"You've said that," Simon barked.
"And for two, we knew you or someone else would try to think of a way to go instead."
"Ok, well, Simon? They're right. Keepers couldn't get two feet inside a store before a Lighter sensed you. They are everywhere now. And -"
"Wait. Wait, wait!" Ellie yelled and smiled at us like we were all idiots. "I can go. They can't sense me."
"But we need you here to keep the ones looking for us away from the Specials and Keepers. They would be able to sense us if they were close enough."
"Oh," she said in deflation. "Well what about Cain? He's a Special?"
"Cain's never been detected by them before," Ryan explained and smiled a little at her across the room. "That's why…Cain and Sherry going is a good idea," he eased and then looked at Merrick, waiting for his reaction.
I smiled at Ryan, but let my smile slip away when Merrick turned his gaze to me. My old Merrick, the one from the beginning where he was constantly worried about my safety and threw fits over it, was in full swing. But he was trying to rein it in. I inched toward him and put a hand on his chest. "This isn't me trying to be all rebelliony like before." His lips twisted. "This is me doing what needs to be done for everyone to survive. You know there's no one else who can go who has the best chance to-"
He put his hands up to my cheeks, effectively stopping all my thoughts and words. He leaned his forehead to mine. "You'll be the death of me," he murmured.
I smiled. "Thank you."
"Thank him for what?" Rylee asked and huffed. "For letting you go?"
"Shut it, Rylee," someone said.
I leaned back to see him. "Cain will take care of me."
I know that. Once again, you just don't understand how hard it is to just let you go and hope for the best. Things are worse than ever now.
"I know. Thank you for understanding that you can't be selfish with me." I laughed at his scowl. "You are being a very good Keeper right now."
"Yeah. And a horrible husband," he whispered against my forehead.
I didn't say anything else. I tried to take my victory with grace.
"So we're going," Cain said and clapped once. "Awesome. Let's go a.s.a.p. because if I have to throwback one more meal of beans, I'm gonna go ape crap."
Calvin laughed and then stopped when no one joined him. Simon, the ever annoying Keeper lately, had to say something. "Take this seriously, Cain."
"I'm dead serious, Simon." He held up two fingers. "Two things I'm always serious about. Missions and food."
"Cain," he said in exasperation.
"I got this," he rebutted harder. "Stop worrying so much." He looked at me. "It'll be best if we leave first thing in the morning."
I nodded. Lillian, who was behind him the whole time, grabbed his hand and looked at me. There was some silent message there that I didn't get, but I nodded anyway. I would watch Cain's back like he watched mine.
That night when everyone was asleep, I lay awake and tried not to think about the morning. Merrick didn't understand when it came to this part of me. He thought I was trying to be stubborn, but it was more than that. I didn't want to go, I just felt like I needed to.
Sleep refused me, so I started singing really low. The lack of radio or piano was wearing on me. Gavin Degraw seemed upbeat, but melancholy enough to fit my mood. "We got two tickets, but they're one way. And I went with it so I can't say, no. I lit a fuse I can't stop. I opened doors I can't lock. Still I never meant to be this close, and let it slip away. I keep stumbling until I finally missed the last train. She's ready, I'm not ready. I run every time."
"Who's that?" Merrick whispered. "His logic is sound."
I laughed. "You're such a goofball." I rubbed his scruff. "Everything will be ok."
"Mmhmm," he muttered. "It better be. Or this world will have to deal with me." He leaned over me in our small tented space. "Be careful. Be smart. Be quick. Don't recruit anyone. We have enough mouths to feed."
"I know. I promise, in and out quickly, just what we need and nothing else." He sighed and laid his head on my chest. His fingers caressed my ribs and I wiggled under him. "Lily is with Danny and Celeste tonight," I whispered and ran my hand through his hair. "I can be very quiet."
He kissed my chest through my shirt and looked up at me. "I just want to hold you. Is that all right?"
I nodded and continued to rub his head and shoulders as he laid his head back down. My poor Merrick was going to worry himself into an ulcer. I knew he would be like this until I came back.
So I vowed to come back soon and in one piece.
Duct Tape
Chapter 12
Merrick
"You've got your food packed, right? And the credit cards? I'm not sure if they'll still work or not. You might have to try a few of them for gas or whatever-"
"We've got it," Sherry assured me and rubbed my chest. "We've got everything we need."
I did this half growl half groan thing. I knew I was stalling, but I just couldn't seem to stop. Cain and Lillian were trying to be discreet in their goodbye. She was wiping her eyes even as he kissed her teary cheeks and hugged her. I rubbed my face. I needed to stop being such a pansy.
I jerked Sherry to me and squeezed her with all I could muster without hurting her. She laughed happily. "This was all I wanted."
"I worry. That won't ever change," I defended.
"I wouldn't change one thing about you. If you didn't worry about me, I'd be worried about that." She smiled. One of those smiles that was solely to placate me and make me feel moths in my guts and googly eyed, as she called it. It was totally working.
I just kissed her. To feel her breath as she gasped into my mouth, to feel her warm fingers as they gripped my arms like she was hanging on for life, to feel the buzz she caused me, like being drunk without the hangover. I kissed her good and long and dangerously.
