“I had to get out of the room.” Nodding at the women, I added, “Hello.”
The girls diverted their eyes, pretending I wasn’t there.
Luckily none of them were blonde. I didn’t know what would’ve happened to my carefully constructed safety net if I’d come face to face with the girl who’d been raped by Leather Jacket.
Suzette lingered once she’d deposited the drinks on the table. Normally I would’ve fidgeted or rushed to say something to fill the silence, but I had no urge to fix the wrongness between us. All I wanted to do was be alone.
I gave her a nod, turning back the way I came.
Something crackled and popped; I froze as music rained from the speakers.
I’m a murderer, murderer, murderer. Bright blood stains my hands
I used to live for violence, violence, violence, but now I lurk alone
Forcing myself to be normal, normal, normal, trading my nature for always bland
Now I live in agony, agony, agony, left with relics, memories, nothing but bones
Q.
He’d used music to get to me before; he’d turned to it again. The songs he’d played previously made me fall in love with him. I understood his inner torment through the lyrics, guiding me to see the tortured soul he lived with.
I balled my fists as a roar of grief flattened me. I missed him. So fucking much. I wanted to hold him. Kiss him. Let him save me from my sins.
“You killed me. I’ll never fall in love. You ruined my life!” Blonde Hummingbird slammed into my mind.
“I’m sorry! I never wanted to be a murderer.”
Leather Jacket sneered. “Puta, you’ve let us in. We’ve got you now. We’re gonna make you snap.”
I scrambled, panting, dashing back into my tower. I can’t. I couldn’t do it.
More chains went around me, yet another layer of padlocks.
My love for Q disappeared beneath the weight of barricades, and I stumbled forward, drained to the point of exhaustion.
I wished there was some way to keep the bad locked up and let the love for Q free. But I couldn’t separate the good from the wrong and I wasn’t brave enough to face the worst.
Moving through the house, I didn’t think to where I headed. I just needed to move.
Passing all the photos of Q’s empire, I didn’t stop to admire. I didn’t let myself think about the future I’d had working with him before the nightmare started. The buildings no longer interested me. Property in general was no longer a passion of mine. I didn’t want to sketch or help Q with new projects.
The conservatory welcomed me into its warm embrace and I breathed a small sigh. At least here no one would find me. I could hide amongst the luscious plants and fly away on wings like a sparrow.
A noise up ahead startled me; I moved forward as quietly as I could. My breathing stayed shallow and slightly wheezy, but my body moved supplely enough to let me duck around small palm trees and ferns.
Turns out I wasn’t the only one seeking sanctuary inside this overgrown space.
Q stood by the huge aviary. His hands braced above his head, fingers threaded through the mesh. His head bowed and his entire body looked defeated. His black jeans and grey T-shirt were crumpled; his longer hair desperately needed a brush.
He didn’t notice me as he stood there, staring with vacant eyes at the birds flittering in their cage.
I forced myself to poke at the tender memories inside. Please let me be strong enough. I wanted so much to stop his pain. Stop this growing deletion of my feelings.
But nothing happened. All the guilt and fear that would kill me if I let myself remember, stayed locked out of reach. So, I stood there, empty, watching the man I’d broken, unable to do anything about it.
Twenty minutes passed all too quickly. My body grew tired. I wasn’t ready to stand for long periods. Song lyrics played in the background, but I paid no attention.
“She’s flying free,” Q whispered, freezing me. He raised his head to look at a sparrow that landed on the mesh by his hand. “She’s leaving soon and I don’t think I’ll survive it.”
The bird twittered and preened before taking wing again.
I waited paralysed, wanting to announce I was there to save overhearing his anguish. But like a lurker, I didn’t move.
“Fuck,” he swore, rattling the mesh. The birds squawked, flapping to the other end of the cage.
Leave, Tess. Before he sees you. I didn’t want to embarrass him.
