****************************************************************************
“Hey, Rams, do you have wings?” the girl said, after a round of crazed laughter while they were making sand angels, the version of snow angels you make on the beach, she had expertly explained.
“Of course I have!”
“Would you show them to me?”
“You want to see my true form?” he asked, turning to face her and resting on his elbow and forearm.
“I bet they’re silky black, just like your hair! And probably velvety soft like your eyes!”
“Well, they are black,” Ramiel muttered, somewhat taken aback by her perfect description of something she had never seen.
“So show them to me, won’t you? I feel like seeing something truly beautiful tonight!”
“Aren’t the stars and the moon enough for you? We came to the beach, you said that would make you feel better. Now you want me to reveal myself in my most intimate form?”
“I have this feeling everything I’ve ever considered beautiful would pale in comparison. I guess I just want to be mesmerized!”
Ramiel shook his head and got up from the couch. Why had he remembered that conversation with her? They had only known each other for a few short months at the time, yet he had already shared most of his secrets with her. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend, a former player who had given up his ways for her, but ended up hurting her in so many other ways that Ramiel sometimes thought cheating on her would have been easier to bear. That night she had been so lifeless that he had told her he’d do anything to cheer her up. She had said she’d have liked to see the beach, so he had gotten in her car and driven it to the nearest sea. A few hours later they were lying on the sand, playing and laughing, then she’d turn serious and asked about his wings.
He definitely intended to refuse her but that wasn’t something easy to achieve, not when it came to her. He had ended up standing tall in front of her, his wings spread in the night’s breeze, the stars and moon glowing behind him. She had watched him for what seemed like forever, with a warm smile on her face and tears falling freely from those bright eyes of hers. She had whispered her thanks and patted the spot next to her, asking him to sit down. He reverted to his day to day appearance of jeans, tee, and casual shoes and had sat next to her. She had put her head on his lap and cried herself to sleep. He had kept her warm with only his thought, one of the many powers of angels.
Why was he thinking about that? Why couldn’t he shake it off? A year had passed since, they had become even closer friends... Why think of the past like that? He probably missed her that much, he thought, and sighed. A week had passed without as much as a text from her. Tomorrow... it would be Sunday again. Would she keep her promise? Or was she actually upset with him? Ah, humans, that wouldn’t actually be so surprising! Her taking all the frustrations built up because of that unrequited love of hers and throwing them his way.
“Huh! I haven’t had a chance to think about Shamsiel though...” he said out loud. “Man, freaking silver linings!”
There was no point in staying cooped up in his apartment on a Saturday night and worry about it anyway, so he grabbed his wallet and a jacket and walked out, thinking of places to go to and people to see. He ended up at the small pub they always hung out in, a tiny little place really, with rock music and a really friendly bartender who was also the owner and had gone to the same college as her. That was actually where he had first met her one drunken night, after picking up a pierced and tattooed youngster that he had taken to the back alley and plundered thoroughly until the poor soul could barely stand.
That used to be his routine. Go out to a bar, drink himself into oblivion, pick up someone and have his way with them. Gender, age, background, those things didn’t really matter as long as he found the person attractive. If the Supreme Being had chased him out of the Pristine Gardens, he’d earn his banishment!
She had picked up on his loneliness, bought him a drink and chatted him up for the rest of the evening. Usually, he’d go straight home after having one more drink, post-release, but that night he had stayed on for some reason. And every night for the following month he’d return in hopes of seeing her. She would come a few times a week, with friends or the guy who was still her boyfriend at the time, but she’d also include Ramiel in her evenings. That was how he had made a few more friends, but none had ever gotten as close as her.
They had eventually exchanged contact details and started to plan their outings ahead, and by breakup time they were already thick as thieves, to only get closer afterwards. He had stopped sleeping around, as he saw no point in continuing. Having fun with her alone or with her group of friends was far more distracting than sex with strangers. In the end, he had realized, he needed a connection, not sexual release. He needed to belong after having been cast away from the only home he had ever known.
