“Hey,” Bennett said with an awkward smile.
“Hey,” Jill mumbled. Under different circumstances she might’ve been able to find some humor in this, but not tonight.
Jill looked at the girls left in line. A few she didn’t really know, then Blake and Brooke. She prayed someone would draw Todd before it got to them. She would just about die if Brooke or Blake kissed Todd. The next girl drew Landon, then a couple guys’ names came up Jill didn’t know. Her heart sank as Blake stepped up and put her hand in the bowl. She wished she didn’t have to hear. It didn’t matter which one of them got him; it was equally bad.
“Ooohh, Todd!” Blake grinned.
Jill’s stomach twisted as she looked over at Todd. When she saw him smile and high-five the guy next to him, she felt like she might throw up. Todd was actually happy about getting Blake? This is the worst day of my life, Jill thought despairingly. All she was going to be able to think about for the next ten minutes was how Blake was standing next to Todd and talking to him and how he was going to kiss her.
Just then Brady came back into the room, looking confused. He saw Jill and walked over to her.
“Hey, so you don’t know where Lorylyn went?” He pushed his curly hair away from his face and frowned.
“Um...” Jill stammered, not knowing what to do. “Um, I think she left, actually.”
“What?! She left? Why?”
“Um, I think she didn’t feel good or something.”
Brady stared at Jill, looking completely baffled. “What? She just left? I better go call her.” He hurried toward the hallway.
“There’s no names left!” Brooke exclaimed as she reached into the bowl.
“Shit, uneven number of people,” Landon said. “You can join me, Brooke. We can have a three-way kiss.” He grinned.
Brooke laughed and slapped him playfully on the arm. “You’re so bad! Nah, it’s okay, I don’t have to kiss anyone. I don’t care!” she said cheerfully, then plopped down on the couch.
Jill rolled her eyes and looked away. Blake and Todd were talking and laughing together, and Blake was leaning into him. Jill could barely handle the jealousy. After Todd had shared an emotional, private story with her and called her a good friend, now he was over there having a grand old time with Blake. She felt betrayed somehow and hurt, and like their earlier bond was gone. The whole time she’d been praying to draw his name, he’d probably been hoping she wouldn’t, because why would he want to kiss her, anyway? She felt stupid and embarrassed. She just wanted to go home.
All of a sudden, Brady stormed into the room looking furious. He stalked purposefully to the couch, grabbed Brooke by the arm, and dragged her out of the room. When Jill saw Brooke wink in Blake’s direction, she knew this was exactly what Brooke had wanted to happen. Jill looked over at Hillary, then Hilton, and she could tell they both wanted desperately to go try to listen, just as she did. But there was no way they could try to spy on Brooke with all of Brooke’s friends here. Jill felt like she had no control over anything tonight, and she hated everything that was happening!
***
Out in the hall, Brady roughly shoved Brooke’s arm away and faced her angrily. “What the fuck did you tell Lorylyn?”
“Don’t get so mad!” Brooke said carelessly, waving it off. “It’s not like I purposely told her! We were playing truth or dare and somebody asked me who was the last person I slept with.” She shrugged innocently. “What was I supposed to do, lie?”
“Yes!” Brady snapped at her. “Look, I told you, I don’t wanna date you, okay?! So if you think you’re gonna break us up or something and then you can date me, it’s not gonna happen! I told you, you were just a piece of ass!”
Brooke reeled back as if she’d been slapped. “Fuck you, Brady!” she snapped. “It’s not like I wanna date you either! We were just playing a fucking game! But did you ever think it’d actually work out with Lorylyn? She’s such a fucking baby. She’s so naive. If she knew half of what you’ve done she never would’ve gone out with you! You’re not good enough for her, Brady!” she hissed nastily, trying to upset him.
“Well I was apparently good enough for you, so what does that say about you, then?” Brady said maliciously, then stormed past her and out the front door.
