“Justin, this whole thing is my responsibility. What is anyone else gonna really do for me?”
“Has your mother even come to visit?”
“She came to the hospital when Bea was born, but she didn’t offer to stay to help. She’s more concerned with things like traveling to Cancun with her boyfriend and hawking those multi-colored leggings all over the Internet, apparently. You know, priorities.”
“Unfuckingbelievable.” He looked around the house then said, “Nana would have helped.”
“Yes, she would have.” I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking of my grandmother before my thoughts shifted to my mother again. “As for Patricia, I don’t want her with me anyway. Having to deal with her would be like taking care of two babies. ”
“She should still have the decency to offer help, even if you refused.”
“I agree.”
He scratched his head. “I forgot to bring my coffee with me. Do you have any lying around?”
“Actually, I stopped drinking coffee fusion when I found out I was pregnant. The withdrawal was killer. I do have some half-caf in the cupboard.”
“I guess that’ll have to do for now.” He glanced over at Bea. “You don’t think all that fusion did anything to her, do you?”
“You mean why her sleeping is erratic?”
“I feel guilty getting you hooked on that shit. Neither of us knew what was going on.”
“Don’t even. It wasn’t your fault. Look at her. She’s fine.”
He rubbed his chin and grinned. “Yeah. She seems alright.”
“I’m gonna try to put her upstairs in the crib. Then, I’ll come down and make some coffee.”
“I’ve got it,” Justin said.
“You sure?”
“Yep.”
After I put Bea down, Justin was preparing two mugs when I returned to the kitchen.
“Still take cream and sugar?” he asked.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“How is she?”
“Sleeping like a baby.”
“Good.” He slid my mug toward me.
I took a sip and asked the question I’d been dying to. “Why didn’t Jade come with you?”
“She’s got a regular role in a new musical called The Alley Cats. She can’t leave the city.”
“She’s not coming at all?”
“I’m not sure.”
“How long are you staying?”
He stirred his coffee and shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Dread filled me. Justin had only been here one day, and I was already sad for the day he’d be leaving me alone again.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here.”
We drank coffee in silence until I noticed Justin staring down at my breasts.
Coughing, he asked, “Did you spill coffee on yourself?”
I looked down and sure enough, breast milk was leaking from my nipples, forming two giant wet spots. “Shit. No. I’m leaking milk. I’d go change, but it’s just gonna happen again until she wakes up.”
“Jesus. I’m so glad I’m not a woman.”
God. I’m glad you’re not a woman, too.
“Welcome to my life.” When he continued to look down, I joked, “You don’t have to look. My eyes are up here.”
“Your tits are massive. You have to know that.”
“Oh, I’m quite aware. It’s a supply and demand issue. The more she drinks—which is all the time—the more I make. It’s all she wants to do when she’s awake.”
“I can’t say I blame her.”
I knew my face was turning red. What was happening to me? I couldn’t be a walking zombie on no sleep and deal with this infatuation again. I didn’t even feel sexy anymore. Nevertheless, I was falling right back into the pattern of lusting after this man.
“Well, even though my breasts are bigger, I’ve lost weight.”
“Oh, I noticed. You haven’t been eating?”
“Not as well as I should. I force myself to eat cheese sticks and raw vegetables, but I’m generally too drained to cook anything substantial.”
“When was the last time you had a home-cooked meal?”
“Can’t even remember. The only times I’ve bothered to cook is when the neighbor brings me seafood from the dock.”
“What neighbor?”
“Roger.”
“Roger.”
“Yes. He moved into the house that was vacant last summer. You know, the blue one?”
“Really…” He glared at me. “What else does he bring you?”
“Coffee sometimes.”
“Let me guess. He’s single.”
“Yes…divorced, but he’s just a friend. He’s been helpful. He actually assembled the crib for me.”
“Right. Of course he did. No guy does that shit without an ulterior motive, Amelia.”
“Not every guy’s the same.”
“And not every fucking girl looks like you. Trust me, that guy is waiting in the wings. Just be aware of that and be cautious.”
Feeling hot from the compliment, I cleared my throat. “Well, it wouldn’t matter if he had ulterior motives or not. Clearly, I’m in no condition to be with a man. I can’t even bathe half the time.”
“You shouldn’t be letting strange men into this house so easily. You’re in a very vulnerable position right now. This guy knows that.”
“Well, I was desperate for help, so…”
“You should have called me.”
“You’re in New York. That wouldn’t have made sense. He’s right next door.”
“I would have come for the day if you needed me.”
“I don’t want to be a burden on you, Justin. I need to find my own way.” Even though a part of me loved that he’d said that, another part was equally confused. “Just last summer you were suggesting that we avoid each other altogether.” My tone was bitter. “Forgive me if you weren’t the first person I thought to call when I needed help.”
His expression darkened. “Fuck, Amelia. Really? You’re gonna bring that up again? Do you really think that was what I truly wanted? I was drunk as shit that night and saying and doing anything I could to keep my fucking dick in my pants. I thought I already explained suggesting that to you was a mistake.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.” I held out my hands. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Good.” He exhaled and changed the subject. “So, I told Salvatore I could play a few nights here and there if he wanted. But I didn’t commit to anything long term.”
