“Um...I guess you could come over tonight, if you wanted,” she said, hearing her own words from outside her body, as if someone else had spoken them.
“Really?” Brady seemed surprised she’d agreed so easily. She felt as surprised as he looked. “Okay, that’d be great! I’ll be over around eight, okay? Thank you so much! I’ll see you then!” And he was off before she could change her mind.
Lorylyn stared after him for a second, then shook herself and started walking again, much more slowly this time. What just happened? What are you thinking?! she asked herself. But even as she thought it, she couldn’t stop the feeling of anticipation creeping into her body. Brady’s coming over tonight! she thought. It’ll be sort of like normal, like none of this ever happened!
***
By that night, Lorylyn had had a lot more time to think, and she was nervous about Brady coming over. She still wished things could go back to normal, but there was just no way that was possible. Because every time she thought about being back together with him, she couldn’t get past how hurt she was, and she also knew deep down it wouldn’t be the same to her as it’d been before, now that she knew he wasn’t a virgin.
When he got there, she led him to the living room. The rest of her family was upstairs. Brady sat down on the couch, and Lorylyn curled up anxiously on the loveseat, hugging the pillow and waiting for him to say something.
“Thanks so much for letting me come over,” Brady began, meeting her gaze directly. “I’m so glad we can finally talk.” Then he looked away. “I’ve missed you so much, babe. I miss just talking to you and walking with you at school. I just wanna be around you.”
Lorylyn bit her lip, trying as hard as she could not to cry. The tears were welling up right behind her eyelids. Brady looked back at her, and she had to turn her head.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I miss that stuff, but I don’t even deserve to have it. It serves me right, I guess. I know I messed up, Lorylyn. I messed up big time. But I want you to know that it was before I even met you, and Brooke means nothing to me. Nothing. I’m serious. I mean, I’m not saying that I would just have random sex....I don’t know how to explain this. I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I liked her at the time. But this year she’s become kind of a pretty big bitch. I never really even talk to her anymore. And what I said on the phone was true. If I could take it back I would. ‘Cause if you ever decided some day down the road that you wanted to have sex with me, I’d want our first time...to be my first time.”
Lorylyn couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. They spilled over, running down her face in rivulets. She covered her face with her hands and pulled her knees up to her chest, crying silently. That’s what she wanted too! Why, why, why did things have to be the way they were? She felt helpless.
“What’d I say? What was it? I’m sorry!” Brady leaned forward anxiously on the couch.
Lorylyn finally looked up and dried her eyes with her sleeve. “Nothing. It’s just...that’s what I would’ve wanted too.” She burst into tears again, burying her face in her knees.
The next thing she knew, Brady was beside her, stroking her hair. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry. That’s why you were so upset, wasn’t it?”
Lorylyn made no response.
“I’m so sorry, Lor. I guess I understand now why you wanted to break up. I feel like shit. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not that I wanted to break up,” she sobbed. “It’s just that I couldn’t imagine being together anymore. And I still can’t.”
“Isn’t there any way?” Brady asked. “Any way you could still see us being together?”
“I don’t think so. Not right now.” She kept her face buried.
“Well, could we at least hang out? ‘Cause I miss you so much. Like just hang out like we did, but not be together?”
“I don’t know. Maybe,” Lorylyn sniffled, wondering if that could work. His suggestion gave her hope, because maybe they wouldn’t have to totally lose what they’d had. They did have so much fun together. She looked up at him. “I guess so,” she agreed.
“Sweet.” He looked relieved and smiled at her. “So do you wanna do something this weekend? Like Saturday? Lunch maybe, or dinner?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Lorylyn said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by everything. “But I think you should leave now. This is just a lot, you know...”
“Yeah, I understand.” Brady stroked her hair one last time, then stood up. “Thanks again for letting me come over; thanks so much.” He reached down for a brief second and touched her face. “I’m so glad we got to talk, and that you still wanna hang out. ‘Cause I really still like you, Lorylyn. A lot.”
