FRANK
(with nervous laugh)
You’re kidding…
ANGELO
Don’t worry. You’re in a room with maintenance. In rooms with maintenance, the occupants are perfectly matched.
(holds up saw)
When the leg grows back, just give Angelo a call.
(Angelo snaps fingers. “You Do Something to Me” re-starts. Angelo picks up leg then disappears into the bathroom. Music continues through actors’ bows. Actor who plays Angelo raises hand and snaps fingers, music goes off)
THE END
MEDIUM SECURITY 2025
By Richard Grossman
A Ten-Minute Play in One Act
Copyright 2013 by Richard Grossman
Cast of Characters
Ronald: an art history professor, around 45 years old
Linda: Ronald’s wife, around 45 years old
Daphne: an attractive art history graduate student around 25 years old
Elaine: a woman around 40 years old
Marco: a museum security guard, around 35 years old
Security Guard: a museum security guard, around 30 years old
SETTING: Gallery in an art museum
TIME: the year 2025
AT RISE: Ronald and Daphne are whispering and holding hands in front of Van Gogh’s “Postman Joseph Roulin” painting. Elaine is next to them looking at the painting. Marco is off to the side surveying all that is going on. Linda enters. When Ronald sees Linda enter, he quickly drops Daphne’s hand.
RONALD
What are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were going to the museum today.
LINDA
And you didn’t tell me either.
(eyes Daphne and says with a smile)
I don’t suppose you’re one of my husband’s graduate students.
DAPHNE
I am.
LINDA
Are you Daphne or Martina?
DAPHNE
(half surprised, half confused)
I’m Daphne.
LINDA
Really—I would’ve thought you were Martina. So, here we all are in front of Van Gogh’s “Postman”. Has Ronald told you that “The Postman” is his favorite painting in the whole world?
RONALD
The painting’s real name is “The Portrait of Joseph Roulin”.
LINDA
Always the art history Professor. And I don’t suppose he told you that he took me here on our first date 20 years ago.
RONALD
22 years ago.
LINDA
(to Daphne)
You’ll have to learn to forgive Ronald—he has a bad habit of correcting people when he gets nervous.
RONALD
(to Daphne)
And my wife has a bad habit of being rude and impulsive when she gets angry.
LINDA
(sarcastically)
Angry about what, dear?
(Elaine edges in on the group)
LINDA
And who might you be? Certainly not Martina. You’re way too old.
ELAINE
I’m just someone who came to the museum to see the new exhibit, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. You see my ex-husband is an art history professor, too.
LINDA
I ‘m so sorry.
ELAINE
Don’t be sorry. We divorced last year. If I’m reading between the lines correctly, it looks like I came to this painting at just the right moment!
RONALD
Madam, would you please move on to the next painting. It’s a magnificent Delacroix. I think you’ll find it much to your liking.
ELAINE
I don’t think so. “The Postman” has suddenly become my favorite painting, too.
DAPHNE
I’m beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.
LINDA
Really? Why? It wouldn’t be because of the nature of the e-mail Ronald sent you last night.
(Marco, the security guard, edges closer)
RONALD
How do you know what was in my e-mail?
LINDA
You don’t know? I put keyboard spyware on your computer last month—since April I’ve had access to every key stroke you’ve typed.
MARCO
(in dismay, and to no one in particular)
No!
ELAINE
(to Marco)
Why “no”? That’s how I found out my ex-husband was cheating.
MARCO
Not “no” to her! To him! He sent sensitive information by e-mail! You never send anything proprietary by e-mail! It’s not secure!
(gestures to painting)
Use the postman! He’s much, much safer. And very reliable.
(taps security badge twice)
Trust me. It’s my business to know!
RONALD
(to no one in particular)
What kind of wife spies on her husband’s e-mail?
ELAINE
Oh please. These days you have to. Especially if your husband is an assistant professor.
(to Marco)
Male assistant professors don’t get tenure these days until they’ve written one book and bedded three coeds. It’s a kind of club.
RONALD
(to Elaine)
I am a full professor, and didn’t I tell you to shut up and move on to the Delacroix?
DAPHNE
(to Linda)
Wait a second. Why did you think I was Martina? How do you even know about Martina?
LINDA
Because last night Ronald sent the same suggestive e-mail to Martina as he did to you.
DAPHNE
What? You sent the same e-mail you sent me to that slut?
RONALD
(looks down)
OK, well I guess I had a little too much Scotch.
ELAINE
Good God, he’s even worse than my ex-husband. You would think, given that he’s a full professor, that he’d have enough of a sense of…
(circles hand while she tries to find the right word, then gives up)
…to proposition one girl at a time.
MARCO
Security?
ELAINE
Exactly!
DAPHNE
I can’t believe you came on to both of us!
ELAINE
(to Daphne)
What exactly did he say?
(Daphne, very upset, doesn’t respond)
LINDA
I have the e-mail right here. But, I think it would be best if you heard the words in the professor’s own voice.
