TRYLAND COURT,
Monday, _November 14th._
I have not felt like writing; these last days have been so stodgy--sticky,I was going to say. Endless infant talk. The methods of head nurses,teething, the knavish tricks of nursemaids, patent foods, bottles,bibs--everything. Enough to put one off forever from wishing to getmarried. And Mary Mackintosh sitting there all out of shape, expoundingtheories that can have no results in practice, as there could not beworse-behaved children than hers.
They even try Lady Katherine, I can see, when the two eldest, who come inwhile we are at breakfast each day, take the jam-spoon, or somethingequally horrid, and dab it all over the cloth. Yesterday they put theirhands in the honey-dish which Mr. Montgomerie was helping himself to, andthen after smearing him (the "burrrs" were awful), they went round thetable to escape being caught, and fingered the backs of every one's chairand the door-handle, so that one could not touch a thing without gettingsticky.
"Alexander, dearie," Mary said. "Alec must have his mouth wiped."
Poor Mr. Mackintosh had to get up and leave his breakfast, catch theseimps, and employ his table-napkin in vain.
"Take 'em up-stairs, do--burrrr," roared their fond grandfather.
"Oh, father, the poor darlings are not really naughty," Mary said,offended. "I like them to be with us all as much as possible. I thoughtthey would be such a pleasure to you."
Upon which, hearing the altercation, both infants set up a yell of fearand rage, and Alec, the cherub of four and a half, lay on the floor andkicked and screamed until he was black in the face.
Mr. Mackintosh is too small to manage two, so one of the footmen had tocome and help him to carry them up to their nursery. Oh, I would not be inhis place for the world!
Malcolm is becoming so funny. I suppose he is attracted by me. He makeskind of love in a priggish way whenever he gets the chance, which is notoften, as Lady Katherine contrives to send one of the girls with us on allour walks; or if we are in the drawing-room, she comes and sits downbeside us herself. I am glad, as it would be a great bore to listen to aquantity of it.
How silly of her, though! She can't know as much about men as even I do;of course, it only makes him all the more eager.
It is quite an object-lesson for me. I shall be impossibly difficultmyself if I meet Mr. Carruthers again, as he has no mother to play thesetricks for him.
Lord Robert's answer came on Saturday afternoon. It was all done throughLady Merrenden.
He will be delighted to come and shoot on Tuesday, to-morrow. Oh, I am soglad, but I do wonder if I shall be able to make him understand not to sayanything about having been at Branches while I was there. Such a simplething, but Lady Katherine is so odd and particular.
The party is to be a large one--nine guns. I hope some will be amusing,though I rather fear.
_Tuesday night._
It is quite late, nearly twelve o'clock, but I feel so wide awake I mustwrite.
I shall begin from the beginning, when every one arrived.
They came by two trains early in the afternoon, and just at tea-time, andLord Robert was among the last lot.
They are mostly the same sort as Lady Katherine, looking as good as gold;but one woman, Lady Verningham, Lady Katherine's niece, is different, andI liked her at once.
She has lovely clothes, and an exquisite figure, and her hat on the rightway. She has charming manners, too, but one can see she is on a dutyvisit.
Even all this company did not altogether stop Mary Mackintosh laying downthe law upon domestic--infant domestic--affairs. We all sat in the bigdrawing-room, and I caught Lady Verningham's eye, and we laughed together.The first eye with a meaning in it I have seen since I left Branches.
Everybody talked so agreeably, with pauses, not enjoying themselves atall, when Jean and Kirstie began about their work, and explained it, andtried to get orders, and Jessie and Maggie too, and specimens of it allhad to be shown, and prices fixed. I should hate to have to beg, even fora charity.
I felt quite uncomfortable for them, but they did not mind a bit, andtheir victims were noble over it.
Our parson at Branches always got so red and nervous when he had to askfor anything, one could see he was quite a gentleman; but women aredifferent, I suppose.
I longed for tea.
While they are all very kind here, there is that asphyxiating atmosphereof stiffness and decorum which affects every one who comes to Tryland. Asort of "the gold must be tried by fire and the heart must be wrung bypain" kind of suggestion about everything.
They are extraordinarily cheerful, because it is a Christian virtue,cheerfulness; not because they are brimming over with joy, or that lovelyfeeling of being alive and not minding much what happens, you feel sosplendid, like I get on fine days.
Everything they do has a reason, or a moral, in it. This party is becausepheasants have to be killed in November, and certain people have to beentertained, and their charities can be assisted through them. Oh, if Ihad a big house, and were rich, I would have lovely parties, with allsorts of nice people, because I wanted to give them a good time and laughmyself. Lady Verningham was talking to me just before tea, when the secondtrain-load arrived.
I tried to be quite indifferent, but I did feel dreadfully excited whenLord Robert walked in. Oh, he looked such a beautiful creature, so smart,and straight, and lithe!
Lady Katherine was frightfully stiff with him; it would have discouragedmost people, but that is the lovely part about Lord Robert, he is alwaysabsolutely _sans gene_!
He saw me at once, of course, and came over as straight as a die themoment he could.
