I smiled back at her. "Pure?" I said.
"Trapped." She turned my way but didn't really seem to see me. I got the feeling she was avoiding my eyes. "If you lose the race tomorrow, what happens to me? I don't want to stay here."
I picked up the saddle from the fence post and placed it on Callistus's back. "We're going to be fine," I said. "I have a plan, remember?"
Once Callistus was saddled, I whispered to him, and then with a nod of his head, I helped Livia get on his back and climbed up behind her on the saddle.
Radulf had begun repairs to the hole I had torn in his courtyard wall, but I blew it open again. If he truly wanted me to use my magic for destruction, then I wouldn't feel any guilt about testing that idea on his new wall.
We rode to Crispus's home with all the speed and fury only a unicorn could provide. Like before, I arrived at the rear of his property where I could more easily hide Callistus.
The crying woman -- the Mistress -- instantly flooded my head again. In only a few days, I had forgotten the torment of hearing her, or perhaps I had convinced myself that no sound on earth could be so desperately sad and afraid and alone. It took only seconds to remember what it was like to have those cries press against my every thought.
"We shouldn't be here," Livia whispered. "If the Praetors weren't watching this land before, surely they are now."
"They're not here." I had already asked Callistus to tell me if he sensed anyone else on this property. If we were still here, then I trusted his instincts. "Besides, the Praetors have a big race tomorrow. They're preparing for that."
"You have a big race too. Why did we come?"
I helped her off Callistus's back, then led her toward the temple ruins. As before, I knelt in front of them, motioning for her to do the same. "I need you to see this," I said.
"See what?"
"This." I closed my eyes and placed a hand flat on the ground. It rumbled beneath my touch, but I didn't move. I trusted the magic as it flowed into the earth.
"Nic?" Her voice was shaking, but she didn't need to be afraid.
"It's all right," I whispered. "It's me doing that."
"No, look. There's a wolf behind us."
I turned and saw the same wolf who had shown me the temple before. I gave Mars's wolf my nod of respect and said to him, "She needs to see it too."
When I looked back at the ruins, the same temple as I'd seen before was there instead. It was small and square and as impressive to me as the first time I'd seen it.
Beside me, Livia was still more concerned about the wolf, understandably. She wasn't looking at the temple at all.
"Sit," I said to the wolf, who did as I asked. Knowing he would obey me seemed to ease her concerns a little. But she scooted in closer anyway.
I directed her attention to the temple and asked, "Do you see it?"
She shook her head. "See what? The rubble?"
I put my hand on the temple, then took hers and placed it next to mine. Her palm landed flat on the marble wall, just as mine did, so I knew she felt it.
"I see it now!" Livia's eyes widened. "It's so beautiful -- how could it only look as rubble before?"
"It's a protection put in place by the gods."
"Protecting what? What is this place?"
"There's a woman inside named Atroxia. She was a vestalis, though now they call her the Mistress." I hesitated a moment and listened for her. "Can you hear her crying?"
Livia shook her head, but I could tell from the sympathy in her eyes that just knowing someone inside was crying bothered her as much as it did me. It was a good thing for her sake that she couldn't hear the woman. Livia's gentle heart would be tortured by it.
"Somewhere here is a lock," I said. "Help me find it."
We started together on one wall and then moved around the temple. We searched high and low for anything that might fit a key. But not only did we fail to find a lock, we also could not find a door. This temple was only made of marble walls, as if they had been built up around the doomed vestalis who had cried herself to sleep.
There was no way to get inside.
Nic? What are you doing here?"
Crispus was walking down the path from his home. His eyes had heavy bags beneath them, and his back was hunched, like he'd spent too long holding himself tall. It was to be expected considering his past few days probably had been far worse than mine. He wore an all-red toga with purple trim, evidence of his mourning for someone who had been important to Rome.
I knew he couldn't see the temple -- to him, it was still only a pile of rubble -- but I moved my body to block the temple walls, as did Livia. We stood there as if we had come to commit some sort of crime. And perhaps we had.
