“That’s because it didn’t last long. I realized pretty quickly that I was an idiot. Fear can make a smart man do very hurtful things, but eventually the heart wins out because fear is fleeting and love lasts forever. It took me six months to win her back and another six plus an engagement ring before she would let me meet you. She said she could handle me breaking her heart again but there was no way in hell that she was going to let me mess with her little boy’s. She didn’t need to worry. It was love at first sight with you, son. I took one look at you and knew I would do everything in my power to be the best dad I could be for you. I knew that what my dad had taught me didn’t matter, that being a parent was something you could choose to be good at, and could make the effort to get better at every single day. He didn’t want to do the work, I did . . . and still do.”
It was my turn to clear my throat. “You were the best back then, and if Dalen is anything to go by you’re the best now. You didn’t have to keep showing up when things got hard. In fact, I don’t think anyone would have blamed you if you’d bailed.” Well, he probably would have blamed himself like I’d been doing the last ten years and that was a heavy burden to haul around.
He chuckled but there was no humor in it. “You don’t think I wanted to, Dash? I was a county cop in a small town with two kids that had just lost their mom. I lost the love of my life and didn’t have anyone to turn to. There were times I would be on patrol and think about driving and driving until Lowry and everything that was here was behind me. There are nights I don’t remember getting you kids to bed and there are entire days I can’t recall. I started doing stuff at work that had my bosses threatening to put me on a desk. I wasn’t living for me, and I was hardly showing up for you kids. Thank the Lord Elma was there because there’s a good chance I would have screwed everything up and lost you both.”
Again I couldn’t remember any of that. After Mom died I was in my own youthful fog of grief and misery. I’d also had my hands full with a little brother that needed constant care and supervision. Plus, I was a new teenager and dealing with puberty that hit like a Mack Truck. Sure, Jules had maybe been a little more distant, a little less affectionate than he typically was, but I figured that was how real men, how men like him, dealt with the loss of a loved one.
“It was Caroline who pointed out how much I had to lose. I brought Dalen in for a checkup and he was underweight, he needed his nails trimmed, and he had cradle cap. She yelled at me, told me that it was awful I’d lost my wife but my son was still here. I still had the opportunity to hold him in my arms, and if I didn’t get my head out of my ass I was going to lose that.” A soft grin touched his mouth as he spoke about his second wife. “It was a wake-up call I desperately needed because I had checked out, son. I was physically here, but mentally . . .” He blew out a breath and pointed to the stars. “I was long gone.”
He cut another look at me. “I didn’t want to fall for Caroline. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I had my boys and my work and I was happy with that. When she started to pursue me I resisted.” He gave me a look with a lifted eyebrow that told me without words he clearly remembered my resistance when he entered my life. “I remember when Caroline was pulled out of school when she was initially diagnosed. She was a few grades younger than me and I remembered thinking it was impossible for someone so young to be so sick. But like I said, love will always outlast fear.”
He didn’t talk about being afraid like it was something to be ashamed of. He didn’t talk about the fear like it was something that made him, or me, weak. He talked about it like it was a fact of life and we had to learn how to live with it, and the hurtful things it made us do, just like we had to live with the fact we couldn’t pick the person our hearts settled on.
“I loved her when I didn’t want to and I don’t regret a minute of it. What I do regret, son, is the same thing you now regret. I regret the time that I allowed fear to steal from me. I regret every second, every minute, every hour I let fear keep me from your mom all the way to when I was younger up until she let me back into her life. I regret every moment of time I lost with Caroline because I was terrified of something I had no control over. She would have been sick with or without us and I thank God every day that she got to spend the last years of her life with our family because we were the only thing she wanted and she gave us back everything we lost and then some.”
I felt a ball of emotion lodge in my throat. I had to blink my eyes because they stung. My hands curled around the arms of the chair so tightly the plastic groaned in protest.
“I hated when you left, son. I hated it for you and I hated it for us. You should have been here so I could watch you become the man you are today, Dash, but you let fear take that away from you, and you let fear keep that from the rest of us. It’s up to you if you’re going to let fear take even more from you.” He reached out a hand and put it on my shoulder. “Make good choices, son.” That seemed to be his favorite bit of advice now that I was back home.
I ground my teeth together and when my voice made it past the lump in my throat it sounded like sandpaper scraping over razors. “I was scared. I was scared something was going to happen to you, to Dalen . . . to Elma. Everyone I ever cared about went away and it really fucking hurt. I thought it would be easier if I was the one that went away. I took myself somewhere where things are always bad so when shit went south it wasn’t a surprise. It didn’t feel like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest because over there . . .” I shook my head. “Bad is all you know.”
I sighed and lifted up a hand so that the moonlight made my skin glow. There was always a light in the darkness if you opened your eyes and looked for it.
“It took longer than I would have liked but you’re finding your way to where you need to be, son.”
I was but that was only because one perky redhead had burst into my life and lit the way. I threw my head back, not thinking about the fact I was still on two legs of the chair, and gave a surprised shout as the entire thing started to topple backwards. The sky swirled starry and black before my eyes as I braced for the impact of my head hitting the hard wooden surface of the deck.