(grandly, to the theater audience)
Listen up! My husband, Ronald, a full Professor of Art History, is going to share the contents of the e-mail that he wrote last night to both Daphne
(dramatically gestures to Daphne)
and another of his Art History graduate students, Martina!
DAPHNE
(mutters angrily)
The slut.
LINDA
(again, grandly)
Martina, the slut!
ELAINE
(excitedly)
Wow, this is the best exhibition I’ve ever been to!
(Linda hands copy of e-mail to Ronald. Ronald looks at it and says nothing.)
LINDA
Go on…
RONALD
(starts to paraphrase to theater audience)
Look, I simply suggested that we meet at the museum in front of Van Gogh’s “Portrait of Joseph Roulin”—otherwise known as “The Postman,” and then…
(reads silently for a few seconds and then says to Linda)
what, you think I’m going to incriminate myself in front of everyone in the museum?
(to theater audience)
Sorry all, but I plead the 5th.
MARCO
(laughs hysterically, then says to Ronald)
You plea
d the 5th? Oh please, that’s so 1950’s! People don’t plead the 5th anymore!
RONALD
OK, then what would you do if you were in my shoes, Mr. Security Guard, cut my ear off?
MARCO
Sir, this is 2025. You’re in the modern era. Think about it. You need to make yourself more secure, right? The best way to do that is to require a correct password for access to your deepest thoughts and feelings. That’s what I do with my wife.
RONALD
A password…
MARCO
Exactly… unless an interested party enters the correct password, you will not reveal anything that is going on inside of you. Thoughts, feelings—nothing.
RONALD
(puts arm around Marco)
Why didn’t I think of that?
(thinks for a few seconds and smiles)
OK…got it…password protected…
(to theater audience)
I’m moving on to the Delacroix. Anyone care to join me? It’s a fine example of the French Romantic…
LINDA
(slowly spells)
f-u-c-k-y-o-u-1-2-3-4
RONALD
(smiles)
Sorry--nope!
MARCO
(whispers to Linda)
Capital F.
LINDA
Capital F…u-c-k-y-o-u-1-2-3-4
RONALD
Christ!
MARCO
Not bad, not great. I’d say he’s an advanced beginner.
LINDA
So now you’re going to tell everyone what you wrote in the e-mail.
RONALD
Nope.
LINDA
Then give me back the e-mail. I’ll read it.
(Linda tries to snatch e-mail. But Ronald keeps it from her, tears it up, and throws it to the floor)
LINDA
OK, I knew it would come to this!
(pulls can of orange spray paint out of her purse and approaches “The Postman”)
RONALD
(in horror)
What are you doing!
LINDA
(calmly)
One less love to compete with.
(writes with spray paint on “The Postman” and recites each letter as she writes)
Capital F-u-
RONALD
My god—what are you doing?!!!
(to Marco)
Aren’t you going to stop her?!!!
MARCO
(calmly)
Excuse me ma’am, but you shouldn’t do that.
(Linda continues to write and say c-k-y-o-u-1-2-3-4)
MARCO
(pulls out walkie-talkie while she’s writing and speaks into it)
Joe, we’re having another incident here with an art history professor’s wife….No, not the Delacroix this time …the Van Gogh…good!
(Marco puts walkie-talkie back in his pocket)
RONALD
(very agitated)
That’s it? A world famous painting is ruined and you just stand there and call your boss? What good is that? What’s the point of your being here at all?
MARCO
Don’t worry. Security will be up in a second to take her to the police station.
RONALD
(approaches painting—tries to rub paint away with shirttail—with horror and grief)
My “Postman”! My wonderful “Postman”!
(security man enters, takes Linda by the arms and begins to drag her away)
LINDA
So, are you going to stay here with Daphne and your beloved “Postman”? Or are you going to come with me and bail me out of jail?
(security man pulls Linda out. Ronald is torn between trying to wipe paint off “The Postman” with his shirt—and following after Linda. Finally runs after her and exits)
DAPHNE
(calls after Ronald)
And what am I supposed to do? Fuck! The press is going to be here any second! I can’t believe it! I just made art history!
(Tries to scoop up remains of e-mail on floor, then runs out)
ELAINE
Oh my God, what just happened? That woman’s more disturbed than her nutty art professor husband.
(reads)
Capital F-u-c-k-y-o-u-1-2-3-4. They’re going to send her to prison for that, aren’t they?
MARCO
Medium security. I worked in a unit for a few years. Trust me, it’s not so bad. She’ll do just fine.
ELAINE
But they’ll put her away for 20 years!
MARCO
Nah, a year or two at most.
(to theater audience)
OK, folks, the show’s over. Time to move on to the Delacroix.
ELAINE
But she ruined a Van Gogh! I feel sick!
MARCO
(laughs)
Oh, please! It’s 2025. Do you really think in this era of perfect 3-dimensional reproductions the museum would keep an original on the wall? The public is far too crazy for that. Don’t worry; the original is safe and secure in a climate-controlled vault.
(pulls out walkie-talkie and speaks into it)
Hey Joe…yup, an art historian’s wife--again. Would you have someone bring up another copy of Van Gogh’s “Postman”?
THE END
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