I could tell she was happy to see me by the way she curled her upper lip into a sneer.
“You look awesome today,” I said.
“You look like the worm I found in my salad,” she replied.
See? She couldn’t hide how much she liked me.
“What invention is the girls’ dorm working on for the contest?” I asked. “Just curious.”
She stared at me. “It’s a germ catcher. We call it Bernie.”
I love a girl with a sense of humor.
“What’s the Rotten House invention?” April-May asked. “Wait. Let me guess. It’s a new way to barf through your nose.”
Funny? I told you—she’s a riot.
“Give up, Bernie. Rotten House can’t win,” April-May said. “Since you’re so curious, I’ll tell you what my idea is. It’s a rainmaking machine.”
I laughed. “For sure,” I said. “And at Rotten House we invented a machine that turns dirt into peanut butter!”
She sneered at me again. What a beautiful sneer! “You don’t believe me? I’ll show you,” she said.
“You’re gonna make it rain?” I said.
“Stand right there. Don’t move,” she said. She turned and ran into the dorm, her blond ponytail bouncing behind her like a…like a…like a ponytail.
“She’s gotta be kidding,” I told myself. A machine that makes it rain? That’s totally insane.
DRIP. DRIP.
I felt a few raindrops on my shoulder.
A few more raindrops on top of my head.
“She did it!” I cried. “She can make it rain!”
“Owwww!” Something hit me hard.
Cold water poured down my hair and my face.
I looked up and saw April-May leaning out a high window. She was dropping water balloons down onto me.
She had the most awesome smile on her face!
My shoes squished as I slumped away. I was drenched. And I still had no idea for an invention.
Shaking off water, I made my way back to Rotten House. I stepped into the front hall and saw Mrs. Heinie, our dorm mother. She was leaning over a table, using a DustBuster. The DustBuster roared as she swept it back and forth.
Mrs. Heinie stopped for a second—tilted back her head—and sneezed.
And it gave me an idea. An AMAZING idea for an invention!
“Thank you, Mrs. Heinie!” I shouted happily. “Thank you! Thank you!”
She wiped the snot off her nose with the back of one hand. “You’re welcome,” she said.
Chapter 7
A SOLID PLATINUM WINNER
The morning of the contest, Belzer carried my invention to the auditorium. “Careful with that,” I said, walking beside him. “It’s worth a FORTUNE.”
We stepped into the auditorium. “I feel kinda nervous,” Belzer said. “URRRRRRP. Oh, no. I just burped up some of my breakfast.”
“How many times do I have to tell you? Peel your hard-boiled eggs before you eat them!” I said.
I grabbed the invention away from him. I used his T-shirt to wipe the barf off.
The auditorium was packed with Rotten School kids. I held the invention up high as I walked down the aisle. “Don’t cheer now!” I shouted. “Hold your applause till after I win!”
The three judges were already onstage—Headmaster Upchuck, Mrs. Heinie, and Mr. Skruloose, the assistant headmaster. They sat at a long table in front of the curtain.
Headmaster Upchuck is pink and bald and very short. He was sitting on two phone books, but his head still didn’t come above the table.
Mrs. Heinie was dressed in the official school colors—puke green, vomit purple, and you-know-what yellow. She had a sweet smile on her face as she squinted out at the audience through her thick glasses.
Mr. Skruloose is a big, balloon-chested, stiff-as-a-broom, tough-guy dude. He thinks he’s in the army or something. He calls every kid soldier and makes us march to class—even the first graders.
I saw that spoiled rich kid Sherman Oaks jump onstage. Sherman lives in Nyce House, the dorm we all hate. Sherman is so spoiled and rich, he pays someone to floss his teeth for him. No joke.
I saw what Sherman was doing onstage. He was slipping each judge a hundred-dollar bill. That made me a little tense.
“Don’t worry about Sherman,” I told myself. “No way this machine can lose!”
I flashed the judges a thumbs-up and gave them my big Bernie B. grin. And I carried my invention backstage.
