Ignoring him back didn’t come close to expressing how mad and disappointed I was. I didn’t want to fight, but at least it would be something.
If I was honest with myself, I missed him. No way I wasn’t ready to admit that.
How in the hell was I going to fix this? The small spoiled child inside me wanted to stomp my feet and demand I get a cake and get to eat it too.
I wished I could say I didn’t need him, that I could do fine without him. The thought of it was fetal position inducing.
Was the idea of helping me become my own woman so cringe-worthy that he would let go of our entire relationship?
That couldn’t be. I had to try again before I left. I would soothe his fears, remind him I was the same girl he’d always known and convince him going to Texas would be good for both of us.
First, I had to get him to look at me.
If nothing else, guys were visual creatures, so I had to make myself visually impossible to ignore. Naked would probably do the trick, but the mounds of lingerie I had been binge buying would be more fun.
I pulled out a black silky thing with frothy pink embellishments and big heart sewn into the butt. That, plus my ridiculous heels and mussed sex hair gave me the look I needed to get any man’s attention.
Now to find Gray...and knock his socks, belt, and pants off.
I strutted out of my room and straight into Cade’s chest.
I toppled, he grabbed and saved me from tumbling to the carpet. “Don’t you look beautiful. What’s the occasion?”
“I’m on a mission.”
He rubbed his hands together, cutely conspiratorially. “A secret one?”
“Black ops, or rather Gray ops.”
“Ah. Danger and intrigue. I wish you success.” His words hit me as a little sad, like the lover of a soldier on a suicide mission.
That didn’t bode well.
“Uh, thanks.” I think.
He rubbed a hand through my hair and gripped it in his fist. He bent to my neck and in a low voice said, “When you return, I want a minute alone with you.”
I was going to need either a celebration or some consoling after my upcoming battle. I touched his cheek, needing that connection to draw strength from. “Of course. Now, wish me luck.”
He brushed his lips across mine. Not a kiss, more of a goodbye. “Luck.”
He let go and slipped back into his room. There was something going on with him, but I didn’t have time to figure it out now. Later. I could only deal with one catastrophe at a time.
Ilario waited for me at the foot of the stairs with a hurt puppy-dog face. Must be the clacking of my shoes on the hardwood bringing the boys out.
“Mistress, allow me to ravage your luscious body now.” He ran the back of his hand down my arm and looked longingly at my outfit.
My sweet Ilario. “Maybe in a bit. I’ve got something I need to do first.”
“Gray?”
I’d do him if he let me. “I hope so.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. The discord between Gray and I had affected everyone. “Yes, please. I pray for your success.”
I made it all the way into the kitchen before my next roadblock. Dominic leaned against the door with his arms crossed and that bouncer scowl on his face. He spotted me, which was easy enough to do in my current state of lingerie-ness, and stood up straight.
“I didn’t expect to see you yet, and not in your pretty things.”
This was like a harem gauntlet. “I’m on a mission.”
He frowned, and his eyebrows went down. “To get Gray back?”
“Yep.” I tapped my foot.
He frowned. Out of the three of them he’d been there to witness the fight and had driven us home afterward. “How?”
“I don’t know yet, but I’m hoping this will help.” I ran my hands down the silk. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the garage to sprawl myself across one of the cars.”
I pushed by him and out the door. It wasn’t until I was just inside the dark garage that my brain stuttered. Wait... what? Back?
What did Dominic mean by getting Gray back? We were fighting, but Gray would never leave me.
The rows of cars were silent, cold. My heels clacked, and the sound echoed off the steel and glass. A chill skittered across my skin, but I felt it all the way to my spine. I rubbed my arms and walked to foot of the stairs up to Gray’s apartment.
An envelope was taped to his door. My name in dark ink stood stark against the white paper. I recognized Gray’s handwriting with his plain printing.
It took me a full fourteen breaths to talk my feet into going up there. There sure seemed to be at least a hundred more steps than I remembered.
