He is an addiction, and addictions are never good for you. He’s taking me deeper into his world, deeper into his dark desires, but I’m never able to get behind the physical aspect of our relationship. I just lose more of who I am.
And then came the roses . . .
They arrived at my door the next morning, and I was seduced by the romantic gesture. And later, when we talked, he assured me that these new, darker places I could feel him taking us was just another part of discovering us, and delving into a deeper level of trust.
I was scared. I knew it meant that calling him “Master” would take on a new meaning. But I convinced myself that if I wanted more from him, maybe he still needed more from me first.
And so I gave up what was left of my life outside of being his. I thought I wanted my life to be his life but somehow, by letting him control more of me, he gave me less of him. The things I have done to please him . . . well, let’s just say I’d never do them for anyone else. I’ve gone everywhere he’s asked me to go. I’ve gone places I never thought I could go. Done things that shredded me inside and out. Now, I need more from him.
9:30 a.m.
At my desk . . .
I have work to do, important details for a big event we are hosting off-site Sunday night. A local artist who paints food is showing at a new bakery owned by the renowned chef Michael Adams. I set up the event after a visit to the bakery, managing to arrange for the chef and the artist to attend. It’s like nothing the gallery has ever hosted, and Mark actually complimented me. Even after all of this time, a compliment from “Bossman,” as Ralph calls him, is hard to get. But then, he put me in charge of the Riptide auctions. I’d say that is a pretty big compliment.
And I should be thinking about the event, calling customers to confirm they are attending, rather than focusing on the fact that “he” hasn’t called me, and what that means. I should go get coffee and clear my head. Yes. I’m going to get coffee, and not next door. I’m sticking to the kitchen and the gallery.
3:00 p.m.
Control. He has it. I do not. I want it back. He thinks I already have it back, and now he’s punishing me for it. He still hasn’t called me. He’s reminding me that he has the power to make me need him, to crave the sound of his voice. And I do. Damn it, I do. I never doubted his power over me, though I keep reminding myself that his actions say he is doubting it. He’s the one trying to prove something that I already know: I need him. And he’s worried that I don’t. That has to mean something. Staying at my apartment has been the smart thing to do. And I’m off tomorrow, with lots of time to myself to think. It’s not only given me space to think but also spawned some in him. Maybe, just maybe, it can be a catalyst for something different for us.
Oh, God. Amanda just told me I have company. Master Two is here, claiming he wants to talk about a painting I’ve been helping him with. But I know that’s not why he’s here.
10:00 p.m.
My apartment
I’m on my couch with a pizza box open on my coffee table. I ate half of a large cheese, plus one extra slice. And some double-stuffed Oreos, though I mostly licked the cream out of them. Funny how stress makes me eat one minute and the opposite the next. Apparently tonight was “feed the problem” night. Does the fact that it was all junk food have any meaning? Oh, yeah. You betcha.
But now that I am stuffed, I have no more excuses left for not writing this entry. Tonight it is clear to me why I’ve withdrawn from my writing in my journals. Creating the entries really does force me to face feelings I’d rather not face. The same reason I’ve ignored my Master’s calls. I’m not ready to face where things are going, or not going, between us.
So, let’s see. Where should I start writing? This afternoon, which I consider the beginning of the end with my Master. I need to think of the event I’m about to describe that way. I need to remember that this relationship I am in is not the one I want, nor is it what I ever set out to develop. I have to remember this when I see my Master again.
No, when I see “him” again—when I ensure he is no longer my Master. Because today was unacceptable. Today was the final straw that broke the camel’s back, as my mother would have said.
Master Two came into my office, dressed in a suit and looking his usual handsome, debonair self, his eyes hot with an intent that told me I was right to be worried. The laptop in his hand, free of a case, was the next indicator.
He shut the door. I stood up, my spine stiffening. “We don’t meet when he’s not here.” My heart was thundering like a hard, heavy drum and I thought it might break my breastbone.
“He wants me here,” he assured me, stalking forward, and coming behind the desk before flipping open the screen and watching the system boot up. He hit a few keys and began to dial up a video program that I knew better than I wanted to.
Master Two stared down at me with so much primal heat, I cut my gaze to the computer. “He” appeared on the screen and my thundering heart sputtered a moment. “You know how I feel about my job and personal life being mixed,” I hissed at Master.
“This does nothing to hurt your job,” Master assured me. “You are simply meeting with a legitimate customer.”
Master Two wrapped an arm around me and pulled me against his hard body. “I’ll make sure no one suspects anything but business happened when I leave.” His hand glided over my backside and he turned to pull me flush to him, letting me feel his hard cock against my stomach.
“No,” I panted at him and, damn it, I was aroused. My body (or maybe it’s my mind) is programmed by my Master, with the help of Master Two (far too often for my happiness), to react automatically to them.
But I was at work, and that had me clinging to sanity. My fingers dug into his arms. “Not here. Later. When I’m home.”
“Right now,” Master said softly. “Here. Do it because it pleases me.” He paused. “Or don’t. This is your decision. It’s always your decision.”
