“You’ll hate prison. You’re too pretty to be safe.”
“I’ll claim insanity. Trust me, these hormones qualify for at least twelve different psychoses.”
“Fair enough. Rush is in the dark. Now spill it.”
And I do. I tell her all about the frat party, about stalking Eli all night, about the beer pong with Seth, and that blur of a wrestling match I had on the mattress with Eli in which I blindly gifted him my virginity.
“So that’s it. I decided to walk on the wild side, and I ended up with a bonus human.”
“I knew it was a lousy idea. And how did you manage to keep this from me for so long? God, are you going to tell him? I mean, he’s going to be a dad.” Trixie’s breathing is labored as if she were about to become a parent herself.
“Yes, I’m going to tell him. He’ll hate me if I keep this from him for too long. Seth’s been real nice about everything. He’s making sure I take my vitamins. He even went to my first appointment with me.” I chew on the inside of my cheek so hard I half-expect a tooth to poke through to the other side. “I’m in love with him, Trix. And I’m having another man’s baby. Serena and I have jumped the rails, and I’d give anything to talk to my mother again. How is this my life? It’s like I’m living in some sick soap opera.” My voice is hoarse as I push the words past the baby-sized boulder in my throat.
“Come here.” She pulls me into a nice long hug. “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.” She pulls back with her eyes glittering a watery lavender. “And I totally respect the fact you’re not ready to share this with your brothers, but you’re showing. Soon you’re not going to have to say a word. The whole world is going to know. I say you rip this bandage off before someone rips it off for you—and by someone, I mean your blooming belly.”
“I know.” A hot tear falls over my arm, and I’m quick to wipe my face down. “But I think I owe it to Eli to tell him first.” I take in a ragged breath. “He seems like a decent guy. I don’t think he’ll flip out.”
“Pass out is more like it. You want me to do it with you?” She winces as if the idea petrified her, and ironically nothing petrifies Trixie.
“No, I’m sure Seth will do it with me. In fact, I’ll ask him. You’re right. It’s time to rip off this bandage and tell Eli he’s about to be a father.”
Her chest bounces with a silent laugh, the horror on her face morphing to joy. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom. You’ll totally be the young hip mom that all the other moms talk shit about.”
“I’m pretty sure everyone with a mouth will be talking about me soon enough.” The thought alone makes me want to vomit. “You know I was never someone anyone cared too much about. That’s partly why I magnetized to vlogging—to be seen, heard. And now it feels as if I’m going to be seen and heard for all the wrong reasons. I feel like I’ve let everyone down, my viewers, my friends, my family for sure. And poor Eli. He had no idea what bad news I would pan out to be.”
Her lip curls up in a snarl at the mention of his name. “Has he said anything to you? About that night?”
“Are you kidding? I was probably one of many. I doubt he remembers. It was all sort of a haze. The booze was flowing. Unfortunately, the condoms were not.”
“Huh, that’s strange. I didn’t really think Eli was such a player. I thought it was all a lot of talk. Your brother—now that’s another story. He was the real deal.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter either way. Here we are.” I wrap my hands over my belly.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. It’s practically the universal sign for baby on board. I especially wouldn’t do that around your brother. Rush is going to grab the nearest machete and slash his way to poor Eli Gates. There will be a body count, I can assure you of that.” She tips her head to the side. “I sort of saw you and Baker coming, though. I knew you were a couple before you did.”
“Oh, we’re not a couple. That whole boyfriend thing was a bit blown up. We’re just, you know, unofficially official.”
“Well, make it official. I think you deserve at least one great thing to go your way.”
“Agree.” I let out a groan that sounds like a bear on fire. “But there’s no way I’m even bringing it up. I’m a charity case. A charity case who happens to owe a charity a hell of a lot of money.”
She wrinkles her nose at the thought. “Seth brought up some pretty cool ideas to the media club. Has he run any of it past you?”
“No, what is it?” My heart thumps with the hope of at least having one thing go right for a change.
