This may seem like a special case, but the general principle holds true for everyone. If you can bring your attention to the level of the soul, struggle ceases. The first thing to change is your perspective, but there are changes in the way that life treats you as well. These are more mysterious. Our society doesn’t accept that the soul—invisible, eternal, detached, unmoving, and immortal—has the power to transform the stubborn world of concrete objects and material events. Yet for life to become easier, the soul must have that power. There are levels of mystery yet to explore.
In Your Life: Creating Your Own Epiphany
It’s unfortunate that the word epiphany is limited to a religious context. People assume that epiphanies are about God and occur only to saints. An epiphany is really a mini-breakthrough. One piece of conditioning is shattered. Instead of being the victim of a rigid belief, you feel released. What causes such a mini-breakthrough? You have to shift your attention to the soul, because that is the aspect of yourself that is not conditioned. The soul represents higher awareness in that sense—it is free from all conditioning. Or, to put it most simply, the soul never says no. Anything is possible. Whatever can be imagined comes true. If you can keep your attention on your soul, you will experience an epiphany every day. Instead of no, you will experience unlimited yes.
To get beyond the power of no is crucially important. No is very convincing. People reject all kinds of experiences because they believe it’s right to reject. They oppose because they can’t bring themselves not to. The spell of no holds them so strongly that little else matters. Some concrete examples will help here, then we will see how each one can be reversed.
Getting Past No
You must break the spell when your mind:
tells you that people don’t change
keeps you trapped in rigid habits
traps the mind in obsessive thoughts
creates cravings that cannot be appeased
puts up fear as a threat if you try to break free
forbids you to have certain thoughts
makes natural urges seem illicit or dangerous
It takes mini-breakthroughs to get past the power of no because there is so much negativity to overcome in so many areas. But in each area the same principle holds: to make life easier, you need to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. I know this sounds terribly general, but in reality if you were doing the right thing, you would be in contact with your soul already, and you life would be unfolding, day by day, on the principle of yes. So you have to stop what you’re doing and shake things up.
Now let’s look at the specific areas where the power of no needs to be dislodged.
Negative Belief #1: People don’t change. This familiar assertion seems reasonable in moments of discouragement and frustration, but if you look more closely, it has the effect of shutting down change in yourself. In essence, if other people can’t or won’t change, we’re fated to live in the status quo. When you assume nobody is going to change, you have closed the box and locked them in. At the same time, you get locked in, too. It’s easy to miss that implication, because in our heart of hearts, we secretly believe that we can change; it’s only other people who can’t. In reality, they feel the same about you, and so a system of mutual discouragement is set up. In short order, anyone who stands up and says “we need to change” is bucking the status quo. And anyone who breaks away and actually does change is viewed with suspicion, or with outright hostility.
From your soul’s perspective, however, none of this is real. It’s obvious that people constantly change. We hunger for news; we inflame daily life into crises, large and small. Our moods shift, as does every cell in our bodies. To say that people don’t change is arbitrary, a point of view that seems safe. It’s a form of resignation, of giving in to the inevitable. You must stop reinforcing the power of no if you want to reach your soul.
See yourself as changing all the time.
Encourage change in others.
When you hear yourself uttering a fixed opinion, stop.
When someone offers a counter-opinion, don’t resist.
Argue from the opposite side every once in a while.
Don’t stamp out the fragile beginnings of change, either in yourself or in others.
Stop being absolute. Let your attitude be more flexible and provisional.
Don’t take pride in being right.
When you have an impulse to grow and evolve, follow it without regard for the opinions of others.
Negative Belief #2: Habits keep us trapped. Everyone knows what it means to be caught up in habitual behavior. Life’s everyday struggle is dominated by our inability to think and behave in a new way. Habits keep married couples locked in the same argument for years. It makes us plop down on the couch rather than work for change. It reinforces bad diets and lack of exercise. In general, habit makes inertia easier than change. Here the force of no is fairly obvious—or is it? If you look at it without negative judgments, a habit is nothing more than a useful shortcut, an automatic pathway imprinted in the brain. A skilled pianist has imprinted the habit of moving his fingers a certain way; he wouldn’t want to reinvent his technique every time he sat down at the keyboard. A short-order cook who can turn out six omelets at a time relies on the fact that his brain is imprinted with a set of automatic motions precisely timed.
From your soul’s perspective, a habit is just a choice that is ingrained for practical purposes. There’s no issue of good and bad, right or wrong. You always have the choice to erase the imprint and create a new one. A pianist who takes up the violin isn’t hampered by the imprinted way his fingers used to move. A short-order cook who goes home to make one omelet instead of six isn’t compelled to work at lightning speed. What keeps us trapped is the spell of no. In the grip of that spell, we find reasons to keep being stuck in habitual thinking and behaviors when they no longer serve us. We voluntarily renounce the power to change, while at the same time blaming our bad habits, as if they had an independent will (currently it’s fashionable to blame the brain, as if its imprints are permanent and all-powerful). To break out of any habit, you need to reclaim your power to choose.
