So we kept talking, to keep from thinking—talking about the Hydrans of Cinder and what they’d been once. About what it must have meant to be part of a whole civilization that was united in a way the Human Federation could never be. About Cinder becoming life for the Hydran colonists and giving them shelter when their empire failed, until it had become a holy thing, a religion, to them. And about why they’d come all the way to the Crab:
“The Hydrans were miners? They mined telhassium, too.… Why?”
“Probably for the same reasons we do.”
“My people…” I felt my face twist.
Siebeling said, gently, “There’s nothing to indicate that they used slave labor. Respect for every part of life is as much a part of them as psionic ability; it has to be, to protect them from themselves. But don’t see them as simplistic saints and martyrs, either. They have their imperfections, they share the whole spectrum of emotion with human beings; they have their resentments and anger and selfish impulses, even if they can’t act on them as easily. And the ones you met here have had a long time and good reasons to grow inbred and xenophobic. They used you—even if you let them—to get what they wanted; just the way Rubiy tried to do. Accept your heritage, but accept it honestly. Don’t deny your humanity for a dream.”
I didn’t say anything, but I guess he understood what showed on my face. Because suddenly he looked down, and he was thinking about me being half and half … like his son had been half and half. The son who would never hear those words from him. Thinking about how I’d made him remember his loss, and see what had happened to his own life—made him look at it until he finally knew he had to live with it. And that all the thanks he’d given me was to make things worse than ever for me; that he’d hurt me just like he’d hurt … Jule, and everyone else. He said, “Cat, I don’t know how—”
“Look, just forget about it. It don’t matter now.” I realized that it really didn’t, anymore … any more than it mattered now if I never learned whether he was my father.
He didn’t say anything else for a while. But then he started to talk again, as if he was trying to explain something; I wasn’t even sure whether he was talking to me this time. “When you feel that if you looked around you, everything you’d see would be sick, with no way to cure it, you close your eyes—and your mind—until you don’t see anything anymore. Even a private hell is more appealing than a public one … sometimes.” He wanted me to understand why he hadn’t known what he was doing to me when he sent me back to Contract Labor.
“Yeah, I guess.” I felt him look at me. “Jule knew.”
“Yes,” he whispered. And it was back in his mind again, losing her, grief and fear for the only other one he’d shared as much with—the only other woman he’d ever loved as much as his wife. His wife: golden, her skin, her hair … she was beautiful … and he’d lost her too. And remembering all that again now was almost more than he could bear.
I didn’t know what to say, so for a while I didn’t say anything. Then I said, “Starfall,” which was what they said in Oldcity, when your house burned, when the surplus food allotment was contaminated.… when somebody lost everything. And I wanted him to know that in a way I did understand, but it seemed like it wasn’t enough. I thought about the time he’d said he was sorry to me, maybe he had meant it. I wondered what I’d really expected him to feel. “What did your kid look like?”
“My kid…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “He probably would have looked a lot like you, actually.”
“I wish I could have met him.”
He glanced at me, and smiled just a little.
* * *
The sun came up, fading the colored night into sea-blue. And I finally knew, without being told.… “Now. Stop, we’re there.” I looked out over the control panel. There was nothing to see except snow and sky glaring; but my inner sight showed me an energy source so bright it was almost black. I frowned. “Is it underground? There’s nothing out there, but I can feel—”
“Something’s out there; the instruments are going crazy. A shield generator would have to have at least part of its plant above ground; probably he left the scatter screen up around it. I think we’ll be seeing it any time now.” His hands tightened on the wheel.
I nodded. “Look, I’ve been thinking—let me go in first, alone, all right?”
“You?”
“Yeah. Stay out here and back me up. I mean, we don’t know what he’s planning—but if he’s out for revenge, it could be anything. And I just figure … that I could handle it better, being the telepath. There’s no way we can take him by surprise now. This way, if something happens, at least he won’t get us both at once, like he did with Jule and me.” I pulled on my gloves.
“I see.… Are you sure you can do this?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I won’t know till I try. But he’s got to know now that I beat him once, at least: when he tried to probe me after he murdered Dere. He ain’t perfect. That ought to be good for something.”
“You tricked Rubiy.” He’d known it for days, but now he finally believed it.
I grinned. “See, Doc, I ain’t such a deadhead, after all. If I did it once, I can trick him again. Dere always said that’s how psions play the game to win. Like playing Last Chance.” I twitched my hand, catching imaginary game pieces; trying to make myself believe it.
Siebeling didn’t say anything. He was thinking about what I’d said, and about Jule out there. And he wanted to be a telepath more than—“All right.”
I pushed the faceplate on my parka hood down and opened the door.
“Wait.”
I looked back at him.
“Do you want to try a joining?” He was almost embarrassed, as if he felt like he didn’t really have the right to ask.
“Yeah.… No.” This was something I had to do myself; something I owed to Rubiy. And some part of me still wasn’t sure I could count on being joined to Siebeling, if Jule wasn’t there between us. “It’s better if we’re not tied. But if I need help”—I jumped down into the snow—“you’ll know it!”
