“Wait a second.” Benny leans in so he’s only an inch from my face. “Is that possibly a smile we see?”
I stick my tongue out at him.
“Real mature.”
I shrug my shoulders. “I figure being the responsible one has gotten me nowhere, so I’m going to start acting like the spoiled brat my mother apparently thinks I already am.”
Cam takes both of my hands. “What happened? I want to hear it from you.”
Benny and Cam listen patiently as I recount yesterday’s events. Part of me is detached from what I’m saying. Another part, that’s growing more and more by the minute, is mad. Mad at myself for sitting here all day and feeling sorry for myself. Mad that I shoved my face full of food that’s bad for me. Mad that I’m basically lying down and letting it happen to me.
“ENOUGH!” I shout out, startling Benny and Cam. “Sorry. I’ve had it. I’m sick of pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m so over my family, but I’m not going to let them push me around.”
“So what are you going to do?” Benny asks.
“I have no idea, but I can tell you one thing.” I quickly run into my bedroom and grab a few things. “I’m done with this.” I hold up a pair of fake eyelashes and drop them into the trash. “And this.” One of my Team Mackenzie T-shirts follows suit. “I’m getting rid of everything fake in my life, including fake people.”
I walk over to them. Benny pretends to shield himself. “Don’t put me in with the trash, I’ll do whatever you want!”
“No, I’d never throw you out.”
I wrap my arms around my two best friends. And just like that, a small, yet very important piece of my life snaps back into place.
I don’t know why I thought moving to Houston would be a good idea. I couldn’t do anything without Benny and Cam. And that realization hits me the most when I hear Mom’s car pull up outside.
“Do you want us to leave?” Cam asks as she looks at the door with nervous anticipation.
“No, please stay.”
I haven’t really thought about dealing with Mom. But I figure she can’t do anything with company around. She’s all about appearances. At the pageants, she’s the smiling mom, always talking sweetly to the other contestants. It isn’t until we’re behind closed doors that her true thoughts on the competition come out.
Mackenzie opens the door and smiles at us. Mom hesitantly walks in.
“Well, hello, everybody.” Mom’s clearly taken aback by my visitors. “How are you feeling, Lexi?” She acts like everything’s fine. It isn’t until she sees the uncomfortable reaction she gets that she realizes that the act is for naught. Nobody here’s buying the concerned-mother routine.
“I’m fine,” I tell her in my frostiest voice.
“Well …” Mom wipes her hands as if she’s Lady Macbeth. “Lexi, I think that maybe your friends should leave since you’re not feeling well.”
As if we need to keep up the facade for Benny and Cam. Like they’re going to call up the school and tell the principal that I wasn’t sick today after all. At least not the kind of sickness that’s contagious. No, what I have could be classified as an infection brought on by the most toxic person in my life.
“I’d prefer that they stay.” It’s as if I’m willing Mom to have another episode in front of witnesses.
So we all just sit there, not saying a word.
Finally, after a few awkward minutes of this, Cam says, “The two of you need to talk.” She turns to Benny. “We should go.” Then she turns to me, “But if you want us to come back, call and we’ll be back here before you even notice we were gone.”
I realize she’s right — this is between Mom and me, and as much as I want my friends to be in my corner, there’s no way an honest conversation is going to happen if they’re in the room.
I get up, and both Cam and Benny give me hugs and whisper encouraging words before they leave.
By the time I turn back around to face Mom, I realize that Mackenzie is in her room. It’s only the two of us.
“Please sit down.” Mom motions toward the couch. “I wanted to talk to you, Lexi. First, I’m so sorry that I slapped you yesterday. It’s unforgivable, and I can understand if you hate me.”
I stay silent.
Mom starts wringing her hands. “I also shouldn’t have taken the money without your permission. I was in a tight spot with the bills. I maxed out both of my credit cards, and I didn’t know what else to do.”
I want to say, Stop throwing so much money away on pageants, but I think the entire solar system is aware of my feelings on the subject.
“Your father is going to put the money back into your account, and I am going to pay him back. What I did was extremely unfair.”
She keeps looking at me like she expects me to pretend that everything is just hunky-dory between us. I can appreciate a nice (perhaps even sincere) apology, but it still doesn’t erase the past.
“I talked to work and I’m going to start adding some extra shifts. Inventory is coming up and I can make time and a half. I’ll need some help looking after Mackenzie during those days and would appreciate it if you could help out. I already know you do a lot, and can understand if you don’t want to.”
I realize that this is truly the first time that I’ve been asked if it’s okay for my schedule to revolve around Mackenzie. And to be honest, that little gesture does mean something to me. Let’s face it, I’m going to have to do it anyway. What’s the point of Mom working extra if we have to pay for a babysitter? Mac can pretty much take care of herself, I only need to be around. Pretty much every time I watch her, I stay in my room and do homework while she watches TV. It’s an arrangement that works for us both.
If I’m going to live here until college, I should do my best to try to make it as pleasant as possible for us all, including myself.
“I should be able to help out,” I say. “For Mackenzie’s sake. Not yours.”