He smiled to himself when he finally realized he was anxiously hoping to find her there again. He breathed in and out a few times and pushed the door open. He quickly looked around and knew she wasn’t there, so he walked to the bar and sat on one of the leather stools, waving at the bartender.
“Hey, Ramy! What will it be?”
“Hey yourself! Beer, please!”
“Coming right up! Alone tonight?”
“Seems like,” he answered, forcing himself to smile.
The bartender popped open a can of beer that he knew Ramy preferred and pushed it gently, giving it just enough force to slide along the counter and stop in front of the intended target. Just when he was enjoying his first sip, an annoyingly familiar voice ruined it for him.
“Well, well! If it’s not the notorious Ramy himself!” the man said with a nasty grin on his smug face.
“What the hell do you want?”
“Now, now, play nice! Just like you did when I was still with her!”
“Well, you broke up and I saw the aftermath. So forgive me if I kindly ask you to go fuck yourself!”
“She really has you twisted around her little finger, right?”
“Mike, get a grip and leave me be!” Ramiel said in a threatening voice. If the guy kept pushing, he’d use a little magical persuasion and have him suddenly feel like running home scared.
“So tell me, Ramy, are you guys getting it on all the time? I figure you hooked up before those fake tears dried up on her cheeks!”
“Who are you talking about?” Ramiel said laughing. “We clearly aren’t talking about the same person, are we?”
“No, we are both thinking of that standoffish brat that’s always sarcastic and acts like a total bitch to everyone!”
“You really haven’t ever gotten through the surface, have you?”
“Who would?” Mike smirked.
“All her friends, apparently. That’s why she has so many!”
“Ha! Right! They all need something from her! She’s well connected so they stick to her like glue, no one really likes her! I tried my best, but that frigid bitch made me regret it in the end!”
Ramiel got up and punched him in a split second. He didn’t stop to think or calm down, he just allowed his fist to meet Mike’s nose and relished in the sound of his bones breaking and the sight of blood gushing.
“Hey, Ramy! Stop it,” the bartender yelled and suddenly jumped over the counter, pushing him away. Ramiel pretended to be overpowered, as he was already satisfied.
“It’s fine now,” he whispered, and the bartender immediately moved away. He crouched next to where Mike had fallen, holding his nose with both his hands, as if that would have stopped the blood flow.
“Let me look,” he continued in the same voice and waved his hand over Mike’s face, fixing most of the damage. “It’s OK, it’s not broken. Go wash yourself up.”
He just loved to see humans obediently listen to his every word when he used that special voice of his.
“Nothing to see here!” he said, barely audible, and everyone returned to what th
ey had been previously engrossed into.
A few minutes later, Mike returned and sat next to him, ordering a whiskey.
“She broke up with me, you know?” he said all of a sudden. Why would he be confiding in Ramiel? Was he that far gone?
“You’re right, I never punctured through the outer shield,” he continued laughing.
Ramiel sighed deeply, knowing he wouldn’t be able to let it go. He had been a jerk to her, but Mike wasn’t a profoundly bad guy, Ramiel could clearly see it in his soul.
“Did you bother to try, Mike?”
“Nah, man! I was too busy being bitter about not being able to sleep around. When I wanted to, it was too late, she’d rather see you then spend time with me and eventually told me to beat it,” he answered, downing his drink in one gulp and choking on it.
“We’re not together like that, you know?”
“Eh, so it’s someone else then? It’s been a year, I am sure she moved on,” he went on, hope of the contrary evident in his eyes.
“She’s in love with some guy, as far as I know,” Ramiel said, killing off his hopes as quickly as possible.
“Yeah, I figured!” Mike said getting up. “Sorry for earlier, man! See you!”
