A shape, a shade, comes forward from the kitchen. He expects it to be his father, but it is his mother, shuffling, in a bathrobe, yet erect and moving. She leans forward unsmiling to accept his kiss. Her wrinkled cheek is warm; her hand steadying itself on his wrist is knobbed and cold.
“Happy birthday, Mom.” He hugs the massager against his chest; it is too early to offer it. She stares at the package as if he has put a shield between them.
“I’m sixty-five,” she says, groping for phrases, so that her sentences end in the middle. “When I was twenty. I told my boy friend I wanted to be shot. When I was thirty.” It is not so much the strange tremulous attempt of her lips to close upon a thought as the accompanying stare, an unblinking ungathering gaze into space that lifts her eyes out of any flow and frightens Rabbit with a sense of ultimate blindness, of a blackboard from which they will all be wiped clean.
“You told Pop this?”
“Not your dad. Another. I didn’t meet your dad till later. This other one, I’m glad. He’s not here to see me now.”
“You look pretty good to me,” Rabbit tells her. “I didn’t think you’d be up.”
“Nelson. How do I look. To you?” Thus she acknowledges the boy. She has always been testing him, putting him on the defensive. She has never forgiven him for not being another Harry, for having so much Janice in him. Those little Springer hands. Now her own hands, held forgotten in front of her bathrobe belt, constantly work in a palsied waggle.
“Nice,” Nelson says. He is wary. He has learned that brevity and promptness of response are his best defense.
To take attention off the kid, Rabbit asks her, “Should you be up?”
She laughs, an astonishing silent thing; her head tips back, her big nose glints from the facets of its tip and underside, her hand stops waggling. “I know, the way Earl talks. You’d think from the way he wants me in bed. I’m laid out already. The doctor. Wants me up. I had to bake a cake. Earl wanted. One of those tasteless paps from the Half-A-Loaf. Where’s Janice?”
“Yeah, about that. She’s awfully sorry, she couldn’t come. She had to go off with her mother to the Poconos, it took us all by surprise.”
“Things can be. Surprising.”
From upstairs Earl Angstrom’s thin voice calls anxiously, with a wheedler’s borrowed triumph, “They’re down! Eagle has landed! We’re on the moon, boys and girls! Uncle Sam is on the moon!”
“That’s just. The place for him,” Mom says, and with a rough gesture sweeps her distorted hand back toward her ear, to smooth down a piece of hair that has wandered loose from the bun she still twists up. Funny, the hair as it grays grows more stubborn. They say even inside the grave, it grows. Open coffins of women and find the whole thing stuffed like inside of a mattress. Pubic hair too? Funny it never needs to be cut. Serafina’s looked threadbare, mangy. When he touches his mother’s arm to help her up the stairs to look at the moon, the flesh above her elbow is disconcerting – loose upon the bone, as on a well-cooked chicken.
The set is in Mom’s bedroom at the front of the house. It has the smell their cellar used to have when they had those two cats. He tries to remember their names. Pansy. And Willy. Willy, the torn, got in so many fights his belly began to slosh and he had to be taken to the Animal Rescue. There is no picture of the moon on the tube, just crackling voices while cardboard cutouts simulate what is happening, and electronic letters spell out who in the crackle of men is speaking.
“. . . literally thousands of little one and two foot craters around the area,” a man is saying in the voice that used to try to sell them Shredded Ralston between episodes of Tom Mix. “We see some angular blocks out several hundred feet in front of us that are probably two feet in size and have angular edges. There is a hill in view just about on the ground track ahead of us. Difficult to estimate, but might be a half a mile or a mile.”
A voice identified as Houston says, “Roger, Tranquillity. We copy. Over.” The voice has that Texas authority. As if words were invented by them, they speak so lovingly. When Rabbit was stationed at Fort Larson in ’53, Texas looked like the moon to him, brown land running from his knees level as a knife, purple rumpled horizon, sky bigger and barer than he could believe, first time away from his damp green Pennsylvania hills, last time too. Everybody’s voice was so nice and gritty and loving, even the girls in the whorehouse. Honeh. You didn’t pay to be no two-timer.
