Survivor
Chapter 11—Ella
Survivor: to continue to function or prosper
The room was small but clean, and the hotel had been recently built, so it didn’t feel seedy and dirty. The walls were white and the bed and accent furniture a deep blue that reminded me of Rellik’s eyes. There was a bed in the center with a dresser directly in front of it that held a flat-screen television. I turned it on to have some background noise so it didn’t feel so empty. I hated being alone ever since I was little.
On the far side was a small desk and chair that shared a wall with the bathroom. On top of the desk was a black duffel bag. I stepped inside the bathroom and flipped on the light. The walls and floor were covered in tiny one-inch tiles, all different shades of blue. The shower had a thick glass door that made the room appear larger. A sink that looked like a glass bowl on a beautiful, reclaimed wood table sat to the right next to the toilet. It was modern and streamlined, and I was dying to take a hot shower and wash away the stress of the day. I looked up at the mirror and took in my dark circles under my eyes. My hair desperately needed a trim, and a few hours in the sun would do my skin some good.
I turned on the shower, giving it time to get warm as I took off my clothes and tossed them in a pile by the sink. I grabbed the soap bar from the shelf and ripped open the plastic wrapping. Rubbing it between my wet hands, I glanced down at the fading scars on my torso and thighs. I tried not to think about how they had gotten there. I wore them as a badge of honor because each mark was another tally in the list of things I’d survived.
* *
“Stop pretending you don’t like me.” He took a long drink from a beer bottle and sat it on the bathroom sink. I covered myself, trying to hide behind the spray of the shower to obscure his view.
“Get out of here.”
“Make me.”
“You don’t scare me!” I knew my lip was quivering, and I took a step back as he grabbed a razor from the sink, a sadistic smirk on his face.
“You look scared, Mikaella.” He stepped toward me as I slipped, falling in the tub. Laughing, he bent down over me and ran the blade against my upper thigh, leaving behind a one-inch gash. I screamed as the pain seared through me, but there was no one else home, no one to come save me.
“I love it when you scream.” He grabbed himself over his jeans as I pushed myself to my feet, refusing to let him have his way.
“I’ll tell them! I don’t care if they send me back!”
“Tell them what? That you cut yourself shaving? Maybe they’ll send you to a psych ward. Does that sound fun?” He grabbed my wrist with so much force, it felt like the bones would crumble beneath my bruised flesh.
“When my father finds me, he is going to kill you,” I seethed.
“Oh, that’s cute. You think your real parents are going to come for you? Why don’t we have a little more fun until they arrive?”
* *
Stepping under the spray, I closed my eyes and cleaned myself as quickly as possible, a habit I had developed over the last few years. The flesh over my right hip was tender from the alley fight, and I exhaled through clenched teeth as I rubbed over it again and again until the pain no longer caused me to wince. They couldn’t hurt me anymore. No one could hurt me.
I quickly lathered up my hair with the complementary mini shampoo bottle and rinsed away the smell of sweat and stale beer. I splayed my fingers out in front of me and watched my hand tremor. It had been years since I had slept without the aid of medicine, and tonight was going to be brutal.
I grabbed the small, rough, white towel that hung just outside the shower door and tried to wrap my body, but even with my small frame, I was unable to get it around me. I padded out into the bedroom, leaving wet footprints behind me, and glanced around the room. I couldn’t put my dirty clothes back on until I washed them, and they would be uncomfortable to sleep in.
I glanced over at the door as I slowly unzipped the duffel bag. It was full of men’s clothing, a journal, and a few odds and ends. I grabbed a gray Doors T-shirt and a pair of gray boxers that would pass as shorts while I looked for the Laundromat in the hotel. I pulled the clothes on quickly, and a small folded piece of notebook paper caught my eye. I pulled it out of the bag and unfolded it. It had a phone number with no name. I stuck it back inside the bag and grabbed a blue bottle of cologne, Polo Sport. Pulling off the silver lid, I sniffed it before spritzing some of it on the T-shirt and dropping it back inside. Under the clothing was an old notebook. I glanced to the door as I pulled it out and flipped it open to a random page. Random lyrics were scribbled across the pages in different-colored ink. Some looked much newer than others.
