But of course he hadn’t said something wrong. If anything, he’d said something right. Something very right…
After school, they hustled him back to Tony’s house, explaining on the way what they wanted to do and why they wanted to do it. Even before they’d finished, Spike could see the plan unfolding and the part they wanted him to play in it.
He’d asked the obvious question, why there wasn’t a sister/aunt/mother/girlfriend (‘Girlfriend! You have got to be kidding!’) who could either teach them what they needed to know or even do for them what needed to be done. But they had explained that there was only one real candidate and then gone on to tell him—no, warn him—about her. By the time they’d finished, he could see only too well why she was out of the running before she even got started…
‘I think,’ he said as they climbed the stairs to Tony’s bedroom, ‘I’d rather not meet your sister just yet, if you don’t mind.’
‘I can dig that,’ said Tony.
‘No offence to the young lady intended, you understand. I just would rather put it off until it becomes unavoidable.’
‘No problem,’ said Al. ‘We feel that way every day.’
‘Some of us don’t get the choice,’ Tony grumbled.
‘Yeah, it’s a lousy job, having a sister,’ said Jon, ‘but someone’s got to do it.’
‘Then I want danger money.’
They bundled into Tony’s room, laughing and cracking jokes about big sisters and their place in the food chain.
‘Listen up, you guys,’ Al yelled above the din. ‘We’re here to sort out our plan, not make fun of lesser life forms. So where are we gonna start?’
No one seemed about to offer any ideas. It was Spike who broke the silence.
‘It seems to me,’ he said, ‘that you each need to decide what it is you’re going to make.’
‘Rats,’ said Al, puzzled. ‘Like we told you.’
‘No, no, it’s not quite as simple as that. What you have to do is make up a list of all known rodents and choose one suitable for inclusion in some sort of dish.’
‘I thought rats was just rats,’ said Eddie.
‘Not a bit of it. They belong to the rodent family, yes, but they’re only one small part of it. Widen your options, then you can tailor your dishes accordingly and give them suitable names.’
‘What, you mean like sausage VOLE!’ said Tony brightly.
‘That sort of thing, yes. What I suggest we do is make up a list and go on from there.’
‘Okay, pen and paper time,’ said Al. ‘Anyone got one?’
They scrabbled in school bags and managed to find a biro that worked and someone’s Geography exercise book to donate a few sheets of paper. Within minutes, a short list of possibilities had made its way from such memory as they could muster and onto paper. It looked impressive, even if they did say so, themselves.
Gerbil
Beaver
Hamster
Muskrat
Stoat
Weasel
Mole
Vole
Mouse
Mice
Jerboa
Rat
Ferret
Skunk
Gopher
Squirrel
Shrew
Chipmunk
‘Chipmunk!’ said Eddie. ‘Ain’t that what you find in a fish and chip shop in a monastery?’
‘Nah,’ said Tony, ‘that’s a fish friar.’
They fell about laughing. Spike looked on, shaking his head tolerantly.
‘Seriously,’ he said, ‘are all these actually members of the rodent family?’
‘Does it matter?’ said Al. ‘I mean, the idea of all this is to give old Palm Trees a fright, not a nature lesson.’
‘An’ I bet she don’t know what is a rodent and what ain’t,’ Tony added.
‘Right on!’
‘You know,’ said Jon, studying it, ‘there’s a lot of names on this list. Do we really need to be doing this?’
‘He’s got a point there, Spike,’ said Al. ‘We could be taking this names thing too far.’
‘Fair enough,’ he said. ‘I just threw it in for what it was worth. So what you’re saying is that it doesn’t really matter what kind of rodent you make, you just want to make something that looks vaguely like a rat.’
‘Yeah, just rats,’ said Jon. ‘We can think about names after we’ve made what we’re gonna put them in.’
‘Okay, scrap the list,’ said Al. ‘What’s next?’
‘Equipment,’ said Spike, ‘we need equipment. Needles and thread, things like that. I take it you all have parents that are supportive of your pastimes?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said Al. ‘Couldn’t care less what we get up to, most of the time.’
‘An’ if I asked my mum for a needle and thread,’ said Eddie, ‘she’d think I’d gone bonkers!’
‘Or sissy,’ said Tony.
‘Or both,’ said Jon.
‘I see,’ said Spike. ‘Well, that being the case, does anyone have any suggestions as to how we are to acquire them?’
‘Could nick ’em, I suppose,’ said Eddie.
‘Serious suggestions,’ said Spike.
‘Actually,’ said Al, ‘I think he was being serious.’
‘Serious suggestions that are also legal, then. How about buying them?’
‘You got the money to?’
‘As it happens, yes. My allowance is, shall we say, more than adequate for my needs. I dare say I could spare the requisite sum for the purchase of the necessary items.’
‘You mean you’d buy them for us?’
‘Isn’t that what I just said?’