“Because you’re not sure how long you’re staying?”
“Right.”
“Well, he must be so happy to have you back even if just for a few nights.”
“Yeah. He was.”
“I wish I could go watch you play.”
“Why can’t you?”
“I can’t take Bea to Sandy’s. She’d start crying in the middle of your songs. And if I had to feed her there, it would be awkward.”
“So what if she cried? People will just have to deal with it. And you could go to the back room to feed her. You need to get the fuck out of the house.”
“Maybe I’ll consider it.”
He suddenly got up and put his mug in the sink. “I’ve got to get some work done. I’ll make dinner tonight, so don’t fill up on too many raw veggies.”
“That’ll be awesome.”
***
Bea slept for at least a few hours that afternoon, allowing me to get laundry and other chores done. Justin spent most of the day holed up in his room working.
When he finally came downstairs, he had just showered and was buttoning his black button-down shirt.
He looked too good to be staying home tonight. “Are you playing at Sandy’s?”
“No. Not tonight.”
“I didn’t think so. It’s just that you’re all dressed up.”
“You remember Tom from Sandy’s?”
“The old night manager?”
“Yeah. I told him I might meet him
for a drink later at the Barking Crab. He wants to pick my brain about some music stuff.”
“I see.”
“Why don’t you go upstairs and change before dinner?”
“We’re just eating here, right?”
“Yes, but you have boob milk stains on your shirt. I just thought maybe you’d want to shower and change.”
He was right. I needed to have more pride in how I looked.
“I would love to.”
Justin looked after Bea while I showered. I decided to go all out and put on a tube dress. I brushed my hair out and made up my eyes. It kind of felt like I was getting ready for a date, and I needed to stop that train of thought.
I thought I would find Justin cooking when I returned downstairs. I’d told him to put her in the bouncy seat. Instead, he was holding Bea and rocking back and forth, looking out the window. He didn’t know I’d been watching him.
“I’m back.”
“Oh, hey. She didn’t want to go in the seat, started crying, so we’ve just been watching the sunset.” My heart clenched.
“You need to cook, right?”
“Yeah, but it won’t take very long.”
I reached out my arms, and to my surprise, Bea started to cry in protest when I tried to take her from him. Patting her back, I said, “I don’t think she wanted to leave you.”
“No. It’s just your imagination.”
“Really? Want to test it?” I held her out toward him again.
Justin cradled her in his arms again, and sure enough, Bea stopped crying. She was looking up at him. It seemed the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
“My imagination, huh?”
He smiled down at her. “I don’t know why she likes me. I don’t even do anything but hold her.”
“To a baby, that’s everything.”
Suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, he handed her back to me. “You’d better take her.”
Back in my grasp, Bea started to fuss again, so I took her to the living room and fed her while Justin got dinner started.
There was a knock at the door.
“Are you expecting someone?” Justin hollered from the kitchen.
“No. Do you mind getting it? She’s still eating.” I readjusted the blanket over my shoulder for privacy.
I couldn’t see the front door from where I was sitting, but I could hear everything.
“Who are you?”
“I’m Roger. I live next door. You are?”
Shit.
“Justin. This is my house.”
“Oh, that’s right. She mentioned a seasonal roommate.”
“Can I help you?”
“Is Amelia here?”
“Yes, but she’s feeding the baby.”
“I was just down at the dock. I bought her some shellfish.”
“Amelia! Roger is here. He brought you some snatch,” Justin yelled.
Great.
Covering myself as fast as I could, I shouted, “Coming!”
Trying to seem nonchalant, I said, “Hey!”
“Hi, Amelia. Sorry if I’m disturbing something.”
“No, no not at—”
“Actually, we were just about to eat,” Justin interrupted.
Roger looked annoyed. “How long are you staying, Justin?”
“As long as I need to.”
“Amelia told me your girlfriend is a Broadway star, right?”
“Yes.”
“That’s really gnarly.”
“Gnarly? What the fuck are you a surfer or something?” Justin lifted his hands in a shaka sign. “Woe!”
“Roger, don’t mind Justin. That was really sweet of you to bring the crabs. I so appreciate it.”
“Crabs…interesting choice,” Justin scoffed.
“I’d better let you guys eat.”
“We’ll talk soon.” I smiled.
“Take care, Amelia. Nice meeting you, Justin.”
Justin did a little salute. “Roger that!”
When Justin slammed the door behind Roger, I turned to him. “You’re being a total prick.”
“Come on. I was just messing with him.”
“You think it’s funny, but he’s the only friend I have here, and you’re going to scare him away. After you take off to New York again, I’m going to need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely out here.”
“You don’t need that tool. Why would you need him? You live in Providence anyway.”
Biting my lip, I said, “Actually…I was gonna talk to you about something.”
“About what?”