A voice called Columbia says, “Sounds like a lot better than it did yesterday. At that very low sun angle, it looked rough as a cob then.” As a what? The electronic letters specify: MIKE COLLINS SPEAKING FROM COMMAND MODULE ORBITING MOON.
Tranquillity says, “It really was rough, Mike, over the targeted landing area. It was extremely rough, cratered and large numbers of rocks that were probably some many larger than five or ten feet in size.” Mom’s room has lace curtains aged yellowish and pinned back with tin daisies that to an infant’s eyes seemed magical, rose-and-thorns wallpaper curling loose from the wall above where the radiator safety valve steams, a kind of plush armchair that soaks up dust. When he was a child this chair was downstairs and he would sock it to release torrents of swirling motes into the shaft of afternoon sun; these whirling motes seemed to him worlds, each an earth, with him on one of them, unthinkably small, unbearably. Some light used to get into the house in late afternoon, between the maples. Now the same maples have thronged that light solid, made the room cellar-dim. The bedside table supports an erect little company of pill bottles and a Bible. The walls hold tinted photographs of himself and Mim in high school, taken he remembers by a pushy pudgy little blue-jawed crook who called himself a Studio and weaseled his way into the building every spring and made them line up in the auditorium and wet-comb their hair so their parents couldn’t resist two weeks later letting them take in to the homeroom the money for an 8 by 10 tinted print and a sheet of wallet-sized grislies of themselves; now this crook by the somersault of time has become a donor of selves otherwise forever lost: Rabbit’s skinny head pink in its translucent blond whiffle, his ears out from his head an inch, his eyes unreally blue as marbles, even his lower lids youthfully fleshy; and Miriam’s face plump between the shoulder-length shampoo-shining sheaves rolled under in Rita Hayworth style, the scarlet tint of her lipstick pinned like a badge on the starched white of her face. Both children smile out into space, through the crook’s smudged lens, from that sweat-scented giggling gym toward their mother bedridden some day.
Columbia jokes, “When in doubt, land long.”
Tranquillity says, “Well, we did.”
And Houston intervenes, “Tranquillity, Houston. We have a P twenty-two update for you if you’re ready to copy. Over.”
Columbia jokes again: “At your service, sir.”
Houston, unamused, a city of computers working without sleep, answers, “Right, Mike. P one one zero four thirty two eighteen; P two one zero four thirty-seven twenty-eight and that is four miles south. This is based on a targeted landing site. Over.”
Columbia repeats the numbers.
Tranquillity says, “Our mission timer is now reading nine zero four thirty-four forty-seven and static.”
“Roger, copy. Your mission timer is now static at – say again the time.”
“Nine zero four thirty-four forty-seven.”
“Roger, copy, Tranquillity. That gravity align looked good. We see you recycling.”
“Well, no. I was trying to get time sixteen sixty-five out and somehow it proceeded on the six-twenty-two before I could do a BRP thirty-two enter. I want to log a time here and then I’d like to know whether you want me to proceed on torquing angles or to go back and re-enter again before torquing. Over.”
“Rog, Buzz. Stand by.”
Nelson and his grandfather listen raptly to these procedures; Mary Angstrom turns impatiently – or is it that her difficulty of motion makes all gestures appear impatient? – and makes her shuffling way out into the landing and down the stairs again. Rabbit, heart
trembling in its hollow, follows. She needs no help going down the stairs. In the garishly bright kitchen she asks, “Where did you say. Janice was?”
“In the Poconos with her mother.”
“Why should I believe that?”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
She stoops over, waveringly, to open the oven and look in, her tangled wire hair making a net of light. She grunts, stands, and states, “Janice. Stays out of my way. These days.”
In his frightened, hypnotized condition, Rabbit can only, it seems, ask questions. “Why would she do that?”
