Alex flushed and his stomach clenched. He groaned inwardly. He’d just told Angel to stop worrying, so why the hell couldn’t he do the same? His skin crawled and jealousy blazed, even as he argued with himself. Alex’s chest expanded painfully with his deep intake of breath, and he ran a hand over the stubble on his jaw. He pushed the laptop away impatiently and leaned back in his chair.
He tried to justify that the burning in his shoulders and neck came from hunching over the damn thing for the last two hours and not the fact that Angel’s ex, who was clearly still into her, was on the phone. Alex told himself, over and over again, that Kyle wasn’t a threat, yet he’d seen the other man’s face when he looked at Angel and heard the tone in his voice when he spoke about her. The primeval part of him roared and had his caveman ownership of Angel shoved into overdrive. It was a lack of control and he despised it. He didn’t like feeling threatened, and he didn’t like that his logical mind was unable to quell the tightness in his chest. He hated it. Fuck.
In reality, though, it was simple. Love breeds insecurity, and insecurity went against every confident bone in his body and everything he knew about himself. But, Alex acknowledged it was the nature of loving someone, of opening up your heart and spilling your guts on the floor at their feet. It was the quintessential giving away of power. When you love, especially in this all-consuming, gut-wrenching way, there would be the possibility of pain… even the absolute certainty of it. He snorted and ran a hand through his thick dark hair again. He even felt irritated to consider the possibility she might be swayed to leave him; let alone for some stupid fucker who’d cheated on her. It dawned on him that Angel’s insecurity echoed his own and he understood. She didn’t want to doubt any more than he did… but it seemed unavoidable. He sighed again.
In general, men don’t dive into sappy, revealing discussions about past relationships, and Alex, being Alex, was even less likely to do so. Mostly, because in life before Angel, he didn’t give a shit about who had come before him and spent zero time worrying the woman would ever end the relationship. If, on the off chance it would have happened, he would’ve simply shrugged it off and not felt the slightest twinge of regret. There were always others. That was B.A. Before Angel. A lot of things were B fucking A.
A sardonic smirk slid across his handsome face, and he shook his head at his thoughts. Part of him didn’t want to know any more than he already did about what went on between Angel and Kyle. But, a bigger, masochistic part—deep down in his gut—wanted to know every damn little thing. It was a searing need to know how deeply she’d felt, how far she was invested, how long they were together, and how hurt she was when he cheated on her… and, if there was a snowball’s chance in hell she’d ever want him again. He rationalized he was just sizing up an opponent in preparation for battle. That he could relate to.
Anyway, he is one stupid cocksucker, Alex’s mind railed. She couldn’t want him now. Kyle didn’t deserve her if he’d do something as brainless as hurt her like that. Alex huffed again. But, if Kyle was a moron, what did that make him? Hadn’t he almost done the same damn thing with Whitney? Thank God, he hadn’t been able to cash that check. And, Kyle had snapped Alex out of his jealous rage with a dose of his much-needed reality. He didn’t want to like the guy, but he had to be honest; it appeared he’d learned from his mistake and put Angel first.
He shook his head in disgust. What the fuck was he doing thinking about this crap? That was over. Long over.
Kenneth Gant, on the other hand, Alex didn’t see as a threat. Kyle might be because emotion had been involved and Alex was quickly learning that emotion was a selfish, greedy bitch. He glanced toward the kitchen again, hating that he couldn’t help himself. The mere fact that Angel left the room to speak to Kyle in private ignited his anxiety.
He was lost in his thoughts, work forgotten, when Angel came back into the living room and sidled smoothly onto his lap. His arms came around her, and he looked up at her as her index finger slid down his left cheek. She was here with him, in his arms and Alex’s heart began to unclench.
“You look so serious. What are you thinking about?” Angel asked quietly, a gentle smile playing on her mouth.
The words welled up in his chest, as he willed himself not to speak. All he wanted to do was ask why the other man called, but he didn’t need to look like an insecure asshole. Angel bent to kiss him, first his cheek and then softly on his mouth. His mind was working, so his response was distracted.