Q moved suddenly, pushing off from the cage and striding toward the entrance of the aviary. He unlocked the deadbolt and entered the space. Birds chirped louder as Q stood in the centre of their world. He looked like a man robbed of his own wings. A fallen angel that had no place on earth and fought a daily battle to fit in.
I stepped forward. Should I say something? Comfort him? My heart twisted, needing to be there for him, but no longer able to. No matter how many kind words I spoke, Q would see I no longer lived inside.
My soul jangled with chains and locks, saving me but also ruining me. The longer I lived in my tower the more passion and connection faded.
I hated the numbing virus inside, spreading slowly, deleting all memory of who Tess had been. I was replaced with a carbon replica who would float away in the wind, robbed of her convictions and thoughts. All because I wasn’t strong enough to face what I’d done.
Q cursed under his breath, his chest pumping with emotion. “Why should I keep you when you don’t want to be here? You’re not here for me. You’re here because I lock you up. You’re my prisoners, my captives, my trophies.”
He hung his head before waving his arms. “Allez vous-en. Je ne veux plus de vous. Elle ne veut plus de plus alors ça sert à quoi, putain? ” Fly away. I no longer want you. She no longer wants me, so what's the fucking point?
The birds went crazy, darting left and right, spying freedom through the open door. They exploded through the exit and into the conservatory, weaving through plants and water features.
Wings rustled as I ducked from a small flock of robins.
“Get out!” Q yelled; the birds flurried harder. “Get far away from me.”
I stepped backward, not wanting to see Q breakdown. I wanted it to hurt—to kill me with knowledge that I’d ripped out his heart—but all I felt was emptiness.
Q looked up and froze.
His eyes locked on mine, shining with rage and blackness. I prayed for some awakening, so I could put both of us out of our misery. I wanted to bring forth all my love for him and keep hiding from my guilt. I wanted to erase the darkness, the lostness and hate from his eyes, but I was useless.
Bowing my head, I dropped my gaze.
Q cursed, exiting the aviary, humming with anger and rage. He stalked toward me, stopping so close his body heat seared my skin.
I flinched, expecting him to lash out—to grab my hair, slap me—something to wake me up.
When he didn’t touch me, I looked up. Q murmured, “So low you must think of me.” He captured a curl, running it gently through his fingertips. “Fly away, esclave, if that is what you want. I won’t stop you.” His tone was bleak and derelict.
He turned away, heading toward the huge bifold doors at the end of the conservatory. With a powerful sweep of his arms, he wrenched the doors to the outside world. Instantly, birds took flight, soaring high into the open skies.
Q sighed heavily, his shoulders tight and bunched as his beloved winged creatures left without so much as a backward glance.
When the last little bluejay had flown free, he turned and stared. The lines around his eyes highlighted tiredness and grief.
I swallowed. “Q…I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head as if unable to believe this was the end. “I tried, Tess. I really did. I did everything you asked of me. I did everything a man in love would do for his woman. But you don’t want me and my beast no longer wants to hurt you. Whatever we had…it’s lost.”
I sucked in a breath as he came c
loser.
“Do you deny it? Will you prove to me here and now that I’m making a big fucking mistake? That you just need more time?” He slammed his hand into a palm tree, causing the fronds to tremble and shiver. “Tell me what you need! I’ve begged you to talk to me. What are you keeping secret?”
He snorted. “I’ll tell you what you’re keeping secret. The fact that you’re emailing your fucking ex-lover instead of confiding in me!” He looked to the ceiling, rippling with anger. “Why, esclave? Why can’t you cry and let it out? Why can’t you let me heal you? Why do you have to shut me out and run away? Fucking why?”
So many questions and I had no answers. Q stood, fuming with temper. I offered the simplest response. The answer that made no sense, but it was all I could deliver. “They took my mind. There’s nothing else to say.”
I deserved to die under the weight of all my guilt. I killed. I tortured. I knew by locking everything deep inside it would fester like a cancer, killing me slowly. But I couldn’t free myself. It wasn’t possible.