Dark and dirty, your secrets untold
You should have been mine to have and to hold
Blood on my hands, emptiness in my heart
Time came too soon for death do us part
I shoved the notebook back under the clothing as I thought over the lyrics. Zipping the bag closed, I pulled the collar of the shirt to my nose and breathed in the scent again. It was masculine and clean, and I could have bathed in that scent. I rounded the bed and wrung my hands together as I looked at the hotel phone.
I gripped the receiver and took a deep breath as I lifted it from its base and dialed the only phone number I still had committed to memory. After three rings a deep voice answered.
“Hello?” With that one word, my heart sank, and my stomach twisted in pain. He spoke again, but it was the female’s voice in the background that caught my attention. I wrapped the cord around my finger but didn’t respond. “Mikaella,” he whispered into the receiver.
I swallowed hard at hearing my full name for the first time in as long as I could remember.
“Is that you? Tell me where you are.”
I hung up the phone as tears fell free from my lashes.
I hurried to the bathroom and grabbed my dirty clothes and a key card from the small envelope on the stand. I scribbled out a note for Rellik and left it on the desk, even though it would probably be hours until he came back.
I slipped my feet into my sneakers, stepping on the backs as I shuffled down the front of the building to a lit alcove between the rooms. An ice machine and several snack machines sat to my right, with a laundry room and small indoor pool to my left.
One older woman in a sweat suit was doing laundry. She smiled as I walked by her and slipped my clothes into the machine.
“Shit,” I groaned as I noticed the coin slot.
“You need some help?”
“I forgot my purse. My boyfriend ran to the store, and I left it in the car.” It was better than the awkward truth that I was staying in a stranger’s room.
“Here.” She dug through her bag and pulled out several quarters.
“Thank you so much.” I stuck them in the slot and glanced over at her machine as I chewed my lip.
“I guess you need soap too?”
I nodded, feeling like a complete jerk, but she just smiled and held out her small sample-size bottle to share.
“Thank you so much. That’s incredibly kind of you.”
I used what I needed and started the small load as we fell silent, Rellik’s singing playing over and over in my head. You could tell he felt every single lyric, and I wondered what could have happened to him.
By the time my laundry was washed and dried, I was exhausted and ready to curl up in bed.
Self-Preservation
Chapter 12—Rellik
Self-Preservation: an instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one’s own existence
I had grown tired of Phantom’s glares as some emaciated redhead with fake tits ground her bony ass against me to the beat of “Sail” playing in the background. The guys didn’t know I had Ella back in my room, and I was happy to keep it a secret, but I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there and make sure she was okay. I drained what was left in my glass of Jameson and tried to pretend I was interested in the woman in front of me
. I closed my eyes, and the room began to spin.
“I have to call it a night.” I smacked the girl’s ass, and she jumped from my lap.
“What’s the rush?”
I groaned as I stood, rolling my neck from side to side before responding to Phantom. “It’s three in the fucking morning, and I have to visit family tomorrow.”
He nodded and took a drink from his bottle of Budweiser. “I’ll catch a ride.”
“I’ll ride you, baby.” The redhead sauntered seductively across the room to Phantom.
I stumble-stepped out of the door and down the long winding hallways until I found the exit into the humid morning air. The oppressive wall of humidity turned my stomach.
I blared 3 Doors Down as I made my way toward the hotel, becoming more alert the closer I got. I parked directly in front of my room.
I slid the key card into the hotel door and opened it slowly. The light was off, but the television was still on and turned down low. Ella was in the bed, her dark hair splayed across the white pillow. She was wearing one of my vintage band T-shirts and a pair of boxers. I could smell my cologne in the air.
