Page 20
Regret tugs at me, but I ignore it. There are some things we cant change even if we want to.
Trish gets picked up by her parents, sister, and brother. After hearing Erins story, Trishs mom had to take a tissue from her purse so her own makeup wouldnt run. After that, the entire family packed Erin up in their van. I think they might just adopt the silent, tattooed girl. Matt left right afterwards, when his big brother came to give him a lift.
Re-START is officially over. I guess its time for me to figure out where to go next.
One thing is for sure-I need to get far away. This time Chicago is too close. I wasnt joking when I told Maggie I was going to Arizona. Problem is, I have exactly twelve dollars and sixty-three cents to my name. I can work odd jobs, construction day jobs if I can find them, until I can save up enough money to get me out of Illinois.
I swing my duffle over my shoulder, glad I have at least a few bucks to my name. I know of a cheap campground a few miles from here where I can stay a couple of nights while I figure out if there are any temporary jobs I can take to make some quick cash. Ill need at least a few hundred to get me a one-way bus ticket to Arizona.
"Hey, Caleb, wait up!"
I turn to find Lenny jogging to catch up with me. "Miss your bus?" I ask.
"Nah. " He shrugs. "I didnt really have a bus to catch. I was thinking of, you know . . . going with you," he says, as if it was something wed already discussed and agreed to.
Umm . . . I dont think so.
"No, youre not. Go find out where Trish lives and follow her to her house. "
"Are you kidding? The girl hates me. "
"Maybe thats because you didnt wipe your pubes off the toilet. "
I keep walking.
Lenny doesnt get the hint, and Im starting to think hes serious about coming with because he continues to follow me.
"Come on, Caleb. Have a heart. Think of us as Fred and Barney, Ben and Jerry, Thelma and Louise. You know you want to. "
I stop walking and look right at Lenny. "Thelma and Louise died at the end of that chick flick. "
"They died holding hands. Didnt it bring you to tears?"
"No. "
"You still owe me a hug, remember?"
"No, I dont. "
"So youre gonna leave me stranded here? What, afraid Im gonna cramp your style?"
"I dont have a style, Lenny. Go home. You do have a home, dont you?" He doesnt answer. "You told Damon you were going home. "
"I lied. "
Shit. "If you havent figured it out yet, I dont have a house to go to either. Im going to a campground so I can at least have a place to do the four Ss-shit, shower, shave, and sleep. "
"Cool. "
"Theres nothing cool about it. " I can tell Lennys not letting up. Hes like a damn stray dog thats following me. I glance at him. Normally he sports a cocky-ass expression, but not now. Now he looks worried, as if hes afraid Im gonna ditch him and leave him alone.
I keep walking, feeling deja vu. Maggie followed me off campus and look where that got me.
Lenny walks beside me. I dont tell him to back off, because I think the guy is scared to be left alone.
"Thanks, Caleb," he says after a while.
"Just. . . dont piss me off," I tell him.
"I wont. I promise. "
It takes us almost an hour to walk to the Happy Camper Campground. I register and pay the lady in the office for a camping spot that costs me seven dollars a day. It wouldve cost me twenty-two if I required a water spout, but I can just go to the community bathroom for that.
No matter how cheap this place is, Ive got to find some quick cash. Once the Illinois summer is over, winter creeps in fast and furious. Ill freeze my ass off and die if I dont head for Arizona by then.
When its dark and weve bought a couple of hot dogs at the little on-site store, the family at the site next to us gives us a few pieces of their wood and fire starters. Gotta love the generosity of campers.
After Ive washed up in the Happy Camper Campgrounds community bathroom/shower area, I pull out a light blanket I bought when I was living at Rios place.
"Here," I say, handing it to Lenny. "We can switch off days we use it. "
"Im fine," he responds.
I watch as Lenny rolls one of his shirts up to make a pillow, then pulls out a pair of sweats from his duffle and puts it over his face, making a circle in the middle where his mouth is.
"Why the hell are you wearing pants on your head?" I ask. "You look ridiculous. "
"Im not risking getting sunburned or mosquito bites on my face again. Ive got an extra pair of boxers if you want to cover your face. Theyre not washed, but-"
"No thanks. " Just the thought makes me want to puke.
Thank God we got assigned a grassy campsite. I spread the blanket on the ground. A sleeping bag would be great, but Im happy to have my little spot of land for the night without having to worry about getting busted by the cops or bothered by other homeless people.
"Really, Lenny, why are you here?" I ask. "I mean seriously, man, whats your story?"
"I dont got a story," Lenny says, lifting his pants off his face. "You heard me the past four weeks tell all the sordid details. I got drunk, stole a car, and drove it into a lake. End of story. "
He turns his back to me and faces the opposite direction.
I stare up at the sky, the stars and moon lighting up the endless universe. Wherever Maggie is, whether shes in Paradise or in Spain, shell be looking up at the same moon and same stars.