Don’t fight against a bad habit. Look at it objectively, as if another person had the habit.
Ask yourself why you have chosen your habit.
Examine what benefit you are getting, usually at a hidden level.
Be honest about your choice. Instead of saying, “This is just how I am,” admit that you have chosen inertia over change because change frightens or threatens you.
If you feel victimized by a bad habit, ask yourself why you need to be a victim. Is it an easy way to keep from taking responsibility?
Find a reason to adopt a good habit in place of the bad one; make your reason convincing, and keep repeating it to yourself whenever the old habit arises.
Your aim is to break the spell that says you have no choices. You always have choices.
Negative Belief #3: Obsessive thoughts are in control. Most people don’t think they are obsessive. They identify obsessions with mental disorders, when in fact an obsessive-compulsive disorder is just an extreme variation on a universal condition. Obsessions are yet another way that the power of no removes your ability to choose. At any given moment you might obsess about keeping safe, avoiding germs, getting angry in traffic, spending money, disciplining your children, defeating terrorism—the possibilities are endless and ever-changing. You can’t assume that a thought becomes an obsession only if it’s immoral, wrong, or irrational. One can obsess about things that society approves of and rewards. We all know people who obsess about winning, or getting back at those who wronged them, or money, or ambition. By definition, an obsessive thought is one that’s stronger than you are. That’s where the power of no does its damage.
From the soul’s perspective, thinking is an expression of freedom. The mind isn’t compelled to prefer one thought over another. Much less is the mind a machine programmed to repeat the s
ame message over and over. What keeps us trapped in repetition is the belief that “I must think this way.” Other alternatives are closed off by fear, prejudice, self-interest, and guilt. To break out of obsessive thinking, you must examine this deeper level where “I must” holds sway.
Don’t struggle against thoughts that keep repeating themselves.
When people tell you that you keep doing the same thing, believe them.
Don’t accept that always winning, always being out for number one, or always doing anything is productive.
Don’t pride yourself on consistency for consistency’s sake.
If you feel trapped by an obsession, ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Repetition is a mask for anxiety.
Stop rationalizing. Put your attention on how your thoughts feel, not on what they say.
Be honest about the frustration you feel with having the same idea over and over.
Don’t defend your prejudices.
Take active steps to reduce stress, which is a major cause of obsessions. Under stress, the mind keeps repeating the same thing because it isn’t relaxed or open enough to find an alternative.
Through meditation, seek the level of your mind that isn’t obsessed, that has no fixed ideas.
Negative Belief #4: Cravings can never be appeased. When cravings keep returning, they force you either to give in or resist (the futility of this struggle was touched on earlier). The power of no insists that you have no other alternative. Once again, a repetitive pattern imprinted in the brain overrides free choice. Your craving takes on a life of its own, and if taken to extremes, it becomes an addiction. The difference has to do with just how limited you become. Someone who craves chocolate can’t resist eating some, but if addicted, they would eat nothing else. Even in its milder forms, however, craving can make you feel that you have no other choice.
From your soul’s perspective, a craving is another example of a shortcut imprinted in the brain. The person who always eats chocolate has made an implicit choice that chocolate is the best kind of sweet, and therefore, instead of his being bothered every time to consider a variety of sweets, he chooses chocolate automatically. But setting your mind on autopilot doesn’t mean that you can’t change it. The option to reset your reactions always exists. Under the spell of no, you willingly gave up that option, but anything you give up you can also reclaim.
When a craving arises, don’t make it an either/or choice.
Instead of either giving in or resisting, do one of the following: walk away, postpone your choice, find a distraction, pause and watch yourself, or substitute another pleasure.
Don’t think of defeating your craving. Think instead that you are gradually erasing an imprint.
When you feel discouraged for giving in, be with your feelings instead of pushing them away.
Realize why appeasing a craving never works: you can never get enough of what you didn’t want in the first place.
Find out what you really want, whether it’s love, comfort, approval, or security. These are the basic needs that cravings try to substitute for.
Pursue your real need. If you do, the craving will automatically lose its grip and in time will vanish.
If for any reason you can turn away from your old craving, seize that moment, even if your craving soon returns. Every small victory imprints the brain in a new pattern. Don’t see this as a temporary victory—see it as a sign that you can find the switch that turns your craving off.
