You think you are alone,
Until you hear that little moan.
She likes to watch.
Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.
She’ll catch you naked and exposed,
When you think the door is closed.
She’s a princess and a voyeur,
Curiosity will destroy her.
Maybe therapy will heal ya,
It’s not too late for you, Amelia.
She likes to watch.
Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.
And my kinky little friend,
Insists on staying till the end.
She likes to watch.
Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.
When the song eventually ended, the crowd went wild. They apparently loved the idea behind it. Did he really have to put my name in there? A part of me was mortified, but I had to admit, there was another part of me that was…relieved. His writing the song was a little reminder of the way things used to be.
When I finally garnered the courage to look over at him, he flashed a mischievous smile before moving right into the next song. I’m sure he could tell by the look on my face that he’d successfully managed to embarrass me.
Well played.
***
Back at the house that night, Justin retreated to his room without as much as one word to me. It felt a little strange knowing that we were alone for the first time without Jade. The feeling was short-lived though.
At eleven the next morning, I was still in bed when I heard the front door open. I could hear the muffled sounds of Jade and Justin’s voices as she joined him in their bedroom. She must have left the city really early in the morning to come back here.
As much as I really liked Jade, something was unsettling about her return. There was always an underlying jealousy that I couldn’t help feeling. When the bed started creaking, nausea set in.
Damn.
She was home all of three minutes before pouncing on him. I couldn’t say I blamed her one bit, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I covered my head with my pillow, shut my eyes and reminded myself that they would both be gone in a few weeks.
Three weeks.
Around noon, I threw on a terry cloth sundress before joining Justin and Jade downstairs. The sun pouring into the kitchen was blinding.
Justin smirked and lifted the carafe. “Coffee?”
I flashed an exaggerated smile. “You know what? Yes. I would love some.”
Determined to continue my façade about loving Justin’s coffee, I refused to back down. Sadly, my body was becoming accustomed to the unusually high level of caffeine. The one morning I’d skipped it, the regular coffee hadn’t done the trick. I was becoming addicted to Justin’s coffee fusion, and that really sucked.
“So, how was Sandy’s last night? Did my baby rock the house?”
“He was amazing. Everyone loved him.”
Justin’s eyes met mine for a brief moment. I wanted him to know that I sincerely meant that.
He brushed it off. “It was fine. It’ll give me something to do to pass the time here.”
“What did you play?”
“I tried out a new song.”
I swallowed.
“The one you played for me the other night?” she asked.
“No. A different one.”
It dawned on me that Justin probably chose to perform She Likes To Watch last night in particular only because Jade wasn’t there. It still baffled me that he was keeping the whole incident to himself when he could have just told her and embarrassed the shit out of me.
He smiled at me. “Want a refill, Amelia?”
I smiled bigger. “Don’t mind if I do. This stuff is really growing on me. Quite a surprise.”
“Well, I know you love surprises.”
I rolled my eyes at him. Thankfully, Jade had no way of knowing what he was referring to.
His serving me coffee continued to be a running joke. He thought I was drinking the mud to spite him. The joke was on him. He didn’t realize I was becoming addicted to it and actually truly wanted it. The morning coffee exchange was the only real opportunity for normal communication with him anyway, so I took what I could get.
Jade raked her fingers through Justin’s messy morning hair. “I noticed Olivia commented on your Instagram post last night.”
Looking upset, he moved Jade’s hand off of him. “Jade…don’t.”
I had to ask. “Who’s Olivia?”
“Justin’s ex. She works in the music industry and is really annoying. She comments on all his stuff, even though she knows he has a girlfriend. So disrespectful.”
“I can’t help that she comments on my shit,” he growled.
I was sure there were many former girlfriends.
Olivia.
Huh.
Was I seriously jealous of someone else now, too, when I had no right to be jealous at all? That was pretty pathetic. My jealousy when it came to him was certainly nothing new.
My inability to handle these feelings was a big factor in my moving away and ultimately changed the course of our lives.
***
Ten Years Earlier
“I don’t like it when they start playing these games.”
Justin whispered in my ear, “We don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to, Patch.” His hot breath caused a shiver to run down my spine.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
A group of kids from school were hanging out in Brian Bosley’s basement. From time to time, Brian would suggest that we all start playing Truth or Spin. It was a combination of Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle. Brian would select the “victims” as he called them. He would ask a question, and if the person pleaded the fifth, refusing to answer, Brian would spin the green Heineken bottle. The victim would then have to kiss whomever the bottle pointed toward. The kiss needed to last a full minute; that was the rule.
It was fun to watch as long as neither of us got called upon. Part of the deal in getting invited back to Brian’s was to play along with his games. Somehow, neither Justin nor I had ever gotten picked upon to participate the last couple of times we came here.
“Banks.”
My heart dropped when I heard Justin’s name.