Idiot, Ramiel thought. What was the point of making a mess of it and then being caught up in the past like that? If he had screwed up in the first place, figuring out what to do in the future and quickly moving on was best. At least Mike knew where he had fucked up. Ramiel himself had no clue what he could have done differently, how exactly he could have loved Shamsiel to have him return his feelings. The decision to have him thrown out of the Pristine Gardens was not what had torn his soul apart, it had been the ease with which Shamsiel had decided not to follow him.
Ramiel had poured all his love into everything that had happened between the two of them. He had whispered sweet words while thrusting deep into the very core of Shamsiel, he had made him climax over and over again, and although the body of an angel was still an honest one, all his beloved had been able to do afterwards was feel dirtied and degraded by their love making. Yet night after night for weeks on end he had never refused him. That had given Ramiel hope. Shamsiel had never initiated anything, but would always do as he had been asked. He had always been unable to just flat out reject Ramiel. No wonder he had kept asking for more, night after night, till the Supreme Being had summoned him and had told him he was to leave the Pristine Gardens forever. He had run to Shamsiel and begged him to take his hand and fly to Earth together. Yet, throughout his desperate speech of a better life they’d share, he couldn’t help noticing the relief of his lover. He would no longer need to lower himself by having sex with Ramiel, he’d go back to being a pristine angel.
Ramiel had asked for one final night with Shamsiel and the Supreme Being agreed. Come morning, he closed his eyes and dropped to Earth, never opening up his wings and crashing straight into a mountain top, hoping the pain of the wounds would distract him from his torn heart. They hadn’t, the smile of joy at breaking free painted on Shamsiel’s face as he had bid him farewell still vivid in his mind’s eye. Yet he had claimed to love him. And that claim still grabbed hold of Ramiel’s soul, making him long for his lost lover.
“Damn it, kiddo, where the hell are you?” he spat between his clenched teeth, letting his frustration take over. He jumped up and walked briskly to the exit, but was stopped mid way by a big breasted young thing whose hair slightly reminded him of Shamsiel, so he followed her to her place.
The sunrise caught him walking back to his apartment, feeling empty and lost. It was Sunday again... Would she come? He fell onto his bed without bothering to strip and purposefully shut down his brain, wanting nothing but the oblivion of sleep.
His cell woke him up. It was sunny outside but he couldn’t really tell what time it was. Trying to find his phone, he stumbled out of bed and wobbled around, trying to find his jeans. The doorbell added to the soundtrack of his rude awakening.
“Coming!” he shouted, but both his cell and the doorbell kept intruding on his brain. “Hold your horses for crying out loud,” he yelled some more as he made a less than straight way to the door.
“What the hell, man? Why does it always take you so long to come to the stupid door?” she yelled back after he had opened the door.
“Oh, hi! Sorry, I was sleeping.”
“It’s Sunday afternoon, you idiot!” she kept yelling, anger vivid on her reddened face and in her burning eyes. “Didn’t we make a pact? I almost left!”
“Sorry, I didn’t even know you were coming,” Ramiel tried to apologize.
“What the heck are you talking about? Didn’t we promise? When exactly did I fail to keep a promise?”
He suddenly smiled, not because the situation was funny, which it was, but because he realized she would actually be there every Sunday afternoon.
“Sorry, I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. Make up hug?”
She plunged into his arms, but he could still read enough anger within her.
“Idiot,” she mumbled before hiding her face and taking in his scent. She slowly started to relax under his even breathing and safe arms and eventually pushed free of the hug.
“Come on, let’s drink ourselves silly and watch bad TV,” she tempted him with her usual smile. How he had missed it so. He followed her into the living room and zapped through channels, looking for something remotely interesting while she was fetching the drinks.
“So, who kept you busy last night?” she asked after a few beers.
“How should I know?” he shrugged.
“You know, Rams, you’re already a fallen angel, you don’t really have to try that hard to keep your reputation!”
“It’s your fault,” he snapped back without giving it much thought.
“How is this my fault?” she said, turning to face him, softer than he had expected. No punch followed, something was definitely wrong with her!