Mom almost doesn’t know how to respond to my positive (albeit somewhat hostile) agreement. “Understood, and I do appreciate it. Do you want to go out to dinner with us? We can go wherever you want.”
“That’s okay,” I say. Her face falls. “I’m not really hungry. I had a lot of junk food today.”
It’s clear from the look on her face that she doesn’t believe me. But just wait until she reaches for her late-night snack of potato chips and dip and finds it gone … with the ice cream and cheese sticks and cookies (Oh my!).
I guess I’m more like my mom than I care to admit.
She takes a hesitant step toward me. “So are we are all right?”
“No,” I tell her honestly. “Not yet.”
I see tears start welling up in her eyes. “I guess that’s all I can ask for.”
I don’t think I can handle much more crying. I get up and head to my room. I have a ton of homework to catch up on.
After all, I need to keep up my grades to get as far away from here as possible.
I knew I couldn’t avoid school another day. Plus, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be a wise decision to have me around that kitchen unguarded for two days straight. My jeans felt so tight when I zipped them up this morning.
I also knew that I needed to talk to Taylor. I’m not completely surprised to see him waiting for me at my locker.
“Hey,” he says quietly.
“Hi.”
He rubs my arm. “You feeling better?”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry I was … Well, I wasn’t myself yesterday and I shouldn’t have been so mean.”
He nods. “Yeah, it wasn’t fun.”
The awkwardness between us is so obvious. I’m not exactly sure what to do. I like Taylor, I do. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s only interested in me for the wrong reasons.
I’m waiting for him to make a comment on my appearance. I only spent about twenty minutes getting ready this morning. I have my hair up in a high ponytail with a few curls and have on about half the makeup as normal. No m
ore fake eyelashes, no more anything that isn’t me.
I’ve got to find some balance in my life. It doesn’t kill me to put in some effort since it makes me feel good about myself. However, I don’t want something as superficial as physical appearance to get in the way of being truly happy.
Taylor runs his fingers through his hair. “Listen, I think we need to talk.”
I nod. I knew this was coming. If it wasn’t my disheveled appearance yesterday, my attitude certainly put a nail in this coffin.
“It’s okay, I know what you’re going to say. And I understand.”
He looks confused. “Understand what?”
“That you’re breaking up with me.” I can’t believe how well I’m handling my first breakup.
“I wasn’t going to —”
“Listen, Taylor, no one is blaming you, and I’m not saying it’s because of the, um, non-glam look I’m now sporting.”
“You’re on this again?”
I put up my hands. “Look, I don’t want to get into a fight with you. I’m trying to make it easier on you. Seriously. It’s okay. We can still be friends.” I know people say that a lot when they end a relationship (at least they do in the movies I’ve seen) and mostly it’s only a line, but I really mean it. I want to be friends with Taylor. I want to get to know him better and for him to get to know the real me as well. And who knows, maybe someday, when I’m not a walking mess, we can try it again.
But the look on Taylor’s face right now tells me that he isn’t seeing it the same way as me. “Oh, and I guess it shouldn’t really come as a big surprise that you want to end our relationship right after Alyssa breaks up with Logan?”
“WHAT?”
“Please, like it’s some big shock. They’ve been fighting for months.”
They have? Every time I see them together, Logan’s always kissing her or putting his hand on her leg or he … I mean, I guess it’s usually him being affectionate and, honestly, I usually go off into one of my delusional fantasies, so I don’t really pay attention to how she reacts.
Taylor shakes his head. “I figure most of the girls here have been biding their time until he was single, but I was hoping you weren’t one of them. I guess I was wrong.”
“I didn’t know —”
“Don’t pretend that this isn’t why you are breaking up with me. Well, I guess you have your wish.” He turns on his heel and walks away.
Benny comes running over. “What’s with Taylor? He seems mad.”
“Did Logan and Alyssa break up?”
Benny shakes his head. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything. But come to think of it …”
“What? Tell me!”
Benny’s obviously proceeding with caution. I’m technically not supposed to be thinking about Logan, and I’m especially not supposed to talk about him since my Loganvention. But after what happened the other day, Benny and Cam realize that I’m going to have to deal with what he saw.
“Nothing, I saw him a few minutes ago and he didn’t look so hot. And there was whispering.”
Wow. I already feel like I’m walking a tightrope. If this news is true, I’m about to fall. Hard.
It’s confirmed. Logan’s single. I hear it from Alyssa’s best friend, Lisa, first period.
“I’m surprised he didn’t see it coming,” Lisa says to a crowd of girls that includes me. “I mean, Logan’s such a nice guy and they’ve known each other forever, which made it especially hard for Alyssa to have to break up with him. She loves him, but like a brother, not a boyfriend. It’s hard, you know, Logan’s always been there for her, and it made it harder and harder for Alyssa to cut the cord. But sometimes you need to make a break, you know. I think Logan could tell, which is why he’s been super clingy lately, but his neediness kind of sealed the breakup. But Alyssa sincerely wants to keep him as a friend, though. I mean, Logan is such a nice guy.”