“You would kill me if told you,” I whispered.
Q tensed, eyes trying to crack me open, to read my secrets. “I would never kill you. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”
Not my fault! Of course, it was my fault. I killed his precious birds. I exterminated a human life.
My skin crawled, a reminder that my tower could only protect me so far. I needed to leave before he bulldozed through my barriers.
“You have to let me go, Q. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He laughed, but it was laced with blackness. “You don’t want to hurt me?” He moved closer, raising his palm.
Our eyes never left each other and I stood unmoving, unfeeling, waiting for him to strike.
He trembled, his hand opening and closing with rage. “How much I want to fucking hurt you, Tess. If I thought it would bring you back, I’d tie you up and not finish hitting you until you broke into tiny pieces so I could glue you back together.”
The air thickened with violence and I struggled to hold onto my emptiness. Leather Jacket probed my mind, trying to find a way into my tower. A sprinkling of sweat dotted my skin as I struggled.
Q suddenly sighed, dropping his hand. He looked away, his temper dimming to surrender. “Je ne vais pas te faire de mal parce je ne veux pas te détruire.” I won’t hurt you, as I don’t want to destroy you. Cupping my cheek, he ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “I can’t stop you leaving, but I won’t stay to see you go.” His touch disappeared as he stepped back. “I don’t want to see you again. Goodbye, esclave.”
He brushed past without another word.
You’re my esclave, my soul mate, each other we own, you’re mine forever, my bird flew home…
I’d torn one man’s heart out, and now I wanted to tear out my own. My fingers ached to pry open my ribcage and wrench it from beating to dead. I no longer wanted to live with this fucking agony every time I thought about Tess.
She’d successfully hurt me more than any other person in the world. She brought me to my fucking knees and I told the truth when I said I didn’t want to see her again.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t look her in the eye again. Suzette told me what happened yesterday. How Tess told her ex she was leaving without having the decency to tell me first.
The moment Suzette told me Tess was going, I lost it. I fucking forgot I was human and ripped the kitchen apart. I hurled the ten thousand euro coffee maker through the pantry door, shredded packets of food, and tore the tap from the bench-top.
Only when I’d expended my angst-riddled energy did Suzette move closer and do something I would never have allowed before.
She hugged me.
Her tiny arms wrapped around my waist, squeezing tight, reminding me I was human and not a monster after all.
After everything I’d done—it wasn’t enough. Both the beast and man had lost.
My Tess was gone. What the fuck did they do to her? The passion and strength had disappeared. Looking into Tess’s eyes now left me with a shiver and loneliness. All I saw was nothing. Fucking nothing.
She’d shutdown but I didn’t have the fucking luxury of doing the same. As much as I wanted the pain to go away—how tempting the thought of freeing myself from this agony, I couldn’t just leave.
People relied on me. Slaves. Staff. Countless employees.
I charged through the house, going out of my fucking mind at the thought of losing the woman I loved. A new rattle existed inside me—fresh, oozing wounds caused by Tess’s betrayal. The darkness I let consume me while hunting for Tess came back with a vengeance. Gone was the urge to tend to her, make her well again.
All I wanted to do was be far, far away so she couldn’t see how much she broke me. Me? The beast with no fucking feelings teetered on the edge of wrapping his arms around Tess’s knees and begging with everything he had for her to remember. For her to stop this madness and man up. She let shock steal her life. She’d given in to the worst kind of disease.
Three times I’d seen this happen. Three times, I returned former slaves to their husbands, and three times the women hugged and smiled but something was missing. Something intrinsic, unique. The husbands knew straight away. They recognised the soul of the person they adored had shut down, locked tight, and sunk to the depths of their wives’ being.
I’d stood by and felt sorry for the poor shmucks who lost their wives all over again. Once a mind reached its breaking point—it didn’t break. It folded inward, layering like an accordion until every element of emotion was deleted. Until their horrific past, or whatever they’d endured, was gone.