“Yeah?”
“You’re up.”
“Shit,” Justin muttered under his breath.
He flashed me a worried look before Brian posed the question.
“Question. Do you, or do you not secretly want to bone Amelia?”
My best friend’s face turned red. I don’t think I had ever seen it that color before. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe Brian asked him that, and I was truly scared of the answer, whichever way it went.
He shook his head. “Pass.”
Brian sounded surprised at Justin’s refusal. “Pass? Are you sure?”
“Pass.”
“Alright, then.” Brian wasted no time bending down to spin the bottle. The glass spun around, scraping across the laminate basement floor before coming to a stop.
“Oh! You’re not-so-lucky victim is…Sophie!”
Justin looked at me. The worry in his eyes was tangible, but he knew he had to go through with it.
“One minute,” Brian reminded.
Sophie, who’d been sitting on the ground, slithered toward him. I watched, devastated, as Justin pressed his lips into hers. She opened her mouth wide and wrapped her hands around the back of his head, pulling him harder into her and practically eating his face. I always knew she liked him.
It felt like my heart was slowly breaking with every second that passed. That was the longest minute of my life. It was the first time the jealousy monster had reared its ugly head to that extent. It was also the first realization of how strong my feelings for him really were.
When the minute was up, Justin wiped his lips with the back of his hand and came back over to me. I wouldn’t even look at him. I knew I shouldn’t have been mad, bu
t my feelings were out of my control.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I continued to look down at my shoes. “Let’s just go.”
He followed me. “Patch…it’s just a game.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
We started the quiet and awkward walk home. I stopped suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk and turned to him. “Why didn’t you just answer the question?”
He just looked at me for the longest time before admitting, “I didn’t know what to say.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I said no, your feelings would have been hurt. If I said yes…then things would be weird between us. And I don’t want that. Ever.”
“Was she your first kiss?”
He hesitated, looking up at the dark sky, then whispered, “No.”
I shook my head and started to walk ahead of him. It felt like I didn’t know him anymore.
“Patch, come on. Don’t do this.”
Tears started falling. I was crying, and I couldn’t even pinpoint exactly why. That was the first time I realized that I’d fallen in love with him. I loved Justin. More than a friend, more than anything. I was so mad at myself.
My biggest fear was losing him. It hit me that it was going to happen someday.
Maybe it was already happening.
CHAPTER 5
A week later, and Justin had practically become a local star in Newport overnight. The crowd at Sandy’s was nearly double what it had been before he became the nightly entertainment. Of course, the newest patrons were primarily young women who had heard about the hot new headlining guitarist.
One late afternoon, Jade and I were just headed out the door to work when her cell phone rang. “Shit. Hold up. It’s my agent,” she said.
I waited in the doorway for her to take the call.
After a few seconds, her hands started trembling. “You’re kidding. You’re kidding!” Jumping up and down, she covered her mouth. “Oh my God. Oh my God! Yes, of course, I can.” Finally, she just let out a yelp of excitement. “Thank you, Andy. Thank you for letting me know! Oh my God. So, what’s next? Okay. Okay. I’ll call you tonight,” she said before hanging up.
“What’s going on?”
Jade let out a scream of joy and pulled me into a hug, her boney frame pressing against my ample chest.
“I got the part of understudy for a pretty big role in The Phenomenals…on Broadway! It was one of the two auditions I had last week. I had thought it was a longshot. My agent wasn’t even going to send me initially!” When she let out another loud squeal, Justin came downstairs.
“What the hell is going on down here?”
She ran toward him and threw herself into his arms. “Baby! I got understudy for the role of Veronica in The Phenomenals!”
“Are you kidding? Holy shit. That’s fucking awesome!” He lifted her up in the air and spun her around.
Feeling awkward and like a third wheel, I cleared my throat and said, “Congratulations, Jade. I’m so happy for you!”
Justin finally put her down. “When does this all go down?”
“They want me in New York in a couple of days.”
He looked frazzled. “Aw, shit. Alright…um…I wish I hadn’t committed to that gig at Sandy’s. I would have just gone back with you.”
“It’s okay. It’s only a couple more weeks that you promised him, right? It’ll go by fast.”
“Yeah.”
Jade smiled. “Be nice to Amelia.”
***
From the moment Jade left, Justin made even more of an effort to stay in his room during the day and also ignored me at the restaurant. He never performed She Likes To Watch again.
Aside from my intentionally joining him in the kitchen when I knew he was having his coffee, there was no other interaction. It seemed that Jade’s departure was causing even more distance between us. It went on like that for a few days until the one afternoon that everything changed.
I’d just gotten home from an afternoon shift at Sandy’s when what sounded like wretched hurling coming from upstairs caught my attention. Without thinking it through, I ran up the steps to find Justin keeled over with his face inside the toilet.