I snagged the envelope off the door and sat on the top stair turning it over and over in my hands. Where was Gray? Why was there no light on in his apartment? Why had he felt like he needed to leave me a note instead of talking to me?
I didn’t want the answer to any of those questions. They were all too horrible.
Even as my heart knew, I had to see for myself.
The envelope opened easily, the top simply tucked into the fold. A single sheet waited inside. I slid it out and read.
Angel,
I know I set you on this path of dark pleasures or maybe I just encouraged it. A beautiful woman like you should be able to revel in her sexuality, but I can’t stay to watch.
It is your choice to pursue training to become a Dominatrix, and I know you will because it doesn’t seem to matter what I tell or ask you to do. I don’t know how to help you anymore.
It’s your right to exercise some rebelliousness and grab a hold of your independence. In fact, it’s about time you did. I can’t express how much I hated Marc and I reveled in the revenge of helping you destroy his precious reputation with that sex tape.
I have to be done helping you now.
It was my choice to stay and watch everything slip out of my control, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t or won’t help you make this mistake. I can’t save you anymore.
—Gray
The letter dropped from my hand and fluttered, back and forth, back and forth, the ten-thousand feet to the floor. The cold of the dead garage seeped into me. The chill I’d gotten before returned a hundred-fold. I couldn’t stop shivering.
I curled up against the door and closed my eyes.
CHAPTER FOUR
Ain’t No Sunshine
Sunlight made my whole world pink, but I’d rather look at the inside of my eyelids than open my eyes. The bed was so soft and the pillow smelled like Gray. I would just lay here a bit longer.
The damn voices in my head wouldn’t leave me alone.
“She’s been sleeping for too long. We should wake her up.”
“Dios mio, no. She has had a shock. Let her be.”
“I knew it was strange that she wasn’t upset when I saw her in the hall yesterday. I just thought it was part of her denial to be running around the house in her silky underthings.”
Those voices were not in my head. But they were rattling my skull and my nerves.
“Would you guys quit talking about me like I’m not here, please?” Ugh, was that my cracked and croaky voice? My throat felt like a porcupine.
“Bella mia, you are awake.”
I wished I wasn’t. I was never drinking again. Wait. No. I hadn’t gotten drunk, although I would probably feel better right now if I had. This wasn’t a hangover. It was way, way worse.
“No, I’m not. Go away.” I still hadn’t opened my eyes, so I did not have to be awake. In fact, maybe if I closed my eyes even tighter this whole damn shitstorm would go away.
Gray was the one thing in my life I could always count on. I never pegged him for a rat. Marc was a rat. My father was a rat. Of course, I’d always known that.
I was controlled and manipulated for so long with only Gray to protect me. Then the second I didn’t need protecting he leaves.
What utter bullshit.
A small voice way in the back of my aching head whispered that you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. I didn’t like my own mind trying to tell me this was my fault.
Qué te jodan, brain.
“Angelina. Stop constricting your muscles this way, you will hurt yourself.” Dominic’s voice rang with demand.
His command surprised me, and I opened my eyes to see him kneeling next to the bed. He never called me anything but Mistress. The look on my face must have matched my confusion because his features softened, and he rubbed my arms.
I had rolled myself into a ball worthy of the Cirque du Soleil. His touch prickled, and I wanted to crawl away. Two more hands joined Dominic’s, caressing my legs. With the slightest movement I felt the pangs of a Charley horse, but I couldn’t unclench. Another two hands joined, running fingers through my hair and across my scalp.
“Shh, cara mia. Relax, let the anger fall away from your body.” Ilario’s voice sing songed his words to me, trying to help me relax.
Screw relaxing.
“No. He deserves my anger. If I knew where he was I’d, I’d, punch him in the face.”
Cade stroked my hair, pulling the pain and anger out of me with his words and touch. “I know, Angelina. We are all very upset Gray has left us. We are all a bit lost. But what we know to do is come together and take care of you. Let us do that now.”