His mother stares and stares, only a movement of her tongue between her parted lips betraying that she is trying to speak. “I know too much,” she at last brings out, “about her.”
Rabbit says, “You know only what a bunch of pathetic old gossips tell you about her. And stop bugging Pop about it, he comes into work and bugs me.” Since she does not fight back, he is provoked to go on. “With Mim out turning ten tricks a day in Las Vegas I’d think you’d have more to worry about than poor Janice’s private life.”
“She was always,” his mother brings out, “spoiled.”
“Yes and Nelson too I suppose is spoiled. How would you describe me? Just yesterday I was sitting over at the Blasts game thinking how lousy I used to be at baseball. Let’s face it. As a human being I’m about C minus. As a husband I’m about zilch. When Verity folds I’ll fold with it and have to go on welfare. Some life. Thanks, Mom.”
“Hush,” she says, expressionless, “you’ll make. The cake fall,” and like a rusty jackknife she forces herself to bend over and peer into the gas oven.
“Sorry Mom, but Jesus I’m tired lately.”
“You’ll feel better when. You’re my age.”
The party is a success. They sit at the kitchen table with the four places worn through the enamel in all those years. It is like it used to be, except that Mom is in a bathrobe and Mim has become Nelson. Pop carves the roast beef and then cuts up Mom’s piece in small bits for her; her right hand can hold a fork but cannot use a knife. His teeth slipping down, he proposes a toast in New York State wine to “my Mary, an angel through thick and thin”; Rabbit wonders what the thin was. Maybe this is it. When she unwraps her few presents, she laughs at the massager. “Is this. To keep me hopping?” she asks, and has her husband plug it in, and rests it, vibrating, on the top of Nelson’s head. He needs this touch of cheering up. Harry feels Janice’s absence gnawing at him. When the cake is cut the kid eats only half a piece, so Rabbit has to eat double so not to hurt his mother’s feelings. Dusk thickens: over in West Brewer the sanitorium windows are burning orange and on this side of the mountain the shadows sneak like burglars into the narrow concrete space between this house and the unsold one. Through the papered walls, from the house of the young barefoot couple, seeps the dull bass percussion of a rock group, making the matched tins (cookies, sugar, flour, coffee) on Mom’s shelf tingle in their emptiness. In the living room the glass face of the mahogany sideboard shivers. Nelson’s eyes begin to sink, and the buttoned-up cupid-curves of his mouth smile in apology as he slumps forward to rest his head on the cold enamel of the table. His elders talk about old times in the neighborhood, people of the Thirties and Forties, once so alive you saw them every day and never thought to take even a photograph. The old Methodist refusing to mow his half of the grass strip. Before him the Zims with that pretty daughter the mother would shriek at every breakfast and supper. The man down the street who worked nights at the pretzel plant and who shot himself one dawn with nobody to hear it but the horses of the milk wagon. They had milk wagons then. Some streets were still soft dust. Nelson fights sleep. Rabbit asks him, “Want to head home?”
“Negative, Pop.” He drowsily grins at his own wit.
Rabbit extends the joke. “The time is twenty-one hours. We better rendezvous with our spacecraft.”