‘Yeah, okay, that’s-what-you-just-said. Thanks an’ all that. So when are we gonna do this?’
‘I would suggest fairly soon. Now we’ve actually got this rolling, we need to keep the momentum going.’
‘Tomorrow’s Saturday,’ said Jon. ‘We can go tomorrow, maybe have a burger, hang out in the new centre for a while.’
‘How’s that with you, Spike?’ said Al.
‘Let me see, now...I suppose I could decline my invitation to Royal Ascot—’
‘Yeah, yeah!’
‘—the Henley Regatta has never held much appeal—’
‘Come off it!’
‘—so yes, I think I have a window in my social diary.’
‘Glad you can spare us the time,’ said Al dryly. ‘Tomorrow it is, then.’
‘Hang on,’ said Tony, ‘you’re getting ahead of me here. Are you really suggesting that we walk into some sewing shop in town and ask them for needles and thread? They’ll think we’re—’
‘Yeah, sissy and bonkers,’ said Al. ‘We’ve been through that one already.’
‘Well, do you fancy doing it?’
Silence. It seemed he didn’t fancy doing it. In fact, it seemed none of them fancied doing it.
‘We could tell them they were for someone’s mother,’ Spike offered reasonably.
‘No chance,’ said Al. ‘They’d see through that one straight away.’
‘Not even if that someone’s mother just happened to shop regularly there?’
‘Not mine,’ said Eddie.
‘Nor mine,’ said Tony.
‘My mum don’t bother mending anything,’ said Jon. ‘Whenever anything gets torn, she just goes an’ buys something new.’
‘Lucky she can afford to,’ said Al. ‘What about your sister, Tony?’
He glanced up. ‘What about my sister? She’s not home, is she?’
‘Relax! We just want to know where she buys her sewing stuff from, that’s all. Then we could go to the same place and tell them it was for her.’
‘Yeah, you could tell them it’s for her birthday,’ said Eddie. ‘And it is her birthday soon—remember?’
‘I’m not buying her a birthday present!’ said Tony. ‘What do you think I am?’
‘You don’t have to give it to her, yer berk!’ said Al. ‘You just have to tell the people in
the shop it’s for her. The amount of stuff she buys, they’ll probably even know her.’
‘An’ what if she finds out next time she goes in that I’ve been pretending to buy stuff for her?’
‘Then you tell her you don’t know what the devil she’s talking about,’ said Spike. ‘Let’s face it, from what you’ve told me, it does rather seem that your buying things for her at all is an unlikely scenario, let alone buying sewing things for her.’
‘True enough,’ said Al. ‘So which shop does she use, Tony?’
‘Er…the big department store in the new centre.’
‘Even better. Means we can just walk in without feeling stupid, find the right department and wait for a quiet moment.’
‘If you say so,’ said Tony uncertainly.
‘I say so,’ said Al.
‘So,’ said Spike, ‘having established where we’re going to buy these things, all we need to do now is determine what things we’re actually going to buy.’
‘What we’re going to buy!’ said Al. ‘But sewing’s sewing, ain’t it?’
‘Not at all,’ said Spike. ‘There’s patchwork, there’s needlepoint, there’s—’
‘Okay, point taken. So what you’re telling me now is that not only have we got to go and buy this stuff, we’ve actually got to ask someone what we want to buy.’
‘That’s about the measure of it, I’m afraid.’
‘Back to square one,’ murmured Jon.
‘Not necessarily,’ said Spike. ‘Tony, I take it your sister’s room is close by?’
‘Right next door, actually. Why?’ Then he was looking up at him, looking alarmed. ‘Why?’
‘And what time does she normally get home from school?’
‘You’re not serious!’
‘I think he is,’ said Al. ‘What time, Tony?’
He glanced at his clock. ‘In about half an hour. But—’
‘Right, everyone into Tony’s sister’s room.’
They bundled out onto the landing, Tony trailing reluctantly behind, and gathered in front of her door. The carefully worded notice had gone, to be replaced by a single sheet of A4 paper with the words KEEP OUT, YOU LITTLE JERK printed in loud red felt-tip on it. They ignored it and pushed their way into her room.
It hadn’t changed much since the last time they were there, though there were a few more marks on the walls, impact points of flying projectiles like deodorants and hairbrushes and suchlike. They couldn’t begin to wonder how they had got there.
‘So where do we start looking?’ said Al. He glanced round, noticed someone was missing. ‘Tony? You with us?’
His face peered round the doorframe. ‘Just about. Why?’
‘Quit fooling around and get yourself in here. We need to know which drawer she keeps her sewing stuff in.’
‘And how would I know that?’ he hissed as he crept forward into the room. ‘It’s not as if I get invited in here very often.’
‘Better start searching, then. And carefully! We don’t want to make it look as if anyone’s been in here.’