With each pass of their hands over my body, my muscles released, even though my mind was slow to follow. This was my fault. If I had just done what Gray wanted, we would all be having fun at the club touching each other in all the dirtiest of ways.
Wouldn’t it have gotten me to the same end?
I decided to be stubborn.
I had to have my rebellion.
I’d never been a rebel in my whole life.
And didn’t that stink like a heaping pile of skunk shit.
The anger was the only thing sustaining my sanity. I wanted to let it boil and bubble until it burned through all the emotions tumbling around inside of me.
The six-hand massage worked magic setting free the tight grip my anger had on my body. Dominic pulled my fist into his hands and finger by finger opened my hand revealing bloody half-moon marks where I’d dug into the flesh with my fingernails.
The wounds stung and I welcomed the pain. Anything was better than the tears I knew were coming.
The more pain, the less it would mean if I cried. Maybe I could even find pleasure in the pain.
Yes. Pleasure in pain. I reached for Cade and pulled him to me. He would understand best what I needed now. I kissed him lightly and then bit down on his lip.
He jerked away, but I held the back of his head hard in my fingers. His lip slid from between my teeth and he hissed. His eyes searched mine and in less than a breath he got my game.
He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. “Our mistress wants to play. Dominic, pull those covers off her and hold her arms. Ilario, see if you can find something to bind her hands and feet.”
Dominic did as he was told, like the good harem boy he was. The cold air hit my skin and sent shivers up my body. It was all so easy for my mind to go to the dark sensual place, like a drug I’d taken so many times before. I wanted and needed to find that oblivion.
“Mistress?” Ilario sounded unsure about his orders.
“Do it.” My own command rang true in my voice now. I waved toward a dresser a few feet away. “There’s a whole drawer of ties over there. He won’t need them anymore, so we’ll put them to good use.”
Ilario frowned but obeyed. “Yes, Mistress.”
“See if you can find any of his toys while you’re there. Something that will hurt.”
Maybe if the pain was on the outside I wouldn’t feel it on the inside.
Ilario exchanged a worried look with Cade and Dominic, but Cade nodded. Thank God.
Ilario threw a handful of ties to each of them. They didn’t wait to bind me. My hands were pressed together, and the tie pulled tight around my wrists. Cade wound the other end to a very convenient hook in the headboard. I refused to think about what else, or who else, Gray had used that hook with.
Dominic tied a complicated series of knots, putting three ties together into a long chain. Then he lifted the end of the mattress and slipped his arm underneath. The ends of the fabric hung from the sides and he looped the ends up and around my ankles forcing my legs to spread open wide.
Yes. This was everything I needed from them. They were going to have to force Gray from my mind.
Cade used one more tie to cover my eyes. He wrapped the silk tight until it didn’t move and there was no more light. Then he pushed his fingers into my mouth and pulled my jaw open wide. Dry silk pushed into my mouth and I could no longer talk.
I prayed for them to be even harsher with me and my body.
I could hardly move, I couldn’t see or speak, and I had no power over what was about to happen to me. I didn’t want control anymore.
If I hadn’t tried to lord over Gray, none of this would have happened in the first place. It was so much easier to go back to meek and complacent. No decisions to make, no mistakes made.
“Dominic, slip your hand into one of hers.” Cade had taken full charge of this scene. He’d always hovered at the edge of his power, being the beta to Gray. With the alpha gone, Cade slipped easily into that role. He was born to it. I knew he had that in him. I needed him to wield it now.
Soft hands, so much bigger than mine worked their way in and around my grip. “Squeeze to say you’re okay.”
I gripped onto those fingers with all my might and nodded my head.
“Good girl.” A new darker tone boomed in Cade’s voice. I clung to the sound of it, letting it work its way past my defences. “I’ll ask you to squeeze Dominic’s hand periodically, but if you ever need to safeword, let go and open your fingers and palm all the way. We’ll stop what we’re doing and move straight into aftercare.”