“Be careful. Don’t … take any chances.”
“Not with Jule’s life.” Ahead of me was only white noise. I started walking toward it.
TWENTY-ONE
THERE WASN’T ANYTHING—and then there was, right in front of me, as if it had been there all along. The shield control. Even though I knew what was happening, it startled me more than it should have. I stopped where I was, holding the cold, bright air in my lungs.
The building was a huge metal bowl flipped upside down, with a ring of towers and filament wires wrapping it like a web. The bowl was coated with ice, in layers that had rippled and run, flowed and refrozen along lines of force until it looked like a spun-sugar castle. The silver-coated towers dripped icicles like frozen tears. And all around it a forest of the crystal trees made their glittering music. The sight took my breath away. For a long minute I stood there forgetting everything but my eyes. But then I remembered what this place was, and how it had cut off a whole world from the rest of the galaxy. I made my eyes search out the entrance, and started toward it.
And as I walked, I thought about what I was doing here. And how half a year ago, back in Oldcity, there wasn’t anything that could have gotten me to do this … nobody I would have done it for. Then I thought about how I’d never wished I was back in Oldcity instead, no matter what was happening to me here. No matter what. I focused my thoughts and wove my mind into a wall, blocking the bright noise of the shield’s energy and my own battered body. None of that was important now; it was only static, and once I stopped listening, it didn’t exist. There was no trace in my mind of anyone else’s trying to reach me—not Jule, not Rubiy. I took out my stungun, and then I went into the building.
The hallway was dark after the brightness of the snow, but not too dark for my cat eyes. I pushed back my hood and unfastened my parka so I could move easily. There was humming in the air, and something more??
?the crackling overflow of trapped energies—that made my skin tingle. I couldn’t help wondering if it was something more than the shield. But still there was no touch against my mind. I could almost be here alone. I didn’t let my mind explore, letting Rubiy make the first move instead. I could see light up ahead now, real light, coming from one of the control rooms.
I reached the doorway and stepped into the light. The first thing I saw was Jule, just sitting there, waiting. But not because she wanted to. Her dark hair floated on the charged air as she turned her head to look at me; her mouth was open as if she was trying to warn me, but couldn’t. Her gray eyes were the eyes of something caught in a trap.
“Well, Cat. It seems I’m a good judge of human nature after all.”
I raised my head. Rubiy was waiting for me across the room. He was sitting in front of a control panel, with circuitry creeping up the walls, surrounding us all. It made me think about webs: spiderwebs, mindwebs. I raised the stun gun, and like some fool in a threedy show I said, “You’re under arrest, Rubiy. If you move I’ll—”
The stun gun jerked itself out of my hand and flew across the room. I watched it drop down on the panel behind him. I’d been so caught up in protecting my body from a mind attack that I’d forgotten to watch the gun. I kept trying to swallow, but all of a sudden my throat was as dry as dirt.
“You won’t be needing that.” His face was as calm and unreadable as ever, as if nothing ever touched him.
I shrugged, trying to match his expression. “I’ve come. What do you want?”
“So, you really came to risk your life for Jule taMing? For the daughter of Centauri Transport?”
I nodded, holding my mind closed as tight as a fist. But still he didn’t try anything against it.
“And even you were working for Corporate Security all along. My compliments to them. Your cover was ingenious.”
“Good enough to fool you.” I touched my bond tag.
“So it seems.… And you’re still wearing that. It must be satisfying to know you’ve been so well-rewarded for your loyalty to the Federation Mines.” He raised an eyebrow.
I tried to laugh, but the truth made it stick in my throat. “Look, what do you want with us?”
“What do you want, Cat? To take me prisoner, and go back to the mines as your reward? Is that why you came? Is it worth that—are they worth that to you?”
“Shut up.” I went to stand beside Jule and touched her shoulder. I couldn’t reach into her mind.
“Cat. I’ll tell you what I want.…”
I looked back at him. And suddenly I was seeing a real face, tight with strain and fear, his eyes that saw his own humiliation and death ahead. And his mind was open—he’d dropped his guard to me.
His mind clawed at me: (I want to get out of this! Help me, Cat, you’re the only one who can. Turn me in and they’ll destroy me, they’ll destroy you too. Help me—and I’ll teach you everything I know. I’ll make you a better telepath than I am. Work with me and you can still have everything I promised, everything you ever wanted—!)
I felt my hands cover my ears as if they could shut him out. Lies, why should he…? But I took a step toward him. Jule gasped, as if she felt my control slipping.…
But his mind was open to me, it was all true. And I’d known all along that this was what he’d wanted me for, what he’d planned for me all along. He couldn’t believe that I hadn’t understood—that Galiess was too old, that he wanted someone new and smart, someone young. Galiess knew he’d chosen me—she resented it, and that was why she’d resented me. But she was loyal; together they would have helped me, they would have taught me … I was only a raw beginner. I’d created sophisticated results out of blind ignorance, I didn’t even know the things I could really do.