“Never mind. He probably just wants to see if it’ll pan out first.”
“I can tell you right now if I’m attached to it in any way it’s a full-on bust. I don’t need to hear it. It’s dead in the water.” I push my coffee away. “And as soon as I tell my brothers my news, so am I.”
After a few catatonic moments, I gather up my purse.
“I’m taking off,” I announce as I stand to leave. “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s time to grab life by the horns and lead it in the direction I want to go in for a change. Sure, it backfired spectacularly when I did it the first time, but what’s the worst that can happen when the worst has already happened? I have to get going. I’ve already knocked out the first two things on my to-do list, and it’s time to knock out number three.”
“What’s number three?” she shouts after me.
“You don’t want to know.” It’s about time I go after what I really want, and what I really want is just the right person to extinguish this fire blazing between my thighs.
Later that evening, after a quickie vlog and quickie shower, I’m hoping it’s three for three, one more quickie to make my day complete. Face it, soon enough I’ll be unbeddable and, as it stands, I’m ninety-nine percent there. I just can’t take this feeling of lust and yearning for another moment. It’s perfectly unnatural. And sadly for Seth, the only one I’m lusting after and yearning for is him. Although if Eli caves, he totally wins. I might be in love with Seth, but I wouldn’t want to put the poor guy through the horror.
If all the basketball players are prone to head to the Black Bear after practice, then that’s where I want to be. I donned the maternity jeans Izzy gave me—Izzy, who has been nothing but a lifesaver, actually dropped a bag of clothes off at my dorm a few days ago. She’s so huge it’s terrifying, but I let her know she’s just as cute as ever. Which is totally untrue, but what was I going to say? Damn, girl, you’ve morphed into Momzilla! Did you swallow the space station? Do they make underwear in your size? And thanks to Izzy I now know the answer to that last one. Yes, in fact, they do. She purchased me my very own pack of granny panties because she was certain that I wouldn’t bother. She assured me there’s not a thong known to man worth the time to excavate at her stage in the game, so granny panties it is. But I digress, my cute maternity skinny jeans—a total oxymoron—have paired nicely with the black quasi-fitted tunic with the keyhole opening just below the neck, and yet baggy enough for people to assume I have nothing more than a muffin top to hide. It’s all foreign to me. Life has become foreign to me. Another girl’s clothes—heck, this might as well be another girl’s body. I wish it was.
I head straight to the Black Bear, and no sooner do I step inside than the scent of fresh grilled burgers assaults my senses. A dull moan works its way up my throat as my stomach begins to churn. My stomach has become an insatiable beast that can no more be satisfied than a wildfire set to devour acres of delicious forestland. I head over to an empty booth while waving to Serena from across the room and she lifts a finger.
Soon enough the room floods with the gods of the Mustang Dome, and everyone with ovaries is on high alert. My entire body piques with excitement. My heart drums straight into my ears at the prospect of having all of my carnal dreams come true tonight—we’re trying this again and in a lucid state. Dr. Green said sex was S-A-F-E and I fully believe him. Unlike Seth, I’m not convinced Dr. Gre
en got his degree from a Cracker Jack box. He’s Izzy’s doctor and Misty’s, too. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to purposefully put my baby or me in harm’s way. Besides, I’ve done some research myself, and it turns out orgasmic activity—the article’s verbiage, not mine—is actually good for an expectant mother in her first trimester. It helps further implant the embryo—and even though I’m far beyond the embryo phase of the body building game, that article gave me an inch and I’m taking a sexual mile. And as a loving mother, I plan on doing what’s best for my child. Starting tonight.
Among the crowned deities, Eli enters the bar with all the sexual magnetism the female population has grown to expect from him, so of course without thinking I flag him over. And wouldn’t you know it, I feel just as foolish as I did the first time around.
“What’s up?” He hovers above me with those broad shoulders, those cut features and marbled eyes, and I try to envision a miniature version of him running around—only in my fantasy the kid morphs into a tiny version of Seth. Totally adorable—totally breaks my heart at the same time.
