Chapter 29
If she leaned hard against the bars of the cell and angled her head just right, she could see the guard at his post along the corridor. He was young, and had seemed a little kinder than the others when he’d brought her evening meal.
“Hey!” she shouted, and he looked up. “Do you know a man called Raf?”
It was a long shot, but she was desperate. The boundaries of the rebel districts were shifting, shrinking under Imperial pressure, and Eleanor had found herself on the wrong side of an imaginary line after dark the previous night as she’d tried to leave the city. She could have taken down a couple or even four of them with no trouble, but she’d been unlucky enough to run into half a unit of city guards who’d been determined to sweep her and her illegal children straight into Almont’s gaol. Faced with that number she’d thought it better to go without a fight rather than draw attention to herself, but she was starting to question the wisdom of that decision.
“He’s probably quite high up in the Shadow Corps by now,” she went on when the guard didn’t respond.
“I know one who goes by that name,” the man said, eyeing her suspiciously.
“From Venncastle school?”
“What’s it to you?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she shrugged, going to sit down again with the children at the back of the cell. “I just wondered how he was getting on.”
The guard marched across and glowered at her through the bars. “Tell me what you want with the deputy.”
“Your deputy commander?” she asked, keeping her voice soft. “Well, what’s an elite recruit like you doing guarding the dungeons, then?”
He didn’t answer, so she tried again, dropping her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Listen, I wonder... I can’t help feeling it might help your career if you went and told Raf that you have his old girlfriend captive.”
“You’re not his girlfriend,” the guard said, but she heard a hint of doubt in his voice and knew she had something to work with.
“Oh, I haven’t seen him in a while,” she said agreeably. “It’s been a couple of years. But we parted on very good terms.”
“Why should I believe that? You’re married.” He indicated her bangle. She could hardly deny her status when Daniel’s name hung from her wrist.
“As I said – it’s been a couple of years. Things happen. But I still think he’d like to see me.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“If you want to check we’re talking about the same man, his identity number is V-N-five-nine-F-six-two-E-Y-G.”
If this guard really was in the Shadows then he shouldn’t have any problem remembering an identity code for long enough to check.
“Do you think it would be worse for you,” she asked sweetly, brushing a few stray hairs from her face and fluttering her eyelashes, “to keep the deputy commander’s sweetheart locked up, or to waste a few moments of his time if it turns out I’m lying? At least in that case the blame would clearly lie with me.”
“What if you’re planning to hurt him?”
She forced a gentle laugh. “You think I’m dangerous? And the children?”
The guard leaned heavily on the bars. “Who are you?”
“Tell him you have his first girlfriend in your cells. He’ll know.”
The guard squinted at her for a moment longer, then turned on his heel and left without another word. She hoped he’d made the right decision.
A short while later Raf strode into the cells, the guard rushing two steps behind him. He was dressed in a smart uniform of deep blue linen, the Imperial insignia on his chest, with four small silver stars arrayed above the crest. He snatched the heavy keyring from the guard then barked: “Leave us!” The guard obeyed instantly and Raf turned back to the captives, his voice a shade more gentle. “Ellie? What are you doing here?”
“I was taking my children to school,” Eleanor said, coming up to the bars. “And I got caught.”
Raf turned his attention to the two children. Isabelle was cowering in a corner, her arms wrapped protectively around Martin; both were quiet.
“Why aren’t they already at school?” he asked.
“We made a mistake. I’m taking them now... well, I was. Please, can you help us get out of here?”
“Ellie, Ellie!” He reached a hand through the bars to ruffle her hair. “A girl like you really should be able to get out of a shoddy place like this without my help.”
“Not with two little ones.” She glanced back at the children, giving Isabelle a reassuring smile when their eyes met although she didn’t feel reassured inside. “Will you help us?”
He hesitated. “They’re... Daniel’s children?”
“Raf, please.” She could hear the pain in his question, but this was hardly the time to go over everything that had happened in the years since they’d last seen each other. “They’re my children.”
He took a step back, suddenly serious. “How do you think my wife would’ve felt if she’d been there when Senn came to tell me he’d got my ‘girlfriend’ in his cells? And with two children.”
“I’m sorry,” Eleanor said quickly. “It was the only thing I could think of to make sure you came. I didn’t mean...”
“I don’t want to upset her.”
