Lisl felt her throat constrict at the memory. God, it still hurt. After all this time, it still hurt.
Lisl filed for divorce. This seemed to infuriate Brian. Apparently he had wanted to be the one to do the dumping. Lisl's lawyer told her that he was probably terrified, too, because of a recent legal precedent in which a wife who had supported her husband through medical school could demand a share of the future proceeds he reaped from that diploma.
Lisl wanted no part of that. She only wanted out. And she had gotten out.
But Brian made sure he had the last word.
When all was said and done, when all the papers had been signed and notarized, Brian had caught up to her as she'd fled the attorney's office.
"I never loved you," he said, then walked away.
No amount of physical abuse, no tirade of vituperation, no stream of curses, no matter how long, how loud, how vile could have hurt Lisl nearly as much as those four whispered words. Although she had said nothing and had walked coolly and calmly to her car, inside she'd been shattered, completely, utterly.
I never loved you .
The words had been echoing down the empty hallways of her life ever since.
Even now she felt her knees wobble with the hurt. And the worst part was that he was still around. He lived on the other side of town and was now on staff as an orthopedist at the county medical center.
Shaking off the memory, Lisl searched deep in her closet for something to wear, but stopped when she came across a familiar-looking shoe box. She lifted the lid and found her old shell collection from childhood. She smiled at the memory of how she'd once wanted to be a marine biologist.
Shells. All through her life she'd assigned shells to the people in her life. She picked up a beautiful brown-striped chambered nautilus. This was Willbig, mysterious, hiding who-knew-what in all those inner chambers; and secretive, withdrawing and snapping his lid shut whenever anyone got too close. The razor clam was Ev, thin, sharp-edged, smooth-surfaced, unadorned, what you saw was what you got. And here was Brian, a starfish, gentle and appealing on the surface, but it survived by trapping a mollusk with its arms, boring through its shell, and sucking out the soft parts inside, leaving an empty husk.
Like me , Lisl thought, picking up a chowder clam shellcommon, uncollectible, its pale, dull surface windowed by a starfish burr hole. Me .
She lidded the box and continued her search for something to wear. She wound up squeezed into a pair of cream-colored slacks topped with an oversize lightweight sweater. She felt like a sausage from the waist down but it would have to do. A little makeup, five minutes with the curling iron, and she was set. All she had to do was get through the evening without splitting a seam.
Someday soon she was going to do something about these extra pounds.
* * *
Lisl noticed him as soon as she walked through the front door. She'd never seen him before. Young, not tallno more than five feet ten, she guessedand very slim. Hardly prepossessing physically, yet he was the first man she noticed. His movements were smooth, relaxed, and graceful. With his neat mustache, Latin coloring accentuated by the perfectly pressed white slacks and shirt that fit as if they'd been made just for himand perhaps they hadhe stood out in the crowd of paunchy, shaggy, patch-sleeved academics like a prince among peasants. This young man had style.
He was handing drinks to a pair of faculty wives who were blatantly gushing over him. As he turned from them, his eyes brushed past her, then returned. He smiled and gave her a tiny bow. Unaccountably, Lisl blushed, pleased that he had picked her out for a personal welcome.
Probably does that to every woman who comes through the door, she thought as he turned away to speak to someone.
Lisl sidled through the press of guests in the living room, nodding, smiling, saying hello to the faces she recognized. Her immediate goal was the bara card table laden with beer, jug wine, soda, mixers, and a few bottles of hard liquor. Lisl didn't drink much, but a half-filled glass in her hand made her look and even feel like someone who belonged.
As she moved, she noticed from the corner of her eye that the stylish young unknown seemed to be watching her. Who was he? Somebody's son?
At the bar she found Calvin Rogers, the host, a portly, jovial sort, an aging Puck who sported a goatee to offset the hair he was losing on top. He held up a glass and smiled.
"Hi! Want a drink?"
Lisl could see by his expression that he knew her face but couldn't quite connect it with a name.
"Sure."
"Wine, beer, or booze?"
"A white wine, please."
"Great!" As he poured from a two-liter bottle of Almaden he said, "House rule: I make you the first; after that you're on your own."
"Fine," Lisl said. "No limit?"
He raised his eyebrows and grinned.
"Oh, it's going to be one of those nights, is it?"
"Not really," Lisl said with a laugh. She hesitated a moment, debating whether she should ask him, then decided to plunge ahead: "Say, I see some new faces here. Some young ones."
"Yeah. I invited a couple of the new graduate students."
"I see," she said, glancing at the dark young man.
"That's Losmara," Rogers said, following her gaze. "Rafael. Bit of a dude, isn't he? But a brilliant mind. Brilliant. Comes out of Arizona State, which isn't exactly a heavy hitter in psychology, but he sent this proposal for a paper outlining a cybernetic model for schizophrenia that just blew me away. I knew right then this was a guy who was going somewhere. And wherever he was going, I wanted him to come from here. I couldn't offer him moneyI understand his family's half as rich as Croesusso I played coy and conned him into choosing Darnell for his doctorate. Figured he might teach the rest of us something before he's through. I invited him and the other grads tonight, figuring they won't drink much and it'll make them feel more at home with the department."