All along Tess had been so strong. And now she was even stronger. Stronger in her chilliness and the sheer fact she’d learned how to block life out. Completely, perfectly, she would never feel again—neither hope nor happiness nor fear. Her life had gone from sensory overload to bleak and barren. She didn’t do it deliberately, but I knew there was no hope.
After all, I’d seen proof. The three women who returned to their husbands divorced them, ruining the men all over again.
Wrenching open the door under the foyer stairs, I bolted down the steps and grabbed a pool cue from the rack. “Fuuuuck!” I yelled, throwing it at the wall. It speared like a javelin, clattering loudly off the wood panelling. The gaming room was the only place I wanted to be.
I didn’t want to go back into the house. I wanted to create a den where I could pretend I never loved or lost.
I’d spent last night in the conservatory—after hearing Tess was leaving I couldn’t lie beside her. I couldn’t put myself through that. Instead, I fell into a fitful sleep with the sounds of birds roosting, but when I woke up, the comfort they offered me was false.
They were only there because I surrounded them in wire and locks. They weren’t there for me. They were my prisoners.
I no longer looked at each sparrow and saw a woman I helped save. I no longer took satisfaction that each little creature represented the good I did. They all became a mockery—all became Tess. Bouncing around in their cage, looking for a way out.
Just like fucking Tess.
“Je ne peux pas plus faire ça putain!” I can’t fucking do this anymore! I’d never been so consumed. I wanted freedom from this mania inside.
Alcohol.
That would help numb me, if not wipe away my thoughts completely. The moment I thought about drinking myself into oblivion, I couldn’t move fast enough.
I jumped over the pool cue on the floor and practically sprinted for the crystal bar. Wrenching open the large humidor, I entered the musky dark cave where ludicrously expensive bottles of liquor rested in the shadows.
Stepping back into the light, I brushed away dust on the Macallan Fine & Rare Collection of single malt whiskey. If I sold this bottle, it would probably fetch ten thousand euros from idiotic connoisseurs. Too fucking bad for them, I planned on swigging the entire thing as medicinal rather than entertainment.
; I didn’t bother with a glass. I didn’t bother with sipping and savouring. I tore off the top and chugged.
The burn charged down my throat, splashing into my empty stomach, swilling around with flames of alcoholic fire.
I groaned as another swallow compounded the inferno until I felt sure my stomach would erode.
I took another four chugs before I had to stop to catch my breath. My fucking eyes watered like some virgin drinker, and the room already had a brownish haze.
My hope of sleeping existed in consuming this entire bottle. Maybe then I would go to sleep, and when I woke up, Tess would be gone.
Tess is leaving. Do something! Stop fucking wallowing.
She’s already made the decision. Fuck if I’m going to grovel. I did everything in my fucking power and she still didn’t want me. I could only take so much before I turned from tender lover who wanted to heal her, to a man who wanted to beat the shit out of her because she hurt me so much.
Throwing myself into the corner of the room, I bent my legs and rested my forearms on the top of my knees. The heavy bottle dangled from my fingers, and the only time I moved was to add more fuel to the raging fire in my stomach.
*****
“Q? Mercer? Where the fuck are you?”
A voice pierced my drunken haze; I froze. Whoever it was, I didn’t want them to find me. Piss off. Leave me the fuck alone.
“I can smell a shitload of alcohol, so I know you’re down here,” Frederick muttered as he came around the pool table to find me curled up against the wall. The wall was a fucking comfy place to be. I’d never been so warm and soft and numb.
The whiskey was my only friend. I hugged the bottle closer as Frederick’s forehead furrowed. His nose wrinkled, and he sighed as if I were a mess he had to clean up.
Well luckily for him, I liked my mess and he could just fuck off.
My temper was well and truly off its leash; I snarled, “Fous moi la paix.” Leave me the hell alone.
Frederick crossed his arms, glaring. “How much have you had to drink?”
I sneered, waving the now almost empty bottle of whiskey as if it was the most ridiculous question I’d ever heard.