Sabrina
People don’t know. You can be having the worst day and you can feel like completely hollow inside or like you’re going to throw up because your heart is racing a million miles an hour, and people still might not know.
Sometimes I’ll be sitting in class and feel like I can’t move. Like literally I can’t get up. I don’t even know why. But I’ll be sitting there, so nervous that I’ll do something wrong or say something wrong that I just freeze. I don’t even know where my brain goes. I’ll just sit there and my heart will be pounding and I’ll be wishing I could die or somehow get out of it but I can’t. Sometimes if I have to, like if the bell rings, I’ll get up and walk out and everything, but I’m still panicking.
Everything I do is fake. I’m pretending. I hang out with friends but I don’t really feel like it’s really me. At home I like sit through dinner and I’ll say stuff but it’s not really me and I can’t wait to just go to my room, although I hate being in there alone. I’ll pretend to myself that I like looking at stupid memes and videos all night long, but I don’t. Not really. Everything about me is fake.
Well, not everything. I mean, I do like my friends, and sometimes I have fun like a normal person. I just wish … anyway.
It was such a stupid idea. It wasn’t my idea anyway. I’m not even sure whose idea it was. These guys invited us over for a party. They’re 10th graders, and I’m not stupid, I know not to go alone, but I still should have known. I shouldn’t have even thought -- I mean, I should have thought.
God. I have the worst headache.
But I told myself that I’m not just going to sit here and be a sad little victim, so I decided to write down in this stupid journal what happened and I hope no one ever reads it, including me. Especially not me. I wish more than anything that I’ll get better and never have to read or write this stuff again.
Wishing is pointless. I know that. But. Guess I’ll try.
I guess the way it started is that, they’re these sophomores and some juniors and they’re always hanging around together, and they’re all really cute. I know they also sometimes hang around with Eric C. and some of the football guys and he’s really nice, too, so I thought it could be a lot of fun, depending on who else was there. The way I found out was from Rachel, who said that Maya and Andrea had both separately invited her. I wasn’t exactly sure about all of us being together because Maya and Andrea have been fighting and it gets super awkward. I hate it when they fight. They had this huge blowout at the mall and I hated it and was trying to figure out some way that I could just leave but it would have been super awkward and if there is anything I hate more than people making a huge deal about themselves it’s people making a huge deal about me. If I had just said, I can’t handle this, I’m leaving, like I wanted to, nobody would have left me alone. They would have chased me down and asked me a million questions and I didn’t want to answer them.
I asked Rachel if it wasn’t weird that we hardly know those guys and she said yeah but isn’t that the point of going to a party? And I thought, I don’t really know what the point of going to a party is. I mean, when you’re a shy person you don’t think, oh, let’s all go hang out together in a small place.
Like, ideally? If I could get over how I feel? Well, obviously I would want to date one of those guys, but not Miles Turgeon. He’s very good looking but you can tell he’s trouble. He doesn’t seem nice. He’s the kind of person who would make fun of you when you’re having a panic attack. He’s exactly that guy, in my opinion.
Eric is the opposite, at least that’s what he seems like to me.
When I went out with Seth at the end of 8th it was actually really sweet and I wasn’t really my usual self, like I thought I would be totally freaked out by being with a boy, but I wasn’t. Like, it’s gross kissing someone if you think about saliva and everything, but at least that seems to me like normal person problems. When I was with Seth I didn’t feel like I had Usual Me problems, and that was really, really cool. He was really sweet. He took me to a movie and his mom didn’t chaperone but she picked me up at my house and later dropped me off and she was just chill. And he was just really sweet. He paid for pizza and was really good at making conversation, which I was totally worried I would have to manage somehow. The movie was “The Fault In Our Stars” and I was totally crying, which was embarrassing but it’s so sad, and I looked over and Seth was crying too and he looked over at me and he was totally nice, he just smiled and I smiled too, and he just calmly took my hand and we held hands and it was really nice, that was all through the rest of the movie. Our hands got kind of sweaty and stuck in the same place but I wouldn’t have moved mine for a million dollars. Then when the credits were going he just leaned over and looked at me and I didn’t feel panic, I felt good, and he kissed me and it was like a pretty bad first kiss, I guess. I didn’t really know what to do and there was popcorn residue, if that’s not too much information. In the movies the girls are all experts at kissing and the boys are all failures, but I don’t know how the girls all become such experts. Anyway with us we both figured it out together. I think that I loved him.
Then, of course, he moved. He lives in Toronto. Everything that I like goes away, it feels like, if that’s not too dramatic. In the beginning we texted constantly and we said we would stick together no matter what but it just isn’t realistic and I just know he’s probably kissing some Canadian girl and you know what? I hope he’s happy and she’s awesome, because he deserves it.