"That's nice of you."
He smiled and handed her the glass of wine. "I'm a nice guy. Or so they tell me."
Lisl wandered the cramped living room-dining room area, looking for someone she knew. She avoided the bookshelves, figuring she'd have plenty of time to inspect them later. One full circuit and she found herself standing alone by the sliding glass door that opened onto the backyard.
This wasn't working. She felt more out of place than usual here because there wasn't a single other person from her own department. She looked around and envied all these people with the knack for conversation. Nobody else seemed to be having problems. They all made it look so easy. Why couldn't she just stop by a group, listen in for a while, and then join the conversation?
Because I can't.
She stepped out onto the small flagstone patio. After examining what few of/Hal's roses hadn't been eaten by beetles, she turned to go back.inside.
And found the dark young man next to her.
"Hello," he said. His voice was velvet, deep but soft, melodious. His teeth were so white under the dark mustache, his eyes almost luminous in the dark. "I hear you're from math."
So simple. So perfect.
Small talk. Rafethat was how he introduced himselfseemed to be a natural at it. Relaxed, exuding self-confidence, he gave her the feeling that no subject could be inconsequential if he was discussing it. They stood side by side for a while, then moved to the redwood bench by the picnic table. Rafe had a lot of questions about campus life at Darnell, especially as it related to graduate students. Lisl had a good store of knowledge on the subject because she'd earned her own doctorate here.
He listened. Really listened . Whatever Lisl had to say, her insights, her opinions, all seemed important to him. A part of her was on edge, ready for the brush-off, waiting for him to smile, excuse himself, and move on after he'd learned what he wanted to know. But Rafe stayed by her side, asking more questions, drawing her out, freshening her wine when he replenished his own bourbon and water. He left her from time to time, but only briefly.
Although he
was much too young for herhe was twenty-three, topsLisl found him stimulating. He exuded a maleness, almost like a scent, a pheromone. Whatever it was, she knew she was responding to it. This would never go anywhere, but it was exciting to be with him. He was making the party for her.
Throughout the evening she noticed inquisitive glances from other women as they passed in and out through the patio door. She could almost read their minds: What was the most interesting-looking man at the party doing with that frump who's got to be a good ten years his senior?
Good question.
Idly, she sorted through the pretzels in the bowl between them on the picnic table, and picked out one to eat.
"Do you always do that?" Rafe said. His gaze was flicking back and forth between the pretzel in her hand and her eyes.
"Do what?"
"Take the broken ones."
Lisl looked at the pretzel in her hand. Half a pretzel. A loop and a half. She vaguely remembered picking out broken ones all evening. She always picked out the broken ones.
"I guess I do. Is that significant?"
He smiled. A warm smile, showing off those white, even teeth.
"Could be. What matters is why."
"I guess I don't want to see them go to waste. Everybody grabs the whole ones and leaves the broken ones. They're like old maids. When the night's over they'll probably get thrown away. So those are the ones I take."
"In other words, you're existing on other people's leftovers."
"I wouldn't call it existing"
"Neither would I." Rafe pulled an unbroken three-ring from the bowl and offered it to her. His voice was suddenly serious. " Never be satisfied with leftovers."
Intrigued and fascinated by his intensity, Lisl took the pretzel and laughed. A bit too shrilly, she thought.
"It's just a pretzel."
"No. It's a decision, a statement. A paradigm of life, and how one chooses to live it."
"I think you're reading too much into this." He was, after all, a psych grad. "Life is a little more complex than a bowl of pretzels."
"Of course it is. It's a bowl of choices. A series of choices you make from moment to moment from the time you are volitional until you die. Each choice you make mirrors what you are inside. They say where you've been, they tell where you're going."
His intensity was just a tiny bit intimidating, yet exciting, stirring something within her.
"Okay," she said, not wanting to argue yet unwilling to let him get off without a qualifier. "But pretzels ?"
Rafe picked another whole three-ring from the bowl and took a savage bite out of it.
"Pretzels."
Laughing, Lisl took a big bite of her own.
Yes. One very intense young man.
Too soon the crowd began to thin. People were leaving so early. This had to be the shortest party Lisl had ever been to. She glanced at her watch and was shocked to see 1:06 on its face.
Impossible. She'd just got here. But a check with the mantel clock inside confirmed it.
"I guess I'd better be going," she told Rafe.
"I'm sorry for monopolizing all your time," he said.
Monopolizing her timethat was a laugh.
"Don't wqrry. You didn't."
"You haye a ride?" he said, his eyes holding hers.
"Yes." For an instant she wished she didn't. But as much as she wanted to continue their party-long conversation, driving off with him would look like she'd been picked up, and that would be all over the math department before she arrived Monday morning.
"Good," he said, "because I feel obligated to give Dr. Rogers a hand cleaning up."