But the spacecraft is empty: a long empty box in the blackness of Penn Villas, slowly spinning in the void, its border beds half-weeded. The kid is frightened to go home. So is Rabbit. They sit on Mom’s bed and watch television in the dark. They are told the men in the big metal spider sitting on the moon cannot sleep, so the moon-walk has been moved up several hours. Men in studios, brittle and tired from killing time, demonstrate with actual-size mockups what is supposed to happen; on some channels men in space suits are walking around, laying down tinfoil trays as if for a cookout. At last it happens. The real event. Or is it? A television camera on the leg of the module comes on: an abstraction appears on the screen. The announcer explains that the blackness in the top of the screen is the lunar night, the blackness in the lower left corner is the shadow of the spacecraft with its ladder, the whiteness is the surface of the moon. Nelson is asleep, his head on his father’s thigh; funny how kids’ skulls grow damp when they sleep. Like bulbs underground. Mom’s legs are under the blankets; she is propped up on pillows behind him. Pop is asleep in his chair, his breathing a distant sad sea, touching shore and retreating, touching shore and retreating, an old pump that keeps going; lamplight sneaks through a crack in the windowshade and touches the top of his head, his sparse hair mussed into lank feathers. On the bright box something is happening. A snaky shape sneaks down from the upper left corner; it is a man’s leg. It grows another leg, eclipses the bright patch that is the surface of the moon. A man in clumsy silhouette has interposed himself among these abstract shadows and glare. An Armstrong, but not Jack. He says something about “steps” that a crackle keeps Rabbit from understanding. Electronic letters travelling sideways spell out MAN IS ON THE MOON. The voice, crackling, tells Houston that the surface is fine and powdery, he can pick it up with his toe, it adheres to his boot like powdered charcoal, that he sinks in only a fraction of an inch, that it’s easier to move around than in the simulations on Earth. From behind him, Rabbit’s mother’s hand with difficulty reaches out, touches the back of his skull, stays there, awkwardly tries to massage his scalp, to ease away thoughts of the trouble she knows he is in. “I don’t know, Mom,” he abruptly admits. “I know it’s happened, but I don’t feel anything yet.”
II. JILL
“It’s different but it’s very pretty out here.”
– NEIL ARMSTRONG, July 20, 1969
DAYS, pale slices between nights, they blend, not exactly alike, transparencies so lightly tinted that only stacked all together do they darken to a fatal shade. One Saturday in August Buchanan approaches Rabbit during the coffee break. They are part of the half-crew working the half-day; hence perhaps this intimacy. The Negro wipes from his lips the moisture of the morning whisky enjoyed outside in the sunshine of the loading platform, and asks, “How’re they treatin’ you, Harry?”
“They?” Harry has known the other man by sight and name for years but still is not quite easy, talking to a black; there always seems to be some joke involved, that he doesn’t quite get.
“The world, man.”
“Not bad.”
Buchanan stands there blinking, studying, jiggling up and down on his feet engagingly. Hard to tell how old they are. He might be thirty-five, he might be sixty. On his upper lip he wears the smallest possible black mustache, smaller than a type brush. His color is ashy, without any shine to it, whereas the other shop Negro, Farnsworth, looks shoe-polished and twinkles among the printing machinery, under the steady shadowless light. “But not good, huh?”
“I’m not sleeping so good,” Rabbit does confess. He has an itch, these days, to confess, to spill, he is so much alone.
“Your old lady still shackin’ up across town?”
Everybody knows. Niggers, coolies, derelicts, morons. Numbers writers, bus conductors, beauty shop operators, the entire brick city of Brewer. VERITY EMPLOYEE NAMED CUCKOLD OF WEEK. Angstrom Accepts Official Horns from Mayor. “I’m living alone,” Harry admits, adding, “with the kid.”
“How about that,” Buchanan says, lightly rocking. “How about that?”
Rabbit says weakly, “Until th
ings straighten out.”
“Gettin’ any tail?”
Harry must look startled, for Buchanan hastens to explain, “Man has to have tail. Where’s your dad these days?” The question flows from the assertion immediately, though it doesn’t seem to follow.
Rabbit says, puzzled, offended, but because Buchanan is a Negro not knowing how to evade him, “He’s taking two weeks off so he can drive my mother back and forth to the hospital for some tests.”
“Yeass.” Buchanan mulls, the two pushed-out cushions of his mouth appearing to commune with each other through a hum; then a new thought darts out through them, making his mustache jig. “Your dad is a real pal to you, that’s a wonderful thing. That is a truly wonderful thing. I never had a dad like that, I knew who the man was, he was around town, but he was never my dad in the sense your dad is your dad. He was never my pal like that.”