The guys from Nyce House and the girls from the girls’ dorm were standing tensely beside their inventions. They were waiting for the curtain to go up and the contest to begin.
I held my machine up to them. “You can tell a real winner when you see it!” I said. “No one will blame you if you quit now!”
“Where did you find that piece of junk?” Sherman Oaks sneered. “At the trash dump?”
April-May sneered, too. “Bernie, did you make that out of LEGO blocks when you were five?”
Everyone laughed.
The curtain rolled up. We were standing in front of the whole school. “Welcome, Rotten students,” Headmaster Upchuck said. “As you know, all three dorms are competing today in the Make-a-Great-Invention Contest. Kids from the winning dorm will go to Preppy Prep Prep for a week.”
“My bags are packed, sir,” I said. I held up my machine. “Maybe you’d like to save time and pick the winner now.”
The Upchuck ignored me. “Nyce House will go first,” he said. “Tell us about your dorm’s invention, Sherman.”
Sherman stepped forward. He smiled his perfect smile at the judges. He held his invention in one hand. It glowed in the spotlight.
“It’s a solid platinum cell phone,” he said.
“Very good, soldier,” said Mr. Skruloose. “That’s a beauty. How did you make it?”
“I didn’t make it,” Sherman replied. “My parents bought it for me. It’s worth five thousand dollars.”
Mrs. Heinie squinted at it through her thick glasses. “Oh, my. You mean you didn’t invent it?”
Sherman shook his head. “No. But that’s not the important part. Let me tell you the important part.”
Headmaster Upchuck scratched his bald head. “Important part?”
Sherman nodded. “I’m going to sell the platinum and give all the money to you three judges!” he said.
A grin spread over Headmaster Upchuck’s pink face. “Oh. Very good,” he said. “Very good invention, Sherman. I like it!”
“Soldier, I never take bribes,” Skruloose said. “But you’ve won me over with this one. I salute you!” He gave a snappy, two-fingered salute. “Very clever, soldier. Excellent!”
Mrs. Heinie was smiling, too. “I think we have a winner,” she said. “But let’s see what the girls invented.”
April-May June stepped to one side of the stage with her friend Sharonda Davis. They pulled out a HUGE machine, about eight feet tall. It had pipes and coils and electrical wires, and two long arms with metal pinchers at their ends.
April-May and Sharonda walked offstage and came back pushing a small bed. They lined it up next to the machine.
“Let me show you how this works,” Sharonda said. She pushed a button on the machine, and the two pincher-arms started to move.
“Our invention makes the bed for you in the morning,” April-May said. “Look. It even fluffs up the pillow.”
The two arms straightened the bedcovers. Then they fluffed the pillow.
“Watch carefully,” Sharonda said. “When the machine is finished, it folds up and becomes a couch.”
The machine folded in on itself. A huge cushion slid up. The two girls sat down on the couch.
The auditorium roared with applause.
“Pretty good,” Headmaster Upchuck said. “Pretty good.”
“Not as good as Sherman’s phone,” Skruloose said. “Of course, the money he’s going to give us has nothing to do with my decision.”
Sherman ran over and pushed another hun
dred-dollar bill into Skruloose’s shirt pocket.
“We should stop here,” Mrs. Heinie said. “But I suppose we have to see what my Rotten House boys have done.”
Skruloose motioned to me. “Stand at attention, soldier. Show us your invention.”
“Oh, wow. It’s showtime. Here goes,” I said. “Wish me luck, dudes.”
Chapter 8
AN INSIDE-OUT NOSE
I stepped to the front of the stage. “I’d like to start out by singing the Preppy Prep Prep school song,” I said. “I learned it because I know that my friends and I will be going there right after we win the contest.”
I took a deep breath and started to sing.
“Where does everyone keep in step, step, step?
At Preppy Prep Prep…Preppy Prep Prep…”
Some kids started to hiss and boo. Guys screamed for me to stop. Fights broke out.
“SOLDIER, JUST SHOW US THE INVENTION!” Skruloose bellowed, waving a fist in the air.
