tossed me a look complete with raised eyebrows. I’d simply thrown the paper in the recycler and folded the official letter with mine and Violet’s name on it into the folder under my mattress where I kept my most treasured items.
I’d laid awake that night, safe and secure in my own bed. I worried for Blaze. For Jag. For what I’d done—or was about to do—to both of them.
The next day, Vi and I had met at the lake. She skipped rocks while I gazed across the almost-frozen water. She’d been my best friend for three years, and the silence felt natural and comfortable.
“My dad called us a smart match,” I’d told her.
“I’ll be sure to tell my mother,” she said, her voice filled with sarcasm. “I don’t think she likes you much, Zenn.” She hid the pain her mother caused behind a bright smile that melted my insides.
I forced myself to smile back, to cover up the shame and pain with a gesture Vi would like. She widened her smile into a grin, and any guilt I had about leaving the Resistance dried up.
Of course, I wasn’t just leaving the Resistance. I’d give up everything for her. I was turning Informant. I will always choose Violet Schoenfeld.
She’d love this house, the excitement of being in a forbidden place, the thrill of sneaking out at night. I promised myself I’d bring her here and we’d watch the sun rise together.
But now, I drew a deep breath and prepared to meet with Jag. Resistance headquarters hid deep in the forest, almost in the heart of the Abandoned Area. Trees grew right up to the front door and clawed through broken slabs of concrete. Inside, a thin layer of dust obscured everything.
I heard people talking in the kitchen, but I bypassed them quickly. Jag sat in his office, his legs crossed, his fingers steepled under his chin.
“Zenn,” he said. All his questions and accusations lived inside my name.
I couldn’t look away from the cold fury burning in his eyes. I’d never been great at lying to him, but I had been an Insider for a couple of years now. I knew how to shut down my emotions. How to clear my face of any indication that I cared. How to say exactly what someone wanted to hear.
I related the mission for Jag. Every detail—except where Director Myers offered me my wildest dreams—just as I had for my dad.
“That’s it,” Jag said. “That’s everything?”
“That’s everything,” I repeated.
He scrutinized me, peeling back layer after layer. I stood my ground in front of him, almost daring him to challenge me again.
He didn’t. Hollow pain lived in his eyes. He blinked, and the anger returned. “Fine. You’re dismissed.”
I turned to leave, thinking this meeting might be one of my last. Part of me mourned that, and another part rejoiced.
“Zenn,” Jag said, quieter this time. “We will meet again soon. I have a feeling your loyalty isn’t as strong as it once was.”
“My loyalty is where it should be,” I replied before crossing the threshold into the hall. It wasn’t entirely a lie.
Winter faded into spring, and spring burst into summer. I’d survived the next meeting with Jag, where he’d trashed me for “defecting.”
I’d tried to tell him so many times. But Jag was the most stubborn person I knew, and he’d interrupt me before I could plead my case. I never got a chance to tell him that I’d only given Director Myers information he already knew. Over the past six months I hadn’t told him a single thing that led him any closer to caging Jag.
But I felt buried alive. Trapped under six feet of solid rock that I couldn’t claw my way through.
Dealing with my dad brought only sadness at what could’ve been. He continued to work for the Resistance. We no longer shared the same secrets. That hurt more than I wanted to admit. So it became easier if I lived inside the four walls of my bedroom.
In March, my fifteenth birthday came and went with the traditional, simple celebration. Vi had climbed through my window after curfew and erased some of the confining feelings for at least a little while. The sound of her voice released the tightening in my chest. The forbidden, whisper-soft touch of her fingers against mine chased away the loneliness for hours. Sharing secrets with Vi almost made up for the ones I’d lost with my dad.
I’d been right about Director Myers. The deal I’d made with him would haunt me for the rest of my life. He didn’t hound me for the non-information I fed him about Jag, but he’d taken to directing the intricacies of my life. He wanted me to apply for the Special Forces, and when I put it off and put it off, his request became a demand.
So this fine morning in June, I finished filling out my application forms for the Forces and sent it off to my counselor. I had no doubt I’d be chosen. I almost welcomed the escape from the confines that had become my house, my life without the Resistance. Without something to live and die for.
I felt caged inside a life with no purpose, with no way out.
I reminded myself that I had Vi, and she was all that mattered. I would tell Director Myers what he wanted to know if it would keep her safe. I would live and die for her. The Forces training would be one year away from her, and then we’d be able to be together.
After sending Myers a message: It’s done, I put my hand in my pocket to feel the birthday gift I’d made for Vi. My stomach flipped when I thought of how she might thank me after she opened it.
Evening couldn’t come fast enough. She’d sneak over after an unsatisfactory dinner with her bitter mother; she always did. Birthdays were hardest on Vi, what with her mother blaming her for things she couldn’t control. I knew how Vi felt. Knew it deeply.
By the time she finally climbed through my window, I’d gone running, completed my homework, and filled out my planner for the following day. Dotted all the I’s and crossed all the T’s. Mr. Perfect living his perfect caged life.
“Hey, beautiful,” I said, itching to reach out and help her up. I didn’t. I wouldn’t break the rules like that with the shades wide open. Once they closed, though, I wouldn’t be able to resist touching her skin-to-skin.
“Hey,” she said, and I knew immediately that something was off.
“Rough day?” I shut the window and lowered the blinds.
“My mom,” she said. She didn’t need to say more.
“Forget about her,” I said, harsher than I meant to. Vi didn’t flinch and she didn’t defend her mother. There was nothing to defend.
“I have something for you.” I couldn’t contain my grin, or the way my muscles tensed when she returned the gesture. The beauty of her face made my head spin. I pulled out the gift and handed it to her. “Happy birthday.”
She took her time peeling off the green paper. Then she stared at it, a mixture of awe and love in her eyes. I wondered if that’s how I looked when I watched her.
“It tells time,” I told her. “I know you can’t wear it in public, and it doesn’t have a fancy GPS or iris recognizer, but well…” I paused, suddenly feeling foolish. “I think it’s real gold.”
“Where did you get it?” she whispered.
“In the Abandoned Area. It wasn’t working, but I fixed it up.” The words tumbled out of my mouth uncensored. “I thought, well, I thought you’d like it. It reminded me of you.”
Broken. But fixable, I thought, but didn’t say.
When she looked up at me, tears skated down her cheeks.
“Hey, don’t cry.” I took a step toward her. I couldn’t stand it when she cried, mostly because I didn’t know how to make her stop.
Without thinking, I reached out and wiped her tears away. Her skin felt dangerous, and because she didn’t flinch away from the forbidden touch, I slid my hands over hers and up her sleeves. I’d always choose to be with Vi this way.
There we stood, in my bedroom, breaking the rules. I didn’t care. I didn’t think. I didn’t waver.
I kissed her.
And finally, I was free.