Brooke stared after him, numb. He was such an asshole! The intense loathing that had laced his tone when he addressed her hurt unbearably. She knew she’d gotten to him when she’d said he wasn’t good enough for Lorylyn, but it wasn’t too satisfying. This was not how she’d wanted this night to turn out. He’d hit the nail right on the head when he’d said she was trying to break him and Lorylyn up so she could date him. More than anything, her pride was hurt and she was pissed at herself for coming off as so transparent and vulnerable. Maybe she should’ve listened to Lindy and approached this differently.
I used to have something with him though! she thought. I know it, and he knows it too! And I will get him back! With that thought, she turned and marched back into the living room, her head held high.
***
As soon as midnight came and went and Jill endured a terrible, awkward kiss with Bennett, she considered calling her parents for a ride. The only thing that kept her at the party was Todd and the hope she’d have another chance to talk to him. That was the only thing that could make this night okay.
But Todd ignored her, going back to the garage to resume ping-pong as soon as the midnight festivities were over. Jill felt a small sense of relief that he didn’t keep hanging around Blake after they kissed, but she felt depressed because he was paying no attention to her either. He probably doesn’t even realize it, she thought. It probably hasn’t even crossed his mind to come talk to me. I’m making such a big deal out of it! I need to stop obsessing! I should just leave.
But she couldn’t make herself do it, because she still felt that glimmer of hope that he’d decide he wanted to talk to her some more about his parents. She had loved being his confidant because she felt like he needed her and like she was special and important to him. She longed to go talk to him but sat awkwardly with Cassidy, Kat, and Sam instead, not wanting to seem clingy or annoying.
When Todd and Bennett left at 12:30 and Todd didn’t even say goodbye, Jill wanted to shoot herself for being so stupid as to think he might need or want to talk to her anymore. What was she thinking? He had called her a good friend, and she’d read way too much into it. She was disgusted with herself. And he had world history with Blake…they’d probably start talking all the time in there and start going out. What had she been thinking, hoping she might have a chance with him? Right. She’d never had one and she never would. He probably jokes around with Blake in world history the same way he does with me in English and SRT, Jill thought bitterly. I probably have nothing with him. And I thought it was so special.
She couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here! This was by far the worst New Year’s ever!
Finally Cassidy’s mom came at one, and Jill sulked silently the whole way home while Hilton talked excitedly about Reed and how good of a kisser he was and how he’d asked her on a date and they were going out to Logan tomorrow night.
Good stuff happens to everyone but me! Jill pouted silently. Well, and Lorylyn. But at least Lorylyn had the guy she wanted for a while! I’ll never even have a chance with the guy I want!
chapter 9) nothing left to look forward to
“How was the party?” Jill’s mom asked the next day around noon when Jill finally dragged herself out of bed.
“It totally sucked!” Jill said bitterly. “Lorylyn and Brady are probably broken up and it was all because of Brooke, and you could tell she was so happy about it! She’s so mean! And Lorylyn left the party crying! I feel so bad for her.”
“Aww, that’s too bad.” Jill’s mom made a sympathetic face.
“Yeah,” Jill continued crossly, shoving a piece of cinnamon bread into the toaster. “And then Todd asked me to go talk to him alone, and it was so awesome, and I thou
ght maybe he was gonna tell me he liked me or something, but he told me his parents are in marriage counseling! So I feel really bad for him and everything, and I tried to be really nice and say the right stuff, but then after we went back inside, he like ignored me the rest of the night! He was such a jerk!”
“Yeah, boys can be like that sometimes,” Mrs. Sherer said soothingly. “My guess would be he ignored you because he felt like he’d made himself really vulnerable by opening up to you like that, and he was self-conscious and maybe embarrassed about it. So he went back inside and tried to stay away from you so other people wouldn’t be able to see how emotional he was. He was probably just trying to act tough, or manly. It’s dumb, but guys do it, and I’m sure he didn’t realize he was hurting you.”
“Huh.” Jill hadn’t thought of it quite that way. It made sense. She felt a little better. “That could be true. I hope so. But still, why does he have to be like that?! He made me feel so stupid!”