Rather than answer, I asked, "How are you?"
He shrugged. "It's been a bad time. My father wanted his burial done quickly so that his soul could hurry on to the Elysian Fields. So we held the funeral procession yesterday -- Aurelia was very helpful with that because she went through the same thing with her father." He narrowed his eyes. "You weren't there, Nic. You didn't come."
I felt awkward and stupid and selfish to my core. No, I hadn't come, even though I'd known about it, just as I had known about Horatio's elaborate funeral procession. It had been one of the rare times when I was grateful to have the excuse of being locked up in Radulf's home. But that wasn't the case now. I couldn't tell Crispus that I felt at least partially responsible for Horatio's death and even more responsible for Valerius's. If I had been stronger in my magic, or better still, if I didn't draw enemies to me like bears to honey, then they would both be alive. I didn't cause their deaths, but I had not been able to stop them either.
And because I couldn't say any of that to him, instead he was left to believe even worse things about me, that I had missed his father's funeral procession because I cared more about racing chariots. It wasn't that at all. The guilt for being too weak with my magic was overwhelming.
I scuffed my sandal against the ground, something I'd done so often lately it was beginning to wear on the sole. "I'm sorry, Crispus. You're right, I should have been there."
Crispus sniffed and his moist eyes darted away. In response, Livia walked forward with open arms and wrapped them over his shoulders, closing him into an embrace just as my mother used to do when I was young and upset. Crispus responded, folding his arms around her as if he had needed that very thing. I should have been the one to offer him comfort, even if just to have the right words to say. Livia barely knew him. But then, she was so much better at things like this than I ever was.
When they parted, Livia whispered something to him that I couldn't hear even from where I stood. But he smiled a little, so whatever it had been, she had obviously said the words I should have already spoken.
Once Livia had returned to my side, Crispus turned around the cleared field. "I suppose all of this is mine now."
"You have your father's wealth, and one day you'll have his title as well."
Crispus's chuckle was bitter. "No, I won't. I told you before: I am not a politician. I don't enjoy it, and I'm not good at it. In my father's last speech before the Senate, he asked them to take me on as an apprentice, should anything happen to him. After the news of his death was released, it took the senators exactly three hours and twenty-two minutes to convene and vote to reject my father's wishes."
My jaw dropped open. "How can they do that? You're a senator's son! That must entitle you to some respect."
"Oh, it does. They gave me a position that is supposed to carry some authority, just not enough for me to do any harm. I'll be trained to become a judge in the courts. Eventually, I may work my way up to senator, but probably not. I don't like the law any more than I enjoy politics."
"Do you have to accept that position?" I asked.
He shrugged. "No, but what else can I do?"
"What would you do?" Livia asked. "If you had the choice."
"First, I would travel the empire, or even beyond." Obviously, Crispus ha
d already put thought into this. "Did you know Egypt has pyramids that are over two thousand years old? How could their slaves have built them with none of the tools or techniques we have today? In the eastern part of the empire is a palace built to resemble a mountain, with gardens that grow from every ledge. And I'm sure if I went beyond the empire's borders, even greater things could be found in the world."
I smiled back at him. Crispus had been so confined by his duty to his father and the expectations for his future, that I'd never even dreamed he had such ideas.
And Crispus wasn't finished. "When I've seen the world from end to end," he said, "then I would return to Rome and build the greatest monument to the empire the world has ever seen. It would put the amphitheater to shame, or the Pantheon, or the emperor's palace."
"You should do that now," Livia said. "Don't become a judge. Not if you don't want that."
His eyes had lit so much in speaking that they became even sadder now. He sat on a rock and shrugged. "I must honor my father's wishes. I'll become a judge and hope to one day be elected senator."
"Does Aurelia know about this?" I asked. "What did she have to say?"
The one thing I knew about Aurelia was that she always had something to say about everything. The emperor himself could not possibly have as many opinions as Aurelia did.