“Well, I actually haven’t been playing around for kicks in a long while,” he started explaining, knowing it was too late to go back. “But then you disappeared on me and left me all alone, I got caught up in my head and she had such big boobs, I couldn’t resist taking a break from all that madness!”
She smacked him and then cried out “idiot” while he was rubbing his head.
“You really are bi, then…” she whispered.
“Where did that come from?”
“Well, I’ve only ever seen you with guys. Anyway, if you needed to see me that badly, why didn’t you come over to my place or visit me at work during lunch break? I just needed to cool off on my own for a while,” she explained, and her words made perfect sense. Not picking up her phone didn’t actually make her unreachable. He had just stayed away thinking she didn’t want to see him. For an almighty angel, he surely was afraid of being rejected!
“You’re right, but this never happened before so I really did not want to bother you.”
“Yeah, you’re the one with the lone wolf phases. I always have to come banging on this door when that happens!” she continued to scold him.
She had come searching for him quite a few times. Ever so often, he’d feel the need to block all worldly connections and just lose himself in memories of the state of existence he had lost. The Pristine Gardens, Shamsiel’s presence, the other angles, the soft but undeniable calls of the Supreme Being, watching over other worlds, a timeless way of being without a worry on his mind. Carefree right up until the moment when he had realized his true feelings for Shamsiel. In his slumber, he had slid closer to him and their skins had touched, sending him on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and desires.
But that hadn’t happened recently, he was used to seeing her a few times every week and spent the rest of his days wandering aimlessly through the streets of the crazy city, finding people to help without letting them know he had meddled in their lives.
That night they drank and they watched shows they didn’t understand much of, because th
ey were busy playing drinking games or talking about everything and nothing. He did see the standoffish manner in her that others did, her sharp responses, her rude comments, and the boyish air she had about her at times. But he could clearly see past it, reach to the gentle, warm soul that was so uniquely hers, her never-ending tenderness towards him, the warmth and the cheer she’d breathe into his own spirit.
He woke up the next morning with her sleeping on his chest. She looked like a small child, so peaceful! In her sleep, she clung tighter to his t-shirt and whispered his name. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, trying to ease her into a more comfortable position. Unfortunately, he managed to wake her up instead.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered. Why was he whispering, she was already awake.
She pushed herself up and her face was suddenly inches away from his, her eyes widening quickly and her jaw dropping. As they stared into each other’s eyes, he thought she was trying to put the puzzle together and figure what she was doing there. A whiff of her scent mixed with perfume reached him and he felt slightly dizzy, his eyelids falling slowly and his smile widening.
“Fuck, I’ve got to go, now!” she said in complete panic. She was up and running around by the time he recovered and his eyes were wide open again.
“Late for work?” he asked, but she never answered, she just shoved everything in her shoulder bag and ran off, without even saying goodbye.
“That big of a meeting, huh?” he wondered out loud. He knew she was a little obsessed with work, but that morning’s behavior had managed to offend him. He had somehow hoped they’d have breakfast together and continue their chit chat from the night before. “Oh, well, I know exactly how she is,” he cheered himself up. Why was it that he was developing this unhealthy dependence? It wasn’t fair to her, she had her own life and plenty of issues to worry about.
A few days went by just like an afterthought and he realized that, once more, he hadn’t seen her at all. He had tried to call but it just wouldn’t go through, her phone was switched off. She had already told him what to do in such circumstances, hadn’t she? It was all quite simple, he had to go find her.
Ramiel dressed up nicely, what according to her could be described as smart casual, and made his way to the business heart of the city, where tall steel and glass buildings took over the sky and busy people in sharp suits were moving about at the speed of light, their phones buzzing, their coffee cups steaming in their hands. He made his way to her building, went up after chatting a bit with the doorman, and asked the girl at the front desk to let her know her lunch date was there. The girl looked puzzled and asked him to confirm the name of the person he was looking for a few times.
“I’m sorry, sir. The assistant took care of canceling all the appointments, but you were not penned down in the shared schedule.”