But me? What do I deserve? I don’t know.
Anyway, I just said to Rachel that I would go to the party if there were people I knew and she got the idea to invite Ben and Jerry. That made sense at the time, because we’re always hanging around with them in the Q Squad and everything, and they’re kind of safe feeling. If things got too sketch it felt to me like Tim would do something about it. Jerry is totally fun and a friend but it feels like Tim is the guy who would actually step up and take care of a problem if he had to.
Me and Rachel went over to Maya’s to get ready. My first mistake was that I smoked kind of a lot because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to at Maya’s because she’s against it and I’m not sure about Rachel, but also because I knew that I would be super nervous and THC does calm my anxiety. Although sometimes it makes it worse if I smoke too much and that’s the worst. I wasn’t quite in that mode but I was feeling kind of both stoned and edgy and then also paranoid because I thought that Maya would know and be mad, and then I stupidly realized that if those guys were inviting us to a party then there would be smoke there anyway, but then again I didn’t want Maya to see me smoking. I didn’t want anyone to see me smoking.
But we were hanging out in her room and in the bathroom, doing our makeup and stuff and I was stoned but managing, and I had my long sleeve knit sweater and my distressed shorts and high tops and I thought I looked like a hag but they kept saying I looked cute, but of course they have to say that, that’s what friends say to each other.
Honestly I don’t know what Seth was thinking even going out with me because I’m obviously way too thin and if people knew why they would be so grossed out that I don’t even want to talk about it right now. But the problem was that Maya was all, “You should try it without the sweater,” and kind of pulled on it, and it slid up one wrist, but she didn’t see anything, but I’m pretty sure that Rachel did. You could see her staring for a long second at my arms where the scars are from two weeks ago and also last week two more. And she’s so smart there’s no way she didn’t figure it out, but she just looked away into the mirror and put on eyeliner and I couldn’t tell if that was to help me but I was really grateful.
People say it’s a cry for attention. Oh my God, no. The last thing I want on Earth is attention. At least, for that. If people said, oh, you’re a good dancer, that would be cool, and sometimes they do, and it’s kind of hard to know what to say, but I guess I like hearing it. But if they gave me attention for … all of
that stuff? No way.
Anyways Maya’s brother gave us a ride. He’s like 24 or something, which is a little bit weird, but he’s nice and he kept saying, “Be safe,” and stuff like that, and he wanted to come in to meet the guys but Maya was like, no way.
I went in last because I hate going first and right away it felt super awkward. It was just us three and I hadn’t been invited, but Neil whose house it was was somewhere like upstairs and Miles and Eli were playing video games in the living room and we three didn’t know exactly what to do because they wouldn’t stop playing so we just kind of stood there or leaned on the couches, not sure if we should sit. And there were beers and I looked at Maya and she kind of shrugged like, if you have to, which I did mostly to have something to hold and do, and Rachel did the same and Maya just looked confused.
Then Miles said to us, without even looking at us, “Is your other friend coming? What’s her name? The hot one?”
And we were like, oh my God he did not just say that, and Maya looked like she was going to die right then and there, but thank God a bunch of other people got there right then. It got a little confusing because someone turned on loud music and Neil showed up with this really big bong from wherever he had been and Eric did show up with two of his friends I didn’t know, Pete and Ramon, and then Andrea showed up with Ben and Jerry. I don’t know if she was in the same car with them, but they showed up together which was a little weird but now it was super awkward even though Maya kind of hesitated but then gave Andrea what I thought was a real hug. I mean, all of this boy drama is so unnecessary sometimes. They’re both really nice girls, most of the time, and I wish they could just be friends and not weird just because Miles is more into Andrea than Maya. I mean, isn’t everyone?
Miles immediately said, “Hey, Andrea,” and she said, “Aren’t you that guy from the mall?” in this really casual voice like she didn’t know or care, but you could tell she had practiced that line, which isn’t that special a line but whatever.
But he kind of slapped the couch next to him and she just went and sat there like she was his dog or something. I swear to God.
Maya looked like, sick with all of this. First of all she hates drugs, second of all she has the world’s hugest crush on Miles and he was obviously ignoring her for Andrea.
I didn’t know what to do so I was just talking to Rachel about the Academy she goes to or whatever it’s called. I wasn’t really listening, though. She explained what it’s about but I kept thinking that Eric was somewhere in the house, but where? and in my head counting and realizing that we had eight guys and four girls.
Eli came over to talk to Maya. I think they used to go out but a way long time ago? It didn’t seem weird, though. It kind of felt like he was rescuing her from the awkward situation and I was like, well, that’s nice. But I was also still pretty high and the beer wasn’t bringing me down or anything, so I was a confusing mix of anxious like I get in crowds but also too mellowed out by the weed and the beer.