“I’m glad too,” she said, offering him a small, tear-stained smile as he headed for the front door. “Bye, Brady.”
“Bye, Lor.”
***
The next day when she entered Spanish class, Brooke eagerly slid into her seat next to Brady in the back row. They were seats chosen at the beginning of the year, and Brady hadn’t so much as looked at her Monday; they’d really barely talked since Halloween when they had their first blow-up at Landon’s. Today that was all going to change, Brooke thought determinedly.
“Hey, Brady,” she said amiably as she dropped her bag on the floor and propped her chin on her hand, looking in his direction.
“Hey,” Brady said uninterestedly, only turning toward her for a split second.
Brooke reached out and touched his arm. “Oh, come on, Brady. Look, I’m really, really sorry, okay? I was really drunk and I know I made a huge mistake and you were right to be so pissed at me. But it’s been like a week now. Can’t you please forgive me?”
Just then their teacher entered the room with her book in her hand and called for silence as she started writing verbs on the board for the class to conjugate.
Brooke rolled her eyes and removed her hand from Brady’s arm. Settling back in her seat, she pulled a piece of notebook paper loose and started to write in big loopy letters.
Brady,
I’m so sorry about New Year’s and Halloween and I know I was being all drama and you’re right, I was jealous I guess. But I’m all over that now, and I’m starting to realize maybe your approach to the whole thing is the way to go...if you know what I mean. Remember when we parked behind the pool supply place...I have a real hot tub at my house...
P.S. My parents will be out of town all weekend
She folded the piece of paper three times and tossed it on his desk without a sideward glance. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Brady glance at her, then pick the note up and unfold it. After a minute he took a pencil from behind his ear and scribbled something on the paper, then tossed it back to her.
She could tell he was watching her, but she was too nervous to look at him because she knew if he rejected her they were done; she could never bear the humiliation. She’d taken a chance and put herself out there because it was the only option she had left, and ever since she’d tossed him the note her stomach had been turning over in huge tidal waves. At least now, even if it was a rejection, she would have the note, and he couldn’t show it to his friends. It was a small consolation.
Trying to convey nonchalance, she reached out casually and took the note off her desk. Holding it on her lap and leaning back in her chair, she unfolded it, still not looking at him.
Hell yes I remember the pool supply place. Your hot tub, huh? Sounds damn good to me. Sat. night? Nice shirt btw, your boobs look huge.
Brooke looked up and finally met Brady’s gaze, a huge smile spreading across her face. There was a mischievous look in his chocolate eyes, and as they shared a delighted smile, she felt that connection she’d missed for so long click right back into place.
***
After class Brady rushed to catch her as she was leaving the room and put his hand on her arm. She turned to him with a playful smile.
“Hey, don’t tell anyone about this,” he whispered. “ ‘Ca
use I went over to Lorylyn’s last night, and we’re still trying to work stuff out, you know.”
Brooke stared and quickly suppressed the urge to slap him in the face and walk away. She quickly plastered the smile back on her face. “Don’t worry, hon. Of course I won’t tell.” She licked her lips slightly, gave him a sassy wink, and walked away with her hips swaying confidently, knowing he was staring after her, checking out her ass.
Even as she made sure to put on a show for him, she rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe he was still trying to work things out with Lorylyn! But you can’t be upset about that! she told herself. You just offered him sex with no strings attached and told him you were over all the drama; you have to hold up to that. She narrowed her eyes. But he’ll eventually see…, she thought, he’ll eventually see that Lorylyn’s a straight-laced little prude and he should really be with me. And the whole time he’s trying to get her back, I’ll be holding this nice little secret over her head: he’s fucking me!