“No, of course not.” She looked at the floor, wishing the ground would swallow her. Somehow, she hadn’t even imagined he might be married. The odds of him helping her felt a lot slimmer in light of that knowledge.
“She’s the head of the Empress’s personal staff,” Raf continued. “She’s far too useful to me.”
“You...” Eleanor faltered, somehow struggling to make sense of the words. “She’s useful?”
“Yes, very.”
“Don’t you love her?”
He laughed then, and his laughter echoed back from the walls of the cell. “Of course not. We have nothing in common. But she holds a good position and she keeps her ear to the ground.”
“Oh.”
They regarded each other in silence for a long moment, and Eleanor felt she was separated from him by more than just the iron bars which stood between them. He’d changed in their years apart; hardened.
“I’m useful to her, too,” he added as though that made sense of it all.
“So will you let us go?”
“Ellie, you’re a fugitive and a criminal...”
“I know that,” she snapped. “I’m not asking for your moral judgement – I’m just asking you to let me out of this cage.”
“You’d do well to remember who you’re talking to,” he said, taking a small step backwards.
She gripped the bars of her cell door firmly, leaned forwards, and glared at him. “I’m not the one who’s in danger of forgetting who my friends are.”
He drew himself up tall, unconsciously adjusting his uniform. “I am deputy commander of the Imperial Shadow Corps.”
“Yes, and you used to be my friend.” She met his gaze fiercely, daring him to argue back. Shouting mindlessly was by far the easiest thing to do.
“You’re right,” he conceded after a momentary pause. “Okay, come on, let’s talk somewhere more comfortable.”
He unlocked the door, steered Eleanor into the corridor, and locked the cell again behind her.
“I know you won’t try anything while we have your kids in there.”
Tears welled up in Eleanor’s eyes as she looked up at him. “When did you get so cold?”
He avoided her gaze. “It’s a cold world, Ellie. I’m sorry, it isn’t personal.”
“Don’t you trust me any more?”
“It’s not about trust,” he said, going to put his arm around her shoulders. She shrugged him off irritably. “Officially, you’re the enemy. And I know just how good you are.”
He led her along the corridor, signalled to the waiting guard that he should resume his post, and beckoned her to follow him up a broad flight of stairs.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
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“Just up to my private quarters,” he said. “Where we won’t be overheard.”
“What about your wife?”
“Oh,” he waved his hand dismissively. “She’ll be working well past sunset. Besides, she wouldn’t dare to disturb me if I hadn’t summoned her.”
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t marry you!” The words snapped out of Eleanor’s mouth before she had chance to think, and she instantly regretted them.
Raf stopped in his tracks, halfway up the stairs, and turned on her. “What?”
“If that’s how you think about her, I’m glad we never... I mean, I’m glad... Not that we ever...” She stopped, wondering why she’d said anything, realising she’d accidentally begun a conversation she really didn’t want to finish. True, she’d often wondered what might have happened if he’d stayed with the Association, but they’d never talked about their relationship in terms of marriage and this didn’t seem like a particularly good time to start.
He came down two steps towards her and took hold of both her hands. “If I’d been lucky enough to marry you, that would’ve been very different. But I was never going to find another girl like you, so I did the next best thing and found someone useful. I don’t have to like her.”
They walked up the rest of the stairs in silence, and though she was still annoyed at him she didn’t withdraw her hand from his this time.
Raf’s rooms were on the third floor, as large and imposing a suite as befitted a high-ranking official of the Empire. “So this is what you get for selling out,” Eleanor muttered, only half joking, as he waved her into the room.
He pointed her in the direction of the window-seat, then poured them each a glass of spring nectar before seating himself beside her.
She sank back against him as she sipped from the glass. The familiar taste combined with the warm closeness of his body revived too many old memories in her, and she caught herself longing for the simplicity of their days at the academy. She pulled sharply away from him, annoyed that she’d allowed her emotions to be manipulated so easily. She knew she mustn’t stop thinking of Isabelle and Martin – locked alone in the cells, the children were relying on her to get them out. She couldn’t afford to be sidetracked by memories.
“Why can’t you just let us go?” she asked.
“This isn’t like the old days. The men here are selfish, they’ve got no loyalty.”
“Who are you to talk about loyalty?”