She had taken the whole week off, apparently she had the flu. She had never made it to the office on Monday. He hurriedly thanked the receptionist and ran out of the building. If she was sick and her phone was off, maybe it was all quite serious. He had to get there fast. Should he grab some soup and cold medicine on the way? No, he’d better go straight over and assess the situation. There might not be time for soup, he might need to take her to the hospital. He looked around the street and noticed a cab. He looked closely to the driver and the man instantly made his way through the river of cars to pick him up. Ah, the efficiency of getting a cab with angel powers! He guided him to her place, he knew how to get there, but not the street name. How come he didn’t know her address? Oh, right, they had only driven there, whenever they were too wasted to drive, they’d take a cab to his place.
He got to the apartment building at the end of her very quiet street of mostly houses and dialed in the code to unlock the door at the main entrance. He ran up the stairs till he reached the third floor and started knocking and ringing the doorbell.
“Coming, coming!” He heard her shouting. Her voice did sound off, but at least she hadn’t collapsed.
“Ramy, what are you doing here?” she asked after shaking off the initial bewilderment.
She was wearing an old pair of jeans and a sleeveless top. She had no makeup on and her hair looked kind of messy. She was so pale! And there were dark circles around her eyes. Red, he noticed. Were her eyes like that because of the cold or because of too much crying?
“How are you feeling? I’m here now, so get back to bed, I’ll take care of you!” he said and gently caressed her cheek. It felt cold, not feverish.
“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked, but her question lacked the force she usually added to her angry inquiries.
“I went to your office. They said you were on sick leave.”
“Oh, that!” she mumbled while walking to the couch in the living room. There were take out bags, empty soda cans, and used napkins everywhere. He also noticed a few bottles of wine.
“What’s going on,” he asked, not really sure of what he was seeing.
“I’m sorry for worrying you,” she said, laying down on the couch and covering her eyes with one arm.
“Hey, what’s going on? You know you can tell me anything!” he said, sitting on the couch and placing her legs over his.
“That’s not entirely true, is it?”
“What do you mean? Of course it is! Come on, tell me! I promise I won’t get mad and curse that bastard you’re in love with.”
“Curse him, huh?” she said with a resigned smile that he had never seen on her face.
“You know he’s an idiot for not choosing you, right?”
She laughed softly and sat up, facing him.
“Rams, it’s not like that. Don’t you know? You can’t blame someone for being in love with someone else, no matter how poor a choice that person makes. You can just hope they eventually fall out of love, and when they do, you’d finally become visible on their radar.”
“Sure you can! You can also resent them for it!”
“No, because you yourself can’t choose who you love. All I can do is keep on loving him and hope one day this feeling and this pain will subside.”
“What a waste of pure love...” he murmured.
He cursed himself when he saw the result. The tears started to fall and no matter how hard he tried to wipe them off, they kept coming. Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed her legs and pulled her onto his lap, then held her tightly. She wrapped her legs around his waist and desperately clung to the back of his neck.
“Ramy! Ramy, I’m sorry. It just hurts so badly! And I feel so powerless,” she said in a voice that tore his soul apart. He rocked her back and forth, whispering reassurances in her ear, a little too aware of her breasts being pressed against his chest. She was pushing herself closer to him, although there was no more void left between them to nullify.
Ramiel’s eyes suddenly widened as he gasped for air. What was this? Had it been so long that his best friend’s touch was enough to make him terribly aroused? He pushed her back abruptly and looked away.
“Hey, sorry,” she whispered. “Did I cut off your air supply?” she tried to joke.
“Umm, no, it’s not that!” he said in a voice he didn’t recognize. It was shaky and sounded completely off. When he finally dared to look at her, she greeted him with her usual smile but for the first time he couldn’t smile back.
“Rams?”
His hands slowly moved up her thighs, grabbed hold of her and pulled her till he could feel her warmth pressed against him. He leaned in and buried his nose in the softness of her neck. Was she able to tell how heavy his breathing was? He didn’t really care. His hands moved up and down her back, but stopped when she gently pushed him back.