Angel pulled back and looked into his face, summing up his expression. His eyes didn’t meet hers, and she knew his wheels were churning. She smiled gently. She could ease this worry so easily, but it was somehow endearing and cute the way he was jealous, and he didn’t know how to process it. It put his emotions on the same playing field as hers. Her hand cupped his cheek, trying to bring his mouth into more-active play. Her heart thumped inside her chest.
“Hey—” she began seductively.
Finally, Alex couldn’t help himself. “What’d he want?” he blurted out.
A short laugh made her jerk in his arms. “Shhh… just kiss me.”
Angel’s reluctance to tell him, while it sounded teasing, only pissed Alex off. His hands closed around her upper arms, and he held her away, preventing her from continuing to kiss him. He scowled at her. “What’s so damn funny? Tell me what he wanted,” he demanded, eyes flashing angrily.
Angel smiled openly now and shook her head. “Nothing!” she protested. “Apparently, they’ve had some interest from a record company. He wants me to come back to the band.”
Alex’s brow furrowed further. “That’s not nothing.”
Angel’s head fell back in frustration. When she snapped her gaze back to his, she was resigned. “It is to me.” Her expression twisted derisively. “What part of ‘Kyle and I broke up because we wanted different things’ did you miss, Alex? I’m not going to change careers.”
“Is his deal contingent on you?”
“If it is, he needs to get better at negotiation.”
Alex’s mouth thinned in irritation at the confirmation of his worry. “So, it does. Why can’t you just tell me instead of making me pull it out of you?”
“Because it’s fun,” she said simply then bit her lip playfully. A teasing smile tugged at her mouth.
“It’s fun? Why don’t I agree?”
“Oh, Alex. Come on.”
“Maybe you should do it.” As much as he didn’t want her around a man who was still in love with her and would pull no punches to get her back, it was better than having her work with criminals who had no conscience about hurting her.
“I know you.” She rolled her eyes. “You’d just worry about other crap.”
“In a different way. You wouldn’t be in physical danger, at least.”
“Right, but you know I’m not going back to the band!”
“You said that before. Before you reconnected with Kyle. Before you were almost raped and killed.” His words weren’t loud and expletive, but the serious tone told her everything.
Her eyes softened. She saw the concern and love in his eyes and wanted to comfort him. Angel snuggled further into his lap, her hands closing around his, and began running whisper-kisses along his jaw as she chose to ignore the latter part of his comment. The light stubble that shadowed his skin tickled her lips. “We haven’t reconnected! Not like you mean. One conversation can’t change the course of my life.” Her tone changed to softly coaxing as she spoke against his skin. He could feel her warm breath.
He didn’t move. “Won’t it? Are you sure? One conversation was all it took for my life to change irrevocably.”
Angel pulled back to meet his eyes. “Well, me too. But it wasn’t the conversation. It was you.”
He stared at her unflinchingly, and she was equally unwavering, brown eyes locked with intense green ones.
“Alex, really?” she goaded gently, a giddy smile spreading across her face. Still he was stoic and clearly uncomfortable. “
I have to admit it makes me all kinds of happy that you’re jealous, but why?”
“We are still new, and you have history with him.”
“So? You have a bigger dick.”
He tried not to smile and didn’t quite make it. “I’m serious.”
She cocked her head and pursed her lips. “So am I.”
“Angel, stop kidding around.”
“Okay, should I worry that you’ll run back to Malibu Barbie?”
“No.”
“Just like that. No? No question. That’s it. Just, no.”
Alex’s thumbs began to rub circles on her hips as his hands spanned her waist.
“Yeah, no. Whitney lacked substance, and I wasn’t in love with her. You were in love with him.”
Angel couldn’t deny it, but why was his word law and hers in question? She had been in love with Kyle, but it was like comparing a spring shower to a hurricane. She tried teasing to make him feel better. The great Alex Avery was feeling anxious.