“Don’t fight me, Ellie.” His voice cracked a little as he spoke, and he hugged her closer. She didn’t resist. “I need you to understand. Senn came to fetch me because he thought I might make it worth his while, but if he spots me doing anything out of line he’ll report it without thinking. I can’t be seen to help you.”
“Then what can you do in secret?”
“I’ll think about it.”
She opened her mouth to press him further, but he put his hand gently across her lips.
“Shhh. I’ll do what I can, I promise, but I need time to think it through.”
“Okay.” It was hard to be patient knowing her children were locked in a cold stone dungeon, but it wouldn’t help her cause to hurry him. She swallowed the rest of the nectar in one long gulp, relishing the way it burned at her throat and hoping the alcohol would help to numb her mind.
He topped up her glass and pulled her round to face him. “I know it’s hard,” he said. “But you’ve been through much worse. You’ll work it out.”
“I will,” she agreed. “But the children...”
He nodded his understanding. “How old are they?”
“I’ve had Isabelle for a year and one season. Martin’s not even two months yet.”
“And remind me again why you’re taking them across the Empire, in the current climate?”
“I’m just taking them to school.” She finished her second glass of nectar much too quickly, and he poured her another top-up. “But most places wouldn’t take a toddler, so I have to go back and try my old school.” She wasn’t sure what kept her from mentioning that it was her own mother she’d be visiting; somehow, it didn’t seem prudent.
“One thing I could do is to take your son to the nearest school here in Almont. He’d be safe there, away from the war. Or...” He stopped, a thoughtful smile spreading to his lips. “Actually, I’m sure I could make an argument that a child of yours and Daniel’s is suitable Venncastle material.”
“Would you?” She could hardly believe her luck. “That’s where I was going to take him.”
“It would only be reasonable. I don’t know why anyone thought to lock up a baby in the first place, when clearly what we should be doing is making sure he’s removed from his criminal mother and placed under proper care.” He grinned at her. “Yes, I’m sure I can make a case for that. And it’s one less thing for you to worry about.”
She wanted to throw her arms around him in thanks, but something made her hesitate. “How do I know I can trust you?”
“You’ve always been able to trust me.”
She raised a questioning eyebrow. “You’ve a funny way of showing it.”
“Ellie, you have no idea how many times I’ve saved you.”
“What?”
“I’ve done everything in my power to persuade them that you’re not worth looking for, ever since the rift. Everyone else who stayed with the Association is being hunted day and night – you’re the only one who’s slipped off the end of the list, and if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have stayed alive long enough to ask to see me tonight. But trying to run across the Empire with illegal children is asking for trouble.”
“Sorry,” she said. “Though if we’re talking about stupid things we’ve done to save one another’s lives, you might think about that time you woke up in the street, when you were pretending to be a palace guard.”
“Someone hit me with a sedative before I even... that was you?”
“I took my revolutionaries out for a little guard-hunting. I didn’t expect to find you wandering around in disguise.”
“Well, I suppose that makes us even.”
They fell into silence. Eleanor watched the fountain sparkling in the evening sunlight and wondered whether the old Association buildings were still in use for anything, but she knew better than to ask. Raf continued to fill her glass as quickly as she could empty it and before long she was feeling drunk and sleepy. She curled herself against his chest, drifting in and out of consciousness as he held her and wishing, not for the first time, that life could be simpler. He stroked her hair softly as she slid into a deeper sleep.
When she next awoke it was almost dark outside, and Raf was running his fingers along the contours of her face.
“About what you said earlier...” he began when he noticed her eyes flicker open.
“Forget I said anything.”
“But...”
“Forget it,” she insisted, pulling herself up into a sitting position, suddenly fully awake and sober. She didn’t want to expose herself to those feelings again.
“Ellie, if you’d ever even hinted that we could be together, I would’ve stayed, no question.”
“You had to make your own decision,” she said, wondering why he had to open up these old wounds again. It was too late; talking over it now could only cause them both more pain.
“But if you’d ever told me... If you’d ever...” He paused, trying to compose himself. “My decision would’ve been different.”
“I kissed you. What more did you need?” She didn’t bother trying to keep the incredulity from her voice.
“I thought that was goodbye.”
“It didn’t have to be.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Daniel understood – enough that he’s never really forgiven me.”
“Why did you tell him?”