“I know, honey, but try to put yourself in his shoes. He’s a freshman trying to look cool in front of all the older guys, but he has this huge problem at home, so he’s always trying to act tough and hide his emotions. He decided to talk to you, which means he trusts you a lot, and then he had to put his tough face back on. I wouldn’t take it personally. If anything, take it as a compliment that he trusted you enough to tell you, and prove to him that you’re worthy of his trust. Show him he was right to tell you.”
“How do I do that?”
“You can just be there for him. Forget your feelings and put his first. Like I said, I’m sure he had no intention of hurting you. He’s hurting, so don’t make it any worse by holding a grudge. Try to understand where he’s coming from and just support him.”
“I really want him to talk to me about it again. I feel like I didn’t do enough to help him.” Jill pulled her toast out of the toaster and started to slather butter all over it. She felt horrible for ever having been so selfish as to worry about herself so much when she should’ve been worrying about Todd. Poor Todd. She wished she could hug him right now. Her mom was right. “What should I do? Should I ask him about it again or wait for him to talk to me?”
“Well, I wouldn’t call him at home, ‘cause he might not be able to talk about it there, since that’s where the problem is. School starts again on Monday. Wait till then and try to get a moment alone with him to ask him if he’s doing okay. Don’t try to pressure him to talk; just let him know you’re there if he wants to. And don’t be offended if he acts like nothing’s wrong. It’s just that tough-guy act again, but if he needs to act like that, then let him. He’ll at least know you’re willing to listen when he’s ready to talk again.”
Jill wasn’t satisfied. “But it’s only Thursday! I can’t wait till Monday!”
“Well, then, call him and invite him to do something, and maybe you could talk to him then. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to call him at home and ask about it, because then his parents might ask why you called and he would probably lie, or else he’d tell the truth and they’d get upset he told you, and either way it just makes the situation at home worse for him.”
Jill nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Okay, maybe I’ll call him and ask him to come over or something.”
“I think that would be a good idea.” Mrs. Sherer smiled as Jill sat down with her toast, and Jill realized her spirits had risen significantly.
***
Gymnastics practice started back up on Friday.
“So have you talked to Brady?” Jill asked Lorylyn as they waited in line to vault. This was the first time she’d talked to Lorylyn since Landon’s party two nights ago. She’d called yesterday but no one had answered.
“He called me the other night after I left.” Lorylyn narrowed her eyes, obviously still angry about the whole thing. “I answered and as soon as he said hi I hung up on him. So then he called right back and I told my mom to answer, but she made me talk to him ‘cause she didn’t want to get in the middle of everything. I didn’t tell her what the fight was really about, obviously. So I was up in my room, and I picked up the phone and he was like, ‘Hey, are you okay? Jill said you were sick.’ And I was like, ‘Why don’t you just go talk to Brooke? You’d probably rather be with her anyway!’ And then I was like, ‘Why don’t you just go have sex with her?!’ And then I hung up.” She kicked at the floor as she moved toward the vault runway. “It was probably immature, I know, but I don’t care! I’m so mad at him!”
“So did he call you back again after that?”
“Hold on,” Lorylyn said. “I’ll tell you after I vault.”
Jill hadn’t even realized it was Lorylyn’s turn. She watched as Lorylyn sprinted down the runway and did a warm-up handspring, landing flat on her back on the pit on the other side of the horse with her arms straight above her head.
As Lorylyn climbed off the pit, Jill found her starting place on the runway and took off, mindlessly performing her vault. Good thing they were doing easy drills today; these were like second nature. All she could concentrate on was Lorylyn’s story; she was dying to hear what had happened next.
“So anyways,” Lorylyn said as Jill rejoined her and they walked back to get in line again, “he didn’t call back at all that night or anything, but yesterday he came over, and my parents were gone and I was sleeping, so I didn’t even know he came, and he left roses at the front door.”
“Aww!” Jill couldn’t help exclaiming. Maybe Hillary had been right; maybe Brooke meant nothing to Brady and he only wanted Lorylyn.
