Chapter 4
Eye of the Beholder
We walked into the pub together like matching bookends: Lindy in her full-length black leather coat, jeans, and a red sweater; me in my white leather coat, jeans, and a blue sweater. Okay, not matching. Her hair curled; mine straight. All eyes turned to watch the twins. We smiled at everyone we knew, and they all smiled back. On the other side of the room, we could see Mark as he stood and waved us over to their table. He was more Melinda’s friend than mine but not a boyfriend. In her words: just a guy friend. Although it was easy to see how Mark felt about Lindy. His whole face smiled whenever he saw her. She just didn’t feel the same about him. Her excuse was that he was too tall for her. He was at least six feet two, and he did tower over our short slight frames of five feet two. But he was such a sweet guy. And I often told her I thought they’d make such a cute couple. I figured she just wasn’t ready to get serious about anyone that seemed too interested.
As I pondered these thoughts while making my way across the pub, a man with long, black hair sitting in a booth a few sections away caught my eye. Oh my God! That had to be the man from the mall! I would recognize his hair anywhere! Goose bumps rushed up and over me, and I shivered. I tried to get a good view of his face, but the room was too dark to make out his features. In the candle-lit dimness, his hair glowed as black as a moonless night, riveting my gaze so that, just as I reached our table, I tripped over someone’s purse on the floor. Mark caught me, and laughed as he introduced me to his friend, Tyler. I felt like such a klutz. Way to impress new people, Lizzy.
It was so hard to pull my eyes away from the man with the long hair, but I forced myself to look at Mark and then Tyler. When Tyler stood to shake hands, I hid my shock with a smile: he was much shorter than me. I remained cordial and tried desperately to act interested, but from the start of the evening I knew this was all a big mistake: I had sat at the wrong table. Lindy got up to dance a few times; I declined. To me, dancing was a waste of energy. I just couldn’t flail myself around the way everyone else did, in part, because of my fear of resembling an idiot. After watching me refuse several offers from Tyler, my sister jumped up and volunteered to dance with him, no doubt in an effort to ease my obvious rejection of him.
We ordered a few beers and then a pizza. The whole time we sat and chatted about school and what the future held, I tried to catch a glimpse of the man with the jet-black hair. Someone or something always got in my way and blocked my view. I even made a trip to the ladies’ room when I didn’t feel the need, just in hopes of being able to see the face of this mysterious person - though why he seemed mysterious was beyond me. Most likely, all the crazy conversations with Fiona. As I walked past his table, he tilted his head down. Still no view of his face! Was that move on purpose? My frustration level soared to the moon! And when I shoved through the bathroom door in a most reckless manner, I bumped into another woman. I let her pass, saying a quick “sorry” as she left. I just stood there. I stayed in the bathroom for a few moments, staring at myself in the mirror. I needed to calm down; I was on the verge of being ridiculous.
I shook my head, and whispered, “What the flaming hell is wrong with you?” I’d never been so unnerved by anyone before. Especially a complete stranger. I combed through my hair, dabbed at my eye makeup, and smeared on some more lipstick. Straightening my posture, I forced myself to gear back up for the walk past him: so what if he didn’t acknowledge me? It wasn’t like my life depended on it or anything. I took in a large cleansing breath and blew out slowly. Holding my head high, I left the bathroom.
My gaze immediately fell in his direction – I couldn’t help it! He stood at the table, leafed through some bills, then set down a tip. His back was to the room. Again facing away from me! He now wore his long, black trench coat that came nearly to his ankles. I shook off the compulsion to stare like I had at the mall and headed off to my own table. While walking behind him and trying to stay focused on the group I belonged to, he adjusted his coat, pulling his long hair out from under and letting it fall over his shoulders. A few strands flew out in front of me, tickled my right hand and gave me a slight electrical shock on the surface of my skin. Shivers ran down my spine. My legs became lifeless, hollow, drained of blood. Afraid I’d faint again, I hurried to my seat. I didn’t look at him again until I had safely planted myself in the chair. And then - he turned. He stared straight at me. The moment our eyes met a seismic disturbance vibrated within me. Deep inside, something shifted. My whole world reeled off its axis - upside down and inside out. All of my ideas, my plans, and my life, now revolved around one thing: this man. The depth of his gaze captured me. I stopped breathing.