I kept my grip tight on Dominic’s hand and my mind attuned to Cade’s commands. The sooner the scene could take me away, the sooner I could begin to forget, to push it all away. Away from the pain in my heart and head, away from the pain of losing Gray.
“Dom, suck on those plump nipples. Get them nice and hard. Ilario, bring the toys over and let’s choose the right one for this game.”
Cade’s commands over the other men and the calculated way he planned to make this scene work for me washed me in a sense of comfort I needed deep in my soul.
“I found only a small stash of items. This remote-control vibrating egg might be fun.” A package was ripped open and several cycles of buzzing sounds floated to my ears.
“What else?” There was an impatience in Cade’s voice that had never been there before. It echoed my own inside my head.
“This riding crop,” Ilario offered.
Yes. I didn’t know what Cade’s plans were, but I knew he understood what I needed.
“Perfect. I know exactly what to do with that.” Cade cupped my chin in his hand. “Today, she needs some pain with her pleasure.
I nodded, squeezed Dominick’s hand, and moaned my yes through the tie. If they hadn’t found the crop, or a flogger, or paddle, or something, I would have insisted on spankings. I had learned that some erotic pain amped up my arousal and orgasms, but that wasn’t what I was looking for now. I wanted more than a little erotic pain. I needed enough to pull the pain from my insides, out.
“Good. Listen carefully. Dominic will stimulate you with soft kisses, licks, and anything else he wants to do with his mouth and hands from your waist up. Ilario will do the same from the waist down.”
He paused and I voluntarily squeezed Dominic’s had to show that I understood.
“Good girl,” he continued. “In between you will ask me to use the riding crop on you. I will only touch you with it in the last place their mouths have been. If you want your nipples and pussy licked, they will also be the places I use the crop on.”
I clung to Cade’s new s
adistic streak.
“Do you consent to this game of predicament play?” His voice rang with power.
I nodded. Boy, did I ever.
“Good. I’m not taking the gag out. You can talk around it.”
A moment passed and then my nipples were sucked, my pussy caressed. Dom bit at my skin, preparing it for what came next. Ilario licked my clit until I was close to coming. Too much, too soon. I didn’t want to come yet. It all felt too good.
“Cade, now.” My words were muffled, but we both knew what I asked for.
Ilario and Dom, pulled away and Cade stroked the crop between my legs. The first smack was fast and hard. It stung and I welcomed the rush of adrenaline. This was what I needed. Stimulations, sensation, and sin. It was the only way I could focus.
Cade’s crop landed on my pussy until tears tingled behind my eyes. I didn’t want the guys to see the tears leak from the blindfold and I turned my head. Hopefully they’d think I was writhing around in pleasure.
“More,” Cade demanded. He moved his hits from between my legs to my breast. The pain zinged through me, heating my skin, sending mixed signals to my brain. Hurt and relief. Pleasure and pain.
They did the exercise again, pulling me ever closer to orgam, but still I needed more. Floating behind the blackness of my closed eyes was still Gray, his commands, his demands, his abandonment.
Cade used that crop to awaken all my senses. The whoosh of the leather through the air before it struck my skin. The sweet heat it created in every nerve. The scent of my own arousal as the guys worked my body. The taste of my own blood in my mouth as I bit into my own lip to keep from crying out.
None of it was enough to erase the vision of Gray and my own betrayal to us both from my mind.
“Ilario, slide your fingers in her cunt and find that g-spot. Ride it while I smack her clit with the crop.” Cade’s lips touched my ear. “It’s time for you to come, and you’re going to come hard. Let go, Angelina. Let. Go.”
The crop landed over and over, striking my clit, engorging my flesh. I’d gone past the point of numbness and was edging toward my pain threshold. No way was I calling safeword now. I wanted it to hurt and I wanted to feel good again.