When I finally released her, she had that glazy eyed look that made me want to drag her to our room…but we didn't have a room anymore. I sighed. Things were so different now. I kissed her forehead and said, "Gah, I love you, baby."
"I love you, Finch," she whispered, the slight hitch giving her away.
"I love you more."
"Unfathomable."
I smirked at her inability to let me win. I peeked up to see Cain waiting for Sherry, but trying not to watch us. I nodded to him and he sauntered over, putting a hand on my shoulder. "We'll be back before you know it."
I turned to give him my full attention. "I know you'll take care of her," I lowered my voice, "but I promise you I'll murder you in your sleep mafia style if-"
He laughed. "Dude! That was awesome! Say it again." Before I could say anything he continued, "I get it. You'll murder me dead." He chuckled again. "You know me. You and Sherry are family. I promise you I won't let anything happen to her."
"I am standing right here," Sherry said and smirked at us both.
"Where?" Cain joked and looked over her head. "Can't see a thing."
"Down here, turd."
"Turd? I'm wounded. Is that even a real word? If I were writing a novel right now, turd would be underlined in red," he goaded and laughed as she slapped his arm.
"Turd," she repeated and reached up to hug me. "Please don't worry so much. Make sure Lily brushes out her hair because if you don't it's a rat's nest."
"Ok." I touched her cheek. "Bye, baby."
"Bye."
One side of her mouth rose in a half smile. She let Cain lead her to the elevator, a beaten messenger bag over her shoulder. Not everyone was up yet, but there were plenty of us awake to see them off. Lily wasn’t one of them. Sherry said it would be too much to see Lily upset about her leaving so we let her sleep.
We'd been over and over the rules and things they needed to remember. They were well equipped to handle this, taking the Jeep and clean clothes so they didn't look like rebels.
Simon pouted by the elevator doors, but I barely saw him.
The elevator doors clos
ed and Sherry and I both leaned until the little sliver of each other through the crack was gone. I swiped my face with my palm and plopped myself onto one of the bean crates. Gah, this sucked.
"Sherry is a smart girl," Jeff told me. He was attempting to un-knot a shoelace from his sneakers. "And Cain is perfect for this."
"I know that," I said a bit harshly. I was tired of everyone making out like I was overreacting.
I don't think you're overreacting. I'm just trying to offer you some comfort.
I'm afraid there's none to be had, brother. How's Marissa?
Good. His smile was proud. Really good, if you don't count morning sickness. Her belly is starting to stick out a little. It's…awesome knowing what's inside there.
Delivery isn't going to be fun.
I remember Katie. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. I know it seems cruel to bring a baby into the world like this, but I still can't help but be happy about it. It makes sense to me; to bring life into the world when so much life is leaving it.
I nodded and smiled. You're getting wise in your old age, papa bear.
I'll take that badge and wear it proudly.
I bet. Hey, uh…what are we going to do about Simon?
He's sure cocky, isn't he?
I grimaced. Yeah, he is. I don't get it. Josh was cocky, but this is insane. He's reckless.
We'll keep an eye on him. Cain's gone, so he should tone down a bit the next couple of days.
Don't remind me. Cain was gone and so was Sherry. Why don't we make ourselves useful and figure out a way to make a clothesline and get a pipe to run water to the kitchen. Sherry would be happy to find that when she got back.
Deal. He got fed up and cut the shoelace straight through with a knife.
"You know we don't have replacement laces for that, right?"
"They were knotted. I'll just glue it."
"Glue it?" Billings said and took it from him as if to examine it. "You can't glue that! Try some duct tape."
"Duck tape? What's that?"
"Duct tape," he corrected, enunciating the 't'. "It's…ah, here." Billings pulled a roll from a compartment in his cargo pants leg. We gawked at him in disbelief. He shrugged. "What? You never know when you're going to need duct tape."
Catnip
Chapter 13
Cain
I opened Sherry's door to the Jeep like a true gentleman. She climbed in, a little sulky and pouty. It was pretty cute. I got in my side and cranked the air conditioning. "Wow, it feels weird to be going on a run. Especially with you, no offense."
"None taken," she said lightly. "Everyone underestimates my size and assumes I have nothing to offer. That's why I'm so good to go on these runs." She turned to look at me. "I didn't mean you, I just meant….in general."
I chuckled. "It's ok. And point to you, well played."
She tried to smile, but it was a horrible imitation. I knew what was eating her. It was eating me, too. Leaving the spousal units behind. I felt my brow come down to reach my eyes. What if she knew about the crush I used to have and feels uncomfortable? I glanced at her. She looked normal enough, but would Sherry have the guts to call me on it? But there wasn't anything to call on anymore.
That was history of the best kind; the kind that was rewritten with something even better.
So I'd stop worrying about it like a sissy and get down to business. "Now," I started, "we play the usual bit. We're married with three kids, getting some groceries, a little peroxide, a random package of rectangle size bandages, maybe a blow up mattress or two. What do ya think?"
"It's brilliant, Cainy boy." She tried that smile again that hung all wrong.