"How do, Robert?" said Lady Verningham, giving him her fingers in such anattractive way. "Why are you here, and why is our Campie not? Therebyhangs some tale, I feel sure."
"Why, yes," said Lord Robert, and he held her hand. Then he looked at mewith his eyebrow up. "But won't you introduce me to Miss Travers? To mygreat surprise she seems to have forgotten me."
I laughed, and Lady Verningham introduced us, and he sat down beside us,and every one began tea.
Lady Verningham had such a look in her eye!
"Robert, tell me about it," she said.
"I hear they have five thousand pheasants to slay," Lord Robert said,looking at her with his innocent smile.
"Robert, you are lying," she said, and she laughed. She is so pretty whenshe laughs; not very young, over thirty I should think, but such acharm--as different as different can be from the whole Montgomerie family.
I hardly spoke; they continued to tease one another, and Lord Robert atemost of a plate of bread-and-butter that was near.
"I am damed hungry, Lady Ver!" he said. She smiled at him; she evidentlylikes him very much.
"Robert! You must not use such language here!" she said.
"Oh, doesn't he say them often?--those dams!" I burst out, not thinkingfor a moment; then I stopped, remembering. She did seem surprised.
"So you have heard them before. I thought you had only just met casually,"she said, with such a comic look of understanding, but not absolutelypleased. I stupidly got crimson. It did annoy me, because it shows sodreadfully on my skin. She leaned back in her chair and laughed.
"It is delightful to shoot five thousand pheasants, Robert," she said.
"Now, isn't it?" replied Lord Robert. He had finished thebread-and-butter.
Then he told her she was a dear, and he was glad something had suggestedto Mr. Campion that he would have other views of living for this week.
"You are a joy, Robert," she said. "But you will have to behave here. Noneof the tricks you played at Fotherington in October, my child. AuntKatherine would put you in a corner. Miss Travers has been here a week,and can tell you I am truthful about it."
"Indeed, _yes_," I said.
"But I _must_ know how you got here!" she comman
ded.
Just then, fortunately, Malcolm, who had been hovering near, came up andjoined us, and would talk too; but if he had been a table or a chair hecould not have mattered less to Lord Robert. He is quite wonderful. He isnot the least rude, only perfectly simple and direct, always getting justwhat he wants, with rather an appealing expression in his blue eyes. In aminute or two he and I were talking together, and Malcolm and LadyVerningham a few yards off. I felt so happy. He makes one like that, Idon't know for what reason.
"Why did you look so stonily indifferent when I came up?" he asked. "I wasafraid you were annoyed with me for coming."
Then I told him about Lady Katherine, and my stupidly not having mentionedmeeting him at Branches.
"Oh, then I stayed with Christopher after you left, I see," he said. "HadI met you in London?"
"We won't tell any stories about it. They can think what they please."
"Very well," he laughed. "I can see I shall have to manoeuvre a gooddeal to talk quietly to you here, but you will stand with me, won't you,out shooting to-morrow?"
I told him I did not suppose we should be allowed to go out, exceptperhaps for lunch, but he said he refused to believe in such cruelty.
Then he asked me a lot of things about how I had been getting on, and whatI intended to do next. He has the most charming way of making one feelthat one knows him very well, he looks at one every now and then straightin the eyes, with astonishing frankness. I have never seen any person soquite without airs. I don't suppose he is ever thinking a bit the effecthe is producing. Nothing has two meanings with him, like with Mr.Carruthers. If he had said I was to stay and marry him, I am sure he wouldhave meant it, and I really believe I should have stayed.
"Do you remember our morning packing?" he said, presently, in such acaressing voice. "I was so happy; weren't you?"
I said I was.
"And Christopher was mad with us. He was like a bear with a sore headafter you left, and insisted upon going up to town on Monday, just for theday. He came over here on Tuesday, didn't he?"
"No, he did not," I was obliged to say, and I felt cross about it still, Idon't know why.
"He is a queer creature," said Lord Robert, "and I am glad you have notseen him. I don't want him in the way. I am a selfish brute, you know."
I said Mrs. Carruthers had always brought me up to know men were that, sosuch a thing would not prejudice me against him.
He laughed. "You must help me to come and sit and talk again afterdinner," he said. "I can see the red-haired son means you for himself, butof course I shall not allow that."
I became uppish.
"Malcolm and I are great friends," I said, demurely. "He walks me roundthe golf-course in the park, and gives me advice."
"Confounded impertinence!" said Lord Robert.
"He thinks I ought not to go to Claridge's alone when I leave here, incase some one made love to me. He feels if I looked more like his sistersit would be safer. I have promised that Veronique shall stay at the otherside of the door if I have visitors."
"Oh, he is afraid of that, is he? Well, I think it is very probable hisfears will be realized, as I shall be in London," said Lord Robert.
"But how do you know," I began, with a questioning, serious air--"how doyou know I should listen? You can't go on to deaf people, can you?"
"Are you deaf?" he asked. "I don't think so; anyway, I would try to cureyour deafness." He bent close over to me, pretending to pick up a book.
Oh, I was having such a nice time!
All of a sudden I felt I was really living, the blood was jumping in myveins, and a number of provoking, agreeable things came to the tip of mytongue to say, and I said them. We were so happy.
