it was just another wound in my heart, slowly killing me one day at a time.
Turning, I left her alone in the cold room. I needed to escape before I fell apart. Before the sorrow caught me, dragging me down to that dark place that I would never be able to leave. I felt despair so heavy, I wanted to sit down and never get back up.
But I didn’t.
I forced my feet to move and my heart to beat. I told my lungs to breathe and my mind to think. Every day, I forced myself to go on, surrounded by people I loved but feeling more alone than I had ever felt before.
Chapter Two
I took a deep breath and straightened my spine. I still had a small amount of inner strength left. The last thing I wanted was a bunch of men to see me crying over something that I couldn’t change. I didn’t want to give them any more ammunition to treat me with kid gloves. I planned on pulling my own weight around here, despite having boobs and missing a penis.
Brody and Cash glanced up at me as I walked into the kitchen, an unspoken question on their faces.
“She’s not talking to me either,” I told Brody, feeling hopeless.
He didn’t say anything at first. Crossing to the window, he stared silently outside.
When he finally spoke, words exploded from him, angry. “How much time is it gonna take? A week? A month? This is killing me! What did the fuckers do to her?”
I had no response. I wish I did. I wish I could solve all of our problems but that would take a miracle and miracles were in short supply around here.
Glancing out the rain-splattered window, I didn’t see the wet, cold world outside. I saw Ryder walking into the yard. An illusion. An image I wished was real. I’m always hoping and praying but I never see him. He never returns. I blinked and forced myself to see the here and now.
“Is Gavin still outside?” I asked.
“He’s in the barn,” Cash answered. “But it’s raining cats and dogs, Maddie. Just wait for him in here.”
Pulling the hood back over my head, I didn’t respond. I wasn’t afraid of a little rain and I needed some fresh air anyway.
I was almost to the door when it flew open, pelting me with raindrops. A big figure stood in the threshold. Tall and broad shouldered, the man took up most of the doorway.
“Where’re you going?” he asked, looking at me from beneath a dark hood. His eyes were hidden from view but I could feel them piercing me with wariness.
For just a second, I saw Ryder standing in front of me. The hood concealed his eyes and much of his face but his height matched Ryder’s perfectly. I sucked in a breath, my heart racing out of control.
“Maddie?” Gavin asked, stepping inside.
I shook off the feeling, feeling guilty for imagining Gavin as Ryder.
“I was going to look for you,” I said, backing further into the room as he advanced toward me.
“You don’t need to go out there. The rain is turning into sleet,” he said, giving me a once-over as he walked past. Sitting down, he pushed his hood back and ran a hand through his black hair. “The temperature’s dropping fast and everything will be frozen in the morning. We’re gonna freeze our asses off tonight.”
The sound of sleet hitting the windows confirmed his words. The noise made me feel colder and somehow more vulnerable. We’re at Mother Nature’s mercy. It wasn’t a good place to be.
Sitting down across from Gavin, I tried to bury myself further into the coat I wore - Ryder’s coat. It was too big for me, swallowing me whole. And it still smelled just like him, a scent I hoped never disappeared.
Two weeks ago the weather had turned cold. Texas winters could be unpredictable, sometimes dumping ice or snow on its unlucky inhabitants. Since we had left college abruptly, taking only what we could stuff in our backpacks, we had only packed summer clothes. Now we were desperate for warmer clothing. Eva and I raided the closets the morning we woke up to freezing temperatures. Between the two of us, we had found enough to last us all winter (if we wore things two or three days in a row). There are so many things I miss. Clean clothing and adequate heat being two of them.
I pushed the hood off of my head and tried to grab Gavin’s attention but he avoided looking at me. Something’s wrong.
“What’s going on, Gavin? Cash mentioned something about plans,” I said, grasping my hands tightly in my lap. I waited for the bad news. Isn’t that all we ever got around here anyway?
Gavin’s gaze snapped to Cash, irritation flaring in his eyes. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good.
Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table. Rubbing a hand over his face, he swore under his breath.
I waited, fidgeting in my seat, thinking that if he didn’t start talking soon, I might reach across the table and shake it out of him. When he finally spoke I almost wished he hadn’t.
“Winter is here and
the weather may get worse. We decided…I decided…to make one more run to town to look for Ryder. We leave in three days.”
I sucked in a breath. Blood drained from my face. They’re going after Ryder again! I had lost track of how many times they had rode away, hoping to find him but coming back empty handed. This time would be different. I just know it.
Gavin must have seen the spark of hope in my eyes because he shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning down.
“This is the last time, Maddie, at least until the weather starts cooperating again.”
What? That could be weeks from now.
“If you don’t find him this time, you have to go back, Gavin. He may not survive much longer. You know how he is. He’ll fight until they kill him,” I said desperately.
Gavin sighed. “We can’t continue doing this, Maddie. We need to face reality.”
I shook my head, refusing to listen. The reality was Ryder was coming back. Sometime, somehow, he would return to me. I just knew it.
“You need to understand that we may never find him,” Gavin said, his face grim. “He may be gone forever.”
Tears filled my eyes. Looking down at my lap, I swept them away, not wanting anyone to see them. My eyes landed on the tiny holes in my shirt. I picked at them, unraveling the threads like I was unraveling inside.
“Gone forever? Hell, Gavin, could you be any colder?” Cash grumbled, standing up and pushing his chair away.
Gavin jumped to his feet, his own chair hitting the wall behind him. Suddenly, he was in front of Cash, scowling.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Cash? Lie to her? Tell her that we will bring him home? That’s bullshit and you know it!” he snapped, balling his hands into fists and taking a threatening step forward.
Brody had been standing quietly on the sidelines, watching the drama play out. But the tension pushed him over the edge. “Both of you shut up! I’m tired of this shit!” he yelled.
Gavin’s body stiffened, ready to take Brody on too. “Stay out of this, Brody. Go take care of Eva or something,” he said with disgust.