“I’m not supposed to worry when you bed-hopped across Chicago, but it’s okay for you to think I’ll run back to Kyle? Someone I haven’t been with for more than three years?” She pushed against his chest angrily and tried to get up, but his arms held her fast against him. “If you think so, then why are you suggesting I start playing with Archangel again?”
“Cut it out.”
She poked him hard in the chest with her index finger. “You cut it out! Maybe she fucks or sucks better than I do. Wasn’t that her job?”
Angel widened her eyes to make her point. She pushed her boobs up with both hands, letting them bounce back in place, then batted her long lashes at him in her best airhead impersonation. When he just stared at her, Angel cocked an eyebrow at him in question, trying hard not to smile. “Well?” she questioned and started singing a breathy, bimbo version of Stupid Girls.
Alex paused before he finally grinned, his white teeth flashing against his tanned skin. He was so beautiful; he stole Angel’s breath. “You put her out of business.”
Angel was dressed casually in those sexy, holey jeans Alex loved and a burgundy shirt that emphasized the curve of her breasts and left the top swell of cleavage open to Alex’s burning gaze. He bent his head to ghost his mouth over the top swells of her breasts, his hot breath rushing over her skin. A shiver skittered over her skin, and she stopped pulling away from him.
“Some business,” she scoffed.
“It was.” Angel jabbed him in the ribs and Alex howled. “Hey!”
“Well?”
“I know. Being insecure doesn’t sit well with me.”
“Let’s not fight about big dicks and who sucks better. You don’t want me to doubt you; so don’t doubt me. Deal?”
Alex’s face sobered, his hand moved up to push an errant tendril back from her face and behind her ear. “It’s hard to argue with your logic, but I do wonder since you loved him.”
It was Angel’s turn to pause, still straddling his lap as she considered what he wanted her to say.
“Are you saying you want to know what it was like between Kyle and I physically?”
“And Kenneth because he was recent, and I’ve met them both,” he said without pause, taking a tendril of her hair that was on her cheek and threading it behind her ear with a gentle hand.
“Seriously?” She tried to sound nonplussed.
Alex raised one eyebrow and nodded. “Against my better judgment.”
“And mine.”
“Though it’s my nature to be fully aware of the competition.” Alex’s eyes shot to hers and demanded she explain.
Angel sighed, knowing that male pride demanded she state the obvious. It was endearing that Alexander Avery—lover extraordinaire—would worry that any other lover would surpass his prowess. Ever. Angel realized it revealed he really did love her, and her heart filled, allowing any residual doubt of her own to disappear.
“Well…” she began, “Kyle was like a jack hammer—kind of all over the place, and Kenneth was like white bread.”
Alex’s lips twitched then put both hand up in front of him. “Fine.” Angel was a strong woman and he couldn’t believe she’d be with anyone who didn’t please her. She was with Kyle when they were younger, so maybe, but not more recently with Kenneth. She would have communicated with him if he wasn’t taking care of her. Alex felt sure of it. “You don’t have to tell me.” He couldn’t comprehend that any man, faced with someone as beautiful as Angel, wouldn’t want to make sure she was satisfied and panting for more.
Angel shoved her hand against his shoulder. “It’s true!” Alex’s wry expression told her he was skeptical. “It is. Don’t ask if you don’t want the answer.”
“I just would think that—”
Angel interrupted him in a quiet voice with her eyes cast down and her hands twisting together in her lap. “That it would be all that deep digging and slow adoration like sex is with you? No one is like you.”
“Babe,” he almost groaned, pulling her against his chest. He turned his head and slid his mouth along the curve of her neck, kissing and sucking as he went. He shifted her until she was straddling his lap, and her arms lifted, fingers threading through the hair at the sides of Alex’s head. A dangerous position, considering they’d agreed to take the night off from lovemaking, but he wanted to be as close to her as he possibly could. “Thank you. But, it’s because it’s making love. Not sex… but it’s not always slow,” he murmured against her skin, his face buried in the silken curtain of her hair.
“No, but it is a lot. I know you want to take care of me.”