They started searching, Al and Spike checking the wardrobes, Jon and Eddie yanking open the drawers, Tony standing by the door and keeping watch.
‘God, did you ever see so many clothes!’ said Al, surveying the contents of one wardrobe that seemed to be bulging at the seams.
‘She never wears them,’ said Tony, ‘just buys them.’
‘Probably trying to make herself look attractive,’ said Jon.
‘The clothing industry’s safe for a few years yet, then.’
They laughed.
‘You really hate her, don’t you?’ said Al.
‘Hey, what else can you do with a big sister?’
‘Yeah, right. Tell me, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to her?’
‘Er…do you really want to hear this?’
Suddenly, all was silence. Suddenly, everyone had stopped searching to listen.
‘Well,’ he began, ‘you know that special breakfast cereal she eats, the one for slimmers?’
‘Yeah,’ said Al, ‘we know it. Looks a bit like Corn Flakes only in smaller pieces. Go on.’
‘Well, there was this one morning when I decided to cut my toenails, and—’
‘You didn’t!’ said Al, the realisation as shocking as it was sudden.
‘—uh…actually, I did.’
They didn’t say anything. They couldn’t. The image he’d just painted was too ghastly for words. But there was something they just had to know.
‘Er…how many mouthfuls?’ said Al. ‘Before she…you know…’
‘Two,’ said Tony quietly.
‘Two,’ Al repeated. ‘And what did she do then?’
‘I don’t know, I just legged it. Must have been the only time I’ve ever been early for school.’
‘Yeah. Right.’ He glanced round at them all. ‘Let’s get this done and get out of here. I do not want to be around when she gets back.’
They renewed their search with vigour, Tony’s revelation lending their task a new urgency. They tried drawers, they tried cupboards, they tried under her bed. But no matter where they looked, no matter how hard they looked there, they couldn’t find anything even remotely connected with sewing. If their friend hadn’t been so adamant about his sister’s pastime, they might have begun to wonder why they were there.
Tony glanced uneasily the alarm clock on the bedside table.
‘Uh…guys,’ he said, his voice a little more tremulous than usual. ‘I think we’re out of time.’
Al looked up. ‘What do you mean, we’re out of time? We’ve got another ten minutes, yet.’
‘And if she’s early?’
‘He’s right, Al,’ said Jon. ‘Do you really want to risk it?’
He didn’t and they were soon back in Tony’s room—but only after having made sure his sister’s things had been left exactly as they had found them. As Tony had said as he helped straighten her underwear drawer, no sense in antagonising her unnecessarily.
‘Well, that achieved a lot,’ he said as he slumped down on his bed.
‘Looks like we’re just gonna have to find out the hard way,’ Jon grumbled.
‘Looks that way,’ Al agreed miserably.
‘Do we have to?’ said Eddie. ‘We’re gonna feel a right bunch of idiots walking into a sewing shop without knowing what we’re after.’
‘Well, have you got any better ideas?’
He hadn’t. They would be flying blind, they had no choice any more. Al looked up at Spike.
‘Are you really gonna come along with us, hang out with the peasants for an afternoon?’
‘Of course I am! Should be most amusing.’
‘Okay, outside the Virgin Megastore. One o’clock. Now, what’s next in the plan?’
‘Well, as I see it, the next stage, I think, is…’ He hesitated. ‘…Um, I don’t somehow think you are going to like this.’
‘Why? What’s wrong?’
‘Well, I think you’re going to have to start paying attention in Cookery class.’
‘Are you serious!’ said Jon. ‘Tell me you’re not serious!’
‘Look,’ said Al patiently, ‘I don’t know if we went wrong somewhere along the line when we explained what we wanted to do but the whole purpose of doing it is not to learn Cookery.’
‘No, I disagree. My understanding is that you want to get kicked out of Cookery, and that’s not quite the same thing.’
The four of them looked at each other, puzzled and more than puzzled.
‘Look,’ he went on, ‘from what you tell me, you’re only going to get one crack at this so you might as well make it a good one. And that means going along with the lessons and making it seem as if you’re knuckling under. That way, you’ll lull your cookery teacher into a false sense of security.’
‘I get it!’ said Al. ‘So when she finds out what we’ve done—’
‘—it will have just that much more impact.’
‘Hey,
I like it,’ said Tony. ‘God, I can’t wait to see her face when she thinks she’s eaten cooked rat.’
‘Yes,’ said Spike, ‘and that’s another good reason for making sure you know what you’re doing.’
‘Yeah? Why?’
‘Because apart from making them look appetising enough to eat, you’ll have to learn how to cook the supposed insides of your “rats” properly.’
‘Why?’
‘Well,’ said Spike reasonably, ‘you wouldn’t want to give Miss Palmer food poisoning, would you?’
A row of blank faces stared back impassively.
‘Would you…?’
SEVEN