“The invention?” I said. “But I have six more verses of the song.”
“BOOOOOO!”
“Okay, okay. Here it is,” I said, holding it high. “I know it’s brilliant. You don’t have to cheer or applaud.”
“What is it?” Mrs. Heinie asked.
“It’s a battery-powered Nose Vac,” I said. “You know. Sometimes it’s hard to blow your nose. Or your nose is feeling kinda stuffed up. But you’re in class, so you can’t really pick it.”
All three judges squinted at me in silence. I guess they were totally impressed.
“This has 1000-horsepower suck-ability,” I said. “You hold this nozzle up to your nose, flick it on—and it suctions out your nose so you’ll never have to blow it again.”
Headmaster Upchuck shook his head and frowned. “I think we’ve seen enough,” he said.
“Get off the stage,” Mr. Skruloose growled.
“No, wait,” I said. “I have a demonstration. I think this will impress you a lot.”
I called my buddy Feenman out onstage. “Feenman, how’s your nose?” I asked.
“All stuffed up,” Feenman said, just as we had rehearsed. He sniffed, then gave out six or seven really loud sneezes. By the time he finished, I was soaking wet.
“Don’t overdo it,” I whispered. I turned to the audience. “Watch how the Nose Vac quickly takes care of the problem.”
I clicked it on. The machine let out a roar. I raised it to Feenman’s nose. The Nose Vac roared and kicked.
Feenman’s eyes bulged—and he opened his mouth in a HOWL of pain!
I struggled to pull the Nose Vac off—but it was stuck to his nose!
“Get it off! Get it OFF!” he shrieked.
I tugged it and twisted it and pulled with all my strength.
“OWWWWW! It hurts! It HURTS!” Feenman wailed.
“Shhhh. Quiet,” I said. “You’re ruining our chances.”
Finally, I clicked the Nose Vac off and dropped it to the stage. Feenman raised a hand to his nose. “It’s inside out!” he shrieked. “You turned my nose INSIDE OUT!”
I kept a big grin on my face. “It’s supposed to do that!” I told the judges. “That’s Step One.”
Feenman held his nose and wailed in pain.
“That scream—that was Step Two!” I said.
“Hurry—get Feenman to the nurse!” Mrs. Heinie cried.
“Okay, okay. The Nose Vac has a few bugs,” I said. “But it’s still the best—right?”
Headmaster Upchuck climbed to his feet. “The judges have reached a decision,” he said.
“MY NOSE!
Chapter 9
AND THE WINNER IS…
A hush fell over the auditorium. Everyone was silent—except for Feenman, who was still screaming and holding his inside-out nose.
“The girls’ invention is the best!” Upchuck announced.
April-May and Sharonda and all the girls in the auditorium went wild, cheering and shouting, jumping in the air and slapping high fives.
“We’re going to PPP!” they cheered. “We’re going to PPP!”
I fell to the floor on my knees. I buried my face in my hands. I could feel my heart breaking in two.
“We’re going to Preppy Prep Prep!” Sharonda shouted.
“No, you’re not,” Headmaster Upchuck said.
The room grew silent again.
“The girls’ invention is the best,” Upchuck said. “But who cares? Do you really think I’d give up a chance to get rid of Bernie Bridges for a whole week?”
I raised my head. I climbed back to my feet. What was he saying?
“I’ve been dreaming of this moment!” Upchuck said. “I’ve tried locks on my door. I’ve tried locks on Bernie’s door! I’ve tried electric fences! I’ve tried voodoo dolls! Anything to keep Bernie away. And today…today my dream has come true. A whole week without Bernie Bridges!”
My mouth dropped open. I cupped one ear. Was I really hearing what I was hearing?
“Bernie’s invention stinks!” Upchuck said. “But I don’t care! Bernie and his friends are going to Preppy Prep Prep. Good-bye, boys, and good luck!”
Chapter 10
BELZER’S PPP PROBLEM
A week later, Feenman, Crench, Belzer, and I stared out the windows as our bus pulled up to the Preppy Prep Prep campus. We gazed at a field of white and yellow flowers, a wide, green lawn, tennis courts, and tall buildings covered in ivy.