“Always. I hope it shows that I love you.”
She nodded and her throat tightened. As much as she tried to tramp it down, it wasn’t like she hadn’t imagined him with Whitney and the ones before that, wondering if he was as amazing with them, as adoring, as he was with her. How could he not be anything but who he was? She pulled back, holding his head away from her with her hands. She wanted to know. She knew she should just not ask, but now it would eat at her until she knew.
“Alex?”
His green eyes were piercing as he read her thoughts.
Jesus, I’m a stupid idiot! Alex berated himself.
Now she’d be wondering about all the women he’d been with, just when she said she wouldn’t worry any more. Whitney, and a few others in his past had asked, but he just shut them down, telling them his life before they’d met wasn’t their concern. He’d never understood why it mattered, but looking into Angel’s sullen eyes, and with his own burning jealousy, he knew it did. Finally, with her, he understood.
“No. I don’t want to do the goose and gander bullshit.”
“Too bad. Is how you’re with me, just how you are?” She persisted. “Sex, in general?”
She swallowed hard, not wanting to ask, but he’d opened this can of worms, and God damned him, she was only human.
He could see her throat move and her eyes begin to glass over, and he wanted to kick himself. “No. I wasn’t invested.”
“I’m not asking that. I believe that emotionally it’s different. I’m asking how it was physically. You’re such a considerate lover. I mean, I—”
“Not even close, Angel,” he answered quickly. His tone lowered and he softly threaded his fingers in the hair at the side of her face, resting his forehead against hers. He wanted to communicate how he was feeling, not just say the words. But he knew the words he chose would be important. “Before, it was just about the act of getting off. It meant nothing to me, beyond release. I’m in love with you. I make love to you.”
She closed her eyes, and one traitorous tear fell. Alex bent to catch it with his lips and kissed her cheekbone, then her mouth, gently sucking on her lips and teasing her mouth open with the tip of tongue.
“I fucking hate that this even matters to me. I hate that I’m acting like those weak women who call the show, and I just promised not to think about this shit, but I know men, Alex. Either they are so self-centered t
hat the woman doesn’t matter or their ego demands they satisfy. So I’m sure you—”
“Your theory would also apply to Ken and Kyle, right? It’s true, but so what? I promised I wouldn’t lie to you again, so yes, I prided myself on… that. But it was irrelevant, other than it was one less thing for them to bitch about.” He could feel her stiffen in his arms and lean back, straining against his arms as if she wanted to create distance. “Baby, don’t pull away. Angel, stop. Fuck, I can’t believe I brought this up,” he chastised himself.
They were adults—healthy adults—and Alex was a virile man, more virile than most. It would be naïve to think he wouldn’t satisfy his women 100% of the time, and Angel was anything but naïve. Logic told her they both had past relationships, and though she didn’t expect that he’d be celibate; but knowing how intimate they were together, she didn’t want to think of him entwined with anyone else, feelings or not. She shouldn’t be hurt by something that happened before they even met, yet her heart burned and tightened in anguish. “It’s okay. I get it. We’ve both…”
He shook his head adamantly and pulled her close again. “No, Angel, we haven’t done any of this before. How it is between us, is not like anything before us. I was like a robot and pleasure for the woman was an obligation. With you, it’s the objective, and I won’t have you thinking otherwise. The way it is between us—you shouldn’t ever wonder.”
“I think we should both stop wondering and worrying,” she murmured.
“Agreed. We’re together, and if I have my way, I’ll never touch another woman again. And no one takes what’s mine. Okay?”
Angel’s He pulled her closer again and she let him, her hands lifted to his shoulders and slid around his neck as he nuzzled into her. He felt good. Warm and loving, his scent engulfing. Safe. “Does that mean you’ll never get jealous again?”
“Fuck no, but I hate it.”
“Mmmm, I can tell. I promised myself I wouldn’t let doubt ruin us. So let’s just promise no more secrets, and if we have doubts we won’t let it eat at us. We talk it out.”