Crispus threw up his hands in frustration. "She was angry, as you might've guessed. She had the same idea as Livia, that I should do what I want with my life."
"Let's go up to your home and see her," I said. Not only would she help me convince Crispus to live a life of his choosing, but I also genuinely wanted to see her again.
When the vestalis had spoken to me in Diana's grove, she had said some things that bothered me, things I very much wanted to discuss with Aurelia. The vestalis said the Mistress would teach me about love, and that I would teach the Mistress as well. I could not think of how I had anything more to learn about such a basic concept. Even if I did, I was no teacher. But Aurelia would know what to do.
Crispus frowned. "Aurelia's not here anymore."
"Where did she go?"
"Whoever knows where she goes?" he said. "We had a fight this morning about this very subject. She said that once you got your mother back, you would take your family and leave Rome, and that she intended to go with you."
My ears perked up. Aurelia had said that?
"She wants me to leave with you as well."
And as quickly as it had risen, my heart fell again. I had constantly searched my friendship with Aurelia for any chance of finding something more between us. But for every weak possibility I found, there were a dozen more reminders that hope was a futile thing. My friendship was important to Aurelia, but so was her friendship with Crispus. It was time to give up hoping for her.
"Are you coming to the race tomorrow?" Livia asked.
Crispus shook his head. "I can't sit with the other senators, and I don't want to sit alone." His eyes drifted to Livia. "Perhaps you'd sit with me and Aurelia, if she comes back."
"Perhaps," Livia said quietly. It was a significant offer -- the circus was one of the rare public places men and women could sit together.
I had another suggestion. "Come with me," I said to Crispus. "Help me get started in the race."
His expression brightened. "Won't your grandfather be with you?"
"He'll be watching the race," I said. "Please come. I really could use somebody on my side at the gates."
Crispus smiled. "I'll be there, then. But it won't only be me, Nic. A caelo usque ad centrum. Have you heard that phrase before?"
From heaven to the center of earth. Yes, I had heard it. But only once before.
When I nodded, he continued, "If spirits are allowed to wander from the heavens, then my father will be watching you race. He would want you to win tomorrow."
I risked a glance over to the temple, which I could still see perfectly well, even if Crispus could not. But I did not risk smiling -- that was too much -- and quickly looked away. At last I understood how to use the key on a temple without a door. Better yet, I knew what the key was, and that what everyone suspected was true: I'd had it all along.
The crying woman had quieted in my head while Crispus had been talking, but even as her pleas for help filled my thoughts again, one thought still emerged, one which I hope she could hear.
Tomorrow, I would answer her call.
I would open the temple and get the Malice. And claim my freedom at last.
We spent much of that afternoon and evening with Crispus. My reasons were more selfish than I wanted to admit. Certainly, I had forgiven him and Valerius for what they'd done in the amphitheater -- Valerius had more than paid the price for any harm that had come to me as a result of his actions, and Crispus had probably never known of his plans until it was too late. Besides that, the better I understood Crispus, the more I liked him.
He felt bound by duty to his father and remained loyal to Rome, despite all the harm it had done to him. The same could be said of me. At least when Crispus did his duty, whole streets weren't torn to shreds or flooded beneath several feet of water.
And I liked knowing that Crispus had his own dreams, just as I did too. Maybe he and I weren't so different after all.
But that wasn't why I accepted his invitation to stay. The selfish truth was that I had hoped Aurelia would come back. I still wanted to speak with her, more than ever, in fact. Yet suppertime passed and into the evening, she still hadn't returned.
"Your fight was about whether you should become a judge or a builder?" I asked Crispus. "That's all?" Aurelia's temper wasn't this unreasonable.
He hesitated before mumbling, "No, that wasn't all."
"Then what?" Livia asked. Though Livia rarely involved herself in any conversation, she had shown an unusual interest in Aurelia.
Crispus looked at me, then quickly turned away, as if he hadn't intended to look at me in the first place. "We fought about a lot of different things."