"What's the matter, huh? Don't want to be seen with me?"
"I know we have to do this, but we're not going to get enough to feed everyone. You know that right? Next week, we'll be right back in the same boat."
"We'll do what has to be done," I said sternly. "We survive, we fight back. What else is there anymore?"
She nodded and took a curl between her fingers, her eyes distant, but focused. Some Coldplay song came on the CD player from my mix tape and she jumped forward to turn the radio up. She smiled, a real one, and her fingers moved on her lap a little like piano keys were playing underneath them.
"You miss it, huh?"
She looked at me and then at her hands. Her smile grew. "Yep. I miss it very much. But not as much as you miss a real meal, I bet."
"Oh, good Lord, don't get me started." I felt my stomach on instinct and wasn't impressed with the bones there." We're all skin and bones," I mused.
She lifted her arm and grimaced. "Mmm," she muttered unsatisfied. "I'm not worried about me so much, or you for that matter, no offense. But the kids…we all look pretty ragged, but the kids are scrawny."
She wasn't wrong. And Calvin and Frank were so active, always running around, they never kept weight on when we were eating good, and now…
"Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you," she softly said the words. She leaned her head back on the seat and I focused on the road.
I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to act around her now. She and I had always been connected in a way that was different than other girls. I thought it was love before, and it was, just a different kind of love. I bit on my lip ring and smoothed a hand down my shaved chin. None of us had been shaving since supplies were so low, but to go into the Need Warehouses, I had to look presentable.
It felt so good to not feel like a wildebeest anymore.
She kept on humming and leaned over the small console to lay her head on my shoulder. She looped her arm through mine. She glanced up and grinned at me playfully. She rubbed my chin with her knuckles. "You look so much better when you're not sporting a food catcher."
"Food catcher… Oh. Ha, ha." I smiled and remembered Lillian's grin at finally seeing my face again this morning. I rubbed my phantom beard before patting her knee. "You're hilarious."
"I am pretty hilarious," she joked and put her head back on my shoulder. "I've missed you, Cainy boy."
I smiled that her calling me that no longer sent me into orbit. "Cainy boy," I mused. "You know you are the only person I ever-"
"Let call you Cainy boy. I know. I like it that way," she laughed her words. "Just like no one can call Merrick Finch, but me."
"Finch?"
"Long story."
"We've got a long ride," I coaxed.
She sat up grinning. "Ok. Well, he proposed and we were trying to find a last name since he didn't have one to give me…"
I listened as she talked about my best friend. Her eyes glistened when she told me about Pastor and marrying Merrick in that little church. I listened. And I was truly happy for her.
"What a waste," I muttered as we passed the Taco Shell. They weren't serving tacos anymore. Now it was just dust.
"Yeah, a waste." She laughed. "I would just about maim and murder someone for a taco right about now."
"And I'd be there right beside you, a willing accomplice."
"Accomplice doesn't suit you, Cain."
"Usually not," I agreed. "But today, I'm your accomplice and you're mine, little one."
She chuckled at my jab and poked me in the ribs. "Shut up, husband."
"That's a good little wife," I said, miraculously with a straight face. Before she could respond, I slammed on the brakes.
I stared at the Enforcer and put my hands on the wheel; ten and two o'clock like a good little compelled citizen. I glanced at Sherry to see her demeanor was like mine; frozen and waiting patiently. "Good girl," I muttered under my breath.
"Sir, please roll down your window," the Enforcer said. He was so young. So young and pliable and stupid. I felt sorry for the guy for being so gullible. I rolled my window down slowly and gave him an expectant look. If he thought I was stating my business without asking, he had another thing coming. He huffed and crossed his arms. "You know the drill. State your name and the reason for crossi
ng the border into town."
I said, deadly calm, "Cain, and my wife, Sherry, and we're headed to the Need Warehouse. We're crossing the border because we live out of town."
He chuckled. "What you want to do a thing like that for? Hardly no one lives outside the borders anymore."
I smiled a little, unable to stop it. "We're just rebels, I guess."
The idiot actually laughed and waved us on. "Stay safe now and happy shopping."
"Back at ya, buddy," I yelled and rolled my window up. I peeked at Sherry. She was biting her lip, but her chest was shaking with a laugh. I joined her again and it felt so good. My chest had missed the jolting of a laugh.
"I can't believe you did that!" she said and wiped her eye with the side of her hand. "I can not believe you said that!"
"Hey, I'm not a good liar. He asked for the truth, so I just gave it to him."
"You sure did!" She wiped her eye again and laughed. "Oh, gosh. I needed that."
"Me, too. 'Cause we're here."
She sobered and blew a long breath. I parked in the middle and flicked it into park. We sat for a second to gather ourselves. I looked around and saw all the people heading inside or coming back with their baskets full. Everybody seemed so normal. So peaceful. If only it were true and not a horrible façade.
"Ready?" she asked, her voice surprisingly steady.
"Yep." I jumped out and ran to get her door. She was already half out, so I shut it for her. She straightened her shirt and stroked a curl nervously. I took her cold hand in mine as we came around the back of the truck. "In and out, easy peasy, got it?"