"Of course."
Lisl had difficulty picturing Rafe Losmara, dressed all in white as he was, emptying ashtrays and rinsing glasses. But the fact that he was cheerfully willing to pitch in said something about him.
He walked her to the front door where he took her hand as if to shake it, but did not let go.
"This would have been a pretty dreary affair without you," he said.
Lisl smiled. Took the words right out of my mouth .
"You really think so?" she said.
"I know so. Can I call you sometime?"
"Sure." Sure you will .
"Great. Talk to you soon."
Right.
Lisl did not expect to hear from him again. Not that it would really matter, anyway. A nice evening. No, more than nicethe most interesting, stimulating evening she'd had in longer than she cared to compute. A shame it had to end, but that was that. Rafe, that fascinating grad student, had seemed genuinely interested in her. Her . And she'd held up her end of the conversation effortlessly. Such a good feeling. But it was over. Take it for what it was worth and go on from here. She was glad she'd decided to come. If nothing else, this evening had bolstered her resolution to become more socially active.
Party-hearty Lisl that'll be me .
Back in her apartment, Lisl groaned with relief as she released herself from her slacks and readied for bed. She reached for the amber, safety-topped bottle of Restoril, then stopped. She didn't want a sleeping pill tonight. She preferred the idea of lying awake for a while and savoring memories of the evening.
The phone rang as she slipped under the covers.
"Hi. It's me," said a soft voice.
Lisl recognized it immediately. She wondered at the rush of warmth that surged through her.
"Hello, Rafe."
"I escaped Dr. Rogers's place and got home, but Fm'still kind of wired. Feel like talking?"
Yeah, she did. She felt like talking all night. Which they damn near did.
Before hanging up, he asked her if they could have lunch together tomorrow. Lisl hesitatedshe was faculty, after all, and he was a grad studentbut only for a second. She was feeling more alive tonight than she had in years, and now an opportunity to extend it was being offered to her. Why turn it down?
"Sure," she said. "As long as they don't have bowls of pretzels sitting around."
His laugh was music. "You're on!"
The man in the white shirt and pants hung up the phone and leaned back on the white sofa in the white living room of his condominium townhouse. He smiled and traced letters in the air. His fingertip left trails of depthless black as it moved: L I S L.
"Contact," he said in a voice that was barely a whisper.
He rose and walked to his back door, glided down the pair of steps to his backyard, and stood barefoot in the moist grass. He smiled again as he gazed up at the wheeling constellations in the moonless sky. Then he spread his arms straight out, level with the ground, palms down.
Slowly, he began to rise.
Everett Sanders jerked upright in his bed and stared at the window.
He'd never been a good sleeper and tonight had been just like all the rest: a series of catnaps interspersed with periods of wakefulness. He'd been lying here with just a sheet covering him, tilting on the cusp of a doze, when he thought he saw a face appear at his window.
He rubbed his eyes and looked again. Nothing. The window was empty. Nothing there but the screen, nothing moving but the drapes swaying gracefully in the breeze.
Nothing there at all. But then, how could a face have been there? His apartment was on the third floor.
He lay back and wondered if it had been a dream or an hallucination. He'd hallucinated years ago. He didn't want to go through that again.
Everett Sanders rolled onto his side and searched for sleep. But he remained facing the window, opening his eyes every so often to check if the face was back. Of course it wouldn't be. He knew that. But it had seemed so real. So real
Will Ryerson awoke sweating. At first he thought it might be another of his nightmares, but he couldn't remember dreaming. As he lay there in the dark he had a strange, uneasy sensation, as if he were being watched. He got up and went to the window, but there was no one outside. No movement. No sound except the crickets.
Yet the sensation persisted.
Slipping into an old pair
of loafers, Will grabbed a flashlight, turned on the yard lights, and went out to the front yard. He stood there in his undershirt and Jockeys and trained the flashlight beam into the dark recesses of the tree-lined lot. Somebody was out there. He was sure of it.
Why? Why would someone be watching him? He was sure no one knew about him. If someone did, they'd surely turn him in. So who was out there?
He sighed. Maybe no one after all. Maybe just his paranoia getting the best of him. But why tonight? Why now, after all these years?
The phone call. That had to be it. In the three days since it had happened, his subconscious must have gone into overdrive. He was beginning to feel the effects tonight.
As he turned to go back inside, he glanced up and froze.
Far above him, a white cross floated against the stars.
It was moving, drifting toward the south. As Will squinted upward, it appeared less like a cross and more like a mana man all in white, floating in midair with his arms spread.
Will felt his saliva dry up as his palms began to sweat. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. A nightmare this was the nightmare. But after his real-life nightmare experience in New York five years ago, he knew that the rules of reason and sanity were not constant. Sometimes they broke down. And then anything could happen.
Far above, the man cross-drifted over the trees and was gone from sight.
Trembling with dread, Will hurried back inside the house.
THE BOY at six months
May 19, 1969
Oh, Jimmy what's wrong with you ?