As giddy as I am to get the party in my pants started, I can’t seem to offer him a seat. “Um, did you win?”
His brows pinch together as he inspects me with what appears to be mild concern. More than I’ve ever feared being the pregnant girl in school, I far more fear people secretly thinking I’m insane. And now I get to watch both of my worst nightmares unfold before my very eyes. When I dismantle my life, I not only knock the walls out, but I set fire to the curtains, too.
“I guess?” He shakes his head. “It was practice, so we always win.” He gives a little wink, and that single ocular motion puts me at ease. “Are you here alone?”
“Yes, actually, I am.” Liar, liar, granny panties on fire! Technically, I am never alone, but I’m not ready to spring that tidbit on good ol’ baby daddy just yet. “You want to join me? I bet I can out eat you on the grande nachos. You up for a cheesy challenge? Or are you too big of a sissy to even try?” I force my throatiest voice on him in hopes he can overlook the fact I’m bloated and my hair hangs like spaghetti, and that I just inadvertently hinted at the fact I might think he’s a sissy. I never said I was an expert on the fine art of seduction.
“It sounds like you need a glass of water.” A slow spreading grin takes over his face as he sits down across from me. “And it sounds like you’re on.”
Serena is kind enough to furnish us with the largest platter of nachos known to man, all the while pointing to Eli behind his back with her jaw to the floor as if trying to assess my child’s paternity right here in the Black Bear. Of course, I shake my head at her—not because he doesn’t fit the DNA bill, but because I’m not up for answering such life-hijacking questions at the moment.
Eli and I indulge in the hearty meal and not much else. It turns out Eli and I don’t have a whole lot in common. For instance, I’m knocked up, and he’s not. I’m not into macroeconomics, and he very much finds the science behind it quite intriguing. I’m very much into Seth, and he’s not Seth by a long shot. It turns out, baby daddy is an all-around nice guy who will bore our child to tears with the driest concepts known to man and finance. He’s kindhearted, smart, and caring—three stellar attributes to have in a father, but he’s still lacking in one department. He’s not Seth. How could I have run out and mated with the first man I saw? What was so important about sleeping around? Losing something as precious as my virginity to someone who doesn’t even seem to remember our time together as much as I do?
We’re just about through with our meal—I’m winning by the way—when Seth breezes in, and my heart kick-starts to life. There he is, so alarmingly handsome that sweet spot between my thighs starts convulsing without even having him near me. I’m pretty sure Seth has just cured my hormonal dilemma, and I didn’t even have to set foot near a mattress.
He heads over, and that perennially content look on his face melts like snow.
“What’s going on?” He gives Eli a hard look. It’s really sort of sweet. Seth is protective over me. I get it. Plus, he knows that Eli is still in the dark about his paternity. I think maybe he wants to be around when I tell him. Hey? Maybe now is a good time? Ripping off the bandage and all that good stuff, which will eventually land me in a psychiatric unit somewhere burying my head under a pillow.
Eli inches his head back, his own affect growing dark. “Just hanging out. You got a problem with that?”
“Hell yeah, I got a problem with that.” Seth steps in like a dare, and that male prone gorilla-like rage puffs up his chest.
“Seth,” I squeak without meaning to. “I was just about to tell Eli about some of the adventures we’ve had. You know, like the ones that led to Little Fish?” I swallow hard because as much as the logical side of me wants to delve into biology and the promise of child support checks, the emotional, irrational, completely idiotic part of me that landed my body in this predicament to begin with screams don’t do it.
“What? Now?” Seth looks affronted and simultaneously terrified for me. Poor guy really is internalizing this whole situation way more than he has to. He’s practically a hero.
“What are you talking about?” Eli looks from Seth to me.