Time passed kind of without me noticing it and a bunch of other people arrived. Some of them were way older and I have no idea who they were and I was thinking, this is getting sketchy, and I looked at Rachel but she was talking to Jerry and she looked happy and pretty much normal for once so I let it go. I was in a corner with those guys Ramon and Pete and we were just kind of trying to figure out something to talk about. School and teachers and movies and YouTube and stuff like that, I guess. I suppose Pete was attractive and I suppose the point or at least one of the points of going to a party like that is that you’re looking for a cute guy, but I was not that into him. He was boring and he kept laughing for no reason, and Ramon would crack up, too. They were high, but I think even not high they just are like that.
People weren’t exactly dancing, but kind of moving up and down, sort of trying to decide if they were dancing or not. I was sort of because I almost can’t after eight years of dance classes just stand there.
But then I saw that Miles was sort of talking but also kind of leaning over Andrea. She was backed up against a bookcase kind of thing and he’s way taller. I mean, if they were talking and everything how is that my business? But they weren’t exactly. Like, Andrea wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t saying anything. She kind of looked -- I don’t know. She looked like she was two things: into him and not into this.
Like sometimes she did laugh, way too hard, but she also kept kind of sending glances to Rachel and me and I wasn’t sure what kind they were, like, he’s so hot, or, save me.
And I’m the last person who is going to save anyone, believe me. I was also pretty wasted, I guess. Rachel looked like she wanted to go over there and check or something, but she and Jerry were starting up Cards Against Humanity and kind of trying to recruit other people and I was thinking, God please no, because that game will embarrass you so hard. This one time I ended up with a match of “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s…” matched with “An ether-soaked rag,” and I was so embarrassed, and that was just playing with the girls, oh my God I did not want to get into that situation again. These two girls I hadn’t even seen before plus Korean Sandra who had shown up out of nowhere were starting to play with them so I felt like, well, never mind, I guess I’ll just hang with Ramon and … and ... no matter how hard I tried I just could not remember the other guy’s name, and I started to get anxious.
Honestly this happens all the time. I’ll be in class and there will be some ridiculously easy question but if the teacher thinks I know, which I even do, she’ll call on me, like she’s trying to be nice by not calling on me unless I know, and then I freeze, God I hate that, and I can’t even say that I think the main character in The Catcher in the Rye is too self-centered, even though I read the whole book and already wrote an essay on it. And it doesn’t help my freezingness to be that stoned.
But then there was a sudden blur of motion, and I turned my head. At this point you couldn’t see Andrea really, her face was hidden by her hair, but Miles looked like he had his arms on her, or around her. They were kind of in a dark corner and you couldn’t hear anything over the music but I thought I had heard her say “No, thank you already” and I thought she meant she didn’t want any more beer or something but all of a sudden there was this blur and it turned out to be Tim and he like grabbed Miles from behind, like clenched his shoulder and turned him.
I couldn’t hear but he said something and Miles looked pissed and Andrea kind of straightened out her top so maybe something sexual had been happening, I honestly didn’t know, but then Neil and Eli were suddenly on the scene and Miles started shoving Tim and the other guys did, too, and I looked over at Jerry but he was kind of frozen and someone turned off the music, thank God.
And then really quickly Eric and Ramon and the other guy I’d been talking to came over, I think just trying to make peace, but now you could hear Andrea sobbing and I thought about how I could help and what I was supposed to do and how I was always feeling that way and just stuck and feeling horrible, and suddenly Tim just punched Miles really hard in the face.
Miles kind of fell backward but not over, like into his friends, and when he got back up he tackled Tim and Tim’s head hit the floor of the house, you could kind of hear a crack, and then it was hard to hear anything else, because there was this intense high shrieking, really insanely loud, which of course was me, and everyone was staring at me, like even Tim kind of looked at me like I was being the weird one, not him for being on the floor in a fight.
And I was crying so hard, unexpectedly, and shrieking, and my hands were both over my head and I couldn’t think, I didn’t know how to stop for like forever, it seemed like. And these people showed up, adults, I don’t even know, maybe the parents, I honestly don’t know.
But Maya and Rachel went and got Andrea and I was all alone but then Jerry came over and put a hand on my elbow, he was being super nice but I didn’t say anything to him, I still haven’t, but I think he led me outside and kind of stayed near
me while I kept screaming for a while and then I puked in the curb and he saw me which is pretty much my worst nightmare, and other people were coming out too and seeing me and I thought that if I killed myself, I wouldn’t have to live through this and honestly that was the only thing that made me feel better.
So. Good times.