I hated how aroused I was, how easily I could say “yes” and forget the important barrier I’d put in place. And once I forgot it, he’d forget it. I’d be headed down a path I didn’t want to go. In some corner of my mind, I knew that’s how I’d ended up here. I had let myself go places just to please him, places I wasn’t comfortable going that led to darker and darker places.
Master Two leaned in and whispered in my ear. “I’d like to set you down in that chair, spread you wide, and lick you into oblivion. Just say the word.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and my thighs together. This was part of the power play. This was my Master proving to me he still had this kind of power over me. Or maybe he was proving it to himself.
I fought to remember the journal entries, and the reasons why I should or shouldn’t do this. He needed this. He needed to feel he still had this hold on me. Didn’t loving him mean giving that to him?
“Yes,” I whispered. “Yes. Okay.”
Master Two yanked my slim-cut teal dress to my hips and turned me so that my backside was on display for my Master. I could feel his hot stare on my body and my skin heated, my breasts growing heavy, my thighs tight. Master Two cupped my backside and squeezed, his eyes finding mine, his breath warm as it tickled my lips.
“It’s all about you, baby. Moan for me. That’s all I want.” He turned me and set me in the chair and before I could blink, he was on his knees in front of me, spreading my legs. But then the roses flashed in my mind. I’d thought giving him more meant he’d give me more. Maybe . . . maybe I needed to give him less.
“Red,” I said, murmuring my safe word. And then louder. “Red.”
Master Two immediately dropped his hands from my legs. I stood up and pulled my dress down and turned to the computer screen, shaking. “I can’t do this. Not anymore.”
I saw a flash of something in his eyes that I want to believe was pain. Knowing we are falling apart is destroying me, and I need to know he feels something, too. I gave him the power to hurt me, and I gave him my heart. He never promised
me his. He never promised me anything he didn’t give me.
The computer screen went dead and I had to walk Master Two out, making small talk and pretending that his hands had not just been on my backside, that my thighs were not slick from how near his tongue had been to licking me.
When I returned to my desk, my cell phone immediately rang and I knew it was my Master.
I didn’t answer. I can’t talk to him. And it’s not even because I’m angry. It’s because I’m weak. I’m always so damn weak with him.
Midnight
Last thought of the night. No more contracts. No more being shoved into a box of his design. I’m still willing to go where we’ve been, and be submissive during erotic play, but not at other times. Not on his terms only.
Tomorrow, when I see him, we will be different. I will be different. I’ll be me again, the woman he wanted when all of this started.
Okay, a second last thought that seems unrelated—or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just an indicator of how much of a wreck I am right now, but that weird foreboding I had for weeks last year is back. I hate the feeling, the sense that something terrible is going to happen. I just keep telling myself nothing terrible happened last year. And nothing terrible is going to happen now.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
8:00 a.m.
I’m sitting in the coffee shop next to the gallery, at the same corner table that I once sat at when my Master charged in, took me into the bathroom, and spanked me. That memory is why I’m here—to remind myself that I drew a line in the sand that day. It’s part, though not all, of the reason I rarely come here anymore.
Ava is the other part, and not just because she saw us come out of that bathroom together. Ava is . . . I think I’ll save her for another entry. I have enough to fret about as it is.
Back to that day here in the coffee shop. When my Master, who wasn’t my Master yet, had spanked me in the bathroom, it had aroused me and confused me. Just thinking about that moment when he’d yanked my skirt up and made me agree to let him spank me, and the moment his hand had touched my backside, the erotic charge that had followed, sent a sizzle down my spine. And when it was over, the easy way his fingers slid inside me had shattered me into orgasm. I’m wet just thinking about it, when I should be angry. Exactly what I felt then.
Regardless of liking what he’d done to me, I hadn’t liked where he’d done it. I’d set a hard limit of nothing between us ever happening at a place that was frequented by those involved with the gallery.
It was the only hard limit I’ve ever set, though there were other limits I’d liked to have set. The only one—and yet he crossed that line yesterday. He knew how I felt about this when he sent Master Two to me yesterday. I need to remember that, in order to stay strong.
I am not just a way for him to feel powerful. I won’t be that anymore.
11:00 p.m.
The event was spectacular. The desserts a little piece of heaven. I passed on the crème brûlée; I couldn’t get myself to eat his favorite sweet. The artist, a kindred spirit with the name of Rebecca Knight, sold several paintings and was beyond ecstatic. And now I’m at home, about to take a hot bath, alone.
“He” didn’t call. He hasn’t called again. And he won’t. That would give me the power. And lord only knows, that would be a sin. I’m just glad I’m off tomorrow. I plan to organize my apartment and do a little decorating.
Monday, May 7, 2012
7:00 p.m.
Last night, or I guess technically early this Monday morning, around twoish, there was a knock on my door. I sat up with my heart thundering, flashing back of the night Josh had gotten drunk and threatened me, then showed up at my apartment. I still can’t believe a guy I dated a few times went quite so crazy, and I still can’t shake the feeling he’s still around. Maybe that’s the foreboding feeling?