Or what I had done. No one had ever tricked him before. But I’d tricked him. I pulled him down, me, the half-breed kid—but he didn’t hate me for it. He admired me. If I helped him now, we could still escape this trap together. He’d take me with him, there wasn’t anything I couldn’t be, or have.… And my mind was full of what it would be like, again: the worlds and the wonder, the power, the satisfaction, knowing they all had to ask me.…
And this was why I’d been afraid to face him. Because now I wanted it all. I wanted to know what I could really do with my mind. I wanted to be everything I could be, proud of my Gift and in control.… I wanted to know how it would feel to have everything money could buy, power, respect.… (Everything I want—everything?) I looked at Jule; my hand slid down her back in a caress.
Her face froze as she understood; but then her eyes said that she understood everything, before they dropped away. And that she knew there was no hope.
(Jule, I—) I pulled my hand back.
(Take her, if you want her!) Rubiy caught my mind. (Use her, stop being a fool! Don’t you know who she is; what the taMings stand for? They’re one of the most powerful and corrupt families in the Federation! Centauri Transport is part of the cartel that hired me to take over the Federation Mines! You’ve let her seduce you all along: for what? Have you forgotten Oldcity, the slums of Quarro? She never cared about you, none of them do. They’re all alike, parasites feeding off the combines that feed off the gutter scum—you and me, Cityboy! Always the ones who suffer and bleed … because they keep it that way. Because they need it. We make the systems work, our suffering, our deaths. They’re using you, they’ve always used you. Hate them.…)
The way he hated them. I touched his hatred, and black bitterness, rage like cold diamonds, ripped me inside. There was no light in the world, only a craving hunger, the need to survive. There was nothing I wouldn’t do, nothing I couldn’t do to them; they deserved it all and it was my right.…
But it wasn’t my right. I was only half human … and half Hydran. And now at last I saw what that really meant—that a part of every other Hydran lived in that half of me: a presence born into me like instinct, the presence of the people who rejected the ultimate use of power. To take a life was the unforgivable wrong; to destroy another was to destroy yourself.
“No … I can’t.” I stood beside Jule again, my mind torn in two, my hands tightening into fists. Jule, who was only Jule, who’d never done anything to me but show me she believed in me. But at the same time I knew that everything he said was true, and that another part of me hated half the universe for the things they’d done to me, to him, to so many others like us for so long.… That he had the right to hate them. That we were the same … once.
But not now. Now I saw how hate and power had twisted him into the thing he hated. Nobody mattered to him. He only wanted me because when he looked into my face, he saw himself. I didn’t even exist, to him; I was nothing but a mirror. He was going to destroy the only thing that had ever mattered to me—the thing I shared with Jule, and Siebeling—and use me to do it. He’d use me worse than anyone had; he’d destroy me with his mind sickness.… He was crazy, and I had to stop him—
I had to look at him. His face was a lie; his eyes didn’t show me anything. I knew then that it was too late to stop anything. I’d let him through my guard, and into my mind—
He took control of it.
Then I learned about triumph, and thought maybe I was going to die of it: he held my mind cupped in his hands, he could smack them together and smash it like a bug; every time I breathed it was only because he let me. He waited, letting me feel it, letting me see how strong he was; that no one could stop him, we were all crazy even to have tried.
He nodded, and his mind’s hand loosened around me. “I’ve misjudged you twice now, it seems. The first time I underestimated you, and I paid for it. At least this time I didn’t make that mistake. This time the mistake was yours, half-breed: you’ve lost sight of reality. I am—disappointed. I’d hoped.… But your choice is plain enough.”
So I knew what would happen next. We were all going to die. And it wouldn’t even be because we’d ruined his plans; it would be because we’d hurt his fucking p
ride. Now he was going to prove that he was still the strongest, and the best. He didn’t have anything else left, no way to escape, no future; but he could still have that much. He’d get his final satisfaction from the three of us, and especially from one half-breed bondie who’d ruined everything.… (Siebeling!) I called him without even meaning to. No, don’t think about him, he’ll—
Rubiy smiled. He already knew. (Think about him all you like. He’s coming to join us now. We’ll wait for him; it won’t be long.)
He picked something up from the control panel, came and put it into my hands, cold metal. Static sparked in my palms as it touched them, and made me flinch. I tried to feel surprised, looking down at it, but I couldn’t. It was a tightbeam energy weapon. In my whole life I’d only seen one a couple of times, on Corpses in riot squads.
I looked up into his smile, and didn’t need to ask what he wanted me to do with it. But the pictures came into my mind, where I couldn’t close my eyes to keep them out; and I saw my hand press the button—to kill Siebeling, and then Jule, and finally myself. I wouldn’t be able to stop it, and neither would they, because he’d have control of us all. He could make us do anything to each other. Anything. My mind started to form images of … No! I jerked the gun up, trying to aim it at him.
And then suddenly my throat closed and I couldn’t get any air. Seconds passed and more seconds and more; the paralysis didn’t come undone. The room floated around me. I got too dizzy to stand; I went down on my hands and knees with my chest on fire, clawing at my throat.… And then he let me go, and I crouched panting with my head down, my eyes shut.