“Nothing!” Seth and I say in unison, then share a laugh because great minds and all that good stuff. I think as much as I need to tell Eli, I should probably come up with a better scenario than a bar. In the least I should take him to the library and sit him down in front of the parenting section. Couple that with my blooming baby bump and he might actually catch on before I open my mouth.
“All right.” Eli stands. “I’m taking off.” He drops a fifty on the table before nodding to me. “You may have won this time, but I say we go best out of three. Watch out because I’m about to up my jalapeño game.” He takes off, and Seth glares his way long after he’s gone.
He slaps the back of his head and gives his neck a quick scratch. “Sorry about that.”
“You think you’re sorry now. Just wait until you see what your punishment will be.”
His megawatt smile turns on like a switch. “Are we headed to my place?”
I give a curt nod. “And I’ll give you a hint. I might even spend the night.”
Seth takes me by the hand and traverses us up to his apartment as Hollow Brook melts around us in a blur.
We get inside his cozy apartment, and he locks the door behind us, pinning me against the wall with his hand. Our chests palpitate in rhythm, and for a moment I trick myself into believing that I’m not the only one who’s unimaginably aroused. It’s like a scene from some romantic movie that I’m very much hoping will morph into a skin flick.
“Hit me with it,” he says it low and slow, and my entire body bucks with pleasure at the sound of his deep, hypnotic voice.
“Before you so rudely interrupted Eli and me, I was about to haul him in the back and force him to retrace his steps.” I glance down at his Levi’s in hopes he’ll take the hint. I am so not cut out for asking for sex. As far as I’m concerned, it’s right up there with asking women their age and your friends how much money they have in their bank accounts. It’s just not something I was raised to do. Oh hell, why the heck not? I open my mouth, and a choking sound evicts from it. And then in an instant defeat rains down on me before it ever begins. “I wanted to ask you something, but it all feels kind of silly now.” I stagger over to the sofa and kick off my shoes because the sodium level in grande nachos is enough to fill Salt Lake ten times over. Plus, Seth couldn’t care less if my feet were swollen because of nachos or if they smelled like nachos. Seth is just a good friend who’s going out of his way to be nice to me. I bet he secretly hates me and wishes I’d go away. The thought is so hard to bear I actually moan as if I were in pain.
“Please tell me you don’t hate me.” I put my feet up on his coffee table as he lands next to me, his hand brushing the hair from my forehead.
“Hate isn’t a word I’d use to describe what I feel for you.”<
br />
“Oh great. I guess I’ve surpassed all the synonyms known to man for that hellish emotion. I can’t believe I’ve thrust myself on you like some unwanted cold sore or STD. I’m basically the third nipple you never wanted.”
He belts out a laugh. “Try again. You’re everything I’ve wanted.”
A moment stills between us, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say there was something real brewing here. My body begins to shake, a volcanic eruption begs to rip from my throat in the way of words, and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it.
“I love you, Seth.” Every cell in my body sighs with relief. There. The biggest bandage of them all has just been ripped right off my heart. “I’ve loved you from the moment we met and my brothers made sure I never let on. But I wanted to.” I shrug as the silence thickens the air in the room. My God, I did it, and now there is a weirdness so deep and wide we’re both about to drown in it.
Seth’s eyes gleam with moisture as his features harden. And I can’t tell whether he’s pissed or relieved to hear it. “You love me?”
“Yes.” It comes out hoarse. “I’m so in love with you I can’t sleep at night. Well, that and I’ve got the worst indigestion day after day.” True as God, but I’d bet all the money I don’t have that the feelings I’ve been harboring for Seth are the real source of my unrest.
“That’s because you eat like a frat boy.” The corners of his lips curl up at the sides, and his eyes bear hard into mine. “I love you, too, Sunday.”
“No, no, this isn’t one of those tit-for-tat things. You totally don’t have to say something you clearly don’t mean. I promise, I’m a big girl. I’m okay with it. I just wanted to tell you. Get it off my chest.” My voice breaks because I totally appreciate his tit-for-tat efforts. Seth really is going to make the best plus one to some lucky girl out there.