No, I doubted that. From Crispus's reaction, I was certain they had only fought over one thing, and that it involved me, though he clearly wasn't going to give any more details.
Once it became too late to hold out any further hope for Aurelia coming, Livia and I stood and thanked Crispus for allowing us to stay.
"I'm glad you did," he replied. "Really, I am. This place feels too big right now."
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She's spending her mourning period in bed," Crispus said. "I understand that, but I can't sit beside her hour after hour. It's depressing. That's not what my father would've wanted."
"I hope she feels better soon," Livia said.
So did I. Mostly because I was still holding on to the guilt for his death, and it didn't help to hear things like that.
We nodded to one another and started out the door, then Crispus put a hand on my shoulder and I turned.
"The fight Aurelia and I had isn't what you think." Crispus spoke quickly, as if the words were forcing themselves out. "It wasn't really even a fight."
"Oh?"
"I explained why you can't offer her marriage. Not now, when things are so dangerous."
I licked my lips, hardly daring to ask. "What did she say?"
"That she isn't afraid of the danger. And she doesn't want you to be afraid either."
Hope leapt inside me, one of the few times in weeks I'd allowed myself to feel this way. "If she waited until this is over --"
"Well, that's the problem. She can't wait. Your old master, Sal, has gone to the courts. His argument is that as the head of the household when Horatio died, he should have the inheritance. Aurelia cannot change her father's will. The courts must rule in Sal's favor. Even if they wanted to help her, the law is clear, and they won't have any choice. Sal will take everything from her, and she'll be back out on the streets."
My fists clenched, and beside me, Livia huffed with anger. This time she hadn't even pretended not to be listening.
"I t
old her I would marry her, just as a favor, and she said no." Crispus pressed his brows together. "Do you care about Aurelia, Nic?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then offer her marriage."
I would have done it a hundred times already, yet I felt panicked at the idea of making her a part of my future when it wasn't at all clear that I had a future. I shook my head. "My life isn't --"
"Whose life is safe? There are no guarantees for any of us, but we have to continue living while the gods allow it."
"That's my point," I said. "I doubt the gods are very happy with me right now."
Crispus stepped closer. "Listen, you'll win the race tomorrow. I'll help you in any way I can -- I owe you that. With that victory, you'll win your life back and then you can repay Aurelia for everything you owe to her."
Though I knew it would never be as easy as he made it sound, I still nodded. My decision was made. First chance I got, I'd speak to Aurelia.
Minutes later, Livia and I walked back down the path toward the open field where Callistus would be waiting. She took my arm and said, "Are you still thinking about Aurelia?"
"I should be thinking about the race tomorrow," I said, which wasn't exactly an answer to Livia's question. "If I don't win, nothing else matters."
"How can I help?" she asked. "Radulf will be in the spine to monitor the race, and Crispus will be at the gates. It seems ridiculous that I'm only in the stands, sitting by uselessly."
We reached Callistus. I helped Livia into the saddle and then followed behind her again. As we rode away, I said, "It's too dangerous to help me, Livia. I can't protect you and drive the chariot too."
"Do you remember when Mother was with us in the mines?"
"She wasn't there for long, I remember." Though I now understood why. She knew she'd be identified with my father, which meant the empire could find me. And although I didn't have magic at the time she left, I'd also learned that magic is drawn to some families more than others. If they had known who I was, the empire would've executed me at once. They still would do it, if Radulf allowed it or if they ever got to me without my magic.
"The night before she left, Mother pulled me aside and told me the empire would try to find you, that it was my job to keep you hidden. I did everything I could for you at the mines, but since we've come to Pater's home, I've been useless. I wander his halls, swim in the baths, and let the servants do my hair -- a job I wouldn't have even been allowed to do for someone else two months ago. The day we escaped, using those lead tablets, I thought this was a chance for me to matter. We'd leave Rome and I would help you, not be a burden that you have to worry about. But now we're back in his home again, and I'm miserable."