Wow. I think being labeled a “nice” guy is the male equivalent of “great personality.” Poor Logan. There’s nothing wrong with being a nice guy, but I guess if there wasn’t a spark it couldn’t be forced. And if I think back on it, he has been overly affectionate lately and Alyssa hasn’t seemed pleased. I took it more as a reflection of my jealousy, not on the state of their relationship.
My shock over the breakup conflicts with the fact that Logan Reeves is, in fact, now single. But what surprises me the most is that I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be when they broke up. To be honest, I’m relieved that there are so many things for people to gossip about instead of my somewhat-reversion back to a normal-looking person. Nobody really seems to be batting an eyelash that I’m not as glammed up. It’s not the response I got when I first came to school looking like a different person. Maybe people don’t really care that much about what I look like. Maybe my new look was just a way for people to notice me, and now that they have, I don’t need fake hair to be paid attention to.
I feel so bad for Logan — and more awkward thinking about him than ever before. I’m still horrified that he had to witness the crumbling of my family. And now this.
Since I used to revolve my entire school routine around when I was most likely to see him in the hallways, it’s just as easy to revolve my routine around avoiding him. I don’t see him at all. At least not physically. Mentally is another thing altogether.
I mean, the guy I’ve been in love with for years is finally single.
For two years I’ve been telling myself that it’s because of Alyssa that he’s not with me. But most likely (irony alert!) he’s just not into me that way. It’s easier to blame things on other people, but when you have to look inside and face the facts, it can be ugly.
For two days I manage to avoid Logan. But I know it’ll only be a matter of time before my luck runs out.
I see Logan coming down the hallway at the end of the day. He usually takes a different route to his locker, so he’s surprised me. He sees me and waves frantically. I keep looking around the hallway like I’m a little kid seeing tall buildings for the first time.
He finally catches up. “Hey.” He looks me in the eye. “Are you avoiding me?”
I give him a who-me? look. “What?”
He seems slightly out of breath. “I’ve been trying to see you for days now to make sure you’re okay. But you’re never around and you haven’t been answering my texts.”
More like I’m always a step ahead of him.
“No, I’ve been, ah, busy. Um, sorry about you and Alyssa.”
That’s it. Distract him. Bring up his pain so we don’t have to relive yours.
“Thanks. How are things at home?”
It seems like he isn’t distracted so easily.
“It’s fine. I …”
Logan can clearly sense my discomfort. “Do you want to go grab a coffee or something?”
And there it is.
Logan’s asking me out for coffee. I’ve dreamed about him asking me to do anything. Granted, he probably wants to make sure he doesn’t have to put me on some sort of depression watch.
But the weird thing is, I’m not even excited. Maybe because I know he’s just looking out for his “friend” Lexi. Maybe he’ll even ask me for advice on getting Alyssa back. I don’t think I have the strength for that.
Luckily, I only have an hour before work. By the time we get to the mall, we’ll only have maybe thirty minutes to chat.
For the first time ever, the very last person I want to spend any time with is Logan Reeves.
I never thought it was possible for two human beings to be this uncomfortable around each other.
I’m refusing to make eye contact with Logan. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll see that look of pity I so despise. I spent the entire time in line at the coffeehouse staring at the board, even though I knew exactly what I was going to get. Then I nearly knocked over his drink when I reached for mine.
“So …” he says to me as we sit down, “how are things at home?”
“Fine.” I stare at my pe
ppermint tea like there are secret messages in the steam coming from the cup. “How are things with you?”
“Fine.”
Silence. Awkward, painful why-did-I-agree-to-this? silence.
“Is everything okay with your mom?” he asks.
“I guess.” I still can’t believe he knows what happened. I have to change the topic. Let’s see, Logan and I usually talk about pageants or Alyssa, so I’m not really sure what else to talk about. So I reach. “How’s the football team going to be next year?”
“Awesome!” he answers enthusiastically. “I really think that Taylor, oh …”
So apparently there’s no other subject we can talk about. We have nothing else in common. How is that possible?
“You know what’s funny?” he asks.
That we have absolutely nothing to talk about?
I decide to say “What?” instead.
“I think this is the first time we’ve both been single.”
“Uh-huh.” How do I remind him that with the exception of the past few weeks, I have always been single, while he has always had a girlfriend of Alyssa-like stature (read: gorgeous)? And until Alyssa, he’s always been the one to do the dumping.
“You know what?”
“What?” Man, this is kind of annoying. If he wants to say something to me, why doesn’t he just say it? Even though he’s right across from me, all I can think about is how I’d rather be with Taylor. Even though when I was with Taylor, all I could think about was Logan.
If only Benny and Cam had thought of the Loganvention sooner.
“I don’t know … Maybe …” I finally look at him and see that he’s blushing. I quickly scan the coffee house to see if anybody we know has walked in. “Hey, do you want to go to the athletic dinner with me? I mean, I’m not really ready to jump into dating, and I think it would be fun for us to go together. You know, as friends.”
Yes, friends. Friend Lexi’s back. Because no matter what I do to change me, I can’t really change the way someone feels about me. No amount of primping in the world can make Logan feel the way for me that I have for him.