But my fall was halted mid-crash by a strong hand on the back of the chair. Like it and I weighed nothing Jules latched on to the back slats of the chair and hauled me back to a seated position.
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and watched as he bent down to pick up his cigar.
“Thanks . . . Dad.” The man had never let me down, never let me fall, and he refused to let me be less than the man he’d raised me to be. It’d taken almost thirty years, two moms, a little brother, and realizing that even though I didn’t want to and was terrified of it, I was falling in love with a girl that I didn’t want to hurt more than I wanted to protect myself to get the words out of me. With him, I’d never had to earn the title of son. I was a real asshole for ever making him feel like he needed to earn the title Dad. It was who he had been the minute he entered my life.
The cigar quirked between his lips, and in true Jules fashion, even though what had just happened was monumental and life changing, he acted like it was no big deal.
“Anytime. Sometimes you gotta let your kids fall and remind them that you’ll be there to pick them up. And sometimes you gotta step in and keep them from hitting the ground in the first place.”
There was one fall he couldn’t prevent or help me up from. That was the fall that had started when I walked into the bar and felt the warmth of the sun after what felt like a lifetime spent in the frigid cold. Slipping, sliding, skidding, tripping, tumbling, flailing . . . falling into love with Dixie Carmichael.
Chapter 17
Dixie
I was surprised that I was up and ready to go before Church the next morning. I’d felt him leave the bed sometime last night but hadn’t awoken when he returned. It was the best feeling in the world to wake up sheltered in his arms, wrapped up in his strength like he didn’t have any intention of letting me go. The
feeling was quickly chased away by the disappointment that all too soon he wasn’t going to simply let me go, he was going to push me away.
Not wanting to wake him I took my time sliding out of his grasp and almost couldn’t make a clean escape because the more I moved the more his hand tangled in my hair where it was caught. He mumbled something in his sleep and eventually rolled to his side, his normally fierce expression softened in sleep and making him look almost approachable . . . almost.
I snagged a pair of jeans and a tank top from my meager wardrobe and tiptoed into the bathroom to get dressed and tame my hair for the day. I could hear the other Churchill men up and about when I was done brushing my teeth, so I wandered into the kitchen, where the sounds of masculine chatter and early morning preparations for the day were coming from. Jules was at the stove flipping pancakes and telling a sullen-looking Dalen that there was no time like the present for him to learn that actions, no matter how insignificant they may seem, all had consequences. Dalen was grumbling under his breath about how the game this weekend was vital to the team, and Jules flatly informed him that next time he decided to skip school he might want to consider who else he would be letting down if he got caught breaking the rules.
I took a seat at the counter on one of the high-backed stools next to Church’s younger brother and gave him a sympathetic look. His eyes were a startling shade of purple with a halo of yellow and green on the outside. The cut in his lip had scabbed over but the skin around it was still red and angry-looking. The scrape on the side of his head looked sore and the bandage he had slapped over it was doing little to camouflage the damage. I bumped his shoulder with my own and gave him an “Ouch.”
He returned with a lopsided grin that made him wince. “Yeah. Getting out of bed this morning wasn’t any fun, but Dad is still insisting we meet with the coach and the principal.” He narrowed his eyes at his dad’s back and pouted with pure teenaged ire.
It made me laugh and had Jules turning to look at me over his shoulder with a knowing grin. “Dash said you aren’t typically an early riser, so I only made enough for the human garbage disposal sitting next to you, but I can whip up a couple more if you’re hungry.”
I shook my head but gladly took the mug of coffee Dalen poured for me and pushed my way. “I think I’ll go and see if Elma needs help with breakfast. She has her first physical therapy session today, and I want to be around for moral support.”
Dalen lifted an eyebrow at me and then groaned when the action pulled at his bruised face. “You’re like a cheerleader for things that happen in real life.”
My lips twitched as I lifted the mug up and took a sip. “Sometimes the day-to-day things are the hardest. We take being able to do them without struggle for granted. I’m happy to offer a little bit of encouragement when it’s needed.”
Jules turned around and placed a stack of pancakes in front of Dalen that had my jaw dropping open. It looked like something that would be on one of those outrageous eating competition shows but Dalen dug in like this was an everyday occurrence and not a meal fit to feed the entire offensive line of the Denver Broncos.
“I’m sure Elma will appreciate the company, but you should wait until Dash is awake to take you over there. He gave me a heads-up that your recent troubles might be an overly amorous suitor. I put calls in to see what we have on them in the system, but until we hear back, you should probably avoid being out in the wild alone.”
I stiffened and looked at him over the top of the coffee. “Okay.”
Jules nodded and lifted his hands so that he could smooth his fingers over either side of his goatee. “Elma’s had a pretty rough go of it here the last few weeks and she is looking at a long road to recovery. I hate to ask, but if you can avoid mentioning that things are a little bit unpredictable right now I would appreciate it. She spent the last ten years worrying herself sick over my stubborn son, I’d like her to be able to focus on getting better and not the fact trouble followed the boy home.”