“No, not aww! I can’t believe him! There was a note with the flowers saying he was sorry he didn’t tell me before and he wanted to explain everything and he asked me to call him.”
“Did you?”
“No way! I can’t just get over this, just like that. I can’t believe he’s had sex! That makes things so different. I mean, he’s not who I thought he was, plus he said all that about waiting for me to be ready to do stuff, but sex is probably all he cares about. I just can’t believe he had sex with her.”
Lorylyn sounded angry, but she looked like she was about to burst into tears. Jill understood completely; she knew she’d feel the exact same if she found out Todd had had sex, and he wasn’t even her boyfriend. It would put things on a whole different level if he were her boyfriend and she found out he’d kept something like that from her. It would ruin the romantic anticipation of a magical first time together...since he would’ve had another girl before her. Jill would’ve been devastated, and she knew Lorylyn was as head-over-heels for Brady as she was for Todd. She felt a sudden need to be close to Todd, before Blake weaseled her way in or something, and decided to take her mom’s advice and call him that afternoon.
***
Jill was incredibly nervous as she dialed his number. She half hoped he wouldn’t answer. Her worst fear was that he’d act like it was weird for her to be calling and she’d regret having done it. She almost had herself talked out of doing it, but then she reminded herself how hard it would be to wait till Monday to talk to him again, and she might not even have a private moment with him at school. She had to try now or she’d regret not doing so.
“Hello?” Todd answered, sounding aloof and not overly friendly. Of course he didn’t even know who it was yet, but she already felt she’d made a mistake by calling.
“Hey...Todd?” Jill said timidly, her heart racing so fast she was sure he could hear it through the phone. He could probably at least tell she was nervous from her voice. This sucked!
“Yeah?” Same tone of voice. Bored. Uninterested. Not excited to be getting a phone call.
“Um, hey, it’s Jill.”
“Oh, hey.” He sounded a little curious now, she thought, and maybe his tone had been a little warmer?
“Hey. So, um, I was just wondering if you’d wanna, like, hang out tonight or anything?” She held her breath, and felt humiliated when he didn’t answer right away. You idiot! she scolded herself. You made it
sound like a date or something!
“Um, I don’t think I can tonight,” Todd said, sounding distant and vague. Jill’s heart sank. Why had she called?! He must think she was so dumb and annoying! She should just shoot herself right now.
“But I might be able to do something tomorrow though. I don’t know. I’ll give you a call, okay?”
Jill’s heart soared again and practically leaped right out of her body. “Okay! Yeah, that’s fine!”
“All right. See ya.”
“Bye.” But he had already hung up. Jill quickly replaced the receiver, feeling a bit off balance and a combination of embarrassed and ecstatic. She’d made a complete fool of herself on the phone, but he had said he might want to do something tomorrow! Everything had just happened so fast...she wished they’d made more definite plans, but she hadn’t even had time to think or to suggest anything...now she just had to sit around and wait for him to call tomorrow. But that was okay, she’d take it! At least he hadn’t totally shot her down! And they were probably going to hang out tomorrow, just the two of them. It could be the night something happened! What if they were just sitting in her basement talking and he decided to hold her hand? Or maybe even kiss her?! She knew better than to get her hopes up, but she couldn’t help it.
***
Lorylyn was miserable. She’d been lying on her bed all afternoon watching TV and crying. She just wanted to curl up into a little ball and go to sleep, because maybe when she woke up everything would be okay and all this never would have happened. But of course she couldn’t fall asleep, so she just lay there in despair, her box of Kleenex right by her pillow.
When the phone rang she didn’t even budge. Normally she raced to the phone because it was almost always for her, but now she figured one of her friends was calling to check on her, and she didn’t want to talk to anybody.
“Lorylyn!” her younger brother Ethan shouted up the stairs. “Phone!”
“Ugh,” Lorylyn moaned, rolling her eyes. She didn’t have the energy to yell back down and tell him she didn’t want to talk, so she dragged herself into a sitting position and reached for the phone on her nightstand. “Hello?” she said dully.