“What are you doing?” he heard her ask, although her words felt like a voice from a distant dream.
“Hmm?”
“Ramiel, what is up with you?”
She looked stunned. Or maybe she was frightened? Her eyes were aglow and she was shivering in h
is arms.
“I know I’m not him,” he started. “But please, let me comfort you, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. Let me take the pain away!” The pressing need in his voice was startling, even to him. No wondered she looked like that! He kissed her neck, intoxicated by her taste.
“What? No, Rams, don’t do this!” she finally protested. But somehow it did not sound very convincing. He knew, he knew! Unless she punched him or scratched his eyes out, there was no stopping him! His mind shouted at him to stop, but his body was taking over. He moved his hand to the back of her neck and forced her to face him, although he met little resistance. His lips touched hers and her shivering stopped. As their tongues met, she completely melted in his arms. No more protests, no more fear, nothing, just overwhelming responses to whatever he was doing.
So sweet, he thought! A sweetness that was overpowering him and turning him into a hungry addict. He wanted to rip everything apart and quickly make her his, but he held back. “Gently, easy, don’t rush it,” he cautioned himself. She was so small and so fragile! She had been hurt enough, he had to take the pain away, not cause more. He felt it took forever until they were finally naked and even then, he forced himself to refrain from moving too quickly. Instead he succumbed to teasing her gently with his mouth and tongue and fingers and skin. She looked wild, drowning in pleasure. When they finally became one, he could no longer bite back his moans.
“It feels heavenly,” he whispered in her ear.
“Shut up,” she said in a pleading voice and seized his mouth with a deep kiss that made him lose track of space and time.
He could have allowed himself orgasm after orgasm and still keep going, he knew. But he didn’t want that. He wanted to delay it for hours on end, just like on that final night with Shamsiel. If he managed that, he would reach a point where everything shattered, and he’d be thrown into a vortex that erased everything. He wanted his mind to be emptied like that, the thoughts attacking him were too much. He felt so great he could have died right then and there, yet an immense guilt was bringing him on the brink of tears. So good, it felt so good! Thoughts of having betrayed Shamsiel, thoughts of disappointing his best friend, thoughts of forcing himself on her. Why was he feeling guilty? He never had before, not with the horde of people he had used for sexual release.
She was getting exhausted, he knew, but he couldn’t stop. He had to get to the point where climax would shatter everything. It was coming, it was finally coming. He could feel the tension building up. Soon he’d forget where he was and slip away in blissful forgetfulness. The wave was lifting him up and taking him away.
“Rams,” he heard, just as everything was turning into a blinding white light. His vision cleared and he could see her beautiful eyes.
“Ramiel, where are you going?”
“Alma,” He called her name, over and over again. “Alma!”
“Ramiel, don’t go anywhere, stay here with me,” she whispered right before gasping for air and screaming loudly.
They climaxed while calling each other’s name and clinging tightly, as if to never let go. They were spinning together in the vortex and it felt so safe, so rewarding. He could no longer hear or feel anything, but he could clearly see her eyes. They drifted like that for the longest time, until their eyelids started to close and they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The unforgiving morning turned the spotlight on his deed. He had slept with his best friend. “Alma, how will you look at me now?” his thoughts wondered. “Will you hate me for doing this to you?”
She was still sound asleep, he could tell. He watched her for a while, slowly caressing her hair. He took her in his arms and moved her into the bedroom, tucking her in and kissing her softly. He then quickly got dressed and left to wander on the busy streets of the morning and give in to despair.
“That’s why I am here. I am rotten to the very core of my soul! How could I do that to her? She showed me nothing but warmth and support. To repay her, I took advantage of her weakness and used her to quench my body’s thirst!” he told himself. What made it worse was the fact that he wasn’t really repenting. He was so happy to have held her like that! “Ah, I am so twisted!” he complained loudly, causing the passersby to raise their eyebrows.