Her smile back in place, she continued her assured stride down the hallway. But as hard as it would be, she knew that this time, she couldn’t let anything leak out to Lorylyn or anyone else, because then Brady would definitely end things for good. And that was okay, she decided. She could handle not telling anyone, because it would be nice for her and Brady to have their own little secret.
chapter 11) the people who don’t come to the dances
Jill’s new obsession was Dawson’s Creek. It premiered on a night Jill and Lorylyn had an away gymnastics meet, so they taped it and watched it at Jill’s after the meet. From the first episode, Jill was drawn in by Dawson Leery and Joey Potter’s best-friend relationship, their sleepovers, and the more-than-friends feelings Joey seemed to have for Dawson but he didn’t appear to reciprocate. She sympathized with Joey and at the same time envied her, because Jill longed to be as close to Todd as Joey was to Dawson. Sleeping over at each other’s houses in the same bed, practically being part of each other’s families, Joey climbing a ladder into Dawson’s bedroom that was there specially for her...it was exactly what Jill wanted. She watched religiously every week, always agonizing over Dawson’s relationship with Jen and pulling for him to get together with Joey.
Ever since school had started back up after Christmas, Jill and Todd had fallen back into their old routine of joking around and goofing off, and he had never brought up the subject of his parents again. Things with Bennett were back to “normal” in English too; he and Jill sat by each other because of Todd but never really talked. It was like they’d never been boyfriend and girlfriend, and that was fine with Jill. She desperately tried to think of ways to talk to Todd alone and bring up his parents, and every day that went by without the two of them talking about anything more personal than how they’d done in basketball or gymnastics the previous night made Jill feel like they were never going to have that kind of close relationship Joey and Dawson or the characters on Friends had. She wanted it more than anything; at this point she wanted it more than she wanted to be Todd’s girlfriend, but she had no idea how to make it happen. None of her girlfriends really had it either, because the guys they hung out with constantly were their boyfriends rather than their best friends, and they hadn’t ever been best friends before they started dating, either. That made Jill feel a little better, but it didn’t stop her from wanting that type of relationship.
And she hardly ever saw Todd on the weekends anymore because he always had to go to the JV and varsity games for basketball. Jill and Lorylyn went to watch the away games sometimes, if one of their parents could take them, but it’s not like they got to talk to the players. After all the home games there were dances, which Jill absolutely loved, but Todd never went to them. Jill still had a great time dancing with Hilton and Lorylyn; Hillary sat out in the commons with Dirk the whole time, if she came at all. Dirk didn’t like dances, and if he didn’t come, it meant Hillary didn’t come. Jill found that irritating, but whatever.
Jill and Hilton and Lorylyn would dance in their own little circle, sometimes joined by Cassidy and Sam or by Lindy and Amy from the gymnastics team. Jill still hated Sam, especially after the way she hadn’t shown Lorylyn any support on New Year’s, but Lorylyn had never said anything about it, and Jill didn’t want to point it out and just make Lorylyn depressed again or something. Lorylyn never hung out with Sam one-on-one anymore either though.
Jill, Hilton, and Lorylyn’s favorite songs were “Baby Got Back,” “Love Shack,” and “Ice, Ice Baby,” and if they were out in the commons talking when one of those came on, the three of them would squeal and grab each other’s arms and run into the cafeteria. On slow dances Jill was always relieved Lorylyn had broken up with Brady because she had someone to sit out in the commons with and didn’t have to feel dumb. Sometimes Reed’s friends would ask Jill and Lorylyn to dance, which was always fun, because they would dance near Hilton and Reed and all talk to each other throughout the song.
Jill was a little more comfortable with Reed’s older friends now after sitting with them at lunch for a while, although she was always reserved at lunch and didn’t really say much unless someone said something to her. The guys were fun; she just still didn’t feel like she fit into their social circle because she was so much younger. Reed didn’t hang out with Landon or the other sophomores who played JV very often; his closest friends were the varsity players. Landon didn’t come to many dances either.