As he walked toward our table, my view of the room blurred and swirled and faded into the background, so that all I could see were his eyes. His eyes! They penetrated to the deepest part of my soul. Bursting in, fracturing me. So intense that I thought I would crumble like a building in an earthquake. They were beautiful and dark; changing color with every step he took. He made his way closer to our table. In slow motion, it seemed, still mesmerizing me with his gaze. My hands trembled as he continued his fixed stare, and yet, I could not tear my eyes away. I stared back as though pulled by his gravity. He drew me in like a seductive predator. They would not let me go. My heart pounded, and my mouth had become dry. One thing I knew for sure: as long as I lived, I would never forget those eyes. They seemed to delve into the core of my being from under those long lashes, so compelling, so consuming. I was held in profound silence, motionless, a prisoner. Bound now by one desire. My only hope: that it was mutual.
His head turned toward me as he passed by, keeping our eyes locked. Some hidden part of me wanted to stand up and run to him, to grab him and tell him not to leave - ever. Then suddenly, he let go, twisting his head so abruptly that his long hair swung back and forth across his back. Continuing in apparent slow motion, he made his way toward the front of the pub. The door closed hard behind him.
And there I was. On my feet. Not breathing. Feeling the world fading away like someone had turned out all the lights. Tremors shot through me like after-shocks. My heart raced faster than ever before, and I was afraid. The pounding was so forceful that my chest ached. I thought for sure he had gone away leaving me for dead. Yet I still felt his gaze and wondered if he could see me. Could he still be watching me? The last thing I remember before I hit the floor was his perfect, beautiful, piercing eyes.
When I came to, Lindy stood over me, fanning me with a menu. Tyler and Mark pulled me to my feet and when I wobbled forward, they grabbed onto my arms. I pushed their hands away.
“I’m fine - I’m fine. Leave me alone. I just need to get some sleep. I’m fine.”
Lindy looked worried, her face crumpled and strained. Her eyes looked blurry -squishy. I glanced at the two guys hovering near me, and their eyes were also blurred. I had no clue as to why they looked so funny. But when I closed my eyes, I saw his eyes. Unbelievable, piercing, knowing, exquisite, ravishing eyes. They were overwhelming. Their expression told me he had learned everything about me all at once - he knew my past, my present, and my future, everything I had ever done, said or felt. And furthermore, I didn’t think I’d ever get over it.
Lindy was saying, “We should get her home.” Mark and Tyler agreed. Someone helped me slip my coat on and handed me my purse, while firm hands gripped both of my arms and led me to a vehicle. The air was brisk, but I wasn’t cold. It stung my nostrils as if the temperature had dipped below freezing, but I was warm to the bone. I heard people speaking, but nothing mattered anymore. I needed to see those eyes again. Why did he leave me there alone? He looked like he wanted to speak to me, to get to know me. No, wait, he already knew me, didn’t he? I think he did anyway. I was so confused. The car sped along too fast, dizzy-fast. I was thirsty again. Where was my water? Lindy handed me a bottle, and I guzzle
d the water down. I peered into her eyes, the same kind I had seen all my life whether looking at my sister or in a mirror. They seemed puzzled. Is that what he saw when he looked at me? Why didn’t I smile? I’m such an idiot. I missed my opportunity!
“Flaming hell, I should have smiled.”
“Lizzy? What’re you mumbling about?” Lindy’s voice was suddenly crystal-clear.
“I should have smiled at his eyes.” My voice sounded muffled. I realized my coat was bunched up around my mouth so I pulled the collar away. Feeling lost, I shook my head back and forth, letting my hair fall forward into my face. I wanted to run my hands through his hair - take his face into my hands and kiss his eyes. He could spend all his time staring at me the way he did, and I could live the rest of my days without food and water - all I needed in life was that look.
“Smiled at his eyes? Lizzy, I think you’ve lost your mind. Either that or you’re really wasted.” Lindy wasn’t laughing.