“I might take a year off…from my teaching job. I got kicked out of my apartment because the owner sold the building. I don’t have a place to live in the city anymore, and I’m not sure I’m ready to put Bea in daycare at the end of the summer. I was going to ask you if it was okay if I stay in this house in the off season.”
“This house is yours. Of course, it’s okay. I would never tell you otherwise. You shouldn’t even have to ask.”
“Alright. Well, now that I got that out of the way, I feel better. Thank you.”
“Dinner’s ready. Put her down so you can eat.”
Justin had poured wine for each of us.
“Oh…I can’t drink, Justin.”
“Shit. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Well, they say I can have one drink, but I’ve still been hesitant.”
“That’s fine. It won’t go to waste.”
Justin had made rice casserole. We were halfway through our meal when Bea started crying from her bouncy seat. When I got up to get her, Justin stopped me.
“Finish your food. I’ve got her.”
“He lifted her and brought her over to the table. As always, she quieted in his arms as she stretched her neck to look up at his face. This time, she reached out her little hand and started to play with his scruff.
“Hey, you trying to say I need to shave?”
Watching him with her always gave me goosebumps.
Don’t go there, Amelia.
Bea started to babble. It almost looked like she was trying to talk to him.
Justin pretended to understand her. “Oh yeah?” When she passed gas, he didn’t even flinch. He just said, “Well, excuse me!”
The whole thing was making me crack up.
After I finished, I took her back from him and fed her on the couch while Justin cleaned up the kitchen. Bea fell back asleep after her meal.
When Justin joined us in the living room, it occurred to me that he’d had plans to go out.
“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Tom for a drink?”
“Nah. I think I’m gonna skip it. I’m playing tomorrow night. I’ll probably meet up with him after that instead.”
His phone vibrated and he answered, “Hey.”
I wasn’t completely sure who he was talking to until he looked over at me and said, “Jade says hi.”
“Hi, Jade.” I smiled, even though inside I was starting to feel that old familiar jealousy creep in again. Maybe it was a good thing that she called when she did, because a reality check was desperately needed.
Then, he walked away to finish the call in the other room.
When he returned, he said, “I have to go back to New York this weekend.”
My heart felt like it dropped to my stomach. “Oh. Just for the weekend?”
“Maybe a little longer.”
CHAPTER 12
It was Friday night, and Justin had already left for his gig at Sandy’s. He was supposed to be leaving early the next morning to head back to New York. While I’d originally told him I wouldn’t be going to see him perform, I was seriously second-guessing my decision. Who knew if and when he’d be back? After all, he’d come for some alone time only to find Bea and I wreaking havoc on his life. I’m not sure I would choose to return if I were him.
I suddenly turned to Bea. “Do you want to go see Uncle Justin play?”
“Will you promise to be good?”
I pla
ced her in the crib before impulsively tearing my clothes off, worried that if I didn’t hurry up, I’d wuss out and decide to stay home. I put on a red dress that I hadn’t worn since before I was pregnant and slipped breast pads inside my bra to avoid wet spots. I styled my hair into loose curls and applied my makeup. Within minutes, Bea and I were dressed and in the car.
Returning to Sandy’s gave me the jitters. I hadn’t been back since last summer. I was also inexplicably nervous for Justin to see me in the audience when I’d already told him I wouldn’t be there.
He was in the middle of a song I didn’t recognize. As usual, the crowd was transfixed on him with women creeping up closer and closer to the front just to be near him and get a better look at his beautiful face while he sang. It was always so emotional for me to watch him perform. Thankfully, Bea was behaving in her carrier, allowing me to soak in every moment of being here.
I made my way to the mahogany bar to say hello to Rick the bartender who gave me a glass of seltzer on the house. Relaxing in my seat, I closed my eyes and cherished the sound of Justin singing as he began a cover of Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. That haunting song seemed made for his voice. When I felt my eyes getting watery, I cursed at myself. Why did I always get so sentimental whenever he sang? It just always felt like every word of every song had meaning and could somehow be applied to my experiences with him.
Sure enough, halfway through the song, Bea started to cry. This was not the kind of song that masked the frenzied cries of an infant very well. A lot of heads were turning toward me. There were whispers, probably people wondering why I’d brought a baby to this kind of establishment in the first place.
Hot flashes permeated my body. Even though he continued through the song flawlessly, Justin’s gaze travelled over to my corner of the room. Our eyes locked. I was mortified for having interrupted this beautiful song. When it finished, I started to head toward the back room. Justin gestured with his hand to tell me to stay. I continued down the hall anyway until his voice through the mic stopped me in my tracks.
“So that baby you hear crying is actually special to me. Her name is Bea. Her mom is Amelia, who’s also special to me—one of my oldest friends. Anyway, would you believe that this is Amelia’s very first night out since Bea was born more than three months ago? Amelia didn’t want to come here tonight. She was afraid that people would stare at her if the baby started crying. I told her not to worry, that the people here were kinder and more understanding than that. She didn’t take my word for it, but she took a chance and came anyway. Believe me when I say…she hasn’t had it easy. She’s doing a hell of a job raising that little baby all by herself. I think she deserves a night out, don’t you?”