My eyes danced down her long legs to a small dream catcher tattoo on her ankle.
I stumbled across the room and slipped into the bathroom, my hand pressed against the wall for balance. Taking off my T-shirt, I glanced at the mirror over the sink at the slight swelling of my lower lip. I slid my jeans and boxers down over my hips as I kicked off my shoes. I caught myself on the doorframe as I began to lose my balance.
I kicked my clothing to the side and took a quick shower to wash the sweat from my body as I thought over the day. I was exhausted and needed to sleep, but the hotel had no rooms available because of a convention in town this weekend. I should have told Ella that before, but I was afraid she wouldn’t stay, and I didn’t know what would happen to her.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and quietly made my way to my duffel bag. I glanced over to the bed where Ella lay unmoving. I unzipped my duffel bag and pulled out a pair of basketball shorts. I dropped the towel and tugged them on as my eyes continued to drift over her as she lay on her side. She was here and she was safe. I should have gone back to the bar. But she rolled over, whimpering as her eyes blinked open. I froze, suspended between memories and reality.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I came to check on you, and my stuff was in here.” The lies rolled easier off my tongue than the truth. When you spent as much time as I did concealing your true self, it took no effort.
“No, it’s fine.” She sat up and pushed her hair from her face as she yawned. “How was the party?”
“Boring.” I tried not to stare at her legs as she stretched, rolling my neck from side to side. “So, you wanna talk about what happened earlier…with that guy?”
She shook her head as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “I really don’t know where he came from. I went home to change between shifts, and he was just there…waiting.”
“What are you going to do once we leave? You can’t really be sleeping on the streets or hanging out in dark alleys.”
“I met you in a dark alley, and you’re not so bad.” She shrugged, and I laughed sardonically. I was a curse, a black cloud. It was a sleight of hand. I hadn’t saved her, just lured her into my own web. She wanted to feel like she could trust me and all of this was on her terms, but I didn’t even trust myself.
“Maybe he wasn’t the one you needed to watch out for.” Subtle truths slipped through, veiled in sarcasm. It was the only warning she would get. I wasn’t strong enough to walk away.
“I’ll take my chances.” She stretched her arms over her head as she yawned, bowing her back forward. I couldn’t help but notice her small breasts pressed against the thin fabric of my shirt. I wished I had chosen something that would conceal a hard-on better than these shorts. “I was trying to save up to go back home, but now I will have to start all over.” She pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging herself.
“Where’s home?”
“Technically here, but I don’t really remember much of it. I left when I was little. My grandmother used to live in Jacksonville before she passed. I’ve always wanted to go back and buy her place just in case.” She sighed as she rested her cheek on her knees.
“Just in case what?” My chest tightened as I thought about the memories I’d left behind and how hard it was to come back. I didn’t like how personal things turned with her.
“It’s silly.” She waved her hand as if to dismiss the conversation, but I knew there was something deep lurking below the calm surface, and I wanted to know more.
“What happened after your grandma died?”
“That’s a few years I’d like to forget. So what about you? Are all of you from here?”
“Just me.”
“How did you guys meet?”
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose at the onslaught of memories. “It’s really late.” Liquor was still pumping through my veins, and if I didn’t end this conversation, I would end up saying more than I wanted.
“Oh.” Ella pulled her lip between her teeth as she looked up at me quizzically, biting back whatever question was plaguing her.
“What?”
“What’s your real name? It’s kind of weird I’m sleeping in your bed and don’t even know who you really are.”
“Many women have slept in my bed without knowing who I really am. You don’t want to know, and you don’t need to know.” I cursed myself in my head. I’d just reduced Ella to a notch in a fucking headboard.
“Fair enough.” If I’d offended her, she didn’t let it show. She pushed from the bed and stood in front of me, stretching again. My shirt she wore rode above the waist of the boxers, which she had rolled down to sit low on her hips. There was something incredibly sexy about seeing her crawl out of my bed in my clothes.