“I’m not drunk. I didn’t even finish one beer,” I said with a sigh. “Maybe I am intoxicated, though, by his eyes. Is that possible? Can just a look be this intoxicating? Oh, but it’s so much more than that; it’s the way he looked at me.” I glanced out the window, wondering. Will I ever see him again?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, sister. Whose eyes?” Lindy held my hand now; her fingers were icy. The car sped down the road. Trees whizzed by in a blur of browns, oranges, and reds as the streetlights briefly illuminated them. In between the streetlights, all was a blur of nothingness. And his eyes.
“Didn’t you see the man sitting to your right? He was only a few tables away.” I had started to feel more aware of my surroundings suddenly. “He had eyes to die for,” I said, feeling more awake, more lucid. Brushing the hair out of my face, I added: “and hair!”
“Yeah, most people do have hair, Elizabeth.” Lindy’s voice was flat.
I picked up on her anger then, and added, “He had long...really long...black... beautiful hair.” I turned my head toward Melinda again.
“I saw the guy with long hair staring at you from the moment you walked into the pub,” Mark called from the driver’s seat.
“Yeah, I saw him too,” Tyler echoed. “He didn’t take his eyes off of you all night.”
I noted a tone of resentment in his voice. Lindy didn’t say a word. I had to be sure to ask her later when we were alone, what she thought of the stranger - what he looked like to her. Had he truly looked at me like I thought, or was it only my imagination? She’d level with me; she’d keep nothing from me. Later then, when we we’re alone. I closed my eyes - only to see his again.
When we got to the dorms, Mark walked us to our door. Tyler, meanwhile, seemed to fade into the woodwork somewhere between the front door and our room. I went in and flung myself down on my bed. From the hallway, I heard Lindy apologizing to Mark, asking him to tell Tyler she was sorry and maybe we’d try again another day. My heart skipped a beat thinking I’d get another chance to see him. The man with the eyes. Maybe he’d show up at the pub and I could smile at him.
When Melinda closed the door, she no longer hid her anger. She ranted about how mad she felt having to cut our evening short. She was upset that I treated Tyler so poorly. After a moment of reflection she added, “And why don’t you make a damn doctor appointment, for crying out loud!” There was fury in her tone. I thought for sure the only reason she mentioned the doctor was to humor me. I lost it.
I cried and told her I was sorry, and I certainly didn’t ruin her evening on purpose. I couldn’t help it if Tyler wasn’t my type, and I had no idea what was wrong with me. Through my sobs I said, “Fine! I’ll make an appointment next week.” But the real reason I had started crying was because I hadn’t even thought to smile at him when I had the chance.
After she finally calmed down and believed I was truly sorry, Lindy asked me about the man with the hair.
“His eyes were so gorgeous.” I sat up, sniffed and wiped my tears.
“That’s it? This is all you’ve got to say?” she huffed.
“That’s all I know about him. He stared at me like he saw something special, as though he knew me, like he wanted me. At least that’s how it felt. But I don’t know why he didn’t say anything or why he left.” Tears stung my eyes again.
“I wonder why he only looked at you, Lizzy,” she said with a frown. “Most people stare at both of us. What did he see in you that he couldn’t see in me? I mean, it’s not like he talked to us and liked you better. He’s going by looks alone? Well, hello! Look at us. A complete matched set.” She sounded a little jealous, and jealousy was an emotion we had never experienced before this.
“I don’t have a clue, Melinda. But I know I have to find him. I’ll go back to the pub every night for the rest of my life if I have to,” I resolved.
“You can’t bail out on Fiona. She’s counting on us to go with her on Friday.” Melinda used her motherly voice now.
I checked the clock - it was past midnight, Thursday already. “Yeah, tomorrow’s the party. I won’t bail on her, but I can go tonight and every night after tomorrow then. I can’t believe you missed him, Lindy,” I said shaking my head.
“And I can’t believe he didn’t look at me!” she added as she turned to leave.
“Don’t be upset, Lindy. If he saw me, he saw you too,” I said softly.
But I did not want him to look at her, or anyone else, ever again - as long as we both shall live. My mind wandered as several wide yawns came one after the other. I needed some sleep and I needed it badly. I fell back onto the pillow, and imagined his eyes. I planned to head straight back to the pub after classes later, and stay there until I saw him. And then, the only plan I had was to smile.