Two girls trotted past us on horseback. “Check out the stables over there,” I said, pointing to a long, red-roofed building.
“Bernie, what are those kids doing with those hammers?” Belzer asked.
I squinted out at the lawn. “Those aren’t hammers. They’re mallets. They’re playing croquet,” I said.
“Can you hit each other with those things?” Belzer asked. “That would be cool!”
The bus came to a stop. The four of us eagerly jumped off.
A boy and a girl came running across the parking lot to greet us. They both had wavy blond hair and blue eyes and big smiles on their tanned faces. They wore their official PPP school uniforms—white polo shirts and khaki shorts.
“We’re the Welcoming Committee,” the girl said. “I’m Alli Katz, and this is my friend Corky Pigge.”
I flashed them my best smile, the one with the adorable dimples. Then I introduced myself and my three buddies.
“What happened to your nose?” Alli asked Feenman. “It’s totally inside out.”
“A tiny accident,” I said. “No big deal. He can still breathe through his mouth.”
Alli pulled out a clipboard. She thumbed through several pages. “Your bus is two minutes late,” she said. “But we can make up the time.” She kept tossing her blond hair back over her shoulders as she scanned the pages on her clipboard.
“I have your schedules here,” she said. “I marked off your free times and your work times.”
“Alli is very organized,” Corky said.
“I signed you up for several activities,” she said. “We have an after-school work program I know you’ll want to be part of.”
“Huh? Work?” Crench cried. “Is she kidding?”
I clamped a hand over his mouth.
“I have you staying in Pigge House,” Alli said. “I think you’ll like it there.”
“Pig House?” I said.
Corky nodded. He had a stubby nose, which he kept stuck up in the air. “It’s named after my great-great-grand-pater,” he said. “My family is one of the founding families of PPP. There’s been a Pigge at Preppy Prep Prep for over two hundred years!”
“Awesome,” I said.
Feenman giggled. I clamped my other hand over his mouth.
“I know all the school traditions,” Corky said. “Tuesday is Wear Clean Underwear Day. Don’t forget that. We gargle with mineral water on every other Thursday. And do you know the shoelace rule?”
“Don’t think I do,” I said.
“Shoelaces are worn inside the shoe,
” Corky said. “Never outside.” He showed me his shoes. I couldn’t see any shoelace.
Alli thumbed through more pages on her clipboard. “I’ve drawn you maps of the campus,” she said. “And floor maps of each building. I outlined the paths to the classroom buildings in yellow.”
“I told you, Alli is very organized,” Corky said again.
Alli handed out our schedule sheets. “I made a list of several good times for you to go to the bathroom.”
“How about now?” Belzer asked. “That was a long bus ride!”
Alli checked her clipboard. “Sorry. Not on the schedule.”
Chapter 11
WHO’S GOT THE INVENTION?
“First is the campus tour,” Alli said. “We will walk exactly three quarters of a mile. That will be one thousand, two hundred, and forty-two steps. Follow me.”
We started to walk across the lawn. “That’s where you’ll park your motor scooters,” Alli said. She pointed to a long row of scooters. “I’ve assigned four bikes, and I wrote down the serial numbers for you.”
“Beats walking!” I said.
“That lake over there is Pigge Lake,” Corky said. “It’s named after my great-great-great-grand-mater. Pigges have always loved the water.”
“It’s a sailboat lake,” Alli said. “You know. For radio-controlled sailboats.”
“Cool. Can you sink ’em?” Feenman asked.
“He’s joking!” I told Alli. “Feenman loves to joke.”
“I love to sink things!” Feenman said.
Alli pointed to an ivy-covered building with a wide, outdoor patio. “That’s Crumpet Hall,” she said. “That’s where we have afternoon tea.”
I flashed her another winning Bernie B. grin. “I think we’ll feel right at home here,” I said.
“I set up laptops in your rooms,” Alli said. “And I downloaded your schedules.”