“Oh my God, are you throwing up?”
“Nah. I’m giving cunnilingus to the toilet. What the fuck do you think?”
“Did you eat something bad?”
He shook his head before another volcano of puke erupted within him. Looking away, I shut my eyes until he was finished.
“Can I get you any—”
“Just go, Amelia.” He flushed the toilet.
There was something about a person being sick and helpless that made you see the child in them. Despite Justin’s trying to act tough, he seemed virtually helpless in that moment.
“Are you sure I can’t get you—”
“Leave!” My body shook as he screamed.
As another round of vomiting commenced, I reluctantly went back downstairs.
After several minutes, I could hear him returning to his bedroom. I stayed downstairs for about an hour. Things were unusually quiet. On a normal day, he’d be moving around in his room, so I knew he’d either fallen asleep or was lying down. Being the paranoid person that I was, I started to imagine that maybe he’d passed out from dehydration. He hadn’t come down to get a drink of water. Given all that he’d thrown up, that was dangerous.
I sucked it up and marched up the stairs. Lightly knocking on his door, I didn’t bother to wait for him to respond before entering. “Justin?”
He was lying on his side, his head against the pillow, and his eyes were open. He just stared at me blankly, but his eyes seemed glassy.
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
Without seeking permission, I approached and placed my hand on his forehead. It felt hot to the touch. “You’re burning up. We need to take your temperature.”
I ran to the bathroom and fished through the medicine cabinet for a thermometer before returning to Justin.
“Put this in your mouth.”
He chuckled. “That’s normally my line.”
Rolling my eyes, I demanded, “Just do it.” I was slightly relieved that he was actually joking around with me.
Amazingly, he didn’t fight me on taking his temperature. The thermometer beeped, and it showed that he had a significant fever.
“It’s one-hundred and two point five. Were you supposed to play tonight?”
“Mmm hmm,” he moaned.
“I’m calling Salvatore, telling him you can’t make it.”
“Don’t. I might see how I feel in an hour.”
“There is no way you are going to be able to perform like this.”
“I’ll call him in an hour,” he insisted.
Justin’s phone buzzed, and he reached over to check it before placing it back on the nightstand.
“Was that Jade?”
“Yeah.”
“Does she know you’re sick?”
“Yes.”
“Does she have rehearsals tonight?”
“No.”
“Is she coming?”
“No. Why would she come all the way here because I have a fever?”
I didn’t have an answer. I just knew that if my boyfriend were this sick, I would want to be with him. Maybe he’d downplayed it.
“What can I get you?”
“Nothing. Privacy. That’s what you can get me.”
“I’m getting you something to drink. I don’t care what you say. You’ll get dehydrated.”
“Make it a stiff one if you’re gonna continue playing nurse,” he yelled after me.
I went downstairs and returned with a bottle of water and a small towel.
Handing him the bottle and two Tylenol, I said, “Here. Drink up.” Justin swallowed the pills and took a sip before eyeing the wash cloth.
“What the hell are you going to do with that thing?”
“It’s a wet cloth.” I pl
aced it on his forehead. “It will bring down the fever.”
He moved my hand off of him. “I can take care of myself, Amelia.”
Ignoring his comment, I simply said, “I’ll call Salvatore. Get some sleep.”
After another bout of vomiting, Justin turned in for the night. Even though I’d left some extra waters with him, I worried that maybe he wasn’t drinking anything. So, I decided to check in on him one more time before I went to sleep.
He was awake and sitting up on the bed and looked really pale.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.”
“We should take your temperature again.”
This time when I pulled the thermometer out of his mouth, my heart nearly stopped. “Oh my God. It says one-hundred four point five. Justin, that’s dangerous. We need to get you to the emergency room.”
“I’m not going to the hospital.”
“This is not up for debate.”
Grabbing my phone, I immediately started searching the Internet for information on adult fevers. “It says here that a fever over one-hundred and five can be deadly. You could get brain damage.”
“That’s a little extreme. Don’t you think?”
“I don’t care if it’s extreme. You need to get seen.”
“I’m not going.”
“Then I’ll stay here all night until you agree to go.”
“Emergency rooms skeeve me out.”
“Would you rather be dead?”
“Hmm. It’s a toss-up between that and being stuck in this room with you yelling in my ear.”
“That’s real nice.”
“Why are you involving yourself in this, Amelia?”
“I don’t care how you feel about me, alright? I care about you. I always have, and I always will, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
After a long pause, he closed his eyes, and let out a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll fucking go.”
“Thank you.”
Justin was shivering during the dark ride to Newport Hospital. Before we left the house, I’d texted Jade and promised to keep her updated throughout the night.
When we arrived, we lucked out that the emergency room was pretty quiet. They took Justin right into one of the small curtained-off treatment areas in the back. No one—including Justin—protested my going back there with him.