Will she ever think about me? Will she remember the night we spent in the castle or last night when we slept in each others arms? Or will she only remember the times we argued and tried to push each other away, because it was easier than admitting or accepting what was really happening between us?
Damn. I better get a grip and forget about Maggie Armstrong. This is my life-here on this little seven-dollar rented piece of land . . . I look over at Lenny . . . and it doesnt seem like my lot in life is gonna get better anytime soon.
The biggest torture right now is knowing I wont sleep much. When its all quiet and Im just lying down at night, thats when my mind wanders to things I have no right thinking about.
"It was my moms boyfriends car," Lenny says, his voice cutting through the silence. Hed been so quiet the past hour I thought he was sleeping. I guess I shouldve known better, since he wasnt snoring. "He packed up and left her five years ago and I thought he was gone for good. I cant believe she took him back. Want to know what he did?"
"You dont have to tell me. " Im not one to pry into other peoples business, cause I dont want them prying into mine.
I look over at Lenny, whos got his palms pressed to his eyes. Ive never seen him so serious.
"When my mom wasnt home he used to touch me. "
"Damn, Lenny. Thats some serious shit. "
"Tell me about it. " Silence fills the air, and he doesnt say anything else for a while. "At first I didnt really get what was goin on, as if my brain couldnt wrap around the reality of what was happening. I was only twelve when it started. By the time the asshole split, I just wanted to erase it from my mind and forget it ever happened. I didnt tell anyone. But when he showed up in March and my mom said she invited him to live with us, I freaked. "
"Did you tell your mom about what he did to you?"
"Yeah, but she pretty much got pissed off and called me a liar. The first night the guy moved back in, I got drunk, stole his car, and drove it in the lake. My mom didnt even come to court. I hear she married the douche. Damon said I could join the Re-START program instead of serving probation time. I promised him Id go back home and work things out with my mom, but thats never gonna happen. She chose to trust a boyfriend over her son. "
"I dont even know what to say. " Somehow Lennys story makes me feel like all the stuff Ive gone through is nothing.
"You dont need to say anything. I didnt tell you to get your pity. "
>
"Does Damon know what the guy did to you?"
"Nah. "
"You shouldve told him. "
"Yeah, well you shouldve told your parents the truth about the night you didnt hit Maggie with your car, but you didnt have the guts. "
A flash of regret makes me tense up. "Youre right," I admit. "But I promised Id keep quiet. "
"Yeah, well, I made a promise to that scumbag that Id never tell my mom what he did to me, but I didnt keep that promise. I dont have choices anymore, Caleb. I cant go back home. Itll be different for you. "
"What are you saying?"
Lenny sits up. "Im sayin that youve got choices I dont have. Hell, just because your moms got some prescription drug addiction and wants you to act all perfect and your old mans a pussy doesnt mean you have to give up on them. " Lenny turns his back to me again. "If I were you-"
"Yeah, well youre not me," I cut in harshly.
I get up and walk around the campground, angry at myself and at Lenny and at Leah and at the world in general. Im glad most people are sleeping and the place is quiet except for the crackling of fires and low whispers of the few campers still awake.
I circle the campground five times, thinking the entire time about what Lenny said. Indecision replaces my anger. As I start walking faster and faster, crazy thoughts run through my head. Soon I start running. The faster I run, the more my mind races with thoughts of what was and what could be. No, I cant, I tell myself. But what ifI did?
I get back to my little piece of rented land and see Lenny lying there by himself, sleeping on the ground. Its like looking at myself from far away, and its pathetic-Im pathetic. I have tons of regrets, stemming from my fear of being rejected by people I care about.
I dont want to be alone. I dont want my family to think I gave up on them. I also dont want Maggie to think I gave up on us. My mouth goes dry and my heart is racing as I realize what Im going to go.
Im going back to Paradise.
Im going home.
TWENTY-FOUR
Maggie
om, it was no big deal. "
"How can you say that, Maggie? Its the biggest deal. "
Ive been sitting at our kitchen table for the past twenty minutes not being able to eat any of the lunch set in front of us because Im too busy getting lectured by my mother about the dangers of being on the Re-START trip with Caleb. Last night she hardly talked to me. Now shes giving me a lecture.
"Im appalled that the program coordinator allowed it to happen. "
Mom-
"He could have hurt you. "
Mom-
"If you think the Caleb Becker you saw on that trip is the same boy who lived next door to us when you were growing up, guess again.
Mom-
"How can I trust you to make the right choices when youre over four thousand miles away in Spain, Maggie? If you think it was okay to travel around the Midwest with that boy, what other irresponsible decisions are you going to make?" She picks up her fork and pokes her chicken breast. "To be honest, I hoped when he left, he was gone for good. "
"He is gone for good, Mom," I tell her. "He didnt think hed be welcome back in Paradise, and I told him he was wrong. I told him people would give him a chance and not judge him. " I take my napkin off my lap and put it on the table. "I guess I was wrong. "