Negative Belief #5: Fear keeps you from being free. The power of no uses fear as its enforcer. Like a hired gun, it holds a threat that is merciless and indifferent. Under the spell of no, the mind finds any and every reason to be afraid. The simplest things become objects of anxiety. The most unlikely risks loom as dangers that can befall you at any moment. When you find yourself in a defensive posture, you have denied yourself the most basic freedom, which is to be safe in the world. It’s not the external threat that creates this situation. We project our fixed beliefs onto every situation, so feeling safe or unsafe becomes a personal decision.
From the soul’s perspective, you are always safe. The universe cherishes your existence. Nature is designed to uphold your well-being. If you find yourself under threat, it can be quite realistic to assess the danger and escape it. But if you are paralyzed by anxiety, the threat becomes inescapable. Someone with a fear of heights, for example, finds it impossible to climb a stepladder. The danger of falling doesn’t prevent other people from climbing the ladder, because they are free to assess that the risk is small. But a phobia takes away the freedom to assess danger realistically; fear acquires absolute power, the power of no. To get beyond a phobia, you must call its bluff and reassert that you are safe.
Don’t fight your fears when you are actually afraid.
When you feel calm and safe, call your fear to mind so that it can be examined.
Fear is convincing, but that doesn’t make it right. Make sure you see this distinction.
Anxiety tends to obsess about reasons to be afraid, stoking its own fire. Don’t be fooled by repetition. A situation doesn’t become more dangerous just because you keep thinking it is.
Separate the energy of fear from the content of your experience. Instead of worrying about the thing that makes you anxious, go directly to the feeling of anxiety and move the energy as you would any other, through physical release, toning, meditation, and other techniques.
Realize that you are not basically afraid. Fear is a passing emotion that can be released.
Know that you have a choice to either hold on to fear or let it go. If you feel anxious, take immediate steps to let go. Don’t dwell on fear or try to reason with it.
Avoid blaming yourself. Fear is universal. It is felt by the bravest, strongest people. To be afraid doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you haven’t yet let go.
Be patient with yourself. Fear and anxiety are the biggest obstacles for everyone. Be thankful and congratulate yourself every time you overcome fear.
Don’t consider it a defeat if fear returns. The time will soon come when you can sit calmly and move the energy of fear. Ultimately you are the one in control.
Negative Belief #6: “Bad” thoughts are forbidden and dangerous. People expend a lot of subtle energy in pushing down thoughts they don’t want to face. Denial and repression seem appealing as short-term solutions. What you don’t think about may go away. But there’s a sticky quality to bad thoughts—which are any thoughts that make you feel guilty, ashamed, humiliated, or distressed. And denial only makes the pain worse over time. Delay also makes it harder to release old, stuck energies when you finally decide that they must be confronted.
If you choose to push bad thoughts out of sight, that’s your decision. The danger comes when you begin to believe that certain thoughts are forbidden as if by a law of outside force. When that happens, the power of no has convinced you that your own mind is your enemy. Many people, including trained psychotherapists, are threatened by the “shadow,” a name given to the forbidden zone of the mind where dangerous urges lurk. Under the spell of no, you fear your shadow and believe that you should never go near it.
From the soul’s perspective, the mind has no boundaries. If you feel that it is forbidden to look at your rage, fear, jealousy, desperation, and feelings of vengeance, you are resorting to a false sense of self. Specifically, you are dividing yourself into good and bad impulses. The paradox is that your good side can never ultimately win, because the bad side will constantly fight to be released. An inner struggle ensues. You wind up living in a state of underground warfare. Instead of trying to be good all the time, try to win your freedom. When the mind is free, thoughts come and go spontaneously. Whether good or bad, you don’t hold on to them. As long as the mind is allowed to flow, no thought is dangerous, and therefore nothing is forbidden.
See the difference between having a “bad” thought and acting on it.
Don’t identify with your thoughts. They aren’t you; they are
passing events in the mind.
Resist the urge to demonize. Judgment makes illicit impulses stick around.
Learn the value of acceptance.
Don’t condemn others for their thoughts.
Don’t set up a false ideal of yourself. See clearly that every kind of thought, mood, and sensation exists in your makeup.
Celebrate the diversity of your mind. A mind that is free to think any way it wants should be appreciated, not suppressed.
If you were taught that God will hate you for sinful thoughts, try to detach yourself from this perspective. Holding a judgmental God responsible for your own self-judgment is a delusion.
Don’t fixate on being right all the time. Being right is just a disguise for making other people wrong. In the shadows, you secretly fear that something is wrong with you, which is why you fight so hard to appear infallible—you think it makes you good.
When you are tempted to control your mind, stand back and realize that the task is impossible to begin with. Even the most disciplined mind has a way of breaking out of its chains.