“I didn’t. He saw us.”
“Ohhh.”
“It was enough to split us up for almost a year. When I came back here for the key... if you’d been here...” She shook h
er head, blinking. “I really wanted to see you again.”
She thought she saw a tear glistening in the corner of Raf’s eye, though she knew he was unlikely to let himself cry. “Then stay with me now,” he said, squeezing her hand.
“It’s too late.” She wished that it wasn’t true, but she knew she was right. “The Empress would never pardon me for my crimes, not even to keep her best Shadow happy, and the Association wouldn’t trust you if you tried to come back. Besides, I have the children to think of now.”
He ran two fingers along the scar which cut across her cheek, from her nose right down to her jawbone, reminding her of the way he’d gently tended the wound when it was fresh. However much he seemed to have hardened against the world, she couldn’t forget everything they’d shared. He pressed his lips against hers and she returned the kiss with desperate intensity, trying to make up in those few heartbeats for everything they hadn’t had chance to share over the preceding years.
“At least stay with me tonight,” he said as he pulled away.
Before she could respond, he picked her up and carried her easily into the next room where a sumptuous four-poster bed stood proudly in the centre of the floor. Rich green curtains draped to the floor, and matching silk sheets covered the bed.
“But you’re married,” she protested as he set her down on the divan.
“So are you.”
She fingered the gold bracelet which was still fastened round her wrist. “I don’t think I will be, by the time I get home,” she said, suddenly feeling a great sense of loss. Daniel would never forgive her for taking the children away, and certainly not if he found out that Martin was off to Venncastle. “Besides, Daniel isn’t here – but your wife might want to share your bed.”
Raf shook his head, and began to loosen the laces of her shirt. “Janine has her own rooms. She’d never expect to sleep here without an invitation – and I don’t often invite her. She knows well enough where she stands.”
“That’s... sad.”
“I don’t know how you can be so righteous about it when you married Daniel. You never even liked him.”
“It seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Right?”
“We were having children for the revolution. Once we’d decided to be a little rebel family, there wasn’t much sense in staying resolutely unmarried. Besides, we’d already done it once.”
He pulled the cord through the last set of eyelets and dropped it to the floor, then slid his hands beneath the loose folds of fabric. “Done what?”
“Been married. On that Faliska mission, didn’t I tell you?”
“Somehow you managed to forget that part of the story.”
“I tried to put it out of my mind.” She frowned, wondering whether she would have thought twice about agreeing to marry Daniel if it hadn’t been the second time.
“Shall I get one of the servants to run you a bath before bed?” Raf offered.
“Won’t they find that a little strange?” She thought back to what he’d said about the lack of loyalty: she didn’t want him to get into trouble.
“Oh, I won’t mention you, obviously. I often bathe at night.”
“Okay, then. The hot water might help my shoulder.”
He took hold of her right shoulder and started to knead the muscles around the site of her old injury, making her wince although she knew it would help. “Did you wrench it again?”
“Yeah, trying not to get captured.”
“Wait here, and I’ll fetch you once the water’s ready.”
She finished undressing while he was gone, and folded her clothes into a neat stack on the sideboard. After a moment’s hesitation, she unclipped her name bangle and rested it on top of the pile; it felt strangely liberating. The wedding-band had felt like a shackle lately. She was still deep in thought when Raf returned for her, and she was certain a man of his observational skills would notice what she’d done.
She followed him back to the sitting room where the servants had placed a large iron bath by the window and filled it with steaming, scented water. He held her hand as she clambered into the tub, then stripped off and lowered himself into the water to face her. He’d made sure a fresh bottle of spring nectar was easily within reach, and handed her glass to her as soon as they were both settled. She accepted gratefully; she’d sobered up after her nap but she wasn’t sure she wanted to be fully in control of herself tonight. Besides, there were few enough times these days when she felt safe enough to relax her guard.
They stayed in the bath long enough to fill and empty their glasses three times, then Raf rang for the servants to clear away the tub while he led Eleanor back to the bedroom. Somewhere at the back of her mind she knew she should insist on going back to her children for the night, but they were going to have to learn to live without her soon enough. She could afford to stay a little longer.
Raf pulled back the blankets for her, snuffed out the room’s torches and then pulled the curtains closed around the bed before coming to join her between the sheets.