I’d wrapped myself in a robe to cover my skimpy “PINK” sleep shirt and stood at my door. “Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Rebecca.”
His voice slid through me like hot buttered rum, warm, rich, and enticing. The weakness I’d feared he would evoke in me was instantaneous, and I hadn’t even opened the door. I pressed my hand to the wood separating us. “You aren’t supposed to be back yet.”
“Are you going to let me in?”
I thought of saying “no,” but it wasn’t a real consideration. I had to see him. I had to feel him close. I turned the lock and pulled open the door.
He stood there, so damn devastatingly handsome, his hair and clothes rumpled like he’d had a rough night of travel. And the look on his face did me in. His eyes were dark, tormented, his expression stark, worried, expressive. He thought I might turn him away, and it was eating him alive.
At that moment, I didn’t care why he worried or what his motivation might be. I didn’t think about the impact of a Master as powerful as him losing control of his submissive, and how it might make him react. All I knew right then was that he was afraid of losing me. And me him . . .
We moved at the same time. I backed into the apartment and he stepped inside, kicking the door shut. I was in his arms in a flash, him lifting me, my legs wrapping around his waist. His mouth came down on mine and he tasted like more of that hot buttered rum I’d heard in his voice, but better, spicier. Sweeter, because I’d feared I’d never taste him again, or feel him, or touch him.
He laid me down on my bed, coming down on top of me, and our lips parted, breaking the drugging kiss. He stared down at me, his eyes intense, stormy.
“How are you here?” I whispered, daring to touch his cheek without permission, reveling in the way he let me.
“I had to see you.” His mouth came down on mine again, his tongue stroking deeply, possessively. And yes, there was a command in the kiss, a command that I submit, but there was more, too. There was passion, so much passion. The kind of passion he holds in check and denies me.
He wasn’t in check then. He wasn’t in control. But neither was I. Not with his big, wonderful body on top of mine, the weight of him arousing me, teasing me with the moment he would be inside me. I wanted that so badly, it hurt.
He tugged my robe loose and his hand slid over my ribs and caressed my breast, fingers teasing my nipple. A moan slid from my lips, and he swallowed it with another long, sultry stroke of his tongue. I was sinking into the oblivion Master Two had promised me in my office but had never have come close to providing. Only “he” could really take me there.
I tugged at his shirt, needing to feel skin against skin. He pulled it over his head and tossed it aside, displaying rippling muscle from the waist up. “Take your shirt off,” he ordered, standing up to finish undressing.
Yes, get it off and get him back on top of me, where he belonged! I’d barely tossed it away when he was back on top of me, his hands on my breasts, mouth on my neck. I arched into him, trembling with my need for him, this man who has called to me in a way no other human being ever has or perhaps ever will again.
He was thick between my slick thighs and my fingers dug into his shoulders, but I couldn’t pull him closer. I wanted him closer. I wanted him inside me. His mouth was traveling down my neck, over my shoulders, back up again. These are the moments that I revel in, when he doesn’t hold back, when he doesn’t restrain me or himself. We are just . . . us. We are just lost and alive and passionate. They are few and far between, and this was one of those times—and more. We kissed each other like we were breathing life into our bodies, like we couldn’t survive without each other. I’d never felt this with him, never felt as if he needed me as much as I needed him.
Finally he parted my legs and slid between them, hovering above me, his eyes connecting with mine, and I felt him everywhere, clear to my soul. I know. I know. That sounds a little crazy and like I’m romanticizing the moment, but I’m not. I felt him everywhere.
He pressed inside me, stretched me, and sank deep, until we were one, joined together, and I had this sudden moment of fear it might be the last
time. Something flickered in his eyes and I almost thought he felt it, too, and that it shredded him as much as it did me.
With a low guttural sound, his mouth came down on mine harder, his kiss darker, more commanding, as if he could stop whatever might follow this if he claimed me then. He dragged his cock backward along my sensitive flesh, and then he thrust hard. I gasped as sensations rocked from my sex through my body.
It was a wild frenzy of us trying to get closer, to get him deeper, to get more, more, more, and more. More what? I don’t know. Just more. It’s the only way I can describe how it felt, and I loved how NOT controlled it was, how not in control he was.
LOVED. IT.
When it was over, we collapsed together in a hot, sweaty wonderful moment of satisfaction that became several minutes. Slowly, our breathing became less labored, our muscles relaxing, bodies melting into each other’s. Neither of us spoke. It was as if we both thought words would destroy what our bodies had communicated.
At some point, he grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and gave it to me. When I would have gotten up to go to the bathroom, he pulled me back against him, wrapping his leg over mine and burying his head in my neck. I had the impression he thought that if I left the bed, I wouldn’t come back.
Looking back now, he might have been right. My mind would have started running as wildly as my body had just responded to him, telling me all the reasons why what I’d just done had been a mistake.
“Let’s sleep,” he said softly.
No command. No demand that we go to his place.
“You’re going to stay here?”
“Yes. I’m staying here.”
Stunned, I lay there a moment before a smile curved my lips and my lashes lowered. He was here. And he was willing to do things he wouldn’t normally do.