Brady had come to the dances before Christmas because Lorylyn liked to go, but he hadn’t been to any since they’d broken up. The first Tuesday back to school after break, Jill knew he had waited for Lorylyn after class and asked again to have a chance to talk to her. Lorylyn had agreed to let him come over that night, and she told Jill he seemed really sorry and upset, but she just still couldn’t imagine having him as her boyfriend again after what she’d found out on New Year’s. The following weekend Lorylyn and Brady had gone out to lunch, and she said he’d basically begged her to give him another chance. She admitted to Jill she’d really been missing him and had enjoyed hanging out with him that week, so she told him she’d think about it, but she wanted him to leave her alone and give her a chance to do it. Since then they hadn’t talked. Since he didn’t play basketball or go to the dances, Jill had no idea what he did on weekends now.
Jill was surprised to see that Brooke was another person who seldom came to dances. She would’ve imagined Brooke right in the center of the action and starting drama every time. But the couple times Brooke did come, she was fairly low-key and stayed away from Lorylyn. Hilton and Hillary said Brooke seemed to have mellowed out at cheerleading too, and was back to the friendly, fun girl she’d been when Jill first met her. She had started flipping Hilton and Jill the nose signal again whenever she passed them in the hallways, something she hadn’t done since New Year’s. There was no more of the maliciousness, no more of the hushed secrets whispered devilishly to Lindy during surprise appearances at gymnastics practice or wherever else Lorylyn was present. But Jill, Hilton, and Hillary had a hard time seeing a lot of good in Brooke’s change of attitude; they figured she was happy because Lorylyn and Brady had broken up and she might have a chance. They didn’t know what had happened when Brady took Brooke out in the hall on New Year’s, but Brooke had come back in looking upset, and none of the girls had seen her with Brady during school since then.
Despite the signs Brooke and Brady were fighting, Jill was inexplicably dreading the day they’d all find out Brooke and Brady were actually dating. She just had a bad feeling wherever Brooke was concerned, and especially now that Lorylyn had asked Brady to leave her alone, he might get tired of waiting for her decision and go on another date with Brooke or something.
***
One day the last week of January, Jill was walking alone in the hallway where some of the sophomore lockers were, on her way from biology to English, when she saw Brooke and Brady approaching from the other direction. They were walking close together and talking and laughing. As
they reached Brady’s locker and he stopped in front of it, Brooke squeezed his arm lightly and kept walking but turned backwards to finish whatever she was saying. Then she spun around and strode quickly down the hall in the direction she’d originally been headed, a contented smile on her face. She didn’t see Jill as she passed.
That day in geometry Lorylyn passed Jill a note.
I’m thinking about getting back together with Brady. He came over again last night and it was so fun. I miss him. We have to talk about it at lunch. You guys have to help me decide what to do.
At lunch Hillary just rolled her eyes when Lorylyn told them she was considering taking Brady back. “It’s about time, Lor!”
Jill rolled her eyes at the end of the table so no one could see. Hillary was so annoying about this whole thing!
“That’s awesome!” Hilton exclaimed, clapping her hands. “What made you decide that?”
“Well, he came over last night, ‘cause he called and said he knew he was supposed to leave me alone, but he missed hanging out. So I let him come over, and we just watched a movie and talked a little and stuff, and he didn’t ask what my decision was, and I was glad ‘cause I felt like he was respecting me and not pressuring me, you know? And it was so fun, and he’s so hot, and I miss hanging out with him, you guys!”
“Well, that’s great then!” Hilton said enthusiastically. “It sounds like he really wants you back. You should go for it if that’s what you want.”
“Yeah, I mean, I haven’t decided for sure, and we have a meet tonight, but I think I might call him tomorrow.” Lorylyn gave the girls a grateful smile, then giggled. “I’m so glad you guys think I should get back together with him! I’m so excited!”
***
After geometry, instead of walking with Lorylyn like normal, Jill said she had to go to the bathroom and raced instead to wait outside Hilton’s fourth-period classroom.
“Hilton!” Jill hissed as Hilton approached. “I have to tell you something! I didn’t wanna say anything to Lorylyn, but I saw Brady and Brooke walking together in the hall today! And they were like standing really close and laughing and touching! So I don’t know what to think! You haven’t heard about them going on any more dates or anything, have you?”