Lord Robert is such a beautiful shape, that pleased me too; the perfectlines of things always give me a nice emotion. The other men look thickand clumsy beside him, and he does have such lovely clothes and ties.
We talked on and on. He began to show me he was deeply interested in me.His eyes, so blue and expressive, said even more than his words. I like tosee him looking down; his eyelashes are absurdly long and curly, not jetblack like mine and Mr. Carruthers's, but dark brown and soft and shaded,and, oh! I don't know how to say quite why they are so attractive. Whenone sees them half resting on his cheek it makes one feel it would be niceto put out the tip of one's finger and touch them. I never spent such adelightful afternoon. Only, alas! it was all too short.
"We will arrange to sit together after dinner," he whispered, as evenbefore the dressing-gong had rung, Lady Katherine came and fussed about,and collected every one, and more or less drove them off to dress, saying,on the way up-stairs, to me, that I need not come down if I had rathernot.
I thanked her again, but remained firm in my intention of accustomingmyself to company.
Stay in my room, indeed, with Lord Robert at dinner--never!
However, when I did come down he was surrounded by Montgomeries, andpranced into the dining-room with Lady Verningham.
I had such a bore! A young Mackintosh, cousin of Mary's husband, and onthe other side the parson. The one talked about botany in a hoarsewhisper, with a Scotch accent, and the other gobbled his food, and madekind of pious jokes in between the mouthfuls.
I said, when I had borne it bravely up to the ices, I hated knowing whatflowers were composed of, I only liked to pick them. The youth stared, anddid not speak much more. For the parson, "Yes" now and then did, and likethat we got through dinner.
Malcolm was opposite me, and he gaped most of the time. Even he might havebeen better than the botanist, but I suppose Lady Katherine felt these twowould be a kind of half mourning for me. No one could have felt gay withthem.
After dinner Lady Verningham took me over to a sofa with her, in a corner.The sofas here don't have pillows, as at Branches, but fortunately thisone is a little apart, though not comfortable, and we could talk.
"You poor child!" she said; "you had a dull time. I was watching you. Whatdid that Mactavish creature find to say to you?"
I told her, and that his name was Mackintosh, not Mactavish.
"Yes, I know," she said. "But I call the whole clan Mactavish; it is nearenough, and it does worry Mary so, she corrects me every time. Now don'tyou want to get married, and be just like Mary?" There was a twinkle inher eye.
I said I had not felt wild about it yet. I wanted to go and see lifefirst.
But she told me one couldn't see life unless one were married.
"Not even if one is an adventuress, like me?" I asked.
"A _what_?"
"An adventuress," I said. "People do seem so astonished when I say that. Ihave got to be one, you know, because Mrs. Carruthers never left me themoney after all, and in the book I read about it, it said you were that ifyou had nice clothes, and--and--red hair--and things--and no home."
She rippled all over with laughter.
"You duck!" she said. "Now you and I will be friends. Only you must notplay with Robert Vavasour. He belongs to me. He is one of my special andparticular own pets. Is it a bargain?"
I do wish now I had the pluck then to say straight out that I rather likedLord Robert, and would not make any bargain, but one is foolish sometimeswhen taken suddenly. It is then when I suppose it shows if one's head isscrewed on, and mine wasn't to-night. But she looked so charming, and Ifelt a little proud, and perhaps ashamed to show that I am very muchinterested in Lord Robert, especially if he belongs to her, whatever thatmeans; and so I said it was a bargain, and of course I had never thoughtof playing with him; but when I came to reflect afterwards, that is apromise, I suppose, and I sha'n't be able to look at him any more under myeyelashes. And I don't know why I feel very wide awake and tired, andrather silly, and as if I wanted to cry to-night.
However, she was awfully kind to me, and lovely, and has asked me to goand stay with her, and lots of nice things, so it is all for the best, nodoubt. But when Lord Robert came in, and came over to us, it did feel hardhaving to get up at once and go and pret
end I wanted to talk to Malcolm.
I did not dare to look up often, but sometimes, and I found Lord Robert'seyes were fixed on me with an air of reproach and entreaty, and the lasttime there was wrath as well.
Lady Verningham kept him with her until every one started to go to bed.
There had been music and bridge, and other boring diversions happening,but I sat still. And I don't know what Malcolm had been talking about; Ihad not been listening, though I kept murmuring "Yes" and "No."
He got more and more _empresse_, until suddenly I realized he was saying,as we rose:
"You have promised! Now remember, and I shall ask you to keepit--to-morrow."
And there was such a loving, mawkish, wobbly look in his eyes, it made mefeel quite sick. The horrible part is I don't know what I have promisedany more than the man in the moon. It may be something perfectly dreadful,for all I know. Well, if it is a fearful thing, like kissing him, I shallhave to break my word, which I never do for any consideration whatever.
Oh, dear, oh, dear! It is not always so easy to laugh at life as I oncethought. I almost wish I were settled down, and had not to be anadventuress. Some situations are so difficult. I think now I shall go tobed.
I wonder if Lord Robert---- No, what is the good of wondering; he is nolonger my affair.
I shall blow out the light.