“Are you hungry, or do you need anything?” I tried to keep my eyes on hers, but my gaze traveled down her chest as I grew hard. The air around us began to change, and it was suddenly very apparent that we were locked alone in a bedroom. My self-control only went so far. I wasn’t that love-sick little boy anymore. My scars ran much deeper than anyone had seen.
“I could use something to drink,” she said.
“Trigger has a few bottles. His room is upstairs. I could grab something. What’s your poison?”
Her lust-filled eyes traveled up my naked torso and locked on to mine before glancing to my mouth as she took a step closer to me, her fingers touching the bracelet Katie had made me. Poison. That’s exactly what I was to a girl like her, like Katie, the first and last girl that I had kissed. It was a move I couldn’t counter. I had to walk away. I didn’t want to use Ella like all the other women in my life.
“I should go.” My voice trailed off as I rubbed my palm across my jaw and turned away from her so I wouldn’t be tempted to act on my impulses. “Before he falls asleep.” My tone was harsher than I intended, but Phantom’s concerns replayed in my head. He wasn’t worried for me. He was worried about Ella, and I should be too. As strong as she pretended she was, she had no sense of self-preservation. Her pride clouded her judgment, much like in the alleyway. She would have died fighting that prick before she screamed for help. I dug through my bag for a T-shirt as I talked myself into walking away.
“I don’t want alcohol.” Ella put her hand on my shoulder, and I turned around to face her. Her eyebrows were drawn together in rejection. I wanted so desperately to kiss away the worries that marred her perfect face. I wanted to slip into the fantasy of the past that haunted me, but I knew it was something I’d never recover from.
“I know what you want. I can’t give it to you.” I walked around her and out the door before she could respond. The night air was muggy as I sank down into a crouching position with my hands together. She wasn’t Katie. I needed to get that through my head so it is easier to walk away when we left town. What happened to her a
fter that wasn’t my problem. I wasn’t going to be able to protect her, and she didn’t want me to. Worrying myself over that wasn’t doing me any favors. Fucking her would be a big mistake, even if it was all I wanted to do.
The door opened behind me, and Ella slipped out. Dressed in her own clothing, her arms were around herself as she stepped off the curb and began walking across the parking lot. She was leaving, like I’d hoped, and it set my mind into a panic.
“Where are you going?” I called after her, but she kept walking. “Ella?” I stood as she made her way through the rows of cars, desperately trying to talk myself out of following her. “Fuck.” I walked after her, the gravel biting into the soles of my feet.
I had to jog to catch up with her before she reached the road. Grabbing her arm, I stopped her and turned her to face me. Her voice was strained as she began to ramble.
“I made a mistake coming here. I’m sorry I screwed up your night. I appreciate your help, but I’m not your problem. Just let me go before I humiliate myself any further.” She tugged against my grip, but I tightened it so she wouldn’t leave.
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. That wasn’t my intention.” My eyes searched hers before I took a deep breath, sinking deeper into the lies that now clouded my reality. “I’ve been through a lot. I’ve…done a lot of things that I’m not proud of.”
“We all have regrets.”
“I don’t regret anything.” I shook my head, the muscles in my jaw flexing as I clenched my teeth. “I’m not your fucking hero, Ella. I’m no better than that asshole who attacked you,” I snapped, hating the animal I had become. Doing the right thing wasn’t something I was accustomed to. I was trying desperately not to slip back into the past, but I only had so much strength. I was far weaker than I let on.
“Maybe I don’t want you to be my hero.” Her words were challenging, and her eyes narrowed as she brushed her long hair from her face angrily. My dick responded to the subtle gesture. I’d wanted to run my fingers through her hair all night. I fought the urge to slam her up against one of these cars and show her exactly what she was asking from me. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe I just wanted to forget everything for five goddamn minutes. But you’ve reminded me of exactly who I am.”