I set the coffee mug down on the counter and rested my chin in the hand of the arm that had my elbow propped up on the surface. “I won’t go into details but she’s sharp as a tack. She told me yesterday that she knew something wasn’t right and she saw Dalen’s face last night. It’s pretty obvious things haven’t been smooth sailing since Church and I got to town.”
“She’d be fit to be tied if she knew someone was after you and that they were willing to hurt my boys to get at you. She’s wanted Dash home since the minute he left. She’s also wanted that boy to find his happy since we lost his mom and let’s be honest, Curly Sue, you’re probably the best shot he’s got at it.”
I blinked at the older man and had to take a second to find my breath. I wanted to be Church’s happy forever, not just his happy for now, but he hadn’t given me a single sign he was on the same page as I was. “Well, he deserves some happiness, you all do, after everything you’ve been through. I’m glad I can give him a little bit of it while we’re together.”
Jules braced himself on the counter across from me with his arms crossed against his uniformed chest. His dark eyebrows quirked upwards and his mouth tugged into that grin that had to break hearts from miles away. “I think it’s easy for folks to forget that sometimes it’s far harder to have a smile ready than it is to find a frown. You should find your happy, too, Dixie girl.”
The man was far too perceptive for my own good. “I am happy.” And I was most days. It was the days when I got swallowed up by everyone else’s wants and needs and forgot to focus on my own that I felt like I was missing out on a little something. I was a caretaker by nature, but the care I allowed for myself often paled in comparison to that which I offered others. “I have a lot to be thankful for and I get to have a hand in making sure that the people I care the most about are living their best lives. There isn’t much more to happiness for me than that.” Sure, I would be elated to finally have the dreams I’d been hoarding for a lifetime come true but just like I couldn’t be Church’s reason to find his happy, I couldn’t hold him accountable for mine. I was going to have to go out and live my best life without him, even if I wasn’t sure that was possible. Even before we were romantically involved my heart had beat stronger, my soul had shined brighter, and my life had been more full and interesting simply by having him in it. Once he was gone I knew there were going to be a lot of stormy days in my future but the truth was the rain was never able to stop the sun from shining for very long.
“Enough of this boring grown-up talk. I’m going to have to sit through hours of lectures and real talk once the coach gets his hands on me. Can we go so I can get it over with?”
Dalen’s surly tone broke the somber mood between his father and me, so it seemed like a perfect way to end the conversation. I grabbed my phone and some shoes from the bedroom, surprised Church was still out like a light. I was leaning over to give him a kiss on that tempting mouth when his eyes popped open and I found myself lost in a swirling labyrinth of color and confusion. Those eyes weren’t dark and haunted first thing in the morning. They blazed with a million emotions I couldn’t name and a few that I wanted so desperately to be something he hadn’t even hinted at.
“Mornin’.” His eyelids fluttered slightly and all the muscles in his chest stretched and flexed as he lifted his arms above his head. The sight made my mouth water and had me pondering putting our visit to Elma Mae on the back burner when Church’s phone rang from somewhere off to the side of the bed.
I lowered my lips to his shoulder as he swiped the screen and put the device to his ear. I let my fingers trip and tickle across his smooth skin with a grin as he lifted an eyebrow and gave me a warning look. I had my mind on payback until he stiffened and reached up a hand to push my hair off my face with a shake of his head.
“Is she okay?” I went still at his question and frowned as a serious look pulled tight across his features. “Give us five minutes and we’ll be over.”
He tossed the phone onto the bed and
swung his long legs over the side. “Is everything okay?”
He looked down at me as he snatched up a pair of jeans and shoved his long legs into them. “That was Elma’s home care nurse. Apparently she fell this morning in the bathroom. She’s refusing to go back to the doctor. The nurse asked me to come over and talk to her.”
“Oh no.” The words whispered worriedly between us. I was worried about Elma, but in all honesty I was more worried about Church. He wouldn’t take something happening to the older woman well. He would see it as more evidence that every time he let someone get close, something bad worked its way in to harm them. “Well, I’m the new guy, so I have no problem going head to head with her if it’s for her own good.” I could do tough love for the cause because it was still love and that was sort of my specialty.
“The nurse said she’s in a mood, so you can stay here if you want. I got this.”
I reached out a hand and put it on the center of his back as he sat down on the edge of the bed in order to tug his boots on. “I know you have this, but I’m here and I want to help you with it.”
He looked at me over his shoulder and the corners of his lips twitched as he reached around to snag my wrist so that he could pull me flush against his warm skin. “Always trying to fix everything, aren’t you, pretty girl?”
I gulped a little and kissed his shoulder again. “I mean, I have to try.”
“No, you don’t, but you always do. That makes you something pretty special, Dixie.” He let me go and bent over so he could snag a shirt off the floor. “You can come with me, but Elma is stubborn, so if she’s in a mood I might have to pick her up and put her in the car and force her to go see the doctor if she’s hurt.”
I cleared my throat and slid off the bed. “You’ll